The Jacquie Hirsch for A.L.L. Foundation


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Cause' when push        
        comes to shove
You taste what        
        you're made of.
You might bend,        
        till you break
Cause its all        
        you can take.
On your knees        
        you look up,
Decide you've        
        had enough.
You get mad,        
        you get strong,
Wipe your hands        
        shake it off,
January 2011

January 31st 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I just wanted you to know that last night we had our first 2011 TinkerBall Meeting.  We had a good turnout and we were given many new ideas for this year.  I know it seems early to be planning but if we are going to make this the best Ball yet, we have a lot of work to do.  Please Jacquie,  BELIEVE that we will do the best we can for you.  We will work very hard to make you proud.  We will do this for you, so that there will never be any doubt in your mind or your heart how much we miss you and how very much we love you. We will make this the best for you. I love you, My Jacquie, and I always will.  i will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul, with every beat of my heart and with every breath I take. Please give me strength and courage, help me be the person you want me to.  Help me.  Love, mom

January 30th 2011 - My Darling Daughter Jacquie, today is day 876. How can it be?  I think of you and what we were doing 3 years ago and I still wonder why.  And I am sad and angry so much still.  Life goes on but ours goes on without you.  I wish we could  be together so  I could dance with you.  Lately I have heard so many songs on the radio that I remember singing to with you, and I can't sing them anymore. I can picture where we were and what we were doing when I hear our voices and I want so badly to be there again.  I found a CD in an old boom box in the basement and the CD was of your floor exercise music when you were competing at Williamsville North.  I haven't listened to it yet, but I know when I do, I will see you tumbling and dancing your heart out, enjoying every note and every beat.  I will see your smile and your joy as you shared your love for dancing with everyone watching you.  I will see Aunt Val and Jim judging you, knowing that they too saw how much you enjoyed dancing.  And I will feel the pride in my heart that you are My Daughter.  You are My Jacquie.  I wish I could watch you dance and hear you sing again.
I found a poem yesterday, in a magazine.  No author is listed but it must have been written by a mother who love her daughter very very much.  But never as much as I love you.
                                                      My Daughter, My Heart, My Love
You bring me such joy in so many ways, like a warm, radiant sun, that brightens my days.
Your beauty, your confidence your spirit so strong, all shine from within like a wonderful song.
Your talent, your grace the gifts that you share, with faith and with wisdom, show the way that       you care.
Your plans and your dreams for what's yet to be.. your ideas for the future, are the hopes shared with me.
So I'll love you forever because right from the start you filled me with love and put a smile on my heart.
You're my beautiful Daughter- a promise come true I was given a miracle, when I was given you
My Jacquie, nothing changes- not how much I miss you, nor how very much I love you.  I can't stop counting, I can't stop making wishes that will never come true, and I will never stop BELIEVING that we will be together again someday.  At the meet last weekend, a parent asked me if the picture on the gym wall was my daughter.  I replied as nicely as I could "No, that IS My Daughter Jacquie".  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  You are with me in every breath I take and every beat of my heart.  You and Tj and your dad are why I get up each morning and why I keep going.  Please watch over them, and help me to work harder for you.  I am so sorry, My Jacquie, so very sorry.  Love forever, your mom

January 25th 2011 - Dear Jacquie,  Good morning, My Angel.  I had trouble sleeping last night, I couldn't seem to stop thinking about where we were 3 years ago.  We were getting ready for our trip to New York City for you transplant.  We had so much to do to get ready and so many plans to make.  I was stressed and worried and you were so incredibly calming and sure.  I tried not  to be stressed in fromt of you but I am sure I failed. As I lay awake, I couldn't help but think how strong and courageous you were and how I wished I could be like you.  I was constantly in awe of your positive outlook and how you never complained, except sometimes when I had to wake you up early to go to the clinic at Roswell for your appointments. I look back at those times and wonder how could we have failed you. I am so sorry.  I will try hard today to handle things better and make you look down on my and say, "I am proud of you mom".
Please say some prayers for Bella, Sue's sister-in-law, Dales's family and for Jim V, who lost his wife recently. Jacquie, if you could help in any way, that would be great.  Maybe somehow, you could send me some courage and a little sign that you still think of us, and that you love us.  I will try not to disappoint you today. I will try to be a better person, the one you would be proud of.  I will try not to be so impatient with people who complain about stupid stuff, when they don't realize what should really matter.  I will try harder.
My Jacquie, My Sweet Little Girl, I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  I will love you with every beat of my heart and every breath I take.  And I will love you thisssssssss much for every rainbow in the sky. Love, your mom

January 24th 2011 - Dear Jacquie, Well, we did it.  Your meet, The 3rd Annual Jacquie Hirsch Memorial Challenge was this weekend, and I think it was a huge success.  I hope you were watching, I hope you were there with us.  I figure you must have been, because it went so well that you muct have been helping us get through it.  We had almost 300 gymnasts there, and I would like to Believe that each of them had a memorable experience.  I would like to Believe that each of them took a little of you into their hearts and lives, and will learn from what we told them about you.  I would like to Believe that you have encouraged them to Believe in themselves and their dreams, and to never give up reaching for the stars.  I DO BELIEVE that.
Many many people worked very hard to make it all come together.  Your family, friends, the parents at the gym and people we have never met, put a lot of time into planning the meet, and their efforts really showed.  I wish you could have been there to watch the little ones and cheer on the older ones.  I wish you could have been there to hand out awards and to congratulate the gymnasts on their accomplishments.  I wish you could have been there so everyone could see what true courage looks like.  I wish everyone there could have met you, My Jacquie, so they would understand why we are doing what we do.  So they would understand why we cannot give up on your dream.  So they would learn to appreciate what they have and not complain so mcu about the "small stuff".  I wish you could have been there next to me, and your dad and TJ so we could show the world what love is.
I wish, I wish, I wish.  But wishes don't always come true, do they.
My Jacquie, my incredible daughter, you are so missed.  Everyday I learn more from you.  Everyday I also how much we are missing without you, how incomplete our lives are.  I miss you and I think of you all the time.  I don't know how to stop the memories of what you went through, and how we didn't save you.  I hear of others who are in remission and are getting "clean bloodworkwork" and wonder why it couldn't have been you.  What did we do wrong?  Why didn't we deserve to save you when we tried everything we could?  Why someone else and not you?  I am so sorry Jacquie, so very sorry that I failed to find a way to keep you here with us, where you belong.  I am so sorry.  But it doesn't mean I don't love you with all my heart, and that I wouldn't trade my life for yours, I would in a heartbeat.  I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul, with every beat of my heart and with every breath I take.  I will hold onto you until I can hold you in my arms again.  Love, your mom forever

January 17th 2011 - Dear Jacquie, Day 863.  Another day without you, another day with only memories.  I see you in all I do, I hear your voice singing and laughing, and I feel your hugs, but it isn't real.  Sometimes when I see your face, it is filled with confusion, you look troubled and hurt.  I know I am remembering when you were sick.  And I feel so awfully sad and helpless that I wasn't able to take those feelings away from you, that I was unable to make things better.  I know that I would have given my life for yours, and that I would have given anything to hlep you understand why what  was happening to you, was happening.  But I couldn't do that because I didn't understand either.  You are so sensitive and I think sometimes you knew I wasn't telling you everything.  I would watch your eyes and I could see into your heart.  I couldn't give you answers, I could only give you support and understanding and love.  I truly Believed that your look of confusion, saddness, and uncertainty would eventually be permanently replaced with happiness and restored health.  I told you we would not let you die, but we did.  So now, when I see your face,  I sometimes see you look at me different because I didn't keep my promise.  I am so sorry, so very very sorry.  I don't know how I can make you understand that.  I don't know how a mother explains to her daughter that she let her die.  How could that happen?  I tried, My Jacquie, we all did.  Please Believe that.  You have to know that I wish and pray everyday for you to be able to come back to us and let me go in your place.  I am so sorry.  I want to see your smile more than remember the look of hurt.  I want to hear you laugh, more than hear you cry.  i want to hold you again.
My Daughter Jacqueline,  I miss you.  Your meet is this weekend, and I am very stressed about it.  But what worries me the most, is having to be at your meet again, without you being there.  Please watch over  us, let us not fail you again.  Help us to make your meet a success.  May people will be there for you.  Look down on all who love you and remember the joy and love you brought into everyone's life.  What we do in our lives now, we do for you.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul, with every beat of my heart, and with every breath I take.  I will never let you go.  Love, your mom forever

January 12th 2011 - Dear Jacquie, I miss you.  I need you to know that although you are away from me, I am still here for you.  I don't know what it is like in heaven, I can only imagine.  I do know that I BELIEVE that you are no longer in pain and, I hope, happy.  But I always wonder if you have difficult days, days when you miss us, when you wish you were still here with us.  Days when you still need me.   Never ever forget, My Jacquie, that if ever things are not going well, if you have something that you want to talk over with me, if you are feeling confused, lonely hurt or frightened, or if you just want to talk about nothing, I will always be here for you.  Always. I will find a way to hear what you have to say to me, and I will answer you back.  I will find a way to help you if you need me, no matter what I have to do.  So, if you need to visit me in my dreams, or whisper in my ear, I will hear you and I will help you.  I hope you don't think that because I failed to find a way to save you, that I can't still help you in other ways.  Please need me.
My Jacquie, I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  You are each beat of my heart and every breath I take.  Love, your mom and I hope still your BFF

January 10th 2011 - My Sweet Jacquie, I know I promised you I would try not to count anymore, but my first thought when I woke up this morning was, "how can it be that we have been without you for 856 days?".  Yes, the "holidays" are finally over, but I don't feel any less sad.  I feel as though the darkness around me is never ending, even when you make the sunshine for us.  I am not sure- does the darkness ever go away?  These days are very busy, getting ready for your 3rd Annual Jacquie Hirsch Memorial Girls Gymnastic Meet.  This year we have about 70 more gymnasts than last year, almost 300 are entered.  I wish you were here with us to see how hard everyone is working for you.  I wish you were going to be the one to pass out the awards.  Your heart is so full of love for everyone, but especially children.  You are so giving, your spirit so full of life.  You were meant to be here to share that with all of us.  Do you remember when we were in NY City, at Sloan Kettering, and we would talk about everything and nothing?  I told you that I always wondered how it happened that I was blessed to have you and TJ be born to us.  That even though we had a some ups and downs,  I wouldn't ever change the person that you were.  I hope you will always remember those words.  I wonder if I told you enough, should I have told you that more?  We talked as though you would live a long and happy life.  And I told you to keep reaching for your dreams, that you would make them come true. I told you that  I would always be there for you, to cheer you on and to love you.  I want to remind of those words, because even though you are not here, I still mean them.  My love for you remains unconditional, and I am still so proud of you for leaving so many people with a reason to "Believe".   You are still precious to me beyond words, and your life continues on here in the words and actions of everyone who works to make your dream come true.
My Jacqueline Elisabeth,  I WILL love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul, with every beat of my heart, and with every breath I take.  Help me to find some light.  Love, your mom forever

January 5th 2011 - Dear Jacquie and TJ, you probably can't imagine the love that your dad and I have for you. You need to know that it is and always will be unconditional.  There is nothing that will ever change it.  Our love is there for you even when we disagree or when you had to be disciplined.  Our love is there for you in every decision we ever made for you, even though we didn't always make the right decision, we did what we thought was right at the time.  Nothing will ever change our love for you, it will NEVER EVER go away, only get stronger.  I know that it wasn't always apparent or abvious to you that we were acting with love, but we were- ALWAYS.  Even when we made mistakes.  We  tried to do what was best and what was fair, but it didn't always work out.  When a parent loves their children as much as we love you, sometimes fears or emotions would get in the way.  But nothing ever eases the fierce desire and need that we have to keep you safe at all costs.  That we have not always been able to do that is a failure on our part. It wasn't easy to say "no" when you were begging for a "yes",  but we had to look at more than just the present when we made a choice for you.  We had to remember the past and look into the future, then decide what we thought was right.  We had to consider the temptations and consequences that would result from our decisions.  I guess we, probably all parents, feel that our job is to help you become all that you can be.  To live happy and safe.  To have a life that is fulfilling and successful.  That is all we ever wanted for you.  Jacquie, we couldn't do that for you.  Your future, your life was cut short before you had a chance to be all you could be.  But your dad and I know you were really more than we ever thought you would be in your short time with us. You are amazing.  TJ, every day you show dad and I that we have made some right decisions.  You both have made us so proud.  Hopefully, someday you will both understand that we raised you the way we thought best, in spite of the fact that you didn't always agree with us.  You are incredibly special people, and you are precious and cherished and most of all, loved. 
My TJ and My Jacquie, nothing will ever change how much I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  I love you thissssssssssssssss much. Love, mom

January 4th 2011 - My Wonderful Daughter Jacqueline Elisabeth,  Oh how much I miss you.  Life is getting harder each day.  I know that life is always hard for everyone, that is what life is.  But it seems that lately, every day gets worse.  More to do, more problems, more to deal with.  I am out of energy to keep going.  I can't imagine doing this for the rest of my life.  I never could have imagined how much it would hurt to live this way.  The reminders are too hard to deal with, and the mssing you is unbearable.  I am so unhappy at the gym, and it didn't used to be that way.  I know if you were there it would be better, but your dad and TJ and I are struggling so hard.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I can't.  Your meet is coming up and there are so many gymnasts coming and that is good, but I am so worried about it.  I am up all night worrying and making lists and wondering how in the world we are going to make this work.  I feel as though I am living just from one problem to the next and there is no end.  The one thing I want, our family back together again, I cannot have, and nothing else really matters.  I am tired of waiting and hoping and dreaming.  I don't know what to believe anymore, what is there to believe in?  I wish you could come to me and tell me what to do, how to make things better.  Everything we are trying to do doesn't seem to be working and it seems so useless to keep trying.
I love you My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  My Angel, My Jacquie- I love you, mom

January 1st 2011 - Dear Jacquie, Another "New Year".  As we enter 2011, I wonder if this will be a better year than last year.  I can only hope so.  At least, I hope it won't get any worse.
For Christmas, TJ gave me a framed poem that is so beautiful that I want to share it with you and anyone who is still reading these messages we write.  I cried when I read it, thinking, as always, of all that has been lost.  Thinking that you should have been opening gifts with us and teasing with TJ.  Everything is so wrong without you. The poem is by Larry Howland and is called
I'll Think Of You
It's lonely since you went away;
You're on my mind each passing day
I long to have you here awhile
To see your face~~your happy smile.
To have you greet me at the door,
Or maybe hold my hand once more.
But then, if I could have a choice,
I'd wish~~right now~~to hear your voice.
I think of you~~our shared delights,
Of taking walks on summer nights.
I see you in the moon's bright beams
And sense you in the rushing streams.
I know someday I'll join you there,
And then we'll laugh and hug and share.
We'll dance down heaven's avenue;
But till that day~~I'll think of you.
I know that I still disappoint a lot of people because I am still so lost without you.  I will try this year to do better, but Jacquie, it is STILL so hard.  I feel like I have to be "normal" so much of the time when I am around people, that I want to be by myself as much as I can so I can just be with you.  Then I can talk to you and sing to you and cry, without making poeple sad or uneasy.  I just want to be with you.  I just want to stay here with you.
My Sweet Little Girl, I miss you still so much, the emptiness in my heart just stays and stays, the hoe gets bigger.  So much lost.  I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  Someday, we will be together again, but until then, my heart beats for you so that you will always live on with us.  With so very much love for you, mom