The Jacquie Hirsch for A.L.L. Foundation


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Cause' when push        
        comes to shove
You taste what        
        you're made of.
You might bend,        
        till you break
Cause its all        
        you can take.
On your knees        
        you look up,
Decide you've        
        had enough.
You get mad,        
        you get strong,
Wipe your hands        
        shake it off,
December 2011

December 30th, 2011 -  Dearest Jacquie, I wonder if you know how often I whisper in my heart, God please let Jacquie be happy and be without pain.  Please let her be safe and comforted.  Please let her know that I would be there with her if I could to wrap my arms around her and hug her and dry her tears.  Then the question comes back to me.  If there was a God, why are you gone from us.  I still have such a hard time, not being angry at a "God" who would take you, and so many others, from those who love and cherish them.  It has been 1210 days and the questions remain unanswered.  And I know that if there were a million more days, they would remain that way.  Tomorrow is New Years Eve, and I am thinking back on your last New Years Eve.  How excited you were to be able to be with your friends.  How worried I was to have you  out of my sight for a little while.  And how sure we were that you would have many more New Years Eves to celebrate.  I am glad the "holidays " are almost over.  I am so lonely without you here to "celebrate" them with us.  I saw many stars out last night, and I wished on all of them.  I wished you peace and happiness.  I wished you to know how much we miss you and love you.  And my most importanat wish for you was that you would know that you will never be forgotten, your life here with us made us who we all are today.  Anything we accomplish in your name is in your honor, and our lives are for you now.
My Jacquie, I miss you and love you so much.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I will love you with all my heart and all my soul and with every breath I take.  Each beat of my heart beats for you.  I can see your smile and her your voice and laughter.  And on the most difficult days, I try to remember how it felt to have your arms around me, hugging me tight.  I try to feel it when you snuggled your head against my neck and blew "rasberrries".  And I try to not be so sad, because I was given the honor of being your mother.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, mom

December 27th, 2011 - My Dear Sweet Jacquie, I wrote these words many different ways on paper and kept changing them, not quite ready to put them in print.  I am sorry.  I just couldn't seem to finish what I needed to say to you.  TJ's letter to you is beautiful.  Your brother misses you so much and I wish more than anything you could be here with him, next to him as he works so hard for you.  I wish I could make things easier for him.  It breaks my heart that he feels he is "an only child now.  I know how he struggles each and every day to find a way to help your dad and I through life without you.  I wish he didn't feel like that was his "obligation".   He has never said that to us but I know he feels as though he has to try to be there for us.  I want him to have his own life, but I can't let him go, not all the way.  Part of me knows I shouldn't cling to him, but that part of me is not "normal".  If it was, I would know better. 
Christmas was hard, again, as it has been since you were taken from us.  I agree with TJ.  I would like to sleep through it all, Dec 24 through Jan 1.  Then I could pretend that the holidays never ahppened without you.  But that wouldn't be fair- not to TJ and not to your dad.  So, we had our quiet time without you.  We opened your gifts for you.  I hope you like the new TinkerBell precious moment statues and music boxes.  I also hope you like the Snowbabies TinkerBell statue.  You have so many now that we are going to have to put up some shelves to hold them all.  You also recieved many new TinkerBell and Believe ornaments, signs and decorations from your family and friends.  Jacquie, you are missed and loved dearly by so many.  Your foundation recieved many donations as well.  I know that this year will be your year for a new block at Roswell.  We are making that our goal and we will make it happen for you.
My Sweet Daughter, I hope your Christmas in heaven was all it should be for you.  I wish you could be here for hugs and kisses, I have so many to give you.  Please try to give me a sign that you are close, that you have not left us.  Let us know that we are still with you and that you know how much we love you and miss you.  Let us know that you are no longer in pain and that you are safe.  It is so hard not to know these things.  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and soul.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I will love you with each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  I will love you untill we are together again, and then I will love you even more.  Merry Christmas, My Jacquie, love- your mom forever

December 25th, 2011 -  Dear Jax, its Christmas today.  Another one without you.  I used to look forward to Chistmas, it was always so exciting, so fun and so...."together".  Now I don't know what to do.  I feel so lost, so disappointed, so mad, so upset and even so alone.  What was once a day filled with laughter and smiles is now a day that we almost wish would never come.  I think some of us would be okay with going to sleep on December 24th and waking up on December 26th.
I think back to all the holidays we spent together as kids and how much fun we used to have.  I wonder, if you were still here what kind of fun would we be having now?  What kind of jokes would we be telling, what kind of trouble would we be getting into?  I know it might seem kind of silly to some people to constantly think about all of that. But those memories are all I have left now and those hopes will never be realized. 
There isnt many things in life I truly hate, many I dislike, but rarely hate.  However, I absolutely hate that you will never get to read your cards.  I hate that your gifts and presents wont be opened.  And I hate that other families can be together on the holidays, take vacations together and laugh together.  And we cant do any of that.  I hate that I will never be an uncle, and have a niece and nephew to spoil.  I hate that you will never have your own house, or your own Christmas tree or your own family.  And I hate being an only child now.
Each and every day has been a struggle since you have been gone.  Some days worse than others, and I wonder how have we come this far?  How in the world is it that we have managed to live 3 years without you?   I know we have to keep going, keep working and keep reaching towards your dream.  I promise I will do that for you and I will try harder and harder each day to do everything I think you would want me to.  There are a lot of people down here that miss you Jax.  But I know I need to be strong, and I need to realize what is best for you.  I heard once a ship is safe in a harbor, but thats not what ships are built for. I'm sure angel's are safe down here on earth, but angel's were made to be in heaven and to watch over the rest of us.
I hope that you had a good Christmas today and I hope you are doing okay.  I miss you very much and I love you even more.  Please stay close and remind us that you are still around.  I will cherish the memories I have of the Christmas' we have spent toegther and hold them close to my heart.  Until we are together again, Love always and forever your big brother.

December 22nd, 2011 -  Dear Jacquie, Do you remember how we used to say that sometimes the days would be better if we could just stay in bed until the next morning?  Well, today was one of those days.  And now I am home, with a lot of work to do and I am thinking that maybe I should have not gotten up today.  I just want to go to sleep and think of you.  I want to dream of you and pretend that things are the way they used to be.  I want to forget that you are gone and that we are without you.  I want to pretend that tomorrow morning will be better because I will wake up and you will be telling me all your plans for the day.  I want my daughter back.
My Jacquie, I miss you so much and I wish we didn't have to have the "holiday season" without you.  I love you so very much and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  Everyday that goes by without you is one day closer to being with you again.  I love you, love- mom

December 19th, 2011 -  Dear Jacquie, We missed you yesterday.  The family Christmas party at Bree's was yesterday.  It was hard, again.  So many wonderful memories of Christmas parties at the clubhouse with you and your cousins, aunts and uncles and Bree.  So many sounds of your laughter and singing.  So many images of you, in my mind,- dancing and just being you.  Where did the time go?  Where did the future go?  When did the music stop?  Why were you taken from us?  Santa came again.  The only one who sat on his lap this year was Olivia.  Remember all the years you and TJ and your cousins took turns sitting on his lap and telling him what you wanted for Christmas?  Remember when you got older and you still did it, just because it made us happy and made us laugh?  Why did that have to stop?  I am waiting for the holidays to be over.  They will be soon.
My Angel Above,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and soul, and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I sang to you again this morning, I hope you sang with me.  I sang our two songs and then I sang "You Are My Sunshine".  I need to hear your voice again, and when I sing to you, I imagine that I can hear you.  Can you hear me?   Love forever and ever, your mom forever and ever

December 17th, 2011 -  Dear Jacquie, today was the gymnasic team Christmas party at the gym.  But you weren't there, not really.  So many children, so much excitment, so much joy and happiness for all of them.  But you were missing.  Again.  As always.  There are so very many holes in my life without you.  So many times when I look for you and you aren't there.  So many times I start to call out your name, only to remember that you won't be able to answer me.  So many memories left to make.                  My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you more today than yesterday, but not nearly as much as I will love you tomorrow.
I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I will love you with all my heart and soul.  I will love you with all that I am now, and all that I will ever be.  I will love you for the gift you are to me.  Love, your mom

December 14th, 2011 -  Dear Jacquie, today dad and I went to pick out our Christmas tree.  I didn't want to go but dad asked me to, so we went to Baddings.  Just walking in there made me think of so many memories of you and Jamie at Roswell.  It seems hard to believe that that nightmare really happened and that every day Jamie's family lives with the same grief that we and too many others live with.  Dad and I had a hard time deciding on which tree to get, and I started to cry because I was waiting for you to tell us which one you liked.  But you couldn't, could you.  So, we finally decided on one, and I hope you like it.  I am not sure when we will have the time to decorate it, but when we do, it will adorned with beautiful Tinkerbell, and Believe ornaments.  It will also have all your ornaments we have been collecting for you since before you were born.  They are the ornaments we would have given you when you someday married and had your own tree to decorate with your husband and your children.  What do I do with your ornaments now?  Who will put them on a tree and remember where each one came from, when your dad and I are no longer here?  WHY aren't you here to cherish them as I do?
My Sweet Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I know you hear me say this to you all the time, but I do love you so much.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  The daylight comes and I wait for nighttime. Our time. The rain makes the days longer and harder and makes me that much sadder without you.  I am waiting to see you in my dreams again, and to know you are happy.  I will wait as long as you need me to.  Stay by me and let me know I am not alone.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, you mom forever

December 9th, 2011 -  Dear Jacquie, Tonight we went down to Roswell.  For YOU!   Tonight we gave Dr. Wang and Dr. Nowak another $25,000.00 for YOUR research fund.  Tonight, your family and friends honored you and your life, again.  And as always, it was a very sad time, but a very proud time.  I hate going back down there.  Every time I have to walk through those doors, I relive the night we rushed you there, not knowing anything, only knowing that our lives were about to change forever.  When I go back now, I  go back hoping and wishing and praying that all we, and others like us, are doing to find a cure, will mean that someday no other family has to make that walk through those doors.  That someday, no other family has to walk out those doors without a loved one.  So tonight, Dr. Wang gave us an update on the research and how things are moving along.  And progress is being made.  Of course, the progress will never be fast enough but it will make a difference.  The events we, and others hold for you, are making sure that the money will be available when needed, and they are hoping to be able to publish their findings this spring.  When that happens, they will be able to apply for the "real grants", the larger amounts of money availible for research.  Our money is just the "seed money" that is needed to get started, we hope the grants will continue what we have begun.  You know, My Jacquie, you are amazing.  All you have done and continue to do is so extraordinary.  How could someone so amazing been taken from us?  Why?  1190 days and still I ask WHY?
My Sweet Girl, I miss you.  I miss you so much that sometimes I think my heart caannot stand the pain anymore.  Little reminders and big reminders.  All around and all the time.  You are everywhere, but you are not here.  I love you.  I will always love you.  I will love you forever ever and always, and longer than that.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul. I love you with each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  You are My daughter and I still have two beautiful and wonderful children.  I don't ever let people forget you.  I always tell anyone who asks how many children I have, that I have two wonderful gifts from heaven,  And I will never let anyone forget that I AM YOUR MOM, now and forever.  I love you, Sweetheart, love- mom

December 5th, 2011 -  Dear Jacquie, I miss you.  I wish you were here.  Today is our anniversary.  Dad and I have been married for 31 years.  Wow.  That's a long time.  I spent a lot of the day thinking back to all the wishes,  hopes, and dreams we had.  We were young and so sure that someday, the world would be ours.  We knew what we wanted and even knew how we thought we would go about getting it.  Our dreams were big, but not out of reach.  And our wishes were many, but not greedy.  But most of all, we hoped we would have a family.  We didn't care- boys, girls or a combination, whatever gifts we were give, would be ours to love forever.  And then we were give you and TJ.  And our biggest, most important dream had come true.  I couldn't have asked for a better father for my children.  I know you and TJ realize how blessed you were to have him as your dad.  He has worked so hard to provide for all of us, and to give us a wonderful life.  I think how very unfair it is that you were taken from us and are not here continue sharing that life.  I know that your dad and I loved you and TJ from the second we knew I was pregnant.  And our love only grew stronger.  I BELIEVE that you and TJ are the reason that your dad and I have been able to survive all the ups and downs in our marriage.  I BELIEVE that our love for each grew as our love for you and TJ grew.  I BELIEVE that our marriage was more than we ever thought it could be, because of our children.  You and TJ helped to make us who we are today.  Thank you for teaching us how to love.
My Jacquie, again as always, I miss you and love you.  The holidays are here and I want them gone.  It will be even harder this year, because it will be the first time that both our children will be gone from the house on Christmas morning.  I know I am sad about that, but I also know how excited TJ is about being in his new home for his first Christmas.  I am happy for him and so proud.  And where would you be now?  In your own home?  Married?  With child? With children?  I will never know.
I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  The rain makes me sad, I think the angels are crying for you.  I am crying for you and I am waiting to hold you again.  Come to me and let me know I am not alone.  I love you Jacquie.  Love, mom

December 1st, 2011 -  Dear Jacquie, I know you were with us last night.  It was sad, it was heartbreaking, and yet I know you were there to comfort us.  It is hard to believe that it has been a year since Bianca was taken from us, and harder still to believe that the proof to punish the person who took her life, is still not there.  The candlelight ceremony at the house she died in was a very special tribute to her very short life.  It was hard for dad and I because it was so like the events we have for you.  They are all a tribute to you and your life.  There were so many pictures, and like you, she was smiling in all of them except the ones where she was sleeping.  She loved to dance and loved to sing.  Those who knew her were privileged share in her joy for living.  Everyone there who knew her, had wonderful and fun memories of the vibrant little girl with the infectious smile and sparlke in her eyes.  I feel so bad for her dad and her family, because for them, they said they won't be able to start to heal until the guilty person is held accountable.  I can't imagine how that must feel.  I do know that after talking with her dad, his pain, like ours, is a constant campanion.  He says his days are filled just "getting through".  I wish I could have told him that it "gets easier", but I can't even say that.  So, for now, we told him we are here for him if he needs anything, and that we do understand the pain of having that empty chair.
My Jacquie, the next few weeks will be so much harder without you.  Yes, I know we have to "celebrate" the "holidays", but if I had a choice, I would just move into January and leave the pain of December behind.  I already bought your Christmas gifts, but don't peak, I want them to be a surprise.  I miss you and I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I will love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I will love you all the stars in they sky and all the rainbows on the horizon.  Stay with me, don't leave me.  Be my strength and my courage, my rock.  Be for me, what I can't be without you.  Love, mom