The Jacquie Hirsch for A.L.L. Foundation
 
 
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Cause' when push        
        comes to shove
You taste what        
        you're made of.
You might bend,        
        till you break
Cause its all        
        you can take.
On your knees        
        you look up,
Decide you've        
        had enough.
You get mad,        
        you get strong,
Wipe your hands        
        shake it off,
THEN YOU STAND.
January 2012 - December 2012
 
December 31st, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Almost a new year.  I love you, my Jacquie.   Love, your mom forever
 

December 29th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, we just got back from Florida today.  You know I would have preferred to stay home for Christmas, and for the whole break, but dad and TJ wanted to "get away".  So, we did.  We went to your Sanabel Island.  Remember when you went there when you were in high school and spent your vacation with Ashley and her family?  You had such a great time and said how pretty it was.  I wish you had been there WITH us.  Then, it would have been perfect.  We had a nice time, not having to answer the phone and deal with issues and problems was really nice.  The weather was just right for me, but I think TJ would have liked it a little warmer.  I did miss being at home and not having Christmas in our home.  I miss you Jacquie.
My Jacquie, the year is almost over.  It has been 1575 days.  Forever.  I hope you are happy.  I hope you know how much we all love you.  You are not forgotten.  You will NEVER be forgotten.  Even when it has been a million days since you were taken from us, you will be remembered.  I love you and I will love you with all my heart and all my soul forever and ever and always.  You are each beat of my heart and every breath I take.  You get me out of bed each day, you drift off to sleep with me each night.  Stay with me, let me know you are near.  I promise, I will NEVER leave you.  We are four, and together we will be again someday.   I love you, your mom
 

December 25th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  Merry Christmas in heaven My Jacquie.  It is a little after midnight and I miss you.  I can hear your voice when you were little asking if Santa came yet.  He did Jacquie.  Your gifts are here for you.  I hope you are celebrating with all the new little Angels, comforting them as they ask for their parents.  Sing to them and play with them.  Teach them.  Love them.  And tell them that their moms and dads will love them forever and ever and  always, and longer than that.  Tell them that no matter how old they get, their parents will love them more each day.  Tell them that you know that because your mom and dad and big brother love you more and more each day.  And tell them that someday they will celebrate Christmas with their families again.  Merry Christmas, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever
 

December 24th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Christmas Eve.  We have had five Christmas Eves without you.  It still hurts.  I have spent most of my day remembering.  Remembering Christmas Eves from the past.  Remembering how much excitment and anticipation there was for you and TJ- waiting for Santa to come and bring you your wish lists.  You knew Santa wouldn't be able to bring everything you wanted so it was fun to listen to you and TJ guess what toys and game and other "necessities" he would deliver.  It was so disappointing when you both decided that you had outgrown Santa, it was if another part of your chilhood was giving way to growing up.  After that, Christmas Eves took on another meaning- giving to others.  You and TJ were now waiting to watch others open the gifts you bought  and made for them.  The focus on giving and not getting made your dad and I so proud.  It was fun helping you make things and shop for the gifts you had decided each person should have.  You both took so much time and put a lot of thought into was special gift each person should recieve.  The gift had to "fit" and sometimes I thought we might never find the ones you felt were worthy.  As you moved into the teenage years, there was an added concern on Christmas Eve- friends.  Now it became important to shop for and make plans with friends as well as with family.  This was fun, but also made for a hectic day and evening because there were so many more people to be involved in the decision making for what the plans would be.  College years brought changes again.  Steady boyfriends and girlfriends meant plans with the "significant other's" family had to be taken into consideration.  We now had to share you both with other families.  But that was ok, becasue we had some very special "significant others" spend time with us.  It was a very wonderful time.  Now, this evening holds much less meaning.  Yes, we get together with family.  Yesterday was the big party at Bree's and today we went to Nana and Grampa's house.  But it is not the same.  The laughter that is missing is yours.  The room is not as bright because you and your smile are absent.  And the love we all feel for you is present and so strong.  I turn to look for you but you aren't there, only the empty place where you are supposed to be.  your chair is present, but empty.  You are watching us, but not with us.  I am so sorry, My Jacquie.  So very sorry.  I wish you could be here instead of me.
My Sweet Jacquie, I wish you a Mery Christmas Eve.  May you feel our love and our hearts reaching out ot you.  May you know with every part of you, that we miss you and love you more than words can ever say.  And know in your heart that someday we will all be together again for Christmas Eve.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever
 

December 20th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Day 1566.  I miss you.  I love you.  I want to be with you.  Love, mom
 

December 18th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, tonight we went down to Roswell. for you.  We made another donation to your research fund- $2,500.00.  I know it is not as much as we normally do but the fund is over $250,000 right now, so we are waiting to donate more until Dr. Wang and Dr. Nowak use more of the money.  Dr. Wang spoke at the presentation, as she always does, and gave us great news.  They are hiring a research assistant to work with them, with the money we have been able to provide.  This is great because now there will be someone full time working on the research and we hope this means that results will come faster.  She also told us that the reseach is looking promising in some areas so we are really excited.  We ARE making a difference, Jacquie!  Nancy Holliman also spoke for a little bit and she told us that the people at Roswell are very impressed with us, with your foundation.  They are so surprised at how much we have been able to donate in such a short period of time.  She said that the other teams are  surprised at what we have done because we have done it all on our own.  Many other foundations have joined the Roswell Park Alliance, and they have the "power" of Roswell behind them.  When they do fundraisers and events, Roswell helps with promoting the events and provides people to help out.  Your foundation is completely independent, all the support and help come from your family and friends.  So when others look at what we have done, it is impressive.  And Jacquie, we aren't done.  We still have such a long way to go.  We are looking for more help for the foundation.  We need to have new people join us, and help more with the events.  We are growing and we need to have more help.  So, My Jacquie, if you can send some "Tink Winks" to all the people you think might be able to help us out, please do so.  We have to have more help if we are going to continue to grow and to more forward.  We could never have sxpected to be where we are today.  And now that we are, we want more for you.  Jacquie, we WILL make it happen.
My Sweet Sweet Girl, I miss you and I love you so much.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with every breath I take and each beat of my heart.  I love you the sun and the moon and the stars.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I am waiting for you to come and see me.  You know how hard this "holiday season" is, you know I wish it would never come.  So if you could visit me, if you could whisper in my ear that you love me, I know I could make it through.  Without you, it is just so hard.  I have shopped for your Christmas gifts and I wish you were here to open them.  I wish........  I love you you, My Jacquie, love- mom
 

December 14th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, a most horrible and tragic day today.  Twenty new little angles arrived in heaven with you.  Did you greet them, My Jacquie?  Did you comfort them and take them into your arms?  Did you tell them that you will help them and love them?  Did you tell them how much they will be missed?  Did you tell them how much they will forever be loved?  Did you tell them you know that because we miss you and love you so much?
How could this happen?  How could this be real?  How could thes young innocent children be taken away?  I don't understand, but it makes me angry and it makes me not "BELIEVE" again.
I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

December 12th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, tonight Aunt Sheryl, Olivia and I went to the CArly's Club Holiday Party.  It was the first time any of us had gone.  We have always known about it but never thought of going to it.  For me, I just didn't want to be around the children who had cancer.  This year, TJ and Aunt Sheryl thought that your foundation should be present there, so we went.   It was very nice, it was held at the Buffalo Convention Center.  There were lots of things for the children to do- arts and crafts, face painting, cookie decorating and of course, Santa came.  They also had a buffet dinner and some cute Christmas cookies and cakes for dessert.  It was a really nice event for the children and their families.  For me, I am glad I went so I would know what it is like, but I don't want to do it again.  I do know, however, that your foundation will continue to donate to Carly's Club so that they will be able to keep having these types of events for children with cancer.  It is wonderful to be able to give them something else to focus on besides their disease.  It is so important for them to be able to be "normal" whenever possible, or them to be like other children who have parties and events that are fun and memorable.  It is so important for them to be just like everyone else, even though they are anything but.  These children are extrodinary, they are amazing.  They are strong and courageous.  They laugh through their tears.  They suffer more than anyone should ever have to, and yet, they keep smiles on their faces.  They can teach wthout saying a word.  They humble us and they make us better people than we thought we were capable of being.  They are you, My Jacquie.
My Sweet Daughter, I miss you and I love you so very much.  I love you the sun and the moon and the stars.  I love you rainbows and raindrops.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  There is no stronger bond than you, TJ your dad, and me.  We are 4.  We always will be.  And althoug you haven't visited me in a while,  I keep trying to 'BELIEVE' that you haven't left me alone.  The words that I speak and sing to you, you must be hearing.  I need you to visit me soon, I need to know that you are near.  I still need you, My Jacquie, and I always will.  We are 4.  I love you, mom
 

December 9th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, another day of wishing you had been with us.  Today, your dad and I went over to TJ's house.  We rarely get the chance to go over and just spend time together.  Our schedules are so busy and it is unusual for the 3 of us to have the same time free.  But today we did, so TJ asked if we'd like to come over to watch the Bill's game.  That was a bust, they lost again, but the time we spent together was good.  You should have been there with us.  You would have enjoyed some of TJ's funny comments and I know you would have had plenty of your own.  I also know you would have had plenty to say about the way the Bill's were playing.  Many times during the game, my thoughts went back to memories of us watching the games and screaming at how bad they were playing.  I think my mind let me hear your voice doing the same thing today.  Again, the question- why aren't you here with us?
My Sweet Little Girl, I miss you and I love you.  That has always been and always will be.  Just like we will always be 4.  Always and forever.  I love you, My Jacquie,  love- your mom forever
 

December 5th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,I wish you were here today.  It is our 32nd wedding anniversary.  We had our meeting- your dad, TJ, and I this morning and TJ brought us a card.  It was from you and TJ.  I read it to you so you would know what he wrote, but maybe he read it to you as he was writing it.  Anyway, I wish you had been here too.  Your dad and I have been together for what seems like our whole life.  We have had good times, and some rough times, but nothing as hard and devastating as you being taken from us. Many times, I wondered if our marriage would survive.  Sometimes I didn't care one way or the other because I hurt so bad.  I  know, though, in my heart, I would not have survived without your dad.  His strength and support and love kept all of us going, and it never waivered.  I look back and wonder how he did it, and I look at him now and wonder the same thing.  I wish I had his strength,  I know that's who you and TJ got yours from.  I am not strong and I have no courage.  Your day is getting ready to follow in TJ's footsteps and clime Mt. Kilimanjaro in February.  I could never do that.  And again, I am afraid, just like I was when TJ and Angela went.  I don't want to be, but the fears I have know, of losing people I love is so hard to deal with.  I wish I was more like the 3 of you.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with every breath I take and each beat of my heart.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  You live on, in every part of me.  In all I do, in all I say, in who I am- you are with me.  I am so sorry, and I wish more than I could ever explain, how much I wanted to be able to trade places with you.  I would lay down and die right now if it would breing you back where you belong.  The lights, the decorations, the music, and everything else means nothing anymore.  We all miss you so much.  I just want to be with you again.  And someday, we four will be together again.  And then the chair won't be empty anymore.  Love, your mom forever.
 

December 2nd, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Day 1524.  Another new month.  Another new "holiday season".  The same grief.  The same loneliness.  I'm sorry Jacquie.  I am so sorry.  I try to "go on", but it always comes back.  EVERYTHING is a reminder of you.  And now, Christmas.  Our 5th without you.  How can it be that you have not been here for 5 Christmases.  It still seems as though it was just yesterday that we celebrated Christmas in the hospital with you.  I know nobody want to hear me talk about those memories so I will keep them to myself.  I will share them with you when we are alone and talking.  But I wish people wouldn't keep expecting me to look forward to the "holidays".  I wish they would stop expecting it to not hurt as much because it has been a while since you were taken from us.  I wish they would stop saying that the "holidays" will get easier as time goes on.  Because you know what?  It doesn't.  And every time someone says "how was your holiday?"  I want to scream at them and say "how do you think it was without Jacquie here with us?"  I feel as though people say things without thinking.  I think all the time.  I think how sorry I am that we couldn't save you.  I think how wishes are useless and maybe there is no hope.  I think maybe things are too hard without you.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you more than you will ever know.  I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as I will love you tomorrow.  Everyday, my love for you grows and gets stronger.  The bond that we have will never be broken and our bond will tie us together forever.  I love you, My Jacquie. mom
 

November 30th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  I hope today you are with Bianca.  It has been two years since she was murdered and taken from her friends and family.  I hope she knows how much they miss her and love her.  It is hard to understand.  As time goes on, the question "WHY" remains.  As does the sorrow and pain.  I would imagine that Bianca's family has a very difficult time dealing with the lack of "closure" and that no one has been held responsible for taking that beautiful little girl's life.  Are you dancing and singing with her?  I hope so.  I hope you are happy.  I wish I could see you smiling and laughing.  More than anything, I wish you were here.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you the sun, and the moon and the stars in the sky.  I wish you soft fluffy clouds and beautiful rainbows.  I wish.....  Love, mom
 

November 28th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I am so sad and tired of sending sympathy cards and get well cancer cards.  When will it end?  Love, mom
 

November 25th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I recieved my TAPS Magazine today.  It stands for Tragedy Assistance Program For Survivors.  It is the third one I have recieved since Billy died.  I gues I recieve it because I was notified of Billy's death, but I don't feel I am entitled to it.  The magazine is written for, and by family and friends of servicemen and women killed in action.  The cover of the magazine says "For the loved ones of those who served & died".  Inside, it is filled with stories, and memories and love.  And saddness and grief.  But this issue also has many ideas from those who have loved and lost, on how to prepare and handle the upcoming "holiday season".  I have read it over many times already and have been trying to use some of the information in my life now.  The holidays for anyone who has lost a loved one can be difficult and trying. Reading how these families prepare to have the holidays with holes in their hearts, it reminds me of us.  After 4 years, I still dread this season.  I do not enjoy it as I did, I doubt I ever will.  I wish it was January, I wish it was over.  Unfortunately, just like the families in the magazine, the season does come and we are forced to endure the lonliness and emptiness of having our loved ones not here with us.  For us, Jacquie and Billy's absence will be another reminder of how unfair life can be.  For those in the magazine, the same.  They write about how they will "get through" the "holidays and how they will honor the lives of their sons, daughters, sisters, brothers and friends.  And I guess that is what is most important to me.  I will not let this season happen without honoring Jacquie's life and Billy's life, and all our fallen soldiers lives.  These families are hurting because of the sacrafices their loved ones made for us.  We can do no less than to remember them and thank them.  I will try to remember the good times, the good memories.  I will try to allow time to grieve and not feel guilty about it.  I will not let others tell me what is good for me or how to "get through" this time of year.  I will help to collect needed items and gifts to send to our soldiers to help make their  holidays a little better and to let them know we have not forgotten them.  I will want them to know that there is no way we could ever thank them for what they are doing for us.  And most of all, this holiday season,  I will try to make Jacquie and Billy proud of me.
My Sweet Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Yesterday we were four, today we are four and for all the tomorrrows to come, we will always be four.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever
 

November 22nd, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Happy Thanksgiving Sweetheart.  I hope you are having a huge meal with all your favorite things to eat.  It's not the same without you, especially this year.  For the first time, TJ is not here with us either.  He is with Lindsay in Tenn., with her family.  I wish I could have just sleep all day.  I wish I hadn't had to leave the house.  We went out to eat with Nana and Grampa in the morning.  Then I went to spend some time with Billy.  I took him a cookie.  In the afternoon we stopped in at Danielle and Matts for a little while.  I miss you, I miss you so much.  And I know that as time goes on and TJ and Lindsay have committments  with her family, that it will be even harder when we have "holidays" without either of you.  I wish we could pretend that there are no more holidays.  Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.
My Jacquie, it has been 1538 days.  Yesterday.  Forever.  Why. I wish..   I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  We will always be four and we will always be a family.  And someday, we will have holidays together again.  Love, your mom forever
 

November 17th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, yesterday was your 5th Annual Vera Bradley Party at The Perfect Gift.  I wish you had been there.  Many of your family and friends came to shop and to look around.  We had wine and some fruit and vegetable trays, you would have loved that!  Many of the people who came have come every year.  They come to remember you and your love for all things Vera.  It was nice to see so many people who love you.  I wish you could have been there.  I saw so many things I wish I could have bought for you.  I remember when we were in New York City for your transplant and we searched the web to find a Vera Bradley store we could take you to.  And we found many.  One of the times that dad and TJ came to visit, we took you to one of the stores and bought you lots of Vera things.  I have them here at home for you.  I haven't ever used them, you never had the chance to.  I think that someday I may be able to give them to your cousins and friends, but not now.  Not yet.  I just look at them and remember.  I wish you were here.
I love you, Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

November 15th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, tonight we went to DeLacy Ford, where Aunt Sheryl works, to have a small fundraiser for you.  Across the country, Ford dealers tonight are doing a promotion for the Ford Fusion and people register at the dealerships when they attend.  Then, for each person who registers, the dealership donates $10.00 to a charity of the dealership's choice.  DeLacy chose you!!  So for each person who came, DeLacy will donate $10.00 to your foundation and then Ford will match each donation up to $500.00!!!  It was even advertised on their website with your foundation information.  DeLacy registered 52 people so your foundation will be recieving $1,000.00 donation.  How about that!!!! Thank you to Aunt Sheryl and all the people at DeLacy who helped out.  It was really a wonderful thing for them to do and I am sure there were many other foundations/charities they could have chosen,  We are honored and grateful they chose you. I wish you could have been there.  I wish you could have been there to thank everyone in person.  I wish all the employees there could have met you and been able to see what a truly incredible person you are.  I wish you could have looked at all the Mustangs with me and we could have pretended that we were going to buy one.  The bright red one.  Or maybe the dark blue one.  I wish you were here so I could buy you one.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I miss you more than you will ever know.  Every event without you hurts.  Every person who says "I never met Jacquie but I feel as though I know her" leaves me feeling sad and angry that they will never have the chance to meet you and know you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  Lately, the sadness is overwhelming and all I want to do is stay home.   Maybe there have just been too many events and fundraisers reminding me why we are doing what we are doing.  Whatever the reason, I need you to keep me moving and make me not want to stay in the house forever.  Please Please Please come to see me.  It has been so long and I need you.  Love, your mom forever
 

November 14th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Yesterday your dad, TJ and I went down to Roswell.  We went down to see the new plaque on the wall- YOUR new plaque!  The new one that lists The Jacquie Hirsch For A.L.L. Foundation as donors of more than $250,000 to Roswell Park Cancer Institute.  How amazing is that?  YOU have gone from the first $10,000 donation to more than a quarter of a million dollars.  YOU have done so much to help in the fight against cancer, to help find a cure.  YOU-, Jacquie Hirsch.  Are you proud?  Are you happy to see what you have done?  Can you BELIEVE that you once, when you were first diagnosed and starting to go to Roswell for treatment, asked us if we ever thought you name would someday be on that wall?  Could you ever have imagined where you would be on that wall?  Well, My Sweetheart, you ARE on that wall, and you are an inspiration to everyone who sees your name up there.  You are the one who keeps us driving harder and working more to do what you asked of us.  You are the reason we do what we do.  You deserve to be on that wall and you should be so very proud of what you have accomplished.
My Jacquie, I love you- love mom
 

November 12th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Did you watch yesterday?  Did you see the flag dedication ceremony for Billy, and all our other fallen heros?  Did you see all the people who came to honor the memory of Billy and others like him who gave their lives for us?  It was an amazing event.  The honor guard was there, as were the fire fighters with their huge truck, many veterans and so many family and friends.  I think we all felt the same sense of sorrow and loss, for Billy and too many others who are fighting a fight that is not ours.  A fight that has taken too many lives.  A fight that too many are unable to win.  Just like cancer.  And just like cancer, the questions remain unanswered.  Why?  Standing there in front of the huge flagpole watching the flag fly straight out in wind, it was hard to understand why we have to keep saying goodbye to our young- taken away from us too soon and too cruelly.  The sight of so many standing there with the Wilsons was a testamant to the love and the loss that we are all still feeling.  And making is harder is knowing that too many families have already done the same thing, and too many more will have to do it in the future.  Saying goodbye is so very hard, no matter what the cause, but the senselessness makes it harder to accept.  We are very thankful and grateful to all those who came yesterday to show their support for Billy and all our troops.  The flagpole and plaque will always stand in honor of all our soliers, in all the wars.  It will stand as a symbol of what we have lost to keep what is so dear to us- our freedom.
My Dear Little Jacquie, I miss you.  I felt you next to me yesterday, as I hoped I would.  I am glad you didn't leave me alone. I love you so much and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I will love you with all my heart and all my soul, with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  I love you with every beat of my heart and each breath I take.  Today the sun came out for a little while, and in that sunshine, I saw your laughter and your smile.  I look for it always, because it is what I need to see and remember to keep me going.  I love you, My Daughter, you will always be mine.  Love, your mom forever
 

November 10th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, somewhere in the sky, somewhere up above, is and Angel with golden wings, someone that I love.  I hope she always knew, how much she meant to me.  I hope she knows without her, my life is as lonely as  can be.  She brought such joy and sunshine, to everyone she met, she gave us all a reason to never ever forget.  That life is short sometimes, we never know what's ahead.  We must listen to our hearts, to see where we are to be led.  This Angel up in heaven, as you know by now is you.  And although it's been a while, your absence still feels new.  I can feel you touch upon me, I can hear your laughter loud.  Your legacy lives on, we are all so very proud. Your dad, TJ and I, miss you so very much.  We are trying to remember, someday again we will feel your touch.  Until that time, My Jacquie, stay with us, keep us strong.  When again we are all together, we will be where we belong.
I love you, Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever
 

November 7th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I heard our song on the radio today.  "Stand" was playing when I got in the car to go to work.  And I couldn't drive.  I had to sit in the driveway while the song played and I sang.  I was so wishing you were next to me, singing with me, being with me.  I remember the first time I heard it, you were in the car with me and we were going shopping.  And you told me how much you like Rascal Flatts and that you loved the song.  I didn't know the words, but you did and you sang so loud that I laughed.  I told you that you should be glad I didn't know the words because I sing so poorly that you would have to ask me to stop.  Then I learned the words, and in spote of my lousy voice, each time it came on when we were together, we would sing it- together.  And now, I sing alone, and have to listen to your voice in my head.  I can hear you, I can hear your voice and the words you are singing, but I can't laugh with you when the song is over.  And you aren't hear to laugh at my singing.  I miss you, My Jacquie.  I wish...
My Sweet Daughter,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I am waiting for you to come to me, waiting for you voice in my ear, your touch on my skin.  And I will keep waiting until we are together again.  I love you.  Love, your mom forever
 

November 5th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, yesterday was the "2nd Annual Bills Party at the Gym" fundraiser.  We decided to hold it again because last year everyone had such a good time.  And this year was even better.  We had about 55 people there and it was so much fun.  We are giving all the money raised  through this event to Marianne and Torey to help with the costs of their climb on Mt. Kilimanjaro this coming Feb.  The game was terrible, the Bills lost as usual, but everyone had great time.  We had beer and pizza and wings and tons of food.  Many of your friends came and spent time playing on the equipment.  It was fun to have them all there again, but you were missing.  When you were younger and had all your friends over to play, it was fun to watch all of you interact and be kids.  Now, I wish so much that you could be here to play and be adults.  I wish.  I wish.
My Jacquie,  Day 1521.  Forever and only yesterday.  Time goes on, people move on, life continues. and yet the emptiness remains.  The hole in my heart has not filled and has not healed, though many told me it would as time went on.  Those who told me that have never lost a child.  I miss you and I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I will love you with evry beat of my heart and every breath I take. And I will be waiting to be with you again.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom and BFF forever
 

November 2nd, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  Did you see it?  Did you see it???  Jacquie, Toby Keith is wearing your bracelet on his newest music video.  We saw it today.  The song is "I Like Girls Who Drink Beer" and it is on You Tube.  The bracelet we gave him at the concert at Darien Lake this summer is on his right arm.  We can't see the writing but we KNOW it is yours. And, there is another photo on his website that shows him wearing it again, and he has different clothes on so we know it's not from the concert or the video.  How amazing is that?  Your bracelet, YOU, are everywhere.  We are so thrilled to see him wearing it, and I know you are too.  I think that you are probably honored to see how you are continuing to make a difference.  I wish you could have been here with us when we first watched it.  We cried and we laughed and we kept saying Holy ____!  It was an incrdible thing to watch.  You are incredible. 
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  You are the sunshine and the moonshine and the drops of rain that glisten on the grass.  You are rainbows and children's laughter, and you are what completes us- The 4 Hirschs.  We are still 4, and we always will be.  We work so hard for you and so that you will be proud of us.  But do you even know how proud we are of you?  You and TJ make us so proud- the people you are and the difference you are making in this world.  And someday, when we are all together again, we will share our happiness with everyone around us.  Everyone will know that we are one and that we belong together.  Until then, please stay with us, stay with me.  I still need you so much and I can't be without you.  Show me you are near, give me a "Tink Wink" so I don't feel so lost.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever
 

October 31st, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Happy Halloween My Jacquie.  I spent time today thinking of past Halloweens.  I remembered the costumes you and TJ wore and all the fun you had as children dressing up and going out to collect the "goodies".  And then I remembered the Halloweens from high school and college.  Wow, some of the outfits you dressed in were amazing!  I think you both had more fun with Halloween when you were older than when you were little. I don't think the "goodies" were the big deal, I think it was the costumes.  Whatever it was, the memories are wonderful.  Tonight, Olivia and Molly Jacqueline came over here to Trick or Treat.  Molly didn't go out, it was too cold, but Olivia came back with lots of great things.  I wish you were here.  I wish I could see you in another costume.  I wish you could have been herre to open the door and see all the little children in their costumes.  I wish you you here.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  Another holiday without you and it seems as though it has been forever since you had a costume on and a Tinkerbell treat bag in your hands.  I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I am waiting for you.  I am waiting to hold you and hug you and to touch your soft skin and silky hair.  I am waiting for you to hug me back.  I am waiting, and I am wishing.  I love you, My Jaquie.  Love, mom
 

October 28th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Oh Jacquie, what a day yesterday was!  Dancers Give Back was an amazing success!!  Again this year, the fourth year it has been held, Mary Alice, Ali, AJ and the dance studios did an incredible job.  The event was perfect.  So many people there, so many dancers and studios.  Young children, old people and those in between came to support you and so many others like you.  Each year, it humbles us to see the amount of work they all put into doing this fundraiser and making absolutely sure that is does not fail.  And it never has.  And, I BELIEVE, it never will.  Ida was back this year, and she brought her mom and Mikayla's mom too.  They came all the way from Texas, and it was so good to meet them.  It was hard to talk with and spend time with Mikayla's mom because she, like me, has lost her daughter to leukemia.  And I didn't know what to say to her except "I'm sorry".  And then we started taking about our daughters.  We realized how much you two were alike.  And we talked about the emptiness that is always with us because you were both taken from us.  In a way, talking to her made me feel a little better, but it made me sad to know that this disease continues to steal lives from us and leaves us empty.  Dr. Wang came and did a short speech and I know that was much appreciated by the people there who were able to hear first hand how much their efforts mean to the research project.  TJ also spoke, and as always, did a wonderful job.  He is so good at putting into words what is in our hearts.  He is so proud of you Jacquie, and I know you ar proud of him.  I also wanted to let you know that about 30 of your sorority sisters drove up from Geneseo to be there.  I had a chance to meet and talk with many of them and I told them how much we appreciate everyything they do to keep your memory alive at Geneseo and with the SDTs.  They made the most beautiful phot album and brought it to show us.  I hope you were looking over my shoulder as I went through it.  Seeing the photos brought back many memories of your time in college and what a wonderful time it was.  We saw such funny pictures of you at many of the sorority events, ones that you and Bina helped to plan.  What a fun time that was for you.  Saying goodbye when the girls left was hard, because having them there made me feel as though you were next to me too.  They are wonderful girls, and I am proud that they are your friends.  Thank you Mary Alice, Ali, AJ and everyone who made the Fourth Annual Dancers Give Back a huge succss, again.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I would have given my life to have had you standing with your friends at Dancers.  I wish you could have been there to dance and sing and celebrate your life.  But never ever doubt, that we didn't celebrate it with you and for you. I love you- mom 
 

October 25th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, tonight was the Ride For Roswell Awards Ceremony.  It was held at UB and there was a small reception and then the actual ceremony in the auditorium.  I know you were there too.  I felt you. I knew that last night when I asked you to be with us, you would be.  I know you wanted to be there to feel the pride we felt when we we told we finished in 15th place out of 475 teams.  And like me, I know you wished so very much that you could have been there with us, holding the plaque and having your picture taken.  I wish all the riders could have been there too, to share in the wonderful feeling of having made you proud of us.  Each time your "team in green" rides, everyone knows we are doing it for Jacquie Hirsch, the "Tink Girl'.  And everyone knows, we won't disappoint you or let you down.  Knowing that you are responsible for all we do should make you realize, in case you didn't already know, how very much we love you.  And how terribly we miss you.  The Ride For Roswell is just one more event we do, to make sure no one ever forgets you. You are the reason we keep doing events and trying to raise money for research and for families who need help.  And because of you, Dr. Wang and Dr. Nowak's research is moving forward.  Maybe not as fast as we would like, but it is progress.  And the help we are able to give to families and patients, we know somehow makes them have just a little less to worry aobut.  So, My Jacquie, you are a force that has no end.  You are what pushes us, what drives us, and what strengthens us.  You are Jacquie Hirsch.
My Sweetheart, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You are the sun, the moon and the stars in the sky.  You are rainbows with colors that compare to none. You are My Daughter, for now and forever.  I love you Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

October 21st, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Thougt of you a lot today.  We were in Rochester for a clinic and you were there with me.  I felt you.  I could hear you.  I KNOW you were these because I asked you last night to give me a "Tink Wink'.  And you did.  I stood outside for a short time while dad was cutting the backyard and my mind started to think of words to say to you.  So, I wrote you another corny poem.  I hope you like it.
 
                       I stood out in the night,
                       And took a look around.
                       I listened to the quiet,
                       I didn't hear a sound.
                       The night was soft and still,
                       The breeze, a gentle touch.
                       I felt so lost without you,
                       I miss you so very much.
                       I think of our times together,
                       The laughter and the tears.
                       I wonder where we'd be right now,
                       Had we not been denied these years.
                       And I hope you know I am sorry,
                       As sorry as I can be.
                       That I wasn't able to keep you,
                        Here where you beong- with me.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  Your dad, TJ and I never stop thinking of you and missing you being here with us.  We all know that without you, we are not complete but we are still 4.  You will always be our daughter, our sister.  And we will never forget you.  We will continue what you have started and we will work to help find a cure.  We will not let your fight be for nothing.  You are us, and we are you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  With all that I am and all that I ever will be.  You are each beat of my heart and every breath I take.  I know that when the days are the hardest, you are giving me strength and courage.  I wish you you here by my side.  I wish I could kiss your cheeks, and hold your hand.  I wish I could brush your hair and rub your back.  I wish.........  All my love forever and ever, your mom
 

October18th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, hello Sweetheart, I miss you.  I always say that, don't I.  I always say I miss you and I love you.  But I do.  So very much.  Maybe it gets old to anyone who still reads this, but I have to keep telling you so that you never ever forget.  I have to make sure you know that however much time has passed, it is not enough- will never be enough, to make me miss you less or love you less.  Time passed makes me love you more.  Time passed doesn't erase the quilt.  Time passed doesn't  change the saddnes that I feel for not making you well again.  Forever time and beyond will never make your life mean less or forgotten.  Time will only bring me closer to being with you again.
My Jacquie, you know.  I miss you and I love you.  I can't say anything more tonight.  Love, your mom forever
 

October14th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, WOW- did you see your "Clinic For A Cure" yesterday?  The 4th Annual C4AC was held at Gymnastics Unlimited yesterday, and, like all your other events, was a huge success.  Larry, once again, did an outstanding job organizing and setting up the clinic for about 110 gymnasts from 7 different gymnastic clubs in upstate NY.  There were so many judges and coaches who volunteered their time to help out and the children had a wonderful time.  We can't beging to thank everyone enough for all the hard work and effort that went into making this event a memorable one for all the gymnasts, coaches and judges who attended.  Thank you to Larry and to Gymnastics Unlimited for allowing us to have the clinic at their gym again this year.  Jacquie, the very best part of the clinic for me was the new T-shirt design.  The t-shirts had on them, the drawing you did on your middle school wall block.  Can you BELIEVE it?  Your friends found it in the cafeteria at Heim and sent the picture to us.  Your drawing is a balance beam with your name JAX on it, the Olympic rings and 2 stick figures doing gymnastic poses.  Your artistic talents are great!!  It was so emotional to see all the children wearing your drawing on their T-shirts with a picture of you next to it.  They are beautiful.  Thank you for leading us to that wall block.
My Jacquie, today I have another clinic to go to and then I will go right to Brian's benefit.  Please try to visit me there, it is always so hard to be at another cancer patient's benefit and not remember yours.  How much we worried that you would not be well enough to leave Roswell to make an appearance at the benefit.  But you did.  You made sure you were there to thank everyone who came to support you and show you how much they love you.  You amazed then and you continue to amaze us now.  Jacquie, I love you and I will love you forever and ever, and longer than that.  Love, your mom
 
 

October11th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Are you well, My Jacquie?  Are you happy and safe?  I have been talking to you, but I haven't had a "Tink Wink" from you in a little while and I am wondering how you are.  The mother in me will always worry about you.  I don't know what it is like in heaven, I don't know who is watching over you while you are watching over us.  As the weather gets colder, I wish I could know that you are warm.  I wish I could be buying you winter coats and boots.  I wish I could be taking care of you.  I don't know what it is like there, but I pray and wish and hope that it is warm and happy.  I hope someday I will be there with you, that all of us will be there with you.  The leaves are turning color and falling off the trees.  It reminds me of all the times you and TJ help dad and I to rake the leaves and make big piles to jump into.  Is it fall in heaven?
My Sweet Sweet Girl,  I miss you.  I love you and will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I will love you with all my heart and all my soul.  With all that I am and all that I will ever be.  Each breath I take, each beat of of heart is for you.  I know you are with me always, as I am always with you.  If you could, please send me a "Tink Wink", I really could use one now.  Please take care of Brian and Sue's great niece, Jana, Cindy, Dr. Rusin and all the too many others who are fighting to live.  Give them the strength and courage to keep fighting, let them know they are not alone.  And Jacquie, remember that we are still 4, that we are still a family and that you are always with us in all we do and everywhere we go.  You are what makes us The 4 Hirschs.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever
 

October 9th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, tonight, please say special prayer for all those who are still fighting their fight.  All the newly diagnosed, who are still trying to understand what has happened to their "normal" lives.  Trying to understand how a  couple of words can change the future so horribly.  Say a prayer for all those who have been fighting for months and years.  The ones who have kept fighting in spite of the constant setbacks and disappointing test results.  Say a prayer for all the families and friends, who are forced to stand by and watch, helpless to change what has happened.  And helpless to control the future.  I am asking this of you because you are the Angel we look to for strength and courage when ours has failed us.  You are the one who tells us we can make it through one more day.  You are the one who shows us that giving up is not an option.  You are our light and the song in our hearts.  There is no way we can do this without you.
 My Jacquie, another wedding and celebration of new lives joined.  Our heaarts are filled with happiness for them. Our hearts are filled with saddness as well.  I wonder if there will ever come a time when we go to a wedding and don't think of you standing at the alter in a beautiful wihite wedding gown.  I don't BELIEVE that will ever happen.  But each wedding we attend is a very special honor for us, because we stand there for you.  We are there because you would be, we can do no less.  For us to be invited means that you are still remembered and loved, that the bride and groom want you there for their special day.  So, we stand for you.  I miss you and I love you.   I WILL love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I will love you with all my heart and all my soul, with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  We are 4, we always will be.  The empty chair will never be filled until we are together again.  I love you, your mom forever.
 

October 7th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, it's time for be and once again, I am thinking of you.  Thinking of all the times I tucked you in and kissed you goodnight.  All the times when you were little that we had to find room for you in your bed because of all the stuffed animals you had sharing your bed with you.  All the times when you were older and we laid in your bed talking and you shared special thoughts and secrets with me.  All the times when you were in Roswell, Sloan Kettering or Hope Lodge and i tucked you in and prayed with all that was in me that the next day would be a good one for you.  Every night now, I know I would give my life for just one more night to tuck you in, hug you tight and kiss you goodnight.
I love you My Jacquie, and every night, I do kiss you  goodnight.  Love, your mom forever
 

October 3rd, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  I saw some photos of you today, from when you were in middle school.  They made me smile.  Some of them were when you had your braces on, and one was even with you and "Brace" (Liz), the two of you with huge smiles and mouthfuls of metal.  It made me remember all the times you complained about having to were braces when most of your friends already had theirs off.  And typical mom response from me was "someday you'll be so glad we made you were them".  And you know what?  You were.  You have the most incredible smile and even with the braces on, your smile lit up the room.  So looking at the photos made me smile because your voice was so clear in my head.  After I came home from the gym tonight, I couldn't help but go to your room and look through more of your photo albums.  I needed to see more of your smiles.  I needed to see more of you laughter.  I needed to see your happiness.  I am so sorry that there wasn't a long lifetime of happiness.  I am so sorry that there will never be any more new pictures of your beautiful smile.  I am so very sorry.
My Jacquie, I miss you and love you so much.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You are my rainbows and my sunshine, you are the stars  and the moon and the shinning sun in the sky.  You give all of us courage and strength and show us how to go on without you.  My need for you never dies.  My trust in you that you will never leave us is strong.  I know, I BELIEVE, that you understand how much we all miss you and love you and that you are with us every second, every minute, every hour of every day.   I am holding you tight and feeling your soft skin against me.  I can feel you holding me too.  I will never let go.  Love, you mom
 

October 1st, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, The first day of another new month.  Day 1486.  I was in the car today, driving to the gym and feeling sad.  The radio was on and I was thinking of you.  The next song that came on made me smile, and remember how we used to sing so loudly and badly when we were driving places.  "Pretty Woman" was the song and I couldn't help but sing loudly and badly again.  I kept thinking that somewhere in heaven, you were doing the same thing.  I always wonder when I am thinking of you, even if I don't speak the words out loud, do you know it?  Can you feel me thinking of you?  Do you hear my words that are in my head and my heart without me saying them?  I sing to you still, and problably always will.  Remember, "A daughter needs a mom who will sing along with her when her favorite song comes on the radio".   You are the song in my heart and the melody of my life.  You make my heart sing with joy and pride, and never will there be a time that I don't remember our favorite songs.
My Sweet Daughter,  I miss you and I love you.  The fall colors are starting to show and reminds that another season has passed and a new one with soon begin.  The seasons of your life were the most beautiful of all and in my memories are the wonderful times each new season brought to all 4 of us.  Those memories are alive and close to us always.  They give us hope that someday, we will once again share the new season's arrival together.  I love you.  Love, your mom forever
 

September 28th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, they just keep coming.  Sad days, "anniversaries", memories that I don't want to remember.  Five years ago today, you were told you had Leukemia.  I relive that day, that moment, over and over and over again.  The shock, the disbelief and anger and mostly, the fear.  Not knowing what was ahead for you was the worst moment of my life as a parent, up until that point.  What followed , we all know.  But at the time, we knew nothing.  I wish I could go back and erase that moment, and make the doctor take back those horrible words.  I wish I could have changed your life by changing places with you.  If you only knew how much guilt I still carrry for not being able to change what happened, for not being able to save you- my child, my daughter.  I wish that I had been the one to have those words spoken to me, because you should still be here.  Aparent should be able to give their life for their child's.  I would have in less than a heartbeat.  And to this day, if I could, I would change places with you.  I am so sorry that I couldn't.
My Sweet Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul, with each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  The 4 of us always will be, and there will never be a time that you are not with us.  You are with us each morning when we wake up, beside us every moment of the day, and are there with us when our days end.  We are you and you are us, now and forever.  With love forever and ever, your mom
 

September 25th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, another bad day, sad day.   I was cleaning today and decided today would be the day I redecorated yours and TJ's bathroom.  I know.  Why bother.  Neither of you are here anymore to see it or use it.  I guess I just wanted to use some of the things that you and I had bought to make it Tink bathroom.  Remember the Tinker Bell shower curtin and shower curtin holders that we found at Walmart?  I had gone down to visit you and take you to lunch.  Then, as always, we went to Walmart to shop for food and snacks for you.  And there they were, right in front of us as we walked in- Tinker Bell home accessories!  We found the shower things, a waste basket, a rug and towels.  We thought we had really hit the jackpot, and of course, we bought it all.  We thought that someday when you had your own home, you would use these things to decorate a bathroom for your children.  It didn't happen that way.  And now, I just felt as though I should be having them out for you to see.  I am so sorry Jacquie, so very sorry.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I will never leave you, please don't leave me.  Love, your mom forever
 

September 22nd, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Day 1477.  Fall is here.  Days are shorter and cooler and the summer is pretty much over.  Each seasons brings memories back,  "anniversaries" and "remember whens".  September is my least favorite month, it is the month that brings most of the pain.  You were diagnosed in Sept. and you were taken from us in Sept.  I can't wait until this month is over.  I guess I feel that way about many months, but Sept. doesn't have good memories.  The fall brings reminders of picking out pumkins and carving them to put candles in.  Deciding what to be for Halloween.  Making plans for the holidays.  A new year at school.  And more.  This year, fall means more weddings and new babies.  It means emptiness.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you so very much.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul, and I WILL love you forever and ever and always.  I love you the sun, and the moon, and the stars, and beyond.  I want to be with you again.  I am not strong enough to keep this up.  It is hard to always be trying to find a way to say thank you to people.  I feel as though we owe everyone so much and there is no way to repay them for the support and time and donations they give to us.  There is no way to tell them how much it means to us when they remember you at their weddings and celebrations.  How  do we tell them that it means the world to us to know they haven't forgotten you?  How many way can I find to say "Thank you for not letting Jacquie leave your life"?  We need everyone's help to keep moving forward with your foundation, but I feel so bad when we keep asking for help.  I don't know what to do Jacquie,  I need you.  Love, mom

September 19th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Tonight we went down to Roswell for the Pediatric Tribute Service.  It is held each year to honor and remember all the pediatric patients who have left us too early because of some type of cancer.  Each year the list grows depressingly longer.  As we went into the room and joined the other parents "like us", it was a sad testement to the need for more help, more reserch, A Cure.  When the invitaion for this came, they asked us to send a picture of you, and they made a wonderful slide show with all the pictures families had sent.  It was so hard to see, from little toddlers to young adults like you, the lives ended too soon.  Lives with so much promise and hope.  Lives lost, that left holes in the hearts of all who loved them.  The pictures of smiling children who fought with such strenght and courage.  The children who will have no more pictures in the family albums.  There was a program for the evening with the names of all the children, and sadly, we knew many of them.  When will it end?  There was a quote in it and it said-
 
                     "How quietly they tiptoed into our world.  Softly, only for a moment they stayed.  But what an imprint their footprints have left upon our hearts."                    
 
 
Oh Jacquie, how true are those words.  You are proof.  Your footprints are everywhere, on everyone's heart, in everyone's lives.  You are our heart.   We were also given a little ornament to take home.  It is a tear drop and on it is says-
 
                    "Those we love don't go away.  They walk beside us everyday.
                    Unseen, unheard, but always near,
                    Still loved, still missed and forever dear."
 
After we had recieved our ornaments, there was a poem we all read outloud, and I think it was a perfect way to express what we were feeling.
 
                    As you look upon this ornament in days to come, remember:
                    A tear drop doesn't weigh much, but oh, all it holds inside!
                    It carries the weight of feelings and emotions you can't hide.
                    Teardrops have a job to do, to bring about relief,
                    To wash away your pain that comes from your grief.
                    They also bring back joy again and healing to your soul:
                    Cleansing each emotion, so let your teardrops flow!
                    For teardrops need to fall to get you past your sorrow.
                    Heaven's Angels will catch them.  Giving you hope for tomorrow.
 
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  That is never going to change.  You are my heart and my soul, you are all that I am and all that I ever will be.  The stars in the sky twinkle for you, and the sun shines for you.  You are why we are all doing what we do.  We will continue your fight until  there is no more reason to fight- until there is  a cure.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I will forever be your mom, and you will forever be my daughter. And someday the 4 of us will be together again.  Love, your mom
 

September 15th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, It was a long day at the gym today.  I couldn't wait to get home.  Couldn't wait to feel that I was with you, where I belong.  I thought about you a lot today, probably because again, I spent time with the little ones.  I see the excitment in their faces at the suggestion of learning something new and then the expressions of joy and pride when they master a new skill.  Do you see them Jacquie?  Do you watch them from above and listen to their voices as they say "watch me, watch me"?  Do you share my sddnes at the "what ifs"?  Somedays it's not as hard, but the little ones break my heart when I think of you working with them and teaching them.  I wish you could talk to me and tell me what you would say to them.  What words of wisdom would you want them to know.  Would you teach them more than gymnastics?  Of course you would!  You would teach them respect, self confidence and pride in their accomplishments.  You would teach them to listen when someone is talking and to use please and thank you.  You would teach them that trying is just as important as succeeding.  You would teach them that life is a combination of fun and hard work and nothing is accomplished without effort.  You would have taught them so much more.  You would have taught them all that you have taught us.
My Jacquie, I miss you.  I love you.  What else can I say?  Love, your mom forever
 

September 11th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  Four years ago today was your funeral.  Four years ago today we had to say goodbye.  But we weren't alone.  Hundreds of family and friends came to say goodbye to you and to stand with us.  To honor you.  To remember you.  To love you.  That honor, those memories and the love is still with us today.  For you, it will go on forever. For all those who lost loved ones on 9/11, we mourn with you.  Lives lost, without reason, will always be loved and missed. We love you, My Jacquie.  WE BELIEVE that someday we will be 4 together again.  Love, mom
 

September 10th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  Today I went down to Roswell.   I really have a hard time going there, but once again, I wanted to try to donate blood or platlets.  I've tried before but my blood counts have been below what is acceptable for them to let me donate.  I was meeting Kathy down there, she was going to be donating too, and we thought it would be nice to do it together.  She was already there, getting started when I arrived, and I was a little later than I had hoped  I would be because I could seem to walk through those doors again.  I stood outside.  I stood there and watched all the people going in and out.  I looked at the faces of the fighters and the families- the faces that showed hope and depair.  Happiness and saddness.  Understanding and unansered questions.  It made me want to scream and cry.  It made me want to tell them all "Don't give up, keep 'BELIEVING'.  It made me want to turn around and run as fast and as far as I could go.  Away from there, away from all the memories and pain.  Away from remembering the last time we left there without you.  As I stood there, trying to find my courage, I felt a little push, a little nudge.  And I KNEW, it was from you.  I knew you were telling me to get in there and do what I needed to do.  You made me remember how grateful we were each time you needed blood or platlets and someone had walked through those doors to make sure you had it.  Your little push made me remember the times when you needed it and there was none available.  The panic we felt and the fear that came over us knowing that your life depended on someone who didn't walk throug those doors.
So I went in.  And as always, the first thing I do is go to the donor wall and touch your plaque.  It hangs so proudly there, among all the others, but I know yours is the brightest and most beautiful.  I walked into the lobby and ran into Dr. Wang.  After all this time, seeing her still makes me grateful for all she did for you.  I know that gratitude will never go away.  She was so good to you, and I know how much you cared for her, how much faith you had in her to do everything possible to make you well again.  I know that you understand how I feel about her.  You feel that way too.  After leaving there, I went to the donation center,checked in and talked with Kathy for a while.  When my turn came I was so nervous.  I wanted so badly to give.  But again, I was told no.  And I cried.  I felt as though I had let you down again.  I couldn't help give someone another day of life.  And I felt so sad.  I stayed and talked with Kathy, but alfter a while, I  couldn't breathe anymore, I felt as though I was suffocating,  I had to get out of there.  So I left.  I stopped to touch your placque.  Then I walked back out the doors.  I promise you, My Jacquie, I will try again. 
My Sweet Daughter,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I ever will be.  Each beat of my heart is for you, each breath I take is for you.  When I am sad, I feel you near me and when I cry, I feel your touch.  Day 1465 and still I miss you with deep sorrow.  We are still 4 and we are still with you.  You will never be without us and we need you near us always.  I am waiting for you in my dreams.  I love you. Love, your mom forever
 

September 8th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, couldn't wait to get home from the gym today.  I will be home with you until Monday morning- I don't have to leave the house for anything!!  I know that shouldn't make me feel better, but it does. No matter how much I want to change, it is hard to not want to be at home all the time.  To you, that must sound so strange.  You, who loved to be out and about and surrounded by people, wouldn't look forward to days without leaving the house.  Maybe I am that way now because the world is so much darker and empty without you. Whatever the reason, I am so glad to be home with you for the rest of the weekend.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you to the moon and back. I will love you forever.  Love, your mom
 

September 6th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Today has arrived, in spite of all my wishes that it would never come and that it would be over before it arrived.  Four years.  1461 days.  All these years, and days and hours and minutes have gone by without you and still we miss you.  And still we cannot accept that you were taken from us.  Before you became sick, I often wondered what our lives would be like in 5 or 10 years.  I thought of all that was ahead- the dreams and hopes and wishes.  But I never thought this.  I never thought that our lives would end up being lived without you.  And now, I am lost, lost for words and lost without you.  I cannot seem to stop questioning "why". 
Today, your dad did his motorcycle ride for you, he was gone all day.  He rides for you and with you and he remembers the wonderful times the two of you spent on the bike, traveling down the roads without a care in the world.  Without any idea of the pain and saddness that was ahead.  Your rides were fun and made wonderful memories and he misses those time with you.  He misses you.
TJ did his own thing today too.  I don't know how to tell you about TJ.  He has become a different person, one that I don't know like I used to.  And sometimes, I feel as though I have lost him too.  And the thought of losing both my children is more than I can bear.  I know you watch over him, and I know you are so proud of all he is doing and all that he has accomplished.  I wish you were here to tell him in person.  I wish you were by his side.  He misses you.
And me.  I stayed home with you today.  I didn't go into the gym even though it is our second day of classes because I NEEDED to be with you.  I talked with you and sang to you and even danced with you.  I looked at photo albums and scrapebooks and I told you stories.  I laughed a little, but mostly I cried alot.  I cried because I really miss you so much and I can't seem to get used to you not being here.  The weddings, the showers, the new babies, the wedding gowns, the new homes, the new jobs, everything that you should be doing is going forward without you and it hurts.  I just want to be with you.
Your dad, TJ and I went to dinner at Black and Blue after dad got back from his ride.  We know you were with us.  We remember how much you liked eating there.  We missed you, Jacquie.  It will never be the same without you.
I was looking through a booklet that we got in the mail yesterday, and something caught my eye.  I read it and I realized you must have sent it to us just for today.  It is called "Wings of An Angel", and although I can't remember if I have seen it before, I know you sent it to us today so we will know you are with us. 
 
          You have a guardian Angel, who watches over you.
          Everywhere you go and everything you do.
          This gentle, silent helper, is there to be your guide.
          To shelter and protect you, and walk right by your side.
          Your Angel will always help you, whenever things go wrong.
           Like glorious wings that guide your feet, as life's path you walk along
           Feel this calming presence, be enfolded by its love.
           And let your life be guided, by a power from above.
 
My Jacquie, We all miss you and love you.  We will always be 4.  We will be together again someday.
Love, your mom
 

September 2nd, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, closer and closer it comes.  I dread it and yet I want it to come and be over.  I am waiting for you.  Love, your mom
 

August 30th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Summer is coming to a close and as always happens this time of year, I am going through the saddness of school starting without you.  I know, it doesn't make any sense to mourn what will never be, but my heart can't accept that.  Each September, I think of how excited you were to start student teaching and I can't help but think of the excitment you would be feeling getting ready for your new classroom of students now.  I think of all the supplies you had ready to put in your classroom, all the wonderful things passed onto you from Mrs. Jureller.  I think of your "teaching clothes" and what great fun we had shopping for them.  I miss going "back to school shopping" with you.  I can't stand to be in the malls or stores this time of year because no matter where I go, mothers and daughters of all ages are shopping and laughing and sometimes arguing.  And they are making memories.  I miss making memories with you.  I miss you.
My Darling Daughter Jacquie,  I miss you. I love you.  I need to know you have not left us alone, we all still need you so much.  We all miss you and the ache remains and the holes in our hearts never fill.  "What ifs" haunt me and I wonder "Why" all the time.  I think of you and want to see you, see that you are happy and safe and healthy.  I think of you and I want to hold you and touch you and hug you.  I imagine your smile and I want to hear you call me "mom" and I want to hear your laughter.  I just want to be with you again.  And I will wait for you to come to me.  I know you will because I BELIEVE that you won't leave me alone.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever
 

August 28th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, your dad gave me a book recently and the title is "She".  I wondered what the book was about so I opened it up to read the inside cover.  It made me cry because the book could be titled "Jaacqueline Elisabeth Hirsch".  The book is about you.  Below is what is written on the inside cover.
 
            " She affected all others around her.  Quietly touching one heart, who in turn touched another.  Reaching out to ends further than she would ever know.
             Who is she?  There are many ways describe a woman.  Mother, daughter, sister, or wife.  Student,  teacher, leader or friend....
             Look around.  There are certain women in our world who have the gift of finding joy everywhere and leaving it behind them when they go.  You'll usually find them immersed in their work, or slow dancing with their dreams or making a difference for all those around them.  These are women who can  flood our souls with light and laughter...strength and courage...hopes and dreams.  It's not just what they do that sets them apart, it's how they make us feel. 
             She is someone gentle but powerful.  Someone whose music washes away the dust of everyday life.  Someone who makes us laugh when we thought we would cry.  Someone who can pick up the pieces and give them back in the right order.  Someone who pays attention to the little things and adds such beauty to the world.  Someone who cares. 
             We feel so lucky and so blessed to have these special women in our lives.  It's hard to express how we feel about them, but here's something we can do: We can love them, affirm them, thank them, and celebrate them."
 
This book is written about you and for you.  YOU are SHE.  And for anyone who has never met you, all they would have to do is read this book and they would know you.  They would celebrate you and they would love you.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all I am and all that I will ever be.  I am your mom forever and ever and I always will be.  And the 4 of us will always be 4.  I need you and I am waiting for you to come to me in my dreams.  Please come to see me soon.  I love you, your mom
 

August 25th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I miss you honey.  Days go by quickly but too slowly.  I think sometimes time stops in fast motion.  And it makes me wonder what is ahead, for me and for all of us.  We spend so much time and energy working for you and your dream and I don't know if you think we are moving fast enough.  Time is so precious and for those who must wage a war against cancer, time is not always on their side.  So how can we move faster?  How can we make our efforts matter sooner?  Can we even do that?  Or is the cancer going to continue to win?  Each day should bring us closer to a cure- for even a small victory in some area of cancer prevention, diagnosis or treatment.  Each day, all those millions of prayers that go up to heaven, praying for a cure should matter.  Something has to matter, something has to make a difference.  Can you tell me what more we can do?  Can you help us find a way to give more hope to others and to give them a reason to BELIEVE that someday, we will be a cancer free world?
My Jacqueline Elisabeth, I am feeling so sad today and missing you tons of tears.  I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  My heart is so lonely and broken and I need you.  Days like today cannot be over soon enough for me and I just want to be with you.  I love you, My Jacquie,  Love- your mom forever
 

August 22nd, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I promise, no whinning.  I just want you to know that you should be proud of all  you family and friends.  I have finally finished all the paperwork on the Tinker Ball and the Cruise Against Cancer.  We did well, Sweetheart.  We have more funds for your Research Project at Roswell, and for all the other donations and projects we have set up in you memory and in your honor.  We CAN  help.  We CAN amke a difference, just like you asked us to do.  The Tinker Ball profitted about $28,0000 and the Cruise was a little over $3,000.  The Mt. Marcy event is not finalized yet but we hope to have mad about $18,000.  So you see My Jacquie,  you ARE the force that drives us,  you ARE the reason we do what we do.  And mostly,  YOU are the reason we succeed.  Your family and friends won't let you down. 
"A mother needs a daughter to hold her hand and tell her that she knows she is trying hard to make a difference."  I wish you knew how hard I am trying.
My Jacquie,  I love you so very very much.  I would give anything to hold you again.  Love, your mom
 

August 18th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I know that today you met your family and friends on the very top of the mountain.  I know that for sure because you helped them to make it to the top.  The climb to the top of Mt. Marcy began at 5:30 am and was an all day, long day, grueling trek.  The climbers said the trail was not really a trail for most of the climb, it was boulders and rocks and hazards to be avoided.  TJ said that no single day on Mt. Kilimanjaro was as difficult as Mt. Marcy.  The guides were wonderful and so encouraging and helpful.  The climb was hard, but then the veiw from the top was breathtaking.  The photos are amazing and I am sure that each of the climbers will remember their journey for their lifetime.  I hope that if the foundation does another climb like this, I will be able to go too.  So many of them told me that felt you there with them, giving them strength and energy, and a push along the way when it was needed.  And when they would tell me that, they touch their shoulders as if they could truly physically feel you hands guiding them upward.  And I am sure they could.  To be so close to you, so close to heaven must be a wonderful feeling.  Dad said he knew you were with him, and I envy him that.  When he meets you on top of Mt. Kili next February, with Marianne,  I will envy him that as well.  But I know you are here with me, as close to heaven as I can get to you.  I wish I had the courage to tackle Mt. Kili, but I don't.  I know that it truly is something I am not capable of.  Flying to Africa and than climbing like TJ and Angela did  is no something I could do.  And I know it makes me a coward, but I try to make it up to you in other ways.  I am trying so hard to do more with the foundation and learn more about the business part of it so I can take on more responsibilty and make less work for TJ.  I am not really good with computers or "hi tech" as you know, but I am trying to learn more so that I can prove to you that I am committed to doing all I can for you, even if I can't climb a mountain.  I guess I feel like I am disappointing you when I don't climb.  I wish I coul.  I wish I, too, could meet you at the top of the world.
My Sweet Daughter,  day 1442.  Almost 4 years.  It is still so fresh and so cutting.  The pain and the guilt.  I miss you so much.  Another wedding today.  A beautiful wedding with a storybook pricess bride and an oh-so handsome groom.  A picture perfect day and setting.  A beginning of a new life for Crystal and Brian.  Love was everywhere, and happiness filled the rooms.  You weren't there.  But there was a beautiful photo graph of you on the table at the entrance to the reception.  One of Billy too.  And as horribly sad as I was that you weren't there with us, my heart was overcome with gratitude that they chose to honor you and your life by sharing their reception with you.  Yes, Jacquie, you may have been at the top of the mountain, but I KNOW you were there with me too.  I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul. with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You are with me always and I will never leave you.  Please don't ever leave me.  We ARE The 4 Hirschs- now and foever.  I love you, your mom
 

August 15th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Long day.  Long night.  Long life without you.  I love you, mom
 

August 13th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Thank you for a good weekend.  Saturday and Sunday I stayed home all day with you and it was so very nice.  I didn't have to go anywhere, do anything or even see anyone.  I could just be with you all weekend.  That happens maybe once a year and I really needed it this past weekend.  I stayed here with you and worked on your foundation things.  I am trying to get the Tinker Ball and Cruise Against Cancer closed and having this time helped.  There is so much to figure out and document and process and I just want to get it finished so that we know where we stand.  I am pretty sure that we did well, and that you will be proud of us, but I want to know for sure.  I want to know that you have a huge reason to be proud of us.  I hope you are.
The time I spent with you talking and remembering was very special.  Looking at pictures and sharing memories with you made me feel as if you were right there next to me, where you belong.  If I thought about it hard enough, I could hear you talking to me about the pictures and who was in them and what they were doing.  I could hear your laughter and sometimes I could feel your tears.  I can't still, after all this time, believe you are gone from us, but days when it's just you and me can make me forget and pretend that you are still here.  I wish you were still with me.
My Sweet Jacquie,  I love you and I miss you so very much.  And, no matter how much times passes, how old I get or what else happens in my life,  I will always miss you with all that I am.  And I will always love you with all that I will ever be.  1436 days will never dim the last time I heard your voice, heard you laugh, and held you in my arms.  Time passes but stands still for my love for you.  Love, your mom forever
 

August 10th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I went to see Billy again today.  Why do things happen that are so unfair?  Why?  I am having such a hard time remembering to BELIEVE because what I am trying to BELIEVE in keeps slipping away.  We spend our lives trying to understand what we cannot understand, and trying to find the answers to questions that we may never have the answers to.  I think of all that should have been and all that could have been and I wonder why it won't be for you.  For others, yes, but for you, they will not be.  And the dreams you had and the hopes for what your life would bring, will not happen because you were taken from us way before you were meant to be.  And now, I still see you in everything I do and see.  And every special occasion that we share with family or friends has a void in it because you are not there to share it with us.  Many weddings, engagements, showers, and new babies have filled our year, but nothing can fill the hole in my heart because these special events will never be shared with you or for you.  I know that I've said it before, but life does go on.  But so does the pain.  So does the missing you and the wanting you back with us.  And so does the saddness that the dreams you had and shared with me, will go unanswered.  I am so sorry, I wish I could have taken your place, I wish you could be here instead of me.
My Beautiful Daughter, I miss you and I love you, more than you will ever know.  I love you more today than yesterday but never as much as I will love you tomorrow.  I love you the rainbows in the sky and the raindrops on the flowers.  I love you to the moon and back, to the sun and back and beyond.  I love you my life.  Love forever and ever, your mom
 

August 8th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  Spent much of the day today thinking of you and missing you so very much.  So much has been going on these past few weeks and I feel as though I haven't had time to spend with you the way I want to.   I miss being at home with you, and just being near you.  I don't like that I have had to be at the gym so much, and I really don't like that you and I haven't been talking as much as we usually do.  I promise that now that the Ride, the Ball and the Cruise are over, I willl be with you more.  I have to settle up with the Ball and Cruise and do the thank you notes, but much of that I can do from home, so we will be together more now.  I am sorry Jacquie, so very sorry.  Love, mom
 

August 4th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I don't know how you do it, but you managed to give us another incredible day for your Cruise Against Cancer.  The day was hot, very hot.  But not a cloud in the sky.  And as we all know, car people never take their cars out in the rain, so the sun was more than welcome.  We had a good crowd again this year, maybe a few cars less than last year, but still a great turnout.  People seemed to enjoy themselves- eating, buying 50/50 tickets and buying chances to win great things at the basket raffels.  And of course, comparing their cars with everyone else's.  Our day started early, I got to the gym at seven and TJ was already there.  But by 8:30, your family and friends who were volunteering to help out for the day, had arrived and were busy setting up.  The registration wasn't scheduled to start until 10:00. but the first cars started to arrive at 8:45!  I guess it's important to get a good spot to park your car.  By 11:00, the parking lot was filling up nicely and we had ourselves a Cruise Against Cancer Car Show success again.  Your brother worked so hard to make it happen for you and I hope you are proud of him.  He tries so hard to make everything for you the very best it can be.  We all do, but I think for him- it's what drives him the most.  All his efforts allowed him and the others who cruised down to Roswell to make the check donation, the chance to present Roswell with check for almost $2,700.00.  It must be an amazing sight for you to see from heaven- all those cars and motorcycles  in a long line, leaving the gym and driving all the way down to Roswell.  All for you.  All to show you how much we miss you and love you.  All to make your dream come true.  All because we won't let you be forgotten.
My Sweet Little Girl,  I miss you.  I wish you had been there today, driving the SVT down to Roswell behind TJ in his Saleen.  What I won't give for the chance to see you and TJ together again.  I would give my life for that.  I am so sorry you never had the chance to be at one of TJ's Cruises.  I  have no doubt that you would once again be crowned "Miss Mustang Sally".  And I have no doubt that your pride in TJ would show on your face for all the world to see.  I love you, My Jacquie.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that,  I love you with every breath I take and each beat of my heart.  I love you the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky.  I am so empty without you and I miss your voice, your laughter and your hugs.  I miss you.  I love you, your mom forever.
 

August 2nd, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, It has been a hectic few weeks and I am in a constant whine mode.  I am sure you are telling yourself that you're glad you're aren't here with me now- too much stress and drama.  I try, I really really do, not to get stressed and uptight before your events but it doesn't seem to happen no matter what I do.  The pressure to make everything as perfect as it can be for you is too much.  The thought that an event will be over and not have succeeded is unthinkable to me.  I failed you in so many ways and these events we do for you are the only way I can try to tell you how sorry I am for not living up to my responsibilities to you.  Even that is nothing compared to how sorry I am, the events don't even come close to letting you know how much I regret what I failed to do for you.  But it is all I have.  The Tinker Ball is over, but there is still all the post Ball stuff to do now.  However, that will all have to wait until after the Cruise Against Cancer is over.  TJ and I are scrambling to get everything ready, we only have tomorrow and that it.  By tomorrow night, whatever we forgot or didn't get done will have to be let go.  As always, the weather is a concern, but by the looks of the weather report, you have taken care of that.  It should be sunny and hot, very hot I hear.  We can make it with the hot weather but rain would cancel the event, so the hot temperatures are much better.  Thank you, My Jaacquie, for handling that part of the plans.  Now, if you could just put a little bug in all the car owner's ears and make sure they show up, that would be great!   We are lucky this year because so many new people have volunteered to come to help, plus many of the people from the past CAC shows will be there again.  Having past volunteers there takes some of the pressure off me because I know they know what they're doing and I don't have to worry about so much.  You really have some incredible family members and friends Jacquie.  They will give up a summer Saturday for you and to help your foundation.  We are so very grateful to all of them.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you so very much.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with each beat of my heart and every breath I take.  And I WILL love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I look for you in all I do and I wait for you to give me a "Tink Wink" to let me know you are near.  Please stay with me, don't leave me because after all this time, I still can't make it without you.  People who tell me that time will heal the pain are wrong- so very wrong.  I wish they would leave me alone and try to understand that the hole it my heart will never be filled.  Our empty chair will always remain so.  And you will NEVER be forgotten-  I won't let that happen.  I love you, My Daughter, Love- your mom forever
 

July 31st, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I miss you and I am tired.  I love you, mom
 

July 28th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  Oh Jacquie- did you see it?  You were there, I know you had to be there with us.  The Tinker Ball, it was so wonderful.  I can only hope that everyone there thought it was as wonderful as I did.  Everyone who worked so hard to make it happen should be so proud of how it turned out.  It was amazing!  It was so special.  It was all it should be, for you.  The people at Sean Patrick's, once again, did an incredible job for you.  They couldn't have done anymore, it was all so "Jacquie".  We had many new people there this year and I hope they all left thinking to themselves "I can't wait to go back to next year's Ball".  The hostesses, they looked so pretty and did such a great job helping to make the evening a success.  The decorations, done by Shelly's, Bree and Aunt Sheryl were spectacular.  The program, by Aunt Christine and Mindy was the best ever.  Val and Kim did so much work on their baskets, people had a hard time deciding which ones to put their tickets in.  Dad and Aunt Sheryl had so many more silent auction items and we did well all of them.  The video presentation was incredible.  Danielle and TJ did an amazing job showing everyone there where the Foundation has been and we were are planning for it to go.  So many more people to say thank you to the list seems endless.  I will start writing thank yous as soon as the Cruise Against Cancer is over this coming up weekend.  I wish I could personally thank everyone to helped us and everyone who attended.  I wish I could let them know how much it means to us to have them following your dream.  But as always is and always will be, I wish you were here with us.
My Sweet Girl, I miss you and I love you.  I love you more today than yesterday but not as much as I will love you tomorrow.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul, with each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  I will love you forever.  Love, your mom
 

July 25th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  two more days until the Tinker Ball.  We are working hard for you and we all hope you are very proud of this event.  We are doing some new things this year that we hope will make the evening even better, and more enjoyable for all the guests.  I know that you are aware of how much I miss you, but I miss you even more when we are planning an event to honor you and you aren't there with us.  The next couple days will be hectic and you know me, I will be stressed past my breaking point worrying about everything.  So if you can, will you let me know you are with me,  I could use a lot of "Tink Winks" to get me through this.  We really are trying Jacquie, to make you proud and it is so very important that you know everything we do is for you.  I love you, your mom forever
 

July 22nd, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Jes sent me this and I needed you to see it:
 
               "When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry,
                 Show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile".
 
The quote was with a picture of TinkerBell, and I am sure that "Tink" sent it to me from you because you know how I have been feeling lately.  I know you know what I am talking about and that there isn't anything you can do to change things, so this is your way of sending me some hope.  Thank you, Sweetheart.  I will try to remember those words in the next few weeks.
My Jacquie, day 1415.  Yesterday. Forever.  Time is all the same.  Jacquie, please continue to watch over all our friends who are struggling and fighting their own battles with cancer.  It's so sad that there are too many to name them all.  I am afraid I would forget someone.  I wish everyday for you to come to see me, to whisper "mom" in my ear, or to brush your hand over my skin.  I have been waiting but it has been such a long time, honey, and I really need you now.  So if you can, PLEASE come to me.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with each beat of my heart and every breath I take.  I love you and I will be with you again.  Love, mom
 

July 18th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, today I needed to go back to our past.  I've been feeling so out of sorts and I think I needed to remember better days- times when we were optimistic and we really did "Believe".  I called Kathy and Owen.  I know you remember them, just as I know that you are watching over Greg as he continues to fight the battle you both fought together.  Actually, I've been thinking of the 8 of us a lot lately, Helen and Ian, Kathy and Greg too.  I have thought many times of calling them to see how they are doing.  We bonded instantly when we all met at Hope Lodge, we were all dealing with the same disease- leukemia.  We all had the same worries and fears and being part of that "club" was certainly not wanted, but I don't know what we would have done without each other.  I think somedays we only made it through because we had the support of those who were living the same nightmare.  I am sure Helen and her family are still mourning Ian and that she, like me, deals with the "what ifs" and the guilt everyday.  The last time we talked, it was as though I was hearing myself thinking the same thoughts.  Greg and Owen continue to live with the ups and downs that are expected after  bone marrow transplants.  Each day is a question and every night there are still no answers, no guarentees.  Owen  had a bad setback but is now starting to heal.  Talking to Kathy, I felt guilty because she has had such a rough time the past 4 years, and I was jealous of her.  I wished I was still taking care of you and dealing with the same uncertainties that she and Kathy live with each day.  It sounds so terrible to say, but I she is so blessed to still be fighting that battle with Owen.  I wanted so badly to live the rest of my life dealing with your recovery and survival.  I don't know what I did wrong to be denied that chance to fight for your life.  I know that I am a coward when I don't call or keep in touch with them, but I am so afraid of what I will hear.  I was great to talk with Kathy, however, and I promised myself that after the Tinker Ball, I will call Greg and Laura.  I need to let them know that they have been in my thoughts and my prayers every single day since we said goodbye to them in New York City.  They are family and I have not been good to them.  I am so sorry.
My Sweet, Beautiful Daughter, I miss you and I love you.  I love you so very much and I am so sorry.  I will love you forever. Love, mom
 

July 16th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I had a rough day today so I decided to read your "Believe" book.  Actually, it's not really one of your books but a book we found on a website.  I like it a lot so I bought some for the foundation to put in our baskets and to give as gifts for people like you who are dealing with cancers.  "Anywho", (to use your familiar expression), I was reading through it again for the millionth time and a particular quote grabbed my attention.  The quote is "When you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this: you haven't."  This is from Thomas Edison.  I guess it caught my eye because lately I have been riding a wave of emotions, they seem to change by the minute.  We have so much going on right now, so many events coming up that all I can think of is what else can we do to make sure we succeed.  I feel that most of the time we are doing all we can with the limited number of people we have to help us.  As I've said before, we aren't national foundation with unlimited resources and famous actors, actresses or athletes to promote our foundation.  We have to work hard for every dollar we bring in.  And we do have many people who help us, I am in no way complaining about that.  For sure, we wouldn't be where we are without all the family and friends who have helped us achieve what we have.  But I so often wonder what else we can do.  And sometimes I feel we have hit the wall and have done as much as we can.  And then something happens and we find ourselves with more options and possibilities to  do more. I am not always sure how those things find their way to us, and I guess it really doesn't matter how- just that it does.  The Ride for Roswell and the Golf Tournament for the Mt. Marcy Climb were more successful than we could have hoped for.  The Ball is almost sold our and we have been recieving wonderful basket and silent auction items.  We have even recieved some monetary donations.  So I guess what I am trying to say is I have to keep trying to believe that there is always, always, always a way to make it work.
My Sweet Little Girl, I miss you.  I miss you so very much.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I love you the sun, the moon and all the stars in the sky.  I love you rainbows and raindrops.  I love you sunshine and shadows.  I love you.  We are still 4 and we always will be.  Your chair will never be filled but your life will never be forgotten.  Stay with me, be my strength and courage.  And when I want to give up, be the push I need to keep going.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever
 

July 13th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, WE DID IT, WE DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We not only reached our Ride For Roswell goal but but we passed it!  Right now we are at $20,007.  Our goal was $20,000.  Once again, your family and friends have outdone themselves for your memory and in your honor.  I was so worried, we were so far behind for such a long time.  And now- just look at us!!   The Jacquie Hirsch For ALL Foundation is AWESOME!  WE ARE GREAT!  We did not disappoint you or your memory.  Everyone will keep being reminded of you and your life.  Everyone will remember the beautiful blond woman with the dazzling smile and the incredible personality.  They will remember your strength, your courage and your determination.  And they will remember your dream.
My Sweetheart, I miss you.  I went to visit Billy again today and I know you were both there with me.  I miss your laugh and your smile and I miss holding you tight.  I am waiting to hold you again, but until then, I am holding you so very tightly in my heart.  I will never let you go.  I will be with you again.  Love forever and ever, mom
 

July 9th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Why?  Why are you gone?  Today was so hard.  It was Sandra's baby shower and Rylie's first birthday party.  I tried, Jacquie, I really did.  I went to Sandra's and was planning on stopping in.  I knew I wouldn't be able to do the whole party, but I really thought enough time had passed that I could be at a baby shower and not fall apart.  I was wrong.  I cried all the way there and then couldn't even go into the house.  Driving up the driveway I saw the garage with all the balloons and streamers and decorations and I lost it. I am disappointed in myself and am wondering when will I be strong enough to celebrate with others, the events that I will never celebrate with you.  Dad went to Rylie's and I am sorry that I couldn't go.  I am so sorry Jacquie.  You have to know how much it means to me, to us, to still be asked to celebrate the special events in your freinds lives.  It means everything to be part of their lives still, and to know that you are remembered through those invitations we recieve.  I can't explain it in words, but being included somehow tells me that you are missed at these special events and your friends wish you were here with them.   I don't know if that makes sense to you, but there it is.  I do promise to keep trying and to go to whatever I can.  I hope your friends don't give up on me.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I  love you with all my heart and all my soul.  You are every beat of my heart and each breath I take.  When  the sun shines, I know you sent I to me, and when it rains, they are your tears that you need me to dry for you.  I am here for you, My Jacquie, now and forever.  I will never leave you and I will never be able to fix my broken heart.  Our table still has and empty chair, but we will always be The 4 Hirschs.  It has been 1402 days, forever and a lifetime since I held you.  I will hold you again, and then I will never let you go.  Love, your mom forever

July 6th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  I just want to update you on the Ride For Roswell.  As always, The Jacquie Hirsch For ALL Foundation's "Team In Green" is still working hard to meet it's goal of $20,000.  Many of the riders are still continuing to raise funds and get donations.  The day of the ride we were only a little more than halfway to our goal.  Today we are more than halfway there.  You know me, I worry constantly about disappointing you and failing in our quest to make you proud of us.  The Ride this year got a late start in fundraising and I am not sure we will reach our goal, but you have to BELIEVE that we are trying really really hard.  We have until the end of August to keep fundraising so I will keep saving and counting change and finding ways to help meet our goal.  I promise. 
I love you, My Jacquie, Love- your mom forever
 

July 2nd, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, we are already into June.  I don't know where the time is going.  The days are speeding by and it seems as though each day has less hours in it.  In one respect, that is a great thing because then I am able to go home to you sooner.  The down side is that I can't seem to catch up on everything that needs to be done.  I am sure you are watching from above and wishing you could be here with us.  We all know, without a doubt, that if you were here things would be so much better.  I am sure you are looking at us and thinking of all the ways we could do better.  I wish you were here to tell us.  We could really use your guidence and intelligence.  We miss you in so very many ways.
MySweet Sweet Daughter,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  I am looking for you in every sunrise and sunset.  In every raindrop and every sunbeam.  You are the rainbows in my life and the songs in my heart.  I love you, mom
 

June 30th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, today was the last day of classes for the school year.  Summer classes start on Monday.  I am glad classes are ove for a while.  I am done.  I am spent and I need some time to find where I am and where I am going.  I need time to find what to do.  I need you.
We are going to see Rascal Flatts tonight at Darien Lake.  It will be the first concert that I have gone to there without you.  I am sorry I said I would go.  I will miss you.  I will miss watching you dance and sing and laugh.  I will miss dancing with you and knowing that I am not a good dancer but you dance with me anyway.  I will miss the pictures of the 4 of us, together and strong.  I will miss you. But if they play "Stand" I will  sing loudly for you.  And if they play "I Won't Let Go"  I will let everyone hear my terrible voice lifted in song for you.  I love you, My Jacquie.
Love, your mom forever
 

June 28th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, somedays, I talk to you and usually I know you are listening to me.  I have been talking to you a lot lately, but sometimes I can't feel you with me.  Maybe it's because I have been overloading you with my talk, maybe I am too needy.  Maybe it's just more than you can handle.  Maybe you are tired of listening to me.  I just don't know.  I wish I did.  Things are not getting better, no matter how hard we try.  I know we are putting the time and work in, but the results are just not there.  When I talk to you, I want to know if you can think of other ways to fix what's wrong.  Maybe you can see what we aren't, and because of that, we can't make it right.  When you were here with us, we could always talk and bounce ideas around.  We could talk about possible  solutions and come up with a plan.  Without you, we are missing your ideas and your open mind.  We are missing your creativity and your ability to see things we couldn't.  We are missing you.  I am not sure, but I really think I am just about done.  I can't see ahead, only behind.  Because behind was so much better than this.  What do I do?
My Sweet Sweet Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you so very very much.  The upcoming graduations, baby showers, wedding showers, weddings, birthdays and never-ending celebrations continue to be in our lives.  We do what we can, your dad is so much better at this than I am.  I really am a disappointment to myself when it comes to being at these events.  I try, but I fail- again and again.  Never forget, however, that I love you.  That I love you more today than yesterday but not as much as I will love you tomorrow.  That I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  That I love you with every beat of my heart and each breath I take.  And that I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom forever
 

June 24th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Yesterday was the Ride For Roswell.  Did you see us?  Did you see all the the "Jacquie's Team In Green" t-shirts?  Do you like the new design on the shirts?  I hope so.  We wanted to do something a little different but still keep the shirt familiar to everyone who knows "Jacquie Hirsch".  Our fundraising picked up the last few days and we did manage to raise more than last year by the start of the Ride yesterday.  We have until the end of August to keep raising money so we'll keep going.  We have to reach $250,000 for you research fund so we still have a way to go.  I promise you, My Jacquie, we WILL have a new plaque on the the wall at Roswell before the end of the year. Thank you so very much to all the Riders and all the people who donated their money and time to make Jacquie's team one of the top teams again this year.  Jacquie, you have the best family and friends anyone could ever ask for.  They will never let you down.
The basket raffel at the gym was another success, a huge thank you going to Bree for all the incredible baskets she made for the event.  She works so hard for you and I have told her so many times how proud you are of her and how proud you are to be her grandaughter.  She worries so much about how they will look and if people will like them, but I tell her not to worry, everything is always wonderful.  Maybe you could send her a "Tink Wink" to let her know you thought she did a great job.  We will all keep working for you and your dream, we won't let you down.
My Jacquie,  I love you and I miss you and I am waiting to be with you again.  Stay by my side, give me strength when I falter and never forget how much I love you.  Love, mom
 
 

June 21st, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  Please stay with me and show me how to get through these days.  They are so very hard.  Love, mom
 

June 17th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I know you would have wanted to be here today to be with dad for Father's Day.  I know how much dad wishes you were here with him.  Days like today don't mean the same anymore and as time goes on, I don't imagine that will change much.  TJ is out of town for the whole weekend so I guess we will all get together when he gets home.  To all the great dads out there, remember how much your children love you and how many memories you can make with your children, your gifts from heaven.  Time is short, it goes by so very fast and once it is gone, you can't get it back.  There are no do-overs.  Teach your children to enjoy life and to be grateful for what they have.  Teach them to be respectful to others and to take responsibility for the things they do and say.  Show them how to be good people and let them know that they are our future.  BELIEVE in them and teach them to BELIEVE in themselves.  Let them know you love them and are proud of them.  There are no greater gifts we as parents are given.  Our children are the best parts of us and we must treasure them, nurture them and love them to the best of our ability.  We have to show them how to be happy and love the life they have been given.
My Jacquie, today is day 1380.  Yes, the numbers are still in my mind and my heart.  I feel the time has gone by so slowly because it's been forever since I held you.  How many more days until I hold you again?
I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  I love you the sun and the moon and the stars.  I love you the tears in my eyes and the empty place in my heart.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, mom

June 15th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Tomorrow starts the year end shows at the gym.  I wish you were going to be there with us.  It is where you should be, where you belong.  You are so missed all the time but it is not just us that miss you.  You are missed by so many.  You are missed by people who never met you.  And, I BELIEVE that you are missed by the children you never had the chance to teach.  I BELIEVE those children will be missing someting very important in their lives because they didn't have the opportunity to meet you or to be taught by you.  Some days are so lonely that I would give anything, do anything to be with you again.  The raffel, the Ride and all the other events coming up are more overwhelming this than ever before.  The feeling of not succeeding in these events is all that I can feel.  Whatever we are doing is not enough, not nearly enough to make up for your dream.  What else can we do?  What can I do?  I just want to sleep.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  With all that I am and all that I ever wanted to be.  I have tried, but it isn't working.  It's not enough.  I love you.  Love, mom
 

June 12th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Long day, longer without you.  Wishing I was with you.  Wishing I didn't have to be here.  Wishing you could talk to me.  Wishing I could hold you.  I miss you, I love you and I hate it here without you.  Love you forever, Mom
 

June 8th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  I wanted to write to you last night but I was too tired.  I should have stayed up because now I can't remember what I wanted to tell you.  That seems to happen a lot lately.  If I don't write it down right away, I forget what it was I needed to remember.  I think it's because I have so much on my mind that everything just gets jumbled up.  This time of year has so much going on.  Tomorrow night is the Mt. Marcy fundraiser at Dwyers.  All 14 of the climbers will be there and will hopefully raise more towards their goals.  I hope a lot of people come because, as always, a lot of people have put a great deal of time and work into preparing for it and it would be great if it was successful.  All the events are coming up so fast, I don't know how we are going to ready for all of them.  Please Jacquie, help me find a way to do right by you.  Help me find a way to get more people to your events, more people who proudly wear your purple bracelet.  More people who realize that everyday too many more people are told "You have cancer".  Again today, we found our a very special lady was told those words.  It's too much.  Too many.  I'm so tired of wondering who is next.  We have to find a cure soon.  We have to work harder.  We just have to.
My Jacquie, I BELIEVE in you and your dream.  I BELIEVE we are working towards making your dream come true.  But I also BELIEVE we need more help.  If you can, give more people one of your "Tink Winks".  Remind them that our work has only begun, that there is no stopping for rest.  We must keep going, people we know and love, and many we have never met are counting on us to help.  The ache of your being gone is still present and very deep.  We are trying Jacquie, please BELIEVE me and in me.  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with every beat of my heart and with each breath that I take.  You BELIEVED enough to take a chance, I am so in awe of you.  Your strength and courage humble me every day of my life as I try to just get through each day.  The memories I have of your fight show me what a coward I am.  You are everything I want to be.  I love you, Mom

June 5th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Thinking of you again this morning as soon as I woke up.  Thinking of what the day will hold for me.  Thinking of how different my day woud be if you were still here with us.  Thinking that I wish I could just scream and scream and scream.  I know you wer given to us for a reason, although I don't know what that reason was.  I also know that you were taken from us for a reason, again, I don't know why.  I do believe that you were always meant to do big things, and you did.  I believe your life was worth more in the short time you were with us than many people's lives are worth in their whole lifetime.  I believe that you were willing to let others lead small lives, you knew you were meant for living a huge life.  I belive you learned to let others waste time arguing over small things, because you knew life was short and precious and you didn't have time to waste.  I believe you watched others cry over small hurts and knew inside yourself that some hurts were so big that crying would not make them go away.  I  BELIEVE deep in my heart, that you were able to see others leave their future in someone else's hands, and know that even though you had no choice, you would not leave the way you left us up to anyone else.  I BELIEVE you showed us all how to say goodbye in the most noble of ways.
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  May you always feel my love, may you always feel my arms around you and my you always know that I will be your mom and you will be my daughter, forever.  Love, your mom
 

June 1st, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Another month, another day, another hour without you.  Again, I am remembering the Junes of the past and  all the memories and milestones that came with the month.  Birthdays, weddings, new babies, graduations, celebrations and more.  This year is no exception, still all those events crowd the month, all those celebrations will be held.  I wish you were here. Day 1364 and still missing you so very much.  I hope you know that your family and friends miss you too.  Your memorium in the paper on your birthday was beautiful, I hope you like it.  I read you all the cards and emails and texts that were sent on your birthday so that you would know how much you are missed.  It is still so hard to be without you on your birthday, but someday we will be celebrating it together again.
Jacquie, please say a prayer for Dr. Rusin.  He really needs your help now.  Give him strength and courage to face what is ahead of him and find a way to let him know that you will be by his side the way he way by yours during your fight.  It is very hard to accept his diagnosis, just as it was hard to accept yours.  I guess that will always be.  He is a very special person and has always been a wonderful part of your and TJ's life.  Now we need to be there for him. 
My Jacquie, today I stayed in bed too long and got behind on my "to do" list.  I am really trying to keep up with everything, but between the gym, the Ride For Roswell, The Tinker Ball, the Cruise Against Cancer, Mt Marcy Climb, and gym basket raffel, I think I'm losing it sometimes.  This is our busiest time of the year and we are all working very hard to make everything come together so you will be proud of us.  The Ride registration is not going well and I am afraid that this year will not be successful for us.  I don't know what to do. 
I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I ever will be.  You are every breath I take and each beat of my heart. You are my sunshine.  I hold on to you so tightly and in my mind I can feel your soft skin and silkly hair.  I can smell you Dolce and Gabana lotion and I can hear your laughter.  I can see your smile and I know you are next to me.  Please don't leave me ever.  I am waiting to be with you again.  I love you, your mom forever
 

May30th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Happy Happy Birthday My Sweet Daughter!!!!!  I know it is the custom for the birthday girl to make the wishes but I have some wishes today as well.  They are the same wishes I have for you on every birthday since you were taken from us- I wish you were here.  I wish, as always, I was baking your strawberry cupcakes with strawberry frosting.  I wish we were going shopping so you could pick out your birthday presents, the clothes you love to shop for.  The wishes are the same, and so it the hurt and the saddness and emptiness. I found a number of birthday cards that I wanted to give you.  The one below seemed extra special so I want  to share it.  I speaks my heart to you and explains some of the things I love about you.
 
     I love the spirit of you...the grace with which you welcome each challenge,the childlike wonder that still colors your days.
     I love the originality of you...your willingness to stand out from the crowd...your unique perspective on what's happening in the world and in your life.
     I love the wisdom of you...the way you trust your intuition...your unfailing commitment to doing the right thing.
     And most of all, I love the heart of you...the genuine compassion, empathy, and friendship you offer everyone you know.
     I guess it's pretty clear...I love everything about you.
     And on your birthday, I'm wishing joy and blessings to you, my beautiful daughter and friend.
 
The day you were born, our world was complete.  The family circle you completed will never be undone. You were a very special gift to us, and we all have cherished every moment and evy memory we have shared.  You birth gave us all a reason to BELIEVE that families are made with love and joy and happiness.  You made our "4" .  We  are "The Hirschs", now and forever.
 
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you more today than yesterday but not as much as I will love you tomorrow.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  Happy Birthday, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever
            

May28th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Today I want to say thank you to all the men and women who have given their lives for us, for the United States of America.  All those who have fought for us and sacraficed.  All those who have left husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, sons and daughters and countless other family and friends, behind to go off and protect our freedoms.  I don't know that I BELIEVE in the was but I BELIEVE with all my heart that our servicemen and women desereve our enless support, encouragement and thanks.  We don't have to support the war to support those who are fighting it.  We just have to let them know how much we appreciate what they have done and are doing for us.  To BIlly, and Jonathon, and Michael and all the thousands other who have died for us, we give you our hearts and our love and the promise that what you have done, will never be forgotten and what you have died for, we will fight to preserve.
My Jacquie, I love you and miss you with all my heart and soul.  As May 30th gets closer, I wish more than ever that you could be here for me to hold.  I WILL love you forever and I will FOREVER hold you in my heart as one of the most precious gifts I have ever been given.  The sun may shine today, but there is no sun that will ever shine brighter than you do.  I love you, your mom
 

May24th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Today I will get up and get moving.  Today I will accomplish more on my To-Do" list.  Today I will not let you down.  Today I will make you proud of me.  Today I will need you by my side. And today, I will love you more than yesterday, but not even close to how much I will love you tomorrow.  Love, your mom
 

May21st, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Well, Sweetheart today is a very special day for you and for all of us.  Danielle, Matt and Olivia had their new baby early this morning.  She was born at 5:26 am.  She is healthy and beautiful.  And her name is Molly Jacqueline.  And I cried when Aunt Sheryl told me.  Actually, Olivia called to tell me but I thought she was telling me that her new baby sister's name was Marie Katherine, I couldn't understand her too well.  Then Aunt Sheryl got on the phone and told me.  I was speechless.  I never even imagined that they would do that for you.  It is such and incredible honor for them to gift their new daughter with your name.  I am not sure why they decided to, but it overwhelms me that they did.  I guess their love for you will live on now in Molly.  I hope they realize how much this gift means to us,  I want them to know that you are so honored as well.  I wish you were here to see her and hold her, like you did when Olivia was born.  I wish Molly Jacqueline would have been able to know the very special person she has been named after.  I wish I could have seen your face when you heard that she would carrry your name.  I wish.  I wish.  I wish.
My Jacquie,  it has been an emotional day.  The new baby has brought joy and happiness to us all.  For me, Molly Jacqueline is a reminder that you are still here with us, but will never experience the joy of giving birth and bringing a new life into the world.  I am grateful to Matt and Danielle for making that reminder less painful and sad.  Through Molly Jacqueline, you will continue to bring joy and happiness to us and teach us our lessons.  We will not replace you with her, we will have you live on with her. I miss you so much and I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I will love you with all my heart and all my soul.  All that I am and all that I will ever be.  Please come to see me again, please make my dreams at night be filled with your smile and your laughter.  Please don't leave me.  Love, your mom- always and forever
 

May17th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Feeling lost and overwhelmed today so I just want you to know that I love you.  Some days it's just too much to deal with and I just feel like giving up.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever.
 

May15th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I really do't know what it is like in heaven.  I wonder all the time.  Do you have your blue velvet "Juicy" warmup on or are you in a long beautiful white gown with your angel wings.  Is you hair straight or curly.  Do you have bare feet or flip flops on.  Are your nails long or have you been biting them.  What is it like.  And I wonder, do you have a certain amount of wishes that you can help make possible?  Are you able to give us a little help down here when we need it?  If you are, then could you please try to help the reserchers find a cure for cancer.  It is so hard to keep hearing the devasting stories about lives ripped apart and lives ended because cancer is winning.  Sometimes I feel that no matter how hard we work or how much money we raise to go towards finding a cure, it won't be enough.  I won't happen soon enough.  I get so sad each time I hear of another life ended because of cancer.  When will it be enough?   I know I ask you to help me, I ask a lot.  I ask for you to help keep me strong and moving forward. I ask you to get me out of bed on the mornings I just want to stay under the covers and cry.  I ask you to stay by my side and not leave me alone.  I ask you to find a way to let me know you are near me.  And I am selfish for asking for these things from you.  I should be asking for you to help all the others who are fighting the way you did.  I should be asking for you to help them find the strength and courage to keep fighting even when they don't think there is any fight left in them.  I should be asking you to find a way to go them and let them know you are by their side, fighting with them.  I know what I should be doing, and I want ot do that too.  But the coward in me won't let me let go of you.  So My Jacquie, use your wishes to help others, but just don't leave me alone.  Please try to send some Tink dust to Rick, he really needs to have the transplant and he could use some of your magic now.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you- now and forever.  Love, your mom forever
 

May13th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Today is Mother's Day.  I wish you were here.  I wish you were here so I could tell you in person just how much being a mother means to me.  I know I tell you and TJ all the time how much you mean to me, and I try to show you what a gift being your mom is, but I wish you were HERE.  You gave us many wonderful friends and so many of them texted me or sent cards to say Happy Mother's Day.  You can't begin to know how those gestures make me feel- knowing that your friends remember me through you.  I know they must realize how much I miss you and how hard the day would be without you here.  They are so kind to take the time to "fill in" for you.  I bet you never knew when you made all these incredible friends, that someday they would carry us through our grief.  You did great Jacquie, really great.  All the cards and texts made me cry, they were filled with words of comfort and love.  One in particular seemed to be a combination of everyone's feelings and thoughts so I want to send it to you and to anyone else who reads this. It was written by Barbara Cage.
    
     I wish I could make sure you always had the best- like laughter, rainbows, butterflies, and health.
     I wish I could take you anywhere you wanted to go and treat you to waterfalls, rivers, forests, and mountaintops.
     I wish I could make it possible for you to do anything you ever dreamed of, even if just for a day.
     I wish I could keep you from ever being hurt or sad, and that all your troubles and problems would disappear.
     I wish that I could package up all the memories that bring smiles to you and have them handy for your immediate enjoyment.
     I wish I could guarentee you peace of mind, contentment, faith, and strength, as well as the constant ability to find joy in all the
          things that sometimes go unnoticed.
     I wish you moments to connect with other individuals who are full of smiles and hugs to give away and stories and laughter to
          share.
     I wish you could always know how much you mean to me- because no matter what's going on in our lives, you are loved and
          appreciated.
 
"I wish".  The story of my life now.  But with all my wishes, I need to include my wish for my mom.  May you never forget that whoever I am today, the best parts of me are because of you.  And the mom I am to my children, I learned from you.  You gave me the tools I needed to do the best I could for Jacquie and TJ.  And I think we did pretty well.  Thank you, mom, for showing me that the most important job in the world, is being a good parent to your children.  Happy Mother's Day mom.  And Happy Mother's Day to all the other moms of Jacquie's and TJ's friends, who have raised their children to be the wonderful adults that continue to show us that they have not forgotten Jacquie and that they are still her friends.  Who show us all that the future is brighter because of the people they are.  Happy Mother's Day.
To My Sweet Daughter, I miss you and I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I will love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I will love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  Thank you for being My Daughter, My Jacquie, My Jax, My Tink.  I love you, your mom forever.
 

May 9th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I woke up this morning and realized that once again, I didn't want to wake up and face the day.  I have had such a hard time trying to rmember what you taught us about "Believing".  I say it all the time.   I tell the gymnasts to "Believe" in themselves and what they are capable of achieving.  I tell others to "Believe" that although life isn't fair, we have to "Believe" that they will find a way to make it through whatever terrrible things are thrown at them.  I say the word to myself in the hopes that it will get me through the hardest days.  But this morning I realized that my heart is having a hard time "Believing" because bad things just keep on happening.  It is so difficult to keep hearing about more cancer diagnois and more death.  It is soooooooooo unfair.  And as I comtmplated whether to get up or just lie there and cry, I remembered the book that Jim gave us for Christmas.  So I went to get it, thinking that maybe the words would help me.  Here is some of what I read:
"Believe that opportunity is everywhere and all around you".  It is.  Everywhere we go, everything we do is an opportunity to share your story and spread the word about your foundation. This is what I am meant to do now.  This is my mission- Your Dream.  I have to remember that.
"Believe that the universe is friendly and life is on your side".  Sorry Jax, this isn't going to happen now, or anytime in the near futrue, if the way things have been going is any indication of what is ahead.  I once "Believed" that this quote was true, but no more. I really don't think much of the universe right now, or whoever is running it. 
"Believe you are a once-in-all history event".  I do ""Believe" this because this is YOU. There is no doubt in my mind that YOU were sent here for us, as a gift that would complete our lives.  You are our past, present and future. You are a once in a forever event that will never be repeated.  No one else will ever be give the gift of you.
there are many more "Believes" in the book, but for today, I think I can remember these and get through the day until I can come home to you tonight.  If only you were here.  I wish....
My Siling, laughing wonderful Jacquie-  I miss you and I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that. I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with each beat of my heart and every breath I take.  You are the sun that is shinning now and the rainbow I saw in the sky yesterday.  You make me find the strenght and courage to face the days, even when I don't want to.  I love you, My BFF and I am waiting to be with you again.  Please don't leave me.  Love, your mom forever
 

May 5th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  I know if you were here, you would be out right now, with your friends.  You and they would be celebrating Cinco de Mayo.  You would be having a great time and making new memories.  You would be sharing smiles and laughter.  You would have told me "mom, don't worry- I'll be careful".  And, I, being a mom, would worry anyway.  But, you aren't here and you aren't making anymore new memories.  You are smiling and laughing with your friends.  You haven't spoken to me in forever.  I miss your voice and sometimes I want to hear it so badly I pretend that you are talking to me and I answer you back.  Silly, I know, but I'm desparate to hear you; again.  So, I pretend. 
Tonight, I went to the Wilson's and I helped them write thank you cards to all the hundreds of people who came to say goodbye to Billy.  I remember writing all your thank you notes.  Bree and the girls came over to help.  I don't know what I would have done without them.  I think I would still be writing them.  I remember trying to put into words how I felt and how grateful we were to everyone for coming to see you.  And as I signed the cards for Bill, Kim, Jeremy and Wesley, I couldn't help but wonder again- who's plan was this and it sucked too.
My Sweet Daughter, I miss you and I love you so very much.  I try to stay on track but I think tomorrow I will give in to my saddness and just stay home with you all day.  Dad is out of town again, and you and I will just be together.  I'll see if one of your favorite movies are on- maybe "Overboard" or "Ferris Beuller's Day Off'.  It really doesn't matter, just as long as we can watch it together.  I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you the sun and the moon and the starts.  And I love you my life.  Love, your mom
 

May 2nd, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, a new month.  May.  It's supposed to mean a new start.  Spring.  Flowers.  New baby animals and birds.  Green grass.  Summer coming.  Your birthday.  Again, without you.  I wish it was June alreay.
I love you My Jacquie,  mom
 

April 30th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, some days, I just want to stop the world and get off.  Some days, I know that no matter how hard I try, I am not going to be able to stay on track.  Some days, I give up.  Today was one of those days.  I don't always know what the thing or things are that set me off, but I always know that once I feel this way, I'm better off just being home with you.  So much is happening right now, with people I love and care about.  I wish I could help them more, but I can't and I feel so helpless- again.  It is hard to stand back and watch someone struggle through difficult times and not be able to make it "all better".  And I remember that feeling all too well.  When you were sick.  When you were suffering.  When your body couldn't fight anymore.  Helpless.  Useless.  Inept.  Crying and getting nowhere.  I suppose that this is another example of our "new normal", having to stand by and watch, and not being able to change the outcome.  I am so tired of this.  I am saddened that our lives will be this way,  probably for the rest of our lives.  I  would really like to know what the "plan" is and who decided it would be this way.  Because I don't think it's a very good plan- I think it sucks!!  Sorry about the word, but right now, it is the only words that I can print that fits.  I am really tired of trying to get through every day.  When does it end?
My Jacquie, you can't begin to know how much I miss you and how much I wish I was with you.  The days are long between waking up and being able to lay down at night.  I dream, but you haven't visited me in a while.  I miss you.  I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul, with all that I am and all that I ever will be.  I look for you, I listen for you.  I am waiting for you.  Please Please come to me.  I need your strength and your courage- mine is all gone.  I love you, your mom forever
 

April 26th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I want to share a quote that Sara sent me.  I think it says all the needs to be said.
 
                              " Tears are words from our heart that cannot be spoken"
 
My Jacquie, I love you and miss you. It has been 1328 days since I last held you and spoke to you.  So long since I brushed my hands over your bald head and told you that you shouldn't worry- your hair would grow back to be just as beautiful as it was.  Too long since I rubbed lotion on your skin and reminded you that the scars from all your procedures would someday fade away.  Forever since I sang to you only to hear you laugh and tell me to stop because I sing so badly.  I miss you.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  With all that I am and all that I will ever be.  I am waiting, trying to be patient.  I am waiting for a sign  from you that you are still close and still with me.  The last month has been so hard and I know you see me struggling sometimes, just to make myself get out of be.  Please keep me going, I don't want to disappoint you.  I have to make you proud of me.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever
 

April 23rd, 2012 - Dear TJ, Happy Birthday to the very best "Big Brother" that any sister could ever have.  I wish I was there with you to give you a hug and a kiss and yell "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" so loud to you.  I wish for so many things.  Most of all I wish I could tell you how very much I love you and how much I miss you.  I know that you think you know how much, but you don't.  You can't begin to imagine how lucky I feel to have you as my brother.  How wonderful it is to know that so much of your time and energy is spent keeping my dream alive.  How grateful I am to see all you are doing to make sure that people don't forget me.  I don't think you can ever really know how much I love you, because evern I don't know, the measure is so great.  Just never forget all the wonderful times we spent together and all the incredible memories we made.  Remember all the birthdays we did celebrate together and the fun we had.  Remind yourself that the reason I have no regrets about how I lived my life, is because YOU made my life so amazing.  YOU gave me a life that any sister would envy.  YOU are MY BIG BROTHER, now and forever,  I love you TJ, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your sister Jax
 

April 21st, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  TJ's 30th birthday surprise party was last night.  Although I don't have to tell you because I know you must have been there.  You would never not be at TJ's birthday party in some way.  And I know you were there because you know I would need you there.  You were there to see the surprise on his face when he walked into the resturant and saw about 75 of his family and friends there to celebrate with him. He really was SO surprised which was amazing considering how many people knew about it.  We  wondered if it would leak out, but it didn't and it was so fun to see the look on his face when he realized what was going on.  Did you watch him go around to everyone and say hello and thank them for coming?  Did you see him blow out the candles on his cake?  Did you see him when he noticed the Tinker Bell balloon from you, among all the other Happy Birthday balloons?  Did you see him look for you?   I did.  Thank you for being there with me, with all of us.  I wish you could have been WITH us.  I wish it had been you standing next to him as we sang happy birthday.  I wish you could have been the to help him blow out his candles and dip your finger into the frosting the way you always did.  I wish.
My Jacquie, each birthday, holiday, or "celebration" that comes along is never quite what it sould be.  We know it is because you are not "here" with us.  It will always be that way.  Your absence will always be felt at everything we do, everywhere we go.  You belong here, with us.  Not having you here leaves a hole that will NEVER be filled.  The future will continue to be filled with special times and "celebrations" but you not being here with us, will make them less than what they should have been.  We will always and forever miss you.  And I, your mom, will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  You may never know how much I miss you and love you, but I will tell you this, never has a mom loved her daughter more than I love you.  Love, your mom
 

April 20th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Last night I wished upon a star.  I always wonder where you are.  Are you close, are you far?  Please try to tell me how you are. 
Let
me know that you are well.  Find a way for me to tell,  that you are safe and out of pain.  That you are healthy once again.  
You probably see me as weak, when I can't find the words to speak.  The words that live inside my heart, that speak of the pain since we've been apart. 
But sometimes when I feel pain the most, I feel you close by me.  Trying to help me understand why this was meant to be.  
I try understand, to make you proud of me.  But life without you here with us, should never have to be.
 
My Sweet Jacquie, a poet I am not, but sometimes words come out of my heart by magic.  Most of the time I can't find the right words at the right time for anything.  So forgive my corny poem and just know that I miss you and I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I will love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I with love you with all that I am and all that I ever will be.  You are the sunshine that brightens my days and the moonbeams that light my nights.  I hope you and Biily are taking care of each other.  I am so very sorry, My Jacquie, so very sorry.  Love, your mom forever and forever your BFF
 

April 17th, 2012 - Dear Aunt Sheryl,  Happy Birthday!  I wish I was there to give you a huge hug and a kiss.  I wish I was there to wish you happy birthday and make a toast to you.  I wish I could celebrate YOU!   You have always loved me as if I were your 5th daughter.  You gave me love and friendship and support while I was growing up.  And when I got sick, you gave me more.  I know how much it hurt you to see me sick and I know how hard it was for you to say goodbye to me.  But I also know how hard you have worked to keep my memory and my dream alive.  You have put so much time and energy and effort, and mostly love, into my Foundation that I can't even begin to find the words to thank you.  You also need to know that mom loves you so much and I don't know what she would do without you.  Thank you for being there- for all of us, then and now.  Thank you for all the love you give everyone and all the thoughtful things you do.  Thank you for being my aunt.  I will love you forever.
Love, Jacquie
 

April14th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, these weeks have been endless for us.  I can only imagine how it has been for the Wilsons.  Time has stood still and yet it has flown by.  So many tears, so much sorrow.  But also so many wonderful memories to share and laugh over.  Wilsons are still in Germany,  They flew there to attend the memorial service for Billy at his base.  I am sure it will be hard for them, but also it will hopefully give them some comfort.  Comfort in knowing how much Billy is loved and respected, by the men who were his leaders and by the men he led.  The stories continue to arrrive from those who served with him about what an incredible man and soldier he is.  I know, I keep using past and present when I speak of him, but it is hard not to.  Just like with you, I pretend that you are still here and that I can speak about you in the present tense.  And just like with you, the stories and memories that people share give comfort and reassurance that you life made a difference in the lives of others.  And those people will not forget you.  Wilsons need to know that Billy's life was valued and important to all who shared it.  And they need to know that Billy died leaving many, many lives better than they would have been without him in it.  Just like you, My Jacquie, he made our world brighter and bigger.  Victor Hugo said "There is nothing like a dream to create the future".  I will continue to dream of what should have been and, but maybe it will help make the future beter than it would have been without the dreams.
My Daughter Jacquie,  I have been waiting all day to come home to you and now I am where I belong- with you.  I will fall asleep tonight thinking of you and dreaming of you.  I miss you and I love you so very very much.  I love you so much it hurts.  But I know that my love for you will go on forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I know that I will forever love you with all my heart and all my soul.  And I know, I BELIEVE, that you love me and miss me too.  And that somehow, someday, you will find a way to bring us together again, all 4 of us, the way it was meant to be.  Someday, the chair will no longer be empty.
 I love you, love-  your mom forever
 

April10th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, The followong came in a card from a dear friend and I want to share it with you.  It says "Remembering the person I have loved allows me to heal.  Healing does not mean I will forget.  Actually, it means I will remember.  Gently, I will move forward, never forgetting my past".
The words, I am sure, are true.  And maybe before the nightmare of these last couple weeks, I might have even BELIEVED them.  But not now.  Not again. 
My Sweet Girl, I miss you and love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  And I will love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, you mom forever.
 

April 6th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  Today, we said a final goodbye to Billy.  The whole day was beyond words.  The honor shown to Billy and his family was nothing short of amazing.  Too hard to put it all into words.  The newspaper articles, the news coverage, the voices of those who knew him, and the many who had never met him, speak for the man that Billy is.  It was humbling to be a part of this sad goodbye, but an honor as well.  Please, everyone, remember Billy and all our servicemen and women who had died for us.  The new garden stone we have for our garden speaks the truth- "Home of the free, because of the Brave".  Do not ever forget that we are Americans- first and always, and that our country, for all it's problems and difficulties, is the best country on earth to live in.  And if you don't agree, then leave.  Because the families and friends of everyone who has died to maintain that freedom, doesn't want to hear you telling them their loved one died for nothing. "America- Love it or Leave it"
My Dearest Jacquie, thank you.  Thank you for bringing Billy and all your incredible friends into our lives.  Thank you for giving us, your parents, the gifts of love and friendship from those who shared your life.  Thank you for teaaching us that friendship is forever and beyond.  Thank you for being there for Billy when he arrived in Heaven.
I miss you, I miss you so much.  I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I will love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I will love you with every beat of my heart and every breath I take.  Each day I miss you more and love you more, but I am also closer to being with you again.  I felt you with me today and I know you stood by our side as we said goodbye to Billy.  I stood because you stayed next to me.  I didn't fold because to gave me courage to be strong.  I found a way to try to be comforting to Kim, Bill, Jeremy and Wesley, because you were comforting me.  You are my strength and my rock and I know, as I have known since you were taken from us, that without you near me, I can't make it.  I am waiting to hold you and to touch your skin and your hair- to feel the softness under my fingers.  And when I do, I won't let go.  I love you Jacquie, love- your mom forever
 

April 3rd, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Today we brought Billy home for the last time.  I know you were watching from heaven and you were beside us too.  I know that because we wouldn't have been able to get through it without your courage and strength.  And I know that you are with us always, especially now.  Driving to the airport to wait for him to fly home was so sad.  We all kept saying "How could this happen to Billy?"  The Patriot Guard Motorcycle Riders followed behind us and there were so many of them. Hundreds.  Arriving at the airport we saw so many people there, waiting to bring home our hero.  And there were firetrucks and police and TV people and it looked just like what I have watched on TV so many times before, when other "fallen heros" have been brought home.  But this time was different, because it was Billy.  And the ceremony was short, and simple and sad.  As Billy's casket was taken from the plane the dark skies cleared for just a little while, but long enough to take some of the darkness of the day away.  When we left the airport and proceeded back to the funeral home, the most amazing sights met us.  So many people out in front of their homes and businesses, standing at attention holding American flags or their hands over their hearts.  People stopped their cars and got out to honor Billy and to say goodbye to him.  The stood for him to say thank you for what he died for- our freedom.  They stood for him and his family to let them all know he would not be forgotten.  There were hundreds and hundreds of American flags all along the route back to the funeral home, lined up like little soldiers, by the side of the road.  I couldn't help but feel so honored to be a part of Billy's life, to be part of this very incredible procession that would bring Billy back to all his family and friends so that we could say goodbye.  I know you were with us, and I know how proud you are of him and the sacrafice he made.  I wish he hadn't made that sacrafice for us.
My Sweet Jacquie, it is hard to write still, I can't seem to grasp what has happened, again.  I can't seem to feel, I am numb.  I think of you and I cry.  I think of Billy and I cry,  I think of all the lost lives for no reason and I cry.  I just cry.  I miss you.  I wish you were more here, right here next to me to hold.  I wouldn't let you go.  I love you.  I love you so much it hurts and the pain goes on and on.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul, with all that I am and all that I ever will be.  I can't make it without you so please please stay with me.  I want to hold you and kiss you again and tell you how much I love you.  I will, someday.  I will be with you again.  And I WILL NEVER let you go.  I love you, My Sweet Daughter, love, you mom forever
 

April 1st, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Such saddness, such grief.  Again.  Why?  Why is this happening?  What has brought this nightmare to all of us again?  How can Billy be gone?  How is it it possible?
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you.  Love, your mom forever.
 

March 29th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Billy arrived back on US soil today.  Kim, Bill, Jeremy and Wesley were there at Dover AFB to greet him.  It is not supposed to be this way.  Not for Billy and not for the thousands of other servicemen and women who have served and protected our country.  When will we learn?  When will we stop having to say goodbye to the best of the best?  When will it be enough?
My Dearest Daughter,  I talk to you all the time and I beg you for answers.  Now, more than ever, I want to know "Why"  And as always, I know you cannot tell me.  But if you could find a why to give some comfort to Billy's family, it would be good.  You know, like how sometimes you give us a sign that you are near and you love us.  Let them know you you are with them at this time and that you love them too.  Let Billy know that I am so sorry.  I don't know how to hold you, My Jacquie, but if you could try to imagine my arms around you and holding you tight, please do that.  Ands I will be imagining you holding me tight right back.  We are waiting for Billy to come home now, and hopefully it will be soon.  Until then, I will talk with you and cry with you and sing to you as I always do.  But now, the grief I feel is for Billy too.  And I will talk to him and let him know that we miss him and love him and will grieve for him.  I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  With all my heart and all my soul, I will love you.  I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as I will love you tomorrow.  Please find a way to be with me, I need you.  Love, your mom forever
 

March 27th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I don't know what to say to you.  I am so sorry.  I never thought that last night could ever happen.  I never believed that BIlly would not make it home to us.  I was foolish enough, once again, to think that if we all wished and hoped and prayed and BELIEVED, that Billy would be safe.  And someday soon, he would come home from the war, to live his life as it was meant to be.  I was wrong again.  I am so sorry for all his family and friends, for all who know him and the wonderful person that he always will be.  I never could have imagined the feeling of looking out our front door and seeing two military personel.  The pain was like hearing hearing your diagnosis all over again.   And if it hurt me so much, I can't even begin to understand how it felt for the Wilsons to have those men at their front door.   What do we do now?  How can we keep believing in anything?  You are not alone now, Billy is with you.  I don't know what else to say right now.
My Jacquie,  I miss you so much, I miss you more than ever.  I love you so much and I will always love you.  I will love you with all my heart and all my soul forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I love you with every breath I take and every beat of my heart.  The sun shines for you and the stars twinkle with your smile.  Take care of Billy and I know he will take care of you.  I will write again when I can find a way to speak my heart.  I love you Jacquie, love- mom
 

March 24th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I am missing you so much lately, sometimes I just want to scream with it.  Today, I worked on the Tinker Ball, and AGAIN, asked myself "why".  AGAIN, no answers.  I wish I were with you.  It is too hard down here without you.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  With all that I am and all I will ever be.  I WILL love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom
 

March 20th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  Yesterday your dad, TJ and I met with Kathleen.  She called us because she wanted to talk with us about an idea she has for increasing awareness for the need for more research on leukemia, and raising more money for that research.  She has a wonderful foundation called "Gotta Kiss Cancer Goodbye" that is doing amazing things.  As you know she is a "survivor" and is now dedicating her life to make sure that everyone becomes a "survivor".  Anyway, she has this idea to market hats, baseball caps actually, that have a story behind them.  The caps would have her "Kiss" ((lips) logo on them and a tag telling the story of the person who the cap is named after.  She asked us if we would mind if one of the first caps marketed would have your story on the tag.  At first I couldn't say anything, I was stunned.  Then I cried, because it was such an honor to be asked.  With all the people she has met, all the stories of survival and heartache that she has experienced, she wants to honor you on one of these special caps.  How incredible is that, My Jacquie?  You see, you are everywhere with everyone who knew you, and even didn't know you.  As much as I struggle with the fear that you may be forgotten, people continue to remind us that you haven't been.  For Kathleen to consider you as a part of this project is so, so great.  I wish the two of you could have met.  She is very much like you and I think you would have been really good friends.  I know you are watching us and what we are doing, I wish you could tell us what you think, and what you would like us to do.  Sometimes I just cry because you can't answer my questions and I am afraid of doing something that you wouldn't like or approve of.  When we talk about decisions that have to be made or changes for the foundation, I wish you could tell us what you would like us to do so we know you are happy.  I hope you think us moving forward to help Kathleen on this project is a good idea.  We will do anything we can to find a cure, and if this helps get us there faster, we are going to do it. 
My Sweet Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  The sun was out today and it was warm, just the way you like it.  I'd like to think that you are enjoying it.   I wish you were here enjoying it, so it would mean more to me.  I am waiting for you still.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer that that.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul, with all that I am and all I will ever be.  I love you with each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  When the sun shines, I see you in my mind- with your beautiful blond hair shinning too, and a huge smile on your face.  I see your soft skin glowing and I picture you in you short shorts and a tank top, smiling back at me.  I miss you, My Jacquie, I miss you so vey much.  Maybe it would be better if it just stayed winter and cold all the time.  I love you- your mom forever
 

March 17th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  Happy St. Patrick's Day My Sweetheart.  Once again, I find myself saying "I wish". I wish you were here to celebrate with TJ and your cousins and your friends.  I know that we are both remembering 4 years ago when you were post-transplant in Sloan Kettering and we heard the events of the day that TJ and the girls had.  At first, we were so concerned that Angela was alright and that she would be ok.  After we knew that, the laughter came.  We heard all about the parade, the party afterward, and the emergency room pizza delivery, among other things.  And we thought that you would be celebrating the next St. Patrick's Day with everyone.  We were wrong.  Now, you are far away from us and the day has no meaning to me.  I am angry that you have been denied all the holidays and parties and celebrations that have gone on without you.  I am angry that we BELIEVED but it didn't help.  I am sad and angry that no matter how hard I wish and hope and BELEIVE, it will not bring you back to me.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I am your mom and I am always going to be your mom.  And today, when a parent at the gym asked me how many children I have,  I told her "I have two wonderful, beautiful children- a son and a daughter".  And then I walked away and went into the office and cried.  I love you Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

March 14th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Day 1285.  How can that be?  Just yesterday you were here, in my arms wondering what your future would hold.  But it has been forever since I held you.  "A daughter needs a mom to teach her the every tree takes a while to grow".  I had only begun to teach you that, and you had just only begun to understand what that meant.  And now, now you will never know what you could have grown to be.  I can imagine, I can dream, and I would like to think I know what you would grow to be.  I  think that you would have grown into an incredible "tree".  You would be strong and sturdy like and oak.  You would bend and flow with the breeze like a willow.  You would be "home" to all the little children you taught, the way a maple tree becomes a home to a mother bird with her babies in the spring.  And like an apple tree or an orange tree, you would bear fruit to nurish the future.  No, I am wrong.  You are the most beautiful of trees as you lived.  Flowering with a beauty and fragrance unmatched by any other.  Maybe it does take a while for a tree to grow, but you, My Jacquie, were grown and beautiful way before your time.
Maybe you understood that better than I did.  Maybe, you should have taught me.
My Sweet Jacquie, I miss you and you will never know how much.  You will never know how many moments a day are spent asking "Why" and wondering when I will see you again.  I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I will love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  With each beat of my heart and every breath I take, I will be hoping you know that I am waiting to see you again.  Please come to see me soon, I feel as though I am getting lost.  Please let me know you are near me.  I will wait for you.  Love forever, your mom
 

March 11th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, the last few days haven't been any better, but you know that, don't you.  I know that spring is coming, and it should be a time to look forward to.  I know that the flowers are coming through and that means warmer weather is just about ready to stay.  But, you're not here.  You aren't here to see it or share it with us.  You aren't here to start thinking about flip flops and bathing suits, suntans and swimming.  You aren't here.  I am so tired of being without you.  So many times I need to talk to you about the gym or the foundation or anything, but all I can do is talk.  You can't listen and answer me back.  You can't give me your opinion or advice.  Everywhere I go I see daughters with their moms and it makes me so jealous and angry and hurt and sad.  It makes me wonder all over again- Why Jacquie?  I know that it isn't right to be jealous of them, but why aren't you and I shopping and talking and sharing like they are.  Why aren't we making plans for your bridal shower or your wedding.  Why?  Please, just someone tell me why.
My Jacquie, I miss you still and so very much.  I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you the oceans and the mountains, the sunshine and the rainbows.  And I WILL love you more each day.  I hope you can feel my love and my arms around you.  I hope you can hear my voice as I talk to you and sing to you.  And I hope that you know I am waiting for you in my dreams.  I send you a kiss on your soft skin and I am holding your hand as you fall asleep.  I love you Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

March 7th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I am finally home, finally home with you.  I just want to go to bed and be with you in my dreams.  Sleep tight, My Angel.  I love you so very, very much.  
Love, mom
 

 March 4th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, Well, honey, we are officially started on the 2012 Tinker Ball.  We sold the first tickets.  Your Godfather "Winking Uncle Dave" will be coming with the family.  I was so very excited to see the ticket request form with their name on it because this will be the first year they have been able to come.  I wish everyone who knows you could come so everyone would see what you are continuing to do through your Foundation.  I know it seems silly, but for me, it is so important to have the people who have supported you and the Foundation see firsthand what has been accomplished and what still needs to be done.  We have to keep letting everyone know that the fight is not over. To know that there is still much more to be done in raising awareness for funds to be made available so that research can continue to move forward.  To let everyone know that we are all responsible to help find a cure.  To tell the world that cancer and leukemia cannot be permitted to keep ruining lives and taking our loved ones from us.  We know we are doing what we can, but it is not enough.  The Tinker Ball is very important in helping us to reach more people and spread the word about your Foundation.  So, now that we have the first 4 tickets sold, we need to start pushing to sell the Tinker Ball out again this year.  We PROMISE you, Jacquie, we WILL give all we have inside of us to make you proud and to make all your events the most successful they can be. 
My Jacquie, do you miss us?  Do you cry sometimes because we are not together?  I wonder.  And I wonder if you know how very much I miss you.  I do miss you, more than words can say.  And, I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with each beat of my heart and every single breath I take.  You live deep in my heart, it will forever be your home.  You keep me sane, you keep me moving towards you dream.  I wish you would come to see me again in my dreams, it has been so long since you have come to visit me.  But I will wait, if I have to.  But I really need to see you.  Soon.  I wish..........  I will love you forever, your mom
 

March 1st, 2012 
- Dear Jacquie, I find it hard to believe that we have already past 2 months in this "new year".  The calender goes by so quickly, but the days go so very slow.  It seems as though it takes forever to get from morning to night.  but we know that is because night is our best time of day. 
Jes has been away for a while now, and I know you are looking after her and trying to help her stay strong and get through this.  She sent this to your dad and I and I wanted to share it with you, and anyone who reads your website.  I cried when I read it because I wish she could tell you these words in person.  I know you will feel honored when you read them.
 
                    Jax 12/18/11
 
In my dreams I see your face
In my mind I hear your voice
Your uplifting words
Your invigorating spirit
 
I wish my dreams to be reality
I wish my mind spoke clearer
I ache for your words
I feel your spirit within me
 
Your laughter exhilarates mine
Your smile warms my heart
Your strength motivates me
Your inner beauty always shines
 
Wisdom true of a believer
I believe someday
One day
You will grace my smile
 
I believe you are with me
Next to me
Pushing me to strive for excellence
Encouraging me to find my recovery
 
I thank you and love you every second
Wish you were here
Believing you foever are
 
My Dear Sweet Jacquie, I miss you and love you.  I miss  you more and more each day.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I know I tell you this all the time, but that is the only way I know of to let you know how much I love you and how sorry I am that I couldn't save you.  I am so so sorry that I failed you.  I failed in everythin a mother is supposed to do for her child.  You much never forget that every day I still beg for you to be returned to us and for me to be taken back in your place.  I don't know if that could ever happen, but I would give my life for you in a heartbeat.  I love you, My Sweet Daughter, and I WILL love you forever.  Love, your mom
 

February 27th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  today is another "anniversary", but this one is TJ's and Angela's.  A year ago today, they reached the summit, the very, very peak, of Mt. Kilimonjaro.  I can't believe it's been a whole year already.  It seems as though it was yesterday that they left to climb for you.  And still to this day, I am in awe of them.  What they set out to do, and did accomplish, was nothing short of amazing.  I look through the book of pictures and watch the videos of their trip, and I cry with pride at what they achieved in honor and in memory of you.  The picture of the two of them in front of the summit sign, holding your picture up for all the world to see, makes my heart swell with pride and fills me with a never ending feeling of love.  You were there with them, I know you were.  I know you feel the same pride and love that all of us feel.  But I also BELIEVE that for TJ and Angela, you are the reason that they look back on their incredible adventure and know that what they did was for you and for the love and pride YOU would feel for them.  YOU are what drove them up the mountain when they didn't know if they could go on.  YOU are the one who stood next to them at the summit, surrounding them with love and wonder.  YOU are the one who brought them home safely to us.  YOU gave them a way to show you how much they love you and miss you.  I wish YOU were here today with us.
My Sweet Jacquie, today, as always, I miss you.  I love you more each day and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I will love you with all my heart and all my soul, with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  I love you with each breath I take and every beat of my heart,  I love you, My Jacquie, yesterday today and tomorrow.  Forever-  Love, mom
 

February 24th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, it's Firday night and I just got home from the gym.  It has been a long week, longer than most, and I want nothing more than to be home with you.  I have so much to talk to you about, so much to say to you.  I wish you were here to geet me when I came through the door, the way you used to.  I would open the door and there you stood, all smiles and love and laughter.  You would start talking before I even had the chance to put my things down.  Usually, you were giving me so much information at once, I would have to tell you to slow down so I could understand it all.  I knew if I didn't get all the information right, it would come back to haunt me at some time in the future, because you would make a reference to something you had told me and I wouldn't be able to follow what you were trying to say.  I felt that I had to be sharp when talking to you, so I would know what was going on in yours, and your friends' lives.  You had so much to say, so much to share, and I loved every minute of it.  I loved knowing that you wanted to share your life with me.  And I loved knowing you felt you could talk to me.  I am sure there is a lot you never told me, but there was so much you did.  I listen to parents talking when I am at the gym, or out somewhere, and I hear them complaining about their chldren.  I want to tell them to listen to what their children are saying to them, really listen to what the meaning is behind the words.  I wish I was still able to talk with you.  I would try to be a better listener and a better mom.  I would try to undo the mistakes I made and be a better parent.  I wish that learning to be a parent didn't mean learning as you go along.  Then maybe there would be less mistakes.  Maybe.  I wish you could tell me what you think and how you feel.  I wish you could talk to me, not just in my mind and in my heart, but here- with me.  I wish you were here with me now, so I could talk with you and then give you a kiss goodnight, and know you were here with us, safe where you belong.  I wish.
My Jacquie,  I miss you; and I love you.  I miss you more each day, and I wish I could be with you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  When the sun comes up tomorrow, I will know you are there in the sunshine.  And if it is raining or snowing, I know you are in each raindrop or every snowflake.  I know you are all around me, but still, you are not here.  And I am waiting, waiting for you to come to me and let me know you haven't left me.  I still need you by my side, after 1266 days, I still cannot make it without you.  Please come to see me in my dreams, I will be waiting for you.  I love you, My Daughter.  Love, mom
 

February 21st, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  Happy Birthday, My Jacquie.  Today is your 4th second birthday.  Oh, how I wish you were here.  How much we BELIEVED that would would be here to celebrate each of these second birthdays.  This birthday date was to be special because it was the day you recieved your first transplant, the day you were given a chance at a life that would be leukemia free.  A complete stranger gave you the chance to life- gave you the gift of life.  And we all BELIEVED, with all our hearts, that you would live to celebrate many many birthdays with us.  I was in the bakery at the store, looking at the cupcakes, the strawberry ones with the strawberry frosting.  I wanted to buy them for you because my oven is broken and I couldn't bake them for you.  I wanted you to be here to eat them all.  But before I could buy them, a little girl walked by with her mom, chatting away and hold ing each other's hands.  And I started to cry.  I cried for you, and for all of us.  I cried because I couldn't buy you the cupcakes and I cried because if I did buy them, you couldn't eat them.  I cried because I couldn't take you clothes shopping to pick out new things for spring to wear while you teach.  I cried because your students wouldn't be singing happy birthday to you and making you those cute little cards.  I cried because it hurts.  It is Lindsey and Caitlin's birthday today, too, and I cried because you could not celebrate with them.  I cried because....
My Sweet, Wonderful Daughter- I miss you.  I love you and I always will.  I will love you forever and ever and longer than that.  I will love you with all my heart and all my soul, and with all that I am or ever will be.  I am waiting for you to come to see me, to let me know you are near.  I am waiting to hold you and love you and never let you go.  I am waiting to be with you again. Happy Birthday, Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever
 

February 18th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, It's Saturday night.  It was a long day at the gym and I miss you.  I wish you were here with me.   Dad is in Rochester for a meet with the boys and girls teams, and I know he wishes you were there with him too.  We all miss you and think of how much we wish you could be with us, all the time, everyday.  Tonight, Shelby, Fozi and I will talk to you and sing to you and maybe, just maybe, we will hear you singing back with us. 
My Jacquie, I love you so much.  Each day I love you more.  Each day I realize how much I learned from you and how you made me see the world through your eyes.  You made the world a better place and now it is hard to be here without you.  I will love you forever and ever and always,and longer than that.  I will love you with all my heart and all my sould, with each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  I love you every grain of sand on the beaches and every snowflake on the mountains.  I love you the rainbows and moonbeams, and sunshine and starlight.  I love you for staying next to me and keeping me strong whan I am weak.  I love you forever.  Love, your mom
 

February 16th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  I was having a rough day today.  I stayed in bed too long and didn't seem to be able to get anything done when I did finally get up.  I drove to the gym, wishing I could just turn around and go home and go back to be.  But I continued on to the gym and taught my first class.  They did well and I think we accomplished a lot.  But I still wanted, needed?, to go home.  I needed to be with you.  Then the team started and I thought maybe I could cut out early since we were missing a number of gymnasts because of winter break and vacations.  Suddenly, a little preschooler ran over to me and just stood there looking up at me.  I asked her if she needed help and she reached her arms up to me.  I looked over at her teacher, Miss Megan, to see what was going on.  Miss Megan told me that I looked like I needed a hug, so she sent one of the littles ones over to give me one.  They are always giving me hugs and telling me stories, but today's hug was extra special.  I know it was specaial because it was sent from YOU.  I BELIEVE that you sent me that hug to let me know you were near, that you haven't left me and that you wanted me to feel your arms around me.  You knew that I needed you so much.  Thank you, Jacquie for the hug.  You can't even beging to know how much it meant to me. 
My Daughter,  I miss you and I love you so so so much.  I love you with all my heart and soul.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  When the stars come out tonight I will look into the sky and I will see you looking down at me.  Each star will show me another memory of our times together.  You are in my heart forever.  Love, mom
 

February 14th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, To My Valentine, Jacqueline Elisabeth- Happy Valentine's Day Sweetheart.  I wish you were here so I could give you your candy hearts with all those cute little sayings on them.  I remember the times you would pick special ones out of the box for your dad, TJ and for me.  I wish you could be here to pick out your favorite ones again.  Your dad and I left your Valentine's Day cards for you, I will read them to you later.  It took me a long time to pick your card out, although it usually does.  I start to read and then I start to cry.  It is so hard to go to the part of the card section that say "Daughter" and know you will not be reading the card next to me when you open it.  I have such a hard time deciding which card to get for you because so many of them say the words that are in my heaaaart but I can't manage to put down on paper.  I hope you know that if I were a poet, I would write hundreds of poems for you.  But since I am not, I will just keep doing the best I can to let you know how much I love you.  I wish you were here.  I wish I could buy you chocolate and watch you enjoy eating it.  I wish I could buy you a beautiful bouquet of flowers and see the surprise in your eyes when you find out they are for you.  I wish.
The boys meet went well, once again.  The parents, and staff did an outstanding job and ran a terrific meet.  I hope you are proud of all the work everyone put into making it a success.  Everything went very smoothly and I really think the gymnasts, coaches and parents had a good time.  Maybe next year the meet will be even bigger.  We will do our best to make that happen for you.  I promise.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you so much.  Do you know that I love you with all my heart and all my soul?  Do you know that I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that?  Do you know that I look for you in the sunshine and in the stars in the sky?  Do you know that you live in my heart and someday we wiil be together again?  If you know all this, then you know that I love you my life.  Happy Valentine's Day Sweetheart.  Love, your mom
 

February 11th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, tomorrow is the boy's meet- The 4th Annual Boys Jacquie Hirsch Memorial Challenge, at the gym.  We have 85 boys entered, more than last year.  Once again, I wish you were here.  I think of how much we miss having you and how it shouldn't be "Memorial".  I think how hard it will be to listen to your dad's opening remarks that he makes to the parents, coaches and gymnasts about you.  He will tell them your story and explain your foundation and what we are trying to do.  He will let them all know how important it is to us to find a cure and to make your dream come true.  And his voice will break and I will hear the tears silently falling.  And I will want to curse and scream at the unfairness of it all.  And another little piece of me will break off.  And throughout the day, I will turn to talk to you or to tell you something that we can laugh about, but I willl have to whisper it to you, because you are not here with me.  And I will need to find my own time to go into the office to cry for you, because you should be here.
Tomorrow is also the anniversary of the plane crash.  And I will think of all the families who lost loved ones and the parents who never had the chance to say goodbye to their children.  What do I BELIEVE in?
Four years ago today we were in NYC, starting down the road to a cure.  Where are we now?
My Sweet Jacquie,  I miss you.  I miss you.  I really really miss you.  And, love you.  But you know that, don't you.
You know that I love you now and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  You know I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  You know that I would give my life if it would bring you back.  You know I begged "God" to take me instead of you, but he didn't listen to me.  And you know that I am waiting to be with you again.  Do not forget, never ever forget, how much I love you.  In my heart you live, and my heart beats for you.  You are with me always and I wish you could find a way to tell me that you miss me and love me too.  I wish I could talk with you, not just in my mind but to me.  I wish.  I love you, My Jacqueline Elisabeth- now and forever, love- mom
 

February 7th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I've been thinking and I have come to the conclusion that although time will continue to pass by, my heart will carry the pain of your being taken from us forever.  There is no "time heals all wounds" or in time, you'll forget what the pain felt like".  It doesn't and I won't.  Because you ar everywhere but not here.  You live in my heart but you are not here with me.  I can hear your voice, but you can't talk to me.  I can feel your skin against mine, but you can't feel my touch.  There are many who must think that my "grieving" has gone on long enough, that it is time to put the past to rest and "move on".  There are those who have never lost a child.  There are those who don't know what it is like to live with the knowledge that no matter what was done, how hard we wished and hope and prayed and BELIEVED, it wasn't enough.  There are those who don't know what it is like to live with the guilt that a mother couldn't save her daughter's life.  There are those who will never know that the emptiness inside grows, it does not lessen.  I hope these people who have so much to say and think, never find out that what they think they know, isn't true.
            Jacqueline Elisabeth, My little star, 
             I think about how you are.
            Watching us all from high above, making sure we share our love.
            You taught us much, you gave to us all,
            Then were taken from us,
            You answered the call.
            Please never forget, what we have shared
           And never doubt how much we care.
           We love you now, we always will,
           And though you are gone, your are with us still.
My Daughter Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  You are My Daughter, and I will love you with all I am and all I will ever be. Love, mom
           

February 3rd, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, well Sweetheart, I don't have anything to say that you haven't heard a million times before.  I am just feeling a little more lost than usual and needed to tell you again how very much I miss you.  It seems today that there were more reminders everywhere- of you, of what was, of memories, and what wil never be.  Sandra is pregnant and that is such terrific news. We are very happy for them.  Ashley is busy planning her wedding, as is Nikki and it must be such a great time for the girls and their moms.  I know.  I should be used to it by now.  But I'm not.  I try not to let it bother me, but I am so weak, because inside it hurts.  So I just wanted, no- needed, you to know that I miss you and I love you and I hurt for all the things you will miss.  I hurt for the memories that you will not make.  And I hurt for the times you and I will not share.
My Jacquie, I miss your smile, your laugh, your touch.  I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you the wind that blows whispering your name.  I love you the sun that shines the way your smile does.  I love you the stars that shine like the shine in your eyes when you smile and laugh.  And I love you all the rainbows in the sky, with all their colors that you bring to me.  I love you and am still waiting for you to come to me in my dreams.  After all this time, I still need you near me, and I need to know you will not leave me.  Please don't make me be alone.  Love, your mom forever
 

February 1st, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, today is the start of another new month.  I don't know where January went.  It seems as though we just had New Years.  I am wondering what February will bring.  Will the foundation continue to move forward?  Will TJ and the rest of us be able to bring more attention and awareness to your foundation and your dream?  We will find a way to let more people know how very important it is to find a cure for cancer, before many more lives are lost and destroyed?  Those questions are in my mind a lot since the meeting last week, and I'm not sure how to proceed from here.  I wish you could be here with us, guiding us and telling us what direction YOU would like us to take.  We have worked so hard to get this far, but it isn't enough.  Not nearly enough.  You should be here letting us know what you want for the foundation that bears your name and honors your life.  You should be here. 
I was reading the "Believe" book again yesterday, thinking as I do so often, about what do I really believe anymore.  One quote made me stop and think.  It said "Believe in fresh starts and new beginnings".  But I realized I don't want a fresh start.  Not now anyway.  Maybe someday, but not now.  For now, I just want to live in the past with my memories of all of us, happy and healthy.  I want to keep remembering how it was before we heard those awful words.  I want to see you in my mind, smiling and full of fun and life.  I want to hear you talking to me and telling me your hopes and dreams and plans.  I want to watch you teach and see the complete joy on your face as you address a group of gymnasts in the gym, or students in the classroom.  All this and more is where I want to live for now.  I don't want new starts and new beginnings unless they include you too.  I wish it could be.  My new beginning will be when I am with you again.
My Sweet Daughter, I miss you and I love you.  I miss you so very much.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I will love you with all my heart and soul, with every beat of my heart and each breath I take.  You live within me always and I will never stop loving you.  You are a gift that was given to us, and that gift cannot be taken away.  I will always be your mom, and my pride in you and love for you will never end.  Come to me in my dreams and whisper to me.  I am waiting for you.  Love, your mom
 
 

January 2012
 
January 29th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, We had a family foundation meeting tonight, and although everyone wasn't here, I think we were able to get some things accomplished.  TJ has been doing a lot of thinking lately.  He has many ideas about how to take your foundation to the next level.  He is really driven to make it bigger and better- to make your foundation name, a name that will be recognized and honored in more places by more people.  He gave us a lot of information on how he would like to go about making these changes and some timelines for them.  It is going to take a lot of work to make these changes, but of course, there is no doubt that we will do whatever we have to to reach our goal- your dream.  Now, you know me and that change is hard for me.  All this talk about change is making me worry that the foundation will somehow lose who we are, but TJ has assured us that we will only be better.  I guess I wish we could grow, without having to change how we were when we started out.  But I know that we must change to grow, so I will try to adjust.  If you can, try to give us signs that you are ok with the changes and that you are still proud of us.  You must know that that is all we want, for you look at us with pride.  For you to BELIEVE that all we do is for you and our love for you.  To keep your foundation growing and moving forward, we will show you that we have not forgotten you and that our love for you will never die.  We want you to understand how hard is still is to be without you.  After 1239 days, it is still so painful.  If we can do this for you, if we can make your foundation grow, and have your name known by more people, than somehow we hope you know that you will be our Jacquie forever.  Never Forgotten, Forever Missed and Loved.
My Sweetheart, I miss you and I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with each beat of my heart and every breath I take.  Tonight,  I  will hold you close to my heart and I will remember how your skin felt to my lips when I used to kiss you goodnight.  Come visit me in my dreams, I will be waiting.  I love you.  Love- your mom, your BFF forever
 

January 25th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I am finally home from the gym.  A very long day.  I have been waiting to come home to you and I am so glad to be home so I can be with you.  I have work to do, but I really just want to go to sleep.  Sleep well, My Daughter, and dream beautiful dreams.  I will be with you, next to you, keeping you warm and safe.  Come to see me if you can, so that I know you are thinking of me, of all of us.  I will dream of you and about the wonderful times we have had.  And I will dream of the wonderful times we will have when we are together again.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  The sun that shines, shines for you.  And when the sun is out, I try to BELIEVE that you have sent it for us so that we know you love us.  Sleep well, My Angel, and I will see you in my dreams.  I love you.  Love, your mom forever
 

January 23rd, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  I can only say "Thank You".  I know YOU were the one that put the whole weekend together.  The meet went so very well, better than we could have hoped for.  It was such a huge success and I BELIEVE with all my heart that you helped us to make it a success.  We had wonderful people at the gym to make everything run smoothly- the staff, parents, and gymnasts, all did their part to have each session run on time and without any problems.  There were no injuries, which is always a worry when you have that many gymnasts competing in a short period of time.  The awards went off without a hitch- no one had any issues with the scoring or placements.  I know the gymnasts had a good time, we heard from many of them and their parents and coaches, that the meet was well run and a pleasure to participate in.  Our own gym parents were over the moon at how well it turned out.  Many of them said they were a little sad today, because it was over, and they felt a little "let down".
Even the weather cooperated this year,  Last year the snowstorm was so bad all weekend and it was a nightmare for everyone.  This year, we only had a little light snow and by yesterday, the sun was out and it was warm.  I know you sent us the good weather and the great meet.  You helped us out so much, Jacquie, and I hope you are as proud of yourself as we are of you.  On the downside, you were not here, and I knew it would be hard.  I had to find places to go to deal with my tears and let myself grieve without crying in front of others.  I know what is expected of me, and I have been trying really hard to meet those expectations.  I also know that there will never be a time when you are not on my mind.  The reminders will always be there, and the hole in my heart will never be filled, no matter how successful your events are are, or what I am doing.  Because when it all comes down to it, you should still be here with us.  At times during the meet, I swear I could feel you next to me, and hear your voice telling me that you love me.  I'm not sure if it really was you or just my mind desparate to think it was.  But whatever the case, I will BELIEVE it was you, holding me together and holding me up.  Thank you for being with me always.
My Sweet Jacquie, this past weekend we gave people who never had the pleasure and honor of knowing you, a chance to meet you.  I hope these people will think of you and will try to make the world a better place to live the way you did.  I hope these people will stop and think before they complain about little things, and realize how lucky they are to be alive and healthy.  I hope the parents will remember to cherish every second with their children and to love them with all their hearts.  I hope that by being at the gym, they could feel the love we have for you and could feel the love you have for children.  I hope the meet gave them more than medals and trophies and scores.  I hope it gave them a chance to think about what is important in life and how short life can be.  I miss you, My Jacquie, and I love you so much.  I love you with all my heart and soul and all that I am.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I love you raindrops and rainbows, sunshine and moonbeams.  I love you more today than yesterday, but not nearly as much as I wll love you tomorrow.  You are MY daughter and I am your mom, that will never change.  And someday, we will be together again.  Until then, I wait for your touch and your voice in my ears.  I love you, your mom
 

January 19th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I sat down to write to you and realized that I am not sure what to say today.  I am sad.  I am angry.  Mostly, I am missing you so much.  Your meet starts tomorrow and for the fourth year, you won't be there.  We will have hundreds of children at the gym, all excited and nervous about the competition.  But you won't be there to talk to them and give reassurance.  They won't hear your words of encouragement spoke in your very calming and soothing voice.  They won't hear your excited squeals of delight when they hit their routines.  They won't hear you tell them to BELIEVE in themselves and what they are capable of accomplishing, or to have fun and make new wonderful memories.  The children and their parents won't be able to see the pride you have in each child's efforts, and how you hug them and love them.  Your dad and I won't have you next to us to show the world what love is.  We will miss you so much. 
As I type, I am seeing all the photographs under the glass on this desk.  Photos of the four of us together, photos of you and TJ or photos of just you or TJ.  They are reminders of wonderful times and incredible memories.  When I look at them, I try to remember words that were spoken during those moments when the picutes were snapped.  I try to hear all our voices and see the expressions on our faces.  I try to cling to the love that was so evident to anyone who was near us.  And I am so very thankful that we had those times and those memories.  Thank you, Jacquie, for showing us what love for a lifetime is.
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and soul, and I will love you forever and ever and longer than that.  I love you the sun and the moon and all the stars in the sky.  I love you rainbows and butterflies.  I love you, My Daughter and I will be your mom forever.  You will never be alone because I will never leave you.  Please don't ever leave me, because I can't make it without you.  Sleep well, My Angel.  I am waiting for you in my dreams.  Love, your mom
 

January 15th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, what do you BELIEVE in?  I know what you did BELIEVE in.  I know what we talked about and what your heart held.  Have you changed your mind about your beliefs?  Are they still the same or different?  Are they stronger? Does what happened give you reason to doubt what you used to BELIEVE?  I wish I knew.  I do know that as much as I say I BELIEVE, I still have many times when my saddness, grief, pain, and anger make me think that there is nothing left to BELIEVE in.  Today has been one of those days.  I am missing you so much and seem unable to find my way back.  As we get closer to your meet, and the stress of hosting another event that will honor you is making me feel inadequate and useless again.  It is as if I am reliving the time I spent with you when you were sick, and I wasn't able to help you.  I feel that way now.  I feel as though nothing I do is enough and that once again, I will fail.  I am sorry, My Jacquie, I am so sorry.
My Daughter, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and soul, and with all that I am.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  When my heart beats, it beats for you.  I hear your voice telling me to keep going and I will- for you.  I love you,  your mom
 

January 12th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, A mother needs a daughter to teach her to BELIEVE that there is more to life than where we are now.  This thought has been circling in my mind for many days now.  I think it is because the holidays were so hard without you and I couldn't wait for them to be over.  As I wished them away, I tried to understand why I am still here and you are not.  I tried to find a way to know assure myself that you are well and happy, and free of the terrrible disease that took you from us.  I keep hearing people tell us you are, and sometimes I even say it myself.  But in my heart, the mother in me needs to know that for sure.  I need to know that you ARE in a "better place", and that you are truly in a new life beyond the one you were taken from.  Each time I hear or read about another child being diagnosed with leukemia or cancer, I feel the pain the parents feel and the horrible feeling of helplessness.  The feeling that all you can do is stand by and watch, and beg God to let you trade places with your child.  If this is all there is to life, why were you and so many others like you, taken before you had a chanbce to live it?  I am trying to learn from you, but I so wish you could tell me what is beyond.  You don't even know what I would give to hear you whisper to me that you are all right.  I will continue to BELIEVE that you will find a way to let know.  Until then, I will wonder and continue to grieve.
My Sweet Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you now, and I will love you always.  I will love you forever and ever and longer than that.  You live within my heart and your life continues on within me.  I love you and my love for you will never die, it will only grow stronger.  And someday, I will be with you again and I will show you just how much I love you.  Love, your mom forever
 

January 8th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, today was a better day because I was able to spend most of the day here at home, with you.  I didn't have to go to the gym, or run errands or be with anyone.  I just spent most of my day with you.  I know that I didn't get much done, and I should have done more work, but it seems I have so little time to spend with you lately, that whenever I can, I just want to sit and talk with you.  I hope you don't think that is silly, but talking with you keep me from screaming sometimes.  If I can talk with you, I can pretend you are next to me- listening and then talking to me.  I can pretend that you and I are having one of our gossip talks, or maybe just one of our serious life talks.  Whatever we talk about, I know that in my mind I can hear you and Imagine what you are saying to me.  I need to keep hearing you talk to me, because the silence would be too much for me to bear.  And I do BELIEVE that someday again, you will find a way to whisper "mom" to me like you did once before.  Until then, we will talk and I will hear you in my heart.
My Sweet Little Girl, I miss you.  I am grateful that you are my daughter, I am grateful that we were chosen to be your parents and I am grateful for all the love you gave me.  I just can't understand why you had to be taken from us.  It makes be wonder what is ahead for the rest of my life.  Whatever the future brings, one thing is for certain and will NEVER change.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you; more today than yesterday, but not nearly as much as I will love you tomorrow.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  And your love will keep me strong and give me courage when my strength and courage fail me.  I love you, and I am waiting until we are together again.  Until then, please don't leave me- I can't do this without you.  Love, your mom forever
 

January 5th, 2012 - Dear Jacquie, I know that I always talk to you about how wonderful your family and friends are.  I let you know how much they love you and miss you.  I share with you, all the things they do for you and your foundation.  Today I want to share with you a poem written by Jes.  As you know, she is in Calf., and working very hard.  We are all so proud of her and we know you are too.  She wrote this poem for you and sent it to me.  It says what is in her heart and what you mean to her.  I know you will love it.                                                            
                       Jax
     In my dreams I see your face
     In my mind I hear your voice
     Your uplifting words
     Your invigorating spirit
 
     I wish my dreams to be reality
     I wish my mind spoke clearer
     I ache for your words
     I feel your spirit within me
 
     Your laughter exhilarates mine
     Your smile warms my heart
     Your strength motivates me
     Your inner beauty always shines
 
     Wisdom true of a believer
     I believe someday
     One day
     You will grace my smile
 
     I believe you are with me
     Next to me
     Pushing me to strive for excellence
     Encouraging me to find my recovery
 
     I thank you and love you every second
     Wish you were here
     Believing you are forever
 
You are with us all in everything we do and say.  Your life is our life now, and it always will be.  You have taught us so much, and you continue to teach us everyday.  We try to learn your lessons and make you proud.  You are who we wish to be.
 
My Sweet Little Girl, I love you and miss you so much.  Your songs come on the radio and I sing to them, and I know you are singing with me.  I know you are telling me I sing terribly, but we sing together anyway.  I hear your voice in my mind, I feel your song in my heart.  I wish I could feel you in my arms.  I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I will lover you with all my heart and all my soul, with all that I am and all that I every will be.  You live in my heart where you keep me comforted and warm.  I hold you tight against me, and touch your soft hair and your smooth skin, and I remember how it feels to touch you.  I WILL hold you again.  I love you, your mom
 

January 2nd, 2012 - Dear Jacquie,  I hope you had a huge party in heaven for New Years Eve.  I would like to BELIEVE that you did, and knowing you, you were in charge of it.  I remember when you and Bina were the "party plannners" for your sorority and how much fun you had planning all the activities.  I remember going down to see you at school and taking you shopping to buy party supplies and decorations, and yes- even some "beverages".  Oh Jacquie, I wish you knew how much that time spent with you meant to me.  I know I would tell you thank you for inviting me to go with you, and how much fun I had with you, but I wonder if you ever knew how lucky I felt that you even wanted to spend time with your mom.  I wish we could still be doing that.  I wish we could be planning events and parties together for your foundation and the gym, and a party for today.  Today is your dad's birthday, and I know what he wishes.  He would give anything to be with you today.  Today, he looked through the birthday gifts and cards that you and TJ had given him in the past, and I know how very happy it made him to have those things from you.  But I also know how sad he was that you weren't here with him to remember those very special times.  And how much he wishes that there would have been many more times together.  I gave dad a card from you, and I told him how very much you love him, and what a wonderful dad he is.  I know you would want him to know that you miss him and love him so much, and that you are the luckiest girl in the world because he is YOUR dad.  I know you want him to know that even though you aren't here in person, that you are always with him.  I told him he will forever be your dad. 
My darling, I love you and I miss you.  I love you more today than yesterday, but never as much as I will love you tomorrow.  I love you with all my heart and soul, forever and ever and always.  Stay with me, be by my side and try to let me know you are close.  I look for signs that you are near, and sometimes I think I just want to beg you to show me that you haven't left me.  I need you.  Love, your mom