The Jacquie Hirsch for A.L.L. Foundation


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Cause' when push        
        comes to shove
You taste what        
        you're made of.
You might bend,        
        till you break
Cause its all        
        you can take.
On your knees        
        you look up,
Decide you've        
        had enough.
You get mad,        
        you get strong,
Wipe your hands        
        shake it off,
August 2011

August 31, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, this morning I was sad when I woke up, as always, as "normal".  Whe the mail came, the school district newsletter was in with the bills and I was going to throw it out.  I don't ever read it, we don't have any children in school and I guess I just don't take the time to see what is going on in the schools anymore.  But as I held it over the garbage can, something made me stop before I tossed it.  I actually sat down to look through it.  The first part was boring- budgets and money issues.  Then came the part that showed what activities the children in different grades had done that was newsworthy.  I was ready to toss it again, but then I looked on the last pages and something caught my eye.  It was a picture of very young students singing a song at a concert of some sort, and it has some of the words printed below the picture.  The caption said the song was was called "For Good", from the musical "wicked".  I read the words and I cried.  And I realized that YOU were the reason I didn't throw it out.  You are the one who brought the words to me.  YOU are who the song is describing.  These are the words it had printed:
                              "I've heard it said
                              That people come into our lives for a reason
                              Bringing something we must learn
                              And we are led
                              To those who help us most to grow
                              If we let them
                              And we help them in return
                              Well, I don't know if I BELIEVE that's true
                              But I know I'm who I am today
                              Because I knew you..."
It is so true.  And not just for me, but so many, many other people who had the joy and honor to know you.  You make others want to be better people, to be more than they thought they could be, achieve more than they dreamed possible and to BELIEVE in who they are.  I am a better person because of all you taught me, all I learned from you and yes, even all I watched you go through while you were sick.  That short time, 11 1/2 months, taught me more about life than the whole time I have been on this earth.  YOU, Jacquie.  A daughter teaching a mother, when it is usually the other way around.  You continue to teach me every minute of every day, because I miss you every minute of every day.  And you teach me how to more on from one minute to the next, without giving up or giving in to my fears, my sorrow and my guilt.  So, once again I find myself thanking you for choosing me to be your mom. 
My Darling, l miss you and I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I will love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I will love you with every breath I take and every beat of my heart.  I will wait to be with you and hold you in my arms again.  I love you, mom

August 28, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I missed you today.  I always miss you.  Today we went to TJ's new house to clean, paint, line drawers and cupboards and to try to get his house ready for him to move in.  I missed you.  You should have been there with us.  You would have wanted to be there, to help TJ and share his new home with him.  You would have made him laugh, and given him advice on what colors to paint which rooms.  You would have told him where you thought his furniture should go, when he gets some, and I am sure you would have gone with him to pick out his frig and oven, because those are two important items needed to make snacks and meals with!  You would have spilled paint on your clothes and ruined at least one item of clothing- and you and TJ would have laughed about it.  We would have alll stopped for a quick pizza break and you and TJ would have decided that you were too full from eating and needed a nap.  We would have have a wonderful day together.  But you were missing.  So the laughter was less, the smiles dimmer and the day was not as it should have bee.  I miss you, Jacquie.
Three years ago today, we were struggling with your graft vs host issues, and praying, no BEGGING, for you to be able to come off the ventilator.  Today, we are struggling without you. And still, after all theses day (1088), we ask why.  And still, we have no answer.  But I can't stop asking because the pain, and sorrow and anger are always with me.  And you are not here.
My Sweet Jacqueline Elisabeth,  I miss you and I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I will love you with all my heart and soul, and all that I am.  I am your mom and you are my daughter.  No one, and nothing will ver change that.  Come to me, stay with me and keep me moving forward- for you and for your dream.  I love you, mom

August 25, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, many times when I write to you, I have something to say, something I want to share with you.  That is not the case today.  Today, I don't know what to say.  I feel so sad, so very sad and lost.  I feel as though everything keeps going wrong, just when I think maybe things are getting "better".  I miss you so much and I know your "anniversary" is only 12 days away.  Three years.  It will be three years since you were taken from us.  And in all that time, the pain has not gone away.  Sometimes it isn't as strong, but it is always there, in my heart, and in my life.  You taught me many things in your life, but you never taught how I was supposed to live without you.  You never taught me how to live with the pain and the saddness.  You never taught me how to find my way in a world that you would no longer share with us.  With so many things going wrong, how do I find "right"?
My Sweet, Sweet Daughter, I miss you.  I miss you so much.  I haven't seen you or heard from you in a long time, and I need to.  I need to hear you and listen to your laugh.  I need to see you and watch you smiling.  I need to know you are still with us and you miss us too.  I am waiting.  I will wait as long as I have to, you know that.  But if you could find a way to let me know you are with me, that would really help me a lot.  I am so lonely without you.  Please come to me.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  I will love you with every beat of my heart and every breath I take.  The sun, the stars, the wind and the rainbows are all for you.  I am always here for you, I will never leave you and I with be with you again someday.  Love, mom

August 22, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, today is day1080.  And like the 1079 that have gone before, this day was filled with saddness for what should have been and missing you.  Yesterday, TJ closed on his first house.  You should have been there with him at the bank when he put that last signature on his mortgage.  He is so proud and so excited.  I know he is also very sad that you are not here to share this with him.  He has worked so hard to achieve this goal, but I know it would mean mcuh, much more to him if you were here to be part of this.  I am very happy for him, I knew this day would come, as it should.  I think TJ has stayed home longer than he would have if you were still here with us.  I think he knows how hard it will be to have the house so empty.  But, when you are a parent, you raise your children to become strong, independent adults.  You teach them to be able to "leave the nest" and be on their own.  You hope everything you have taught them will give them what they need to survive and succeed in this world.  But as a mom, it's hard to let go.  Part of me wishes you and TJ would stay with us forever.  The house will be so empty and sad now.  You always told me that you would live with us until you got married, that you didn't feel the need to waste money on an apartment just to be on your own.  We even joked that maybe you and your husband would live with us for a while, remember? You told me you would need to practice more to be a good wife and housekeeper and if you lived here longer it would give you more time to practice.  Oh Jacquie, how could you not be here anymore?  How can the house not have you or TJ living here anymore?  TJ will do just fine.  It is his time to fly.  Please watch over him for me, and keep him healthy and safe.  Maybe you could find a way to let him know you are with him, and that you are proud of him.  He misses you so much.
My Jacquie, today I was shown a website that is specially for parents who have lost a child.  It has stories on it written by parents about their child who was taken from them too soon.  There is a link parents can go to write their own story.  I can't right now.  I don't want you to be another number, another statistic.  I want people to know YOU!  Jacquie Hirsch.  I don't want people to forget who YOU are.  So, at least for now, I will not be joining this new group for "parents like us".  We are not the same, we are all different.  For us, you are special and every parent knows their own child is special.  You are our Jacquie, our daughter, our sister, our family, our friend.  For now, we will share you in our own way.  
I miss you, My Jacquie and I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that with all my heart and soul.  Today when the sun was shinning, I KNEW you made it shine for us.  I KNEW you understood.  And you know that I am waiting to be with you again.  I am waiting to hear you laugh, to see you smile, to touch your cheek and to hold you tight in my arms.  Soon, Jacquie, soon.  Love, your mom 

August 18, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I thought you might like to know that I haave finished doing the final numbers on the 2011 Tinker Ball.  Oh honey, you will be so very proud of all of us.  All your family, your friends and many strangers came together this year and raised $28,800.00!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Can you BELIEVE it?  WOW.  We are so excited.  We are so honored that YOU, Jacquie Hirsch, has managed to do this incredible thing for your foundation.  Because, I know that it was you who gave people the extra push to buy tickets and come to the BAll, to donate for our baskets and silent auction, to be a part of a wonderful and special evening.  It was YOU who helped us to make it an evening to remember for all who attended.  It was YOU who made it all happen.  We did the work but YOU were the magic behind it all.  I hope you are very happy and that you are proud of us.  WE could not have done it without your help.  Thank you, thank you thank you for not leaving us to fail.
My Sweet Girl, you are missed every minute of every day, but more so when there are special times that you should be sharing with us.  You should be here celebrating the Ball's success and taking your bows.  You should be here.  I miss you and I love you with all my heart and soul.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  You are truly the most special of daughters and for me, a gift that can never be explained.  I may never know why you were given to me, but I do know that I will never let you go.  Love, mom

August 15, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I hope you were with me yesterday at Julie's wedding.  It was a beautiful wedding, she looked like a princess.  The sun was shinning and the day was filled with love and hope and promise.  And I cried.  I cried because I was so honored to have been included in Julie and Tim's very special day.  Her whole family has been such a wonderful part of my life for so long and it meanat so much to me to have been included in the celebration.  I cried because, once again, I had to wonder why you would never have a wedding day.  As the ceremony was going on, my thoughts drifted to what your wedding would have been like.  I wondered how we would ever come up with a list to include all the people you would want to share your special day with.  What would you wear?  What month would you choose?  What colors would surround you?  Who would stand up with you?  I know your four cousins would, but who else?  How big would your bridal party have to be to include everyone?  And who would be your husband?  The questions kept running through my mind at a furious pace, and when I could no longer hold them in, the tears fell for you and what would never be.  I said a prayer for the newlyweds, praying that their lives would be filled with love, and happiness, and the strength to get through whatever life has in store for them.  I didn't stay for the reception, that is something I still am not ready to deal with.  And I don't know when I will be.  What I do know is, that your wedding would have been a fairy tale wedding.  All the things we talked about and the ideas you shared with me about what you might like your wedding to be, we would have made happen.  You had so many thoughts and ideas and they changed a lot, but one thing I know for sure, you would have looked so very beautiful and happy and filled with love and the promise of a new life with your husband.  I am so sorry you never had the chance.  I am so sorry I couldn't make that happen for you. I am so sorry.
My Jacqueline Elisabeth,  I miss you and I love you.  Youar garden is still blooming with color and looking at it reminds me how your life was filled with color.  You are always in my thoughts and my heart.  I can hear your voice in my mind and I am waiting to hear it next to me.  I love you, and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  You are the sun that shines, the rainbow in the sky.  I miss you, My Daughter.  I love you, mom

August 13, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I just need you to know how very much I missed you again today.  Today, yesterday, always.  I can't seem to do much that doesn't bring me a memory of you, you and me, you and TJ, you and your dad, or the 4 of us all together.  I am afraid that someday I will be old and senile and not have the ability to remember those memories.  I try not to think about it, but sometimes my mind drifts to the future- the future that will still come without you.  I need you to know that even if someday I can't remember our memories in my mind, my heart will never forget them.  My heart will never forget our lives together and the wonderful, incredible times we shared.  And my heart will always dream of the time when we are all together again.  So someday when I can't even remember my own name, my heart will know the 4 of us.
Sue, thank you for the poem, it is beautiful and I will try to remember it when I am feeling sad and angry. 
My Sweet Daughter,  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that with all my heart and soul.  The rain has been falling and so are my tears.  Bring us some sunshine and I will know it is you smiling down on us.  I love you, your mom

August 10, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I spent most of last night thinking and remembering our time at Hope Lodge.  I guess it was on my mind so much because we recieved the invitation to go to the dedication ceremony at Hope Lodge in NYC in September.  In the spring, we were sent a request for a donation for a large fundraising project they were having.  They were planning to sell "ground rocks" and "leaves" for a tree to be built in the main lounge called "The Tree Of Hope".  People were being asked to purchase a rock or a gold, silver or bronze leaf for a certain amount of money.  We would also be able to write an inscription to be on wahtever we purchased.  There were only 10 rocks, 25 gold, 75 silver and 100 bronze leaves available.  As much as we would have loved to get a rock for you, the $10,000 was a  little much for the foundation's bank account with all the other donations were are doing.  But we did purchase a bronze leaf for you.  In Sept, the tree with all the rocks, leaves and inscriptions will be unveiled and dedicated.  We would give just about anything to be able to be there, but we will be with you in n"your Paris".  So your dad and I talked about seeing if one or two of your friends who live down that way would be willing to go in our place.  I really want you to be represented that day, you will be so proud of your leaf.  And for the rest of forever, anyone who goes there to be helped the way you were, will see your name and inscription on the tree and they will know how special you are.  Hopefully, knowing that you have a leaf on the treee will also make them see what a truly remarkable place Hope Lodge is, and how much it meant to you, to all of us,  to have a place like that available while you were so far away from home.  I know I have said it before and I will say it again- what would we have done, My Jacquie, without Hope Lodge.  So, Sweetheart, you will be leaving your mark, once again, in New York City.  The name Jacquie Hirsch will continue to mean love, support, hope and Belief for all who are fighting for their lives and the family and friends who are fighting with them.
My Jacquie, thank you for helping with Hope, so far the news is good and we BELIEVE that it will continue to be.  Please keep a watch over Fudd.  The news for him this week was not at all good, and he needs our prayers.  He has been fighting so very long and like you, his body is getting tired.  Maybe you could give him some of your strength, instead of to me that I so selfishly ask for.  So many more people dealing with cancer need your help and I shouldn't be asking for it for me, but for all those who really need it.  I wish I could be with you, I miss you so much.  I wish I could hear you laugh at blond jokes and watch you eat sugar waffles.  I wish we could go to the fair and spend the whole time eating foods that aren't good for us.  I wish.............  I love you, Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that with all my heart and soul.  You are who I am and each breath I take is for you.  I love you, love mom

August 6, 2011 - Dearest Jacquie, I don't know how you did it, but you did it!!  All week, the weather forecasters said rain on Saturday.  But it didn't!  It was cloudy when we got to the gym at 6am to set up, and even stayed cloudy for the beginning part of the morning.  Then all of a sudden, it cleared up.  The sky was bright with sunshine and only a few white flluffy clouds.  The registration was slow to start with, and we were concerned that many of the car owners would keep their cars home because they didn't want them to be rained on.  But as the morning progressed and the sun came out, so did the cars.  And we registered more cars than last year!!!!  You were amazing, just amazing.  The whole day went so well- basket sales and 50/50 raffle sales were up from last year.  And even better- we had more spectators just come to see the cars and walk around this year. It was so great to have so many people learning about you- learning who the beautiful young woman on the banner is.  They had a chance to learn about your life, your fight to live and your hopes and dreams.  They learned that your hopes and dreams did not die with you.  They learned about all the family and friends who come together at your events to make sure that your hopes and dreams will come true.  They learned that your life in 23 years has impacted more lives that most people will in their whole lifetime.  They learned that the lives of your family and friends are made more specail for having had you in them.  They learned that Jacquie Hirsch will always be missed, loved and remembered.
My Jacquie, thank you for helping us out today.  Thank you for finding a way to make room in the sky for sunshine among the clouds.  Thank you for being with me today, holding my hand, keeping me strong and wiping my tears.  I love you, My Daughter, and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  I am waiting to be with you again. Love, mom

August 3, 2011 - Dear Sweetheart, it has been 3 days since the Tinker Ball and I think we are all still on a little bit of a high.  The Ball went so well and we are already thinking of ways to make it better for next year.  In addition to working on closing up the BAll, we are in high speed to get things ready for the Cruise Against Cancer this Saturday.  The weather report is calling for rain.  That would be a terrible thing because car owners do not bring their cars out in the rain, as you well know.  So if it rains, not only do we have to cancel the Cruise, but the expenses that we already paid for would be lost.  The worst part of it would be that we wouldn't be able to make another check presentation to Roswell for your Research project.  So, My Sweet Angel, if there is anything you can do to help us out, that would be great.  However, if it rains, oh well.  It's not as if we won't do it again next year.  I hope you  know how hard dad and TJ have been working to get some really special cars into the show this year.  TJ  especially, is very excited about some of the people he has contacted and who have said they will bring their cars to showcase in the showroom.  I think if the rain holds off, we will have a very successful day for you to be proud of.  Once again, I will say how blessed you are to have the most incredible family and friends who give up so much of their energy and time for you, with you and in memory of you.  Your life is honored and celebrated in the lives of so many people each and every day.  You are amazing, My Sweet Girl.
On a difficult note, please keep Hope safe.  She is too little to have to deal with what may be ahead for her.  Waiting for test results is hard for us,, and we know how much harder it is for her family.  If you can only help us with one miracle, please make Hope be ok, and it can rain forever.  Give Hope some more of your love, she has given you so much of hers.  Watch over her and keep her safe.  I BELIEVE in you and know you will do whatever you can for her.
My Daughter, My Jacquie, time continues to move forward, but most of my life stands still.  I live in the time "before Jacquie was diagnosed, and spend so much time re-living what was.  Being around your cousins and your friends constantly reminds me of what was taken from you.  And although I try not to let it hurt me, it does.  I spend a lot of time crying by myself so that people don't see how hard it is to watch others move on without you.  I miss you, My Jacquie and I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I love you with all my heart and soul, with each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  I will wait until we are all together again, but until then stay with me by my side.  Be my sunshine, my rainbows, and my butterflies.  Be My Jacquie always.  Love, your mom