The Jacquie Hirsch for A.L.L. Foundation


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Cause' when push        
        comes to shove
You taste what        
        you're made of.
You might bend,        
        till you break
Cause its all        
        you can take.
On your knees        
        you look up,
Decide you've        
        had enough.
You get mad,        
        you get strong,
Wipe your hands        
        shake it off,

April 2011

April 27th, 2011 -   Dear Sweetheart, Day 963.  More days gone by, more days without you, more tears.  This weekend is your race- the Inaugural 5K Tink Trot in Atlanta, GA.  We are going down to be ther for you, and I know you will "be there" with us.  But once again, you won't really "be there", will you.  People are telling me to go there and  "have a good time, relasx, enjoy yourself".  I guess they mean well, but do they really think that any event we go to that is "in memory of Jacquie, and is held without you is really fun?  Maybe they do, but itdoesn't work for me.  The emptiness of standing at event for you, without you by our side is so very painful.  And although people mean well, they can't seem to understand how hard it is to keep your foundation going without you here.  Each event is a blessing and a curse.  I hope the race is a huge success.  Mike and his team of race planners have spent countless hours to so this for you, they have worked so hard.  So we will be there for them and for you, and when you look down and see all of us, you will be reminded of what I always tell you- we will NEVER let you be forgotten.
My Jacquie, I miss you.  I miss you.  I miss you.  I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  The rain today made the day harder to get through, I looked for a rainbow but didn't see one.  Maybe you can find a way to let me know you haven't left me, find a way to help me through this weekend.  Find a way to give me a little of the courage you have.  Find a way to help me keep BELIEVING.  Foever with love, your mom

April 23rd, 2011 -   Dear TJ,  Happy Birthday, My Big Brother!  You are 29 years old today.  For 26 of those years, I have been blessed to be your Little Sister.  For 26 years, you have been the light of my life.  I knew when I was born, that you were a gift from heaven to me, one that was so very, very special .  I wondered how I was the one chosen to be your sister, and I knew that I would always be grateful that we belonged to each other.  I know from every part of my heart, that there never was, and never will be a better big brother for any sister.  You  are all that a big brother should be, and way more than that.  You gave me so much- your time, your knowledge, your energy, your humor, your love.  You taught me how to be a little girl and how to grow to be a woman that would be respected and taken seriously.  You showed me how to experience life- how to be joyful of the good, and deal with the bad.  You shared your life and your friends with me, so that I would never feel left out or that I was a burden to you.  You took me under your wing when new situations worried me, and showed me how to find my way through them.  You showed me how to watch a movie and appreciate the funny parts, and how to go out with family and  friends and make wonderful memories.  You gave me strength and courage when I got sick, you never left me alone.  You BELIEVED in me and you helped me to BELIEVE in myself.  You were my Sentinal before I ever knew I would need one.  You are so amazing, and there will never be a way to tell you how proud I am of you.  You are My Big Brother, always were, and always will be.  I love you TJ, and I wish I were there with you to celebrate your birthday.  But you do know, that I am with you always- missing you and loving you.  Stay your course TJ, keep chasing your dream.  Reach for the stars and BELIEVE in yourself as I BELIEVE in you.  I will love you, forever and ever and always, with all my heart and soul.  You are the best part of me and who I am.  Love,  your sister, Jax

April 21st, 2011 -   Dear Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I am so sorry.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  I am so very sorry.  Love, your mom

April 18th, 2011 -   My Dear Sweet Jacquie,  Yesterday we all went to Angela and Jeff's to have Angela and TJ share their Mt. Kilimanjaro trip with us.  We watched a video that Angela put together, it was just amazing.  Then, we saw all their pictures from Day One until they came home.  Jacquie, what an incredible time you showed them.  It is hard to describe to those who haven't seen them, how wonderful the pictures are.  And, even more incredible is that you shared those times and memories with them.  You showed them the part of the world that very few will ever see in their lifetime.  You made memories with them that even they cannot fully describe to us.  Just seeing the pictures and hearing Angela and TJ talk about what they saw was an experience for all of us.  Hoe could they not be a little changed by what they saw and lived.  Much of the journey they struggled and at times wondered if they would make it to the top.  But really, I don't think they truly doubted that they would reach the top because you were there with them, evey step of the way.  You were there to guide the, encourage them, and hold them up when they were falling.  You were their Angel, showing them the way to the top of the world, your Heaven.  And the pictures of them at the summit were enough to make me cry.  Knowing how close they were to you made me envy them and admire them.  I wish I had their courage.  You taught them that.  You taught them to BELIEVE in themselves and what they were capable of doing.  You showed them your courage, and they showed you theirs.  You continue to show us all what it means to BELIEVE and what it means to fight with all the courage in your heart.  You give me courage every morning to get up and face my day.  And every night, you give me the courage to know that I can get through the next day.  Nothing has really changed in these past 954 days.  Only the date has changed.  I am sure that you know how I feel, and you keep trying to get me to understand that giving up is not an option.  I know you want that for me.  I also know that you understand how hard it is for me to live without you.  So, if courage is what you give me, I will keep trying.  As for Angela and TJ, there is no doubt that what they have done for you, will change them forever.  No matter what lies ahead for them, they will never forget the gift they gave to you, or the gift you gave to them.
My Sweet Angel Jacquie, please please please find a way to talk to me.  I know you can try.  I am waiting for a sign from you that you are happy and you miss us.  I am waiting to hear your voice and feel your touch.  I am waiting to be with you again.  I will love you forever and ever and always. and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  In the darkest of days you are still the light that shines for me, and on the rainy days, you are the rainbow in the sky that tells me there are sunnier days ahead.  You are My Daughtrer, My Jacquie- now and forever.  And the 4 Hirschs will go on as we are meant to be.  I love you.   Love, mom

April 14th, 2011 -   Dear Jacquie,  This morning I was invited to go to see Madison's school musical, the 4th grade was performing it.   I was happy to be asked and was looking forward to going, knowing I would see not only Madison, but some of the other children who come to the gym.  Anyway, I got there, and yes, saw many happy familiar faces, many yelling "Hi Miss Sharon!", to the dismay of their teachers who were trying to settle them down.  Anyway, the play started, it was about the history of baseball.  It was very cute ane well.  The children all did a great job.  So why did I leave crying?  As I sat there and watched the play, I also watched the teachers with their students.  My heart broke.  All I could think of was "Jacquie should be here with her class.".  Jacquie should be here sharing her time and her love with these wonderful little people.  Jacquie should be here, teaching her little ones the proper behavior at an assembly.  Jacquie should be here, asking the little girl who said she has to go to the bathroom for the second time since the play started "Can you wait until the play is over?"  Jacquie should be here.  As the play continued,  I thought of all you had to teach them, all the special times you had to share with them, and all the love you had to give them.  I came home and looked for a poem I had seen about teaching and I want to write it for you.  It is by Mary Swiatkowski and is called "To Teach Is To Hope".
     To teach is to hope...
     that one day a child will know
     the meaning of confidence
     and be able to touch other lives
     To teach is to pray
     that these newly brave souls will
         use their talents
     to better the world
     instead of just themselves.
     To teach is to feel...
     that not all the hurts
     of those in our care
         can be healed,
     but they can be soothed.
My Sweetheart, Jacqueline Elisabeth, today, as always, I miss you.  I think of what has been lost and what should have been.  I ask "why",  I wish, and I cry.  And forever, I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. with all my heart and soul.  You have given us the sunshine today, so that maybe the warmth of the sun will dry our tears.  But no amount of sunshine will ever heal our hearts.  I love you, My Jacquie, love- your mom

April 10th, 2011 -   Day 946.  How can it be?  How much longer will it be?  Time goes on, things change but stay the same.  Our lives move forward by time, but not through life.  I think that will always be.  I miss Jacquie.  I know I tell her that all the time so she never forgets.  But I can't help but need to hear her tell me that she knows, that she understands the how much she is missed,  I wonder will she ever find a way to tell me.  "A daughter needs a mom to remind her that a mother's love never dies, it just grows stronger."  I wonder if Jacquie would have said the same words to her daughters. 
Dear Sweet Daughter, 3 years ago we were 1 day away from your 50 days post transplant.  We were getting ready to celebrate being halfway to coming home from New York City.  Do you remember?  Do you remember the plans, the laughter, the smiles, the dancing?  Do you remember?  I do.  I remember everything, and I relive it all in my mind, day after day after day.  I wonder what we could have or should have done differently.  What mistakes did we make that we couldn't save you?  I am so sorry, My Jacquie, so very sorry.  I wish I could hold you and tell you how sorry I am.  I wish I could trade places with you.  I wish.
I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul. Today you gave us sunshine outside, but since the day you were born, you have given me sunshine- in my heart.  I love you- love, mom

April 7th, 2011 -   Dear Jacquie, Thank you!  This morning I woke up to fog and a dreary day.  But it has been a couple hours and the fog has burned off and the sun it out.  And better yet- your flowers are coming through the ground!!!!  Your tulips and crocuses (I'm sure that isn't spelled right- sorry Jacquie), are starting to come up.  Now, I just have to try to keep the squirrels and bunnies from eating them.  I can't wait to see what colors they are, I don't remember from last year which colors were planted where.  I know how much you love flowers and I hope we will be able to make your garden something you are proud of.  Thank you for the sunshine today.  I really need it.  The days are getting harder and I don't want to go to the gym at all anymore.  I wish I could just stop working there.  Your dad keeps saying it will get better, but it hasn't and I'm getting so very tired and depressed being there with things as they are.  I know it would not be this way if you were here with us.  You are so  missed in a million different ways.  Why did you have to be taken from us?
My Jacquie, you gave me the sunshine today, knowing what is ahead for me.  I will try to let the sun warm my heart and keep me moving in the right direction.  As always, I be you to stay by my side and not leave me.  I beg you to never forget how much I love you and miss you.  I am trying so hard and failing at being who you would want me to be, but I will not quit.  You didn't.  You taught me to never give in, so for you,  I will keep trying.  I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  You are each beat of my heart and every breath I take.  I miss you.  Love, your mom forever

April 4th, 2011 -   Dear Sweetheart,  I found this poem yesterday.  It was written by Barbara J. Hall.  I read it over and over, and I regret that I didn't ever have a chance to read it to you.  So I thought I would write it on your web site to share with other moms, and I will read it to you as I write.  I hope you like it and you realize that every single word comes from my heart, even though I am not the one who wrote it.  It is called "No Matter Where You Go Daughter, I Will Always Be With You".
     A child will grow
     And go onto the world
     As a wonderful person-
     Eager to begin the journey
     Equipped with knowledge
     Endowed with a ready spirit
     Educated, bright, and beautiful...
     Just as you are
     But a parent stays the same-
     Always loving you
     Always proud of you
     Always hoping you know that
     A parent is never too far away to listen
     Or to care about each moment of your life
     Wherever you go
     You have my greatest blessing
     Be all that you can be
     Remembering all the while
    I'm always here for you
And I am and always will be here for you.  You are far away from me, but close.  Close enough that I can still feel your skin, hear your laugh, and even smell your perfume.  Someday, you will be close enough for me to touch again.
Jacqueline, I miss you.  Please continue to watch over us and help us get through our days.  We all need some help right now, and we know that you are beside us.  We  are working hard and continuing to look for ways to bring more people to your foundation, we must keep fighting for you.  I am waiting for the weather to warm up so that your flowers will start to bloom.  We will make sure your garden is beautiful- filled with color and love.  You will be able to see how pretty is it from heaven, I promise.  Jacquie,  I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  On the darkest day, you are the sunshine that lights my way.  Love, your mom

April 1st, 2011 -   My Sweet Jacquie, the start of a new month, maybe the start of better weather.  Hopefully we are done with the snow and will be seeing more sunshine.  We need more sunshine.  The winter has been long and gray and depressing.  It seems like years since the sun has been warm on our faces.  Maybe soon.  Today is sad "anniversary" day for Cindy and Peter.  Please  send them a little extra prayer today and let them know you are thinking of them.  I truly hope you and Jenna are friends and are helping each other in heaven.  I wish I was with you, helping you and taking care of you.  I worry about you, I can't help but wish I knew how you are.  Everyone says you are happy.  Everyone says you are pain-free.  I pray that they are right, because I wouldn't know what to do if you were unhappy of still sick or in pain.  I WILL keep trying to find a way for you to let me know.  If only you could talk to me.  I wish.
Things here remain busy and I keep hoping we will be able to slow it down a little in the near future.  Dad is away again this weekend and will be next weekend too.  I hope you are watching the boys compete and giving them an extra boost of self-confidence so they will hit their routines.  The season is long and lonely without you, I am forever thinking how much I would love you to be at the gym with us.  I am forever thinking "why".  I am waiting for an answer.  You know, My Jacquie, life really is not so good without you.  No matter what "they" say, the heart never heals, it only continues to beat. 
My Jacquie, I miss you so much.  I know I say it always but I can Never let you forget it.  I love you more each day.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  The day you were born, you made our family complete. The day you were taken from us, our hearts shattered but our family did not.  We are still four and always will be.  There is always be four Hirschs and NOBODY better ever forget that.  I love you, love- mom