The Jacquie Hirsch for A.L.L. Foundation


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Cause' when push        
        comes to shove
You taste what        
        you're made of.
You might bend,        
        till you break
Cause its all        
        you can take.
On your knees        
        you look up,
Decide you've        
        had enough.
You get mad,        
        you get strong,
Wipe your hands        
        shake it off,
April 2010

April 27th, 2010 - Day 598 for us.  How many other families have "days"?  How many more families will have to have them until we find a cure?  This past weekend was a roller coster ride of emotions.  Our friends, Peter and Cindy, held a memorial service for their 27 year old daughter, Jenna.  It was held at the Niagara Falls Air Force Base, Jenna was a Captain in the Air Force.  The service was beautiful, a wonderful tribute to an incredible young woman.  I was so inspired by the courage and strength her parents displayed.  Throughout the service, my mind kept wandering back to Jacquie's service.  The people, the music, the sounds and the words.  All different, but the same.  And each memory left me questioning once again- "why"?  Why are we here again, to celebrate the life of one so young, with so much life still to live?  I  know I will ask myself that question until the day I die.
That same afternoon, we had a "Fun Meet" at the gym.  We had one other club there with us, and it was just for the younger teams.  Part of me was so sad that Jacquie wasn't there, but part of me knew she was with us.  Many of the little ones were children Jacquie had taught, and I know she was proud of them.  I kept trying to have Jacquie let me know she was there with us, but I guess that was just one more time that I had to "BELIEVE" without seeing.  Jacquie, you are so much a part of everything we do and you are missed so much.  We really need to know you are with us.  I am so grateful when someone shares a dream they have had with you in it.  When we hear about the dreams, we know it is your way of telling us you are ok, but why can't you come to us?
Last week, I was having a rough day, and my brother, Mark, sent this to me, something a friend had posted on facebook:
              I wish Heaven had a phone so I could hear your voice again.
              I thought of you today, but that is nothing new.
              I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too.
              I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
              All I have are memories and a picture in a frame.
              Your memory is a keepsake from which I'll never part.
              God has you in his arms, I have you in my heart.
My Jacquie, you live in my heart always.  I know this to be true because my heart beats for you.  I ask you to help watch over our friends who are still fighting, they need your help.  You are My Angel, but I must share you with the others who need and Angel too.  Remember to try to come to see me, talk to me or touch me.  I wait for signs that you are with me, and I wait until the time we are together again. Be happy, My Jacquie and never forget that I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Sleep well My Angel,  Love, mom

April 23rd, 2010 - Dear Big Brother TJ,  Happy 28th birthday!  I hope you know how much I wish I was with you now, going out and celebrating, not only your birthday but the blessing of being your sister.  I, just like mom, wish for many things that will never be.  I wish most of all, that I knew if I ever let you know how much I really love you.  I wish I knew if I told you enough times that I know I am the luckiest sister in the whole world to have you as my big brother, my "Sential". I wish I knew if you understand how much every second of my life that I spent with you were were the happiest times in my memories.  Even when we were fighting,  I never doubted that you loved me and I loved you too.  I wish I could tell you again that you gave me the courage to fight when I didn't know if I could anymore.  You gave me hope when I would start to feel hopeless.  And you gave me your love that told me you understood when I needed to go. I wish I knew if you realized that you made it easier for me to leave when it was time, because I knew you would be there for mom and dad.  I knew they would need you and you would help them the way you helped me.  I wish I could tell you how awesome you are and how wonderful the web site is.  I brag about you all the time, and I tell everyone how very proud I am of you.  I wish you could hear the words I say.  When I am watching you,  I see a person who is smart, funny, hard working, and caring, someone a little sister could look up to and leaarn from.   I see someone who has dreams and is making his dreams come true.  And I see my big brother working so hard to make my dreams come true too.  How could I be any more proud of you?  I don't think I can be.  You will always be my big brother, and I will always be your little sister.  Never stop reaching for your dreams, TJ.  You will make your business a success, and I will keep bragging about you.  I wish you happiness and success, and most of all, I wish you love.
My big brother,TJ,-  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I will never forget the love you give me and the wondrful life we shared.  Love, your little sister, Jacqueline Elisabeth.

April 18th, 2010 - I have spent a lot of time talking with Jacquie lately.  I have found that I need to talk with her, so I can pretend she is here listening to me.  I am finding it harder and harder to "BELIEVE".  The days go by and there seems to be no end to the saddness and emptiness.  I find myself recalling times we were together, things that were said, and songs that were sung.  I think of going shopping for summer clothes and wondering what to wear to the next country concert.  I remember Jacquie talking about bathing suits and flip flops.  I can't begin to know how many times I told her to be careful "on those things" because I worried they weren't good for her feet and her back.  I remember looking at her toes after she had polished them and wondering "where did she find that color?".  My memories of her being so excited when the gang would be making plans to go somewhere special, and thinking to myself- "By the time they decide where to go, what time, who will drive, and what to wear- the night will be over".  I have so many memories, so many "remembers" and so many spaces that were still left to fill in her life. For the last 589 days, I have wondered why she couldn't be here to make more memories, and I know I always will.  Until I am with her again, I will not be able to accept that "It was meant to be".  I guess that is why I have trouble "Believing", because I have no answers.  I still believe in what we are trying to do for Jacquie's Foundation.  But each time I hear another cancer or leukemia story, my "Believe" realizes that for one more family, we weren't quick enough to find the cure.  In the book our friend, Jim, gave to us it says "Believe in fresh starts and new beginnings".  A cure would give those fighting for their lives, a fresh start and a new beginning.  Why can't we find one, and why couldn't Jacquie have had one?
My Jacquie, yesterday was Aunt Sheryl's and my birthday.  I missed you so bad.   I went to her house in the evening.  All of us girls were there except you.  It was nice to be there, but I couldn't wait to get home.  Here is where I needed to be with you.  I hate that you are missing from all we do as a family now.  It's not the same without you- your smile, your laugh, your love.  I miss you, my Jacquie and am waiting for you to come see me again.  I love you, my Jacquie and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom

April 13th, 2010 - Today I spent part of my morning with a family who had just recently been told their loved one has leukemia.  A young man, married, and in otherwise good health was told he would need to have a bone marrow trnsplant.  Once again, a family left to deal with a nightmare from out of no where.  As I talked with them, it was as though I was back in the fall of 2007.  I listened to them, their questions, concerns and fears and it sounded like us.  I felt so sorry for them.  I felt the unfairness of it all, and I heard the unspoken question in their voices- "why Larry?".  His sister is a match and has begun her shots so that she will be able to donate this weekend.  The plan is to have him healthy enough to recieve the transplant at the end of the month.  I will let you know when he does, because just like Jacquie, he will need blood and platlets.  Aand also just like Jacquie, it will mean so much for him to see the "direct donation" tag on the units of blood he is recieving.  If you can. please continue to donate to Clayton Rutan, our friend also at Roswell.  He is waiting to be ready to undergo his third transpant.  So many lives trying to deal with the horror of a disease that should not be.  My heart aches and I want to scream every time I hear of another diagnosis.
I have been spending more time talking with Jacquie.  I am trying to optimistic.  Spring is coming and the sun will hopefully be out more.  It seems, however, that every time I talk with her, I ask, no beg, her to talk to me.  To give me a sign that she misses us.  To come see me in my dreams.  To not leave me.  To help us with her foundation.  To let us know she is proud of what we are trying to do.  Sometimes I think she gives me small signs, or maybe I just want to believe they are signs from her.  I want so badly to see her agin that maybe I make up in my head that she is trying to talk to me.  I hope she is. 
My Jacquie, I know you are bringing us the spring and the sunshine to help make the days less dark.  The sunshine cannot brighten my heart.  We all miss you so much.  I know we tell you this all the time, but we are lonely without you.  Your chair is empty but we are still 4. We always will be.  I love you my daughter, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  Love, mom

April 9th, 2010 - If anyone would like to help with the Tinker Ball, please e-mail, call or come to the next meeting on Wed., April 14 at 6pm at the gym school.  Thank you so much! 

April 8th, 2010 - Another cold and rainy day today.  The weather matches my mood.  As the weekend, and another Saturday approach, I am hoping that the upcoming week is not another one that will bring bad news.  I feel as though every phone call, or e-mail these days brings saddness.  It seems that we will forever be hearing of another death, another diagnosis, another relapse out of remission, and more lives left to deal with it all.  When I hear of another cancer of leukemia diagnosis, I feel a frantic need to raise more money so we can find a cure.  So that no families have to hear the words we heard, or make the decision we had to make.  So that no more families have to watch the pain and suffering.  So that no more families have to hope and wish and pray for the miracle that might not happen.  And with each sad news comes the same question- WHY?  We need to find the cure so we no longer have to ask that question.  I know that accidents happen, but I still ask why. 
579 days.  So many days without My Jacquie.  We are trying to do as much as we can for you, Jacquie, so that you will never doubt that you are desparately missed and forever loved.  We are trying to get things ready for your Tinker Ball, and we have people helping us.  Your family and many of your friends are working to make the 2nd Annual even better than the Inaugural Tinker Ball.  But we are hoping more will help us.  We really need people to help get donations for the basket raffles and for the silent auction.  Last year was great but we HAVE to do better this year.  Jacquie, there are too many people who are fighting to live, just as you did.  And as we know, sometimes the body just can't fight anymore.  You never gave up, your body just was too tired of fighting.  We have to find a cure.  Please help us.
Our friend, Kris, just found out her brother has leukemia.  He needs a transplant and Kris is his match.  Please keep him in your prayers.  Please keep all our friends in your prayers, and their families too.  We could never have made it this far without all of you, but not everyone is blessed with the family and friends we have.  So we will share ours with them, because we know how strong our supporters are.
Jacquie, your dad and TJ have been working hard to finalize your garden.  They have had people over from nursuries to give them ideas on how to make it the most beautiful garden for you.  And it will be, just wait and see.  And just like your wall at the gym, people will come here to see the many ways you have been remembered by all your family and friends.  Your garden will be a place of beauty and peace, a place to go to re-live the memories of our times with you.  It will be where you can come to see us, maybe to talk with us, or just touch us with the breeze.  The smells of the flowers will remind us of you and how much you enjoyed recieving flowers.  It will be "Jacquie's Garden".  And it will be everyone's gift to you. 
My Darling Daughter,  I still miss you so very much, I just want to be with you again.  I love you, with all my heart and soul, forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  PLEASE come to see me.  Love, mom 

April 4th, 2010 - Today is Easter Sunday.  We hope that all our cherished family and friends, no matter what religion you are, had a good day filled with sunshine, happiness and love.  We had time today to be with our families, and that is always a good thing.  But, no matter what the occasion or where we are, the emptiness is there too.  Always missing is Jacquie.  Her smile, her laughter, her joy in living life is gone from the new memories that are made.  At brunch, I kept remembering the last time we all had Easter brunch together, and I made TJ and Jacquie pose for a picture with the Easter Bunny.  I look at that picture so often, and seeing it today made me wonder how could our lives have gone so terribly wrong in the past three years since the picture was taken.  How  could we have been so wrong in thinking that there would be another Easter brunch "next year".  I know that there are many families who are having to spend Easter without someone they love.  To all of them, I can only hope you are able to find some pieces of time today, however small, when the pain is not so great, and the breaths you take don't make you feel as though your heart will shatter.
To My Daughter, My Jacquie- my love for you is endless, it knows no time limits and no boundries.  It is everywhere I go and everything I do.  You are, and always will be, my daughter. I still have two beautiful children.  I will keep trying to what you would want me to do, and to make you proud.  I missed you so much today, I would have given my life so you could have had more Easters here, where you belong.  I love you, My Jacquie, and I will forever and ever and always, and much longer than that.  Happy Easter honey, Love mom

April 1st, 2010 - Peter and Cindy's daughter, Jenna, passed away this evening about 6pm.  How hard was to read those words Cindy wrote in her e-mail.  How hard it is to write now.   The tears, the questions, the anger, the sorrow and grief.  Will it never end?  I am so lost as to what to say to them.  I can't find the words.  I don't know how to help.  How can this happen?  Why?  WHY?
What do we do for them?  How can I find a way to help them when there is no way?  Please say a prayer for them and send them some confort and strength.
My Jacquie, please be there for Jenna.  Please try to help Peter, Cindy and Scott.  Please try to find a way to let me know what to do.  I miss you so much, and I feel as though I am living your last few hours with us, alll over again.  I can't understand why parents have to say goodbye to their children.  I can't understand why you are not here, and now, why Jenna is not here.  I am so sorry to be so sad, my Jacquie, but I can't keep dealing with all the grief that keeps coming.  It is never ending.  I just want to hold you and have everythinbg be the was it was, the way it should be.  I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  With my love- heart and soul, your mom