The Jacquie Hirsch for A.L.L. Foundation


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Cause' when push        
        comes to shove
You taste what        
        you're made of.
You might bend,        
        till you break
Cause its all        
        you can take.
On your knees        
        you look up,
Decide you've        
        had enough.
You get mad,        
        you get strong,
Wipe your hands        
        shake it off,
July 2010

July 31st 2010 - Dearest Jacquie- Today was to have been your second birthday of your second transplant. Remember how we planned to celebrate all the birthdays?  You had your "real birthday", then the birthday of your first transplant, and then, what was to be your last birthday date- beause the second transplant was going to be the magic one.  The one that gave you the rest of your life. What a lucky girl to have 3 birthdays!   I remember you asking if I would make you strawberry cupcakes with strawberry frosting for all your birthdays, and I told you I would make them for you, not only on all your birthdays, but all your "un-birthdays" too.  You also wanted to know if you would get presents for all of the birthdays, and of course, I said "yes".  I bought you a present yesterday, it is a beautiful Jim Schoor Tinkerbell clock.  I will put it near you so you will be able to see it, and you will be reminded about how much we love you and miss you.  I will keep buying you presents on all your birthdays, so you never have to wonder if we remember.  And when I am picking them out, I will be able to imagine and dream about how much you would have enjoyed opening them up and being surprised.  I wish I could have made cupcakes for you today.  I wish you could have been here to lick the bowl and tease TJ about you having more batter than he did.  I wish you had been here to blow out your candles.  I wish.
Once again, cancer has entered the life of someone we care about. Please say a prayer for Claire, who was just diagnosed with breast cancer. She will begin her fight at Roswell and we want her her have all our support.
Fudd's surgery went well, and we are hopinhg he will soon be able to leave Roswell and go home with his family where he belongs.
And to all our many other friends who continue the journey through hell. remember we are with you and you are not walking alone. I wish we could help more.  I wish we could change things.  I wish.
To my Beautiful Daughter, thank you for the love you gave us all, and for the people you brought into our lives.  You continue to inspire us and to push us to be better people, to be more than we think we can be.  The lives you have touched continue to touch others.  Someday, when we are together again, I will hold you and tell you about everyone who has shared "Jacquie stories" with us.  I will wait for that day, I hope it is not too long.  My Jacquie, I will love you forever and ever and always, with all my heart and soul, and longer than that.  Happy Birthday Jacquie.  Love, your mom

July 29th 2010 - Day 691.  I miss you, My Jacquie.  Every minute of every day.  The reminders never go away.  I watch TV and all the advertisments for "back to school" are on.  Why are you not getting your classroom ready?  Why are we not shopping for your new "teaching clothes"? Why? I know you were there with us Tuesday night, and we know you are the reason you dad is ok.  But why aren't you HERE with us and ok with us?  I am so very tired, I just want to go to bed and wake up with you here where you belong.  I just want to stop hurting.  I miss you, My Daughter, and all the time in the world will not change that.  I will love you forever and ever and always, with all my heart and soul, and longer than that.  And soon, we will be together again. Love, your mom

July 25th 2010 - Dearest Jacquie, It is Sunday and the sun is trying very hard to ge through the clouds.  There is a nice breeze and it's not too hot.  We should be together today.  We could be sitting on the deck or taking Shelby for a walk.  Or we could be going to the mall to shop for things you don't really need, then going out to eat food that really isn't good for us.  But we should be together, and we are not.  Last night your dad and I went to our 35th high school reunion. It made me remember a lot of events and peope, but most all of the memories of my life are of after you and TJ were born.  They are my best memories, the ones I cherish most, and the ones that keep me from losing my mind. We stopped at the Wilson's for a little while for their annual chowder party, and the thought in my mind the whole time I was there with your friends, was "where is Jacquie"?  I read the post from Alicia and I felt so bad for her, knowing that her heart is still broken and always will be.  She is right.  Time doesn't mean anything when it is your heart that has lost a loved one.  Your mind may tell you one thing, but it is the heart that must find a way to keep beating.  With you gone, each beat of my heart hurts, each breath I take is for the ones you no longer take. I continue to hear the words of family and friends who care about us. They try to comfort and tell us things will get better. And their words do help, they give some peace and some reassurance that life will go on.  But none of them can know, without going through it themselves, how hard it still is.  And I pray every day that no one else has to go through such a horrible loss.  But still, we continue to hear about more cancer diagnosis.  And it saddens me to know that there will be families forced to live with the pain as we are.  Jacquie, I know you are happy and pain free now, and for that I will be forever grateful.  I wait for the day when we are all together again, and our pain will come to an end as well.  I wake up waiting for the time I can go back to bed, and have you visit me in my dreams.  I want to hold you as I once did, and will again someday. I want to sing to you and with you, and I want to see you smile and hear your laughter again.  My Jacquie,  I will love you forever and ever and alwaysand longer than that, with all my hearts and soul, love your mom

July 20th 2010 - Hey pal, I came home after long day today and just as I started flipping through the channels to see what was on.... I found "wipeout."  I began to smile and laugh right away....... I remember all those nights in Roswell we would sit together and no matter how good or bad of a day you had, no matter how tired out and how much you were hurting we had that hour of smiles and laughter at the end of the day. I can still hear your laugh, and still see your big smile at the sight of all these ridiculous people. Imagining you laying there with your bald head and glasses and hoodie brings tears to  my eyes, I would give anything in the world to go back and share those days again. Even if it meant that we were still fighting, it would mean that you would still be here.
I hope you know how much I love and miss you. We had such a great success at the Ride again this year and so much fun at The Ball. We won another award from Roswell at the ride and at the Ball we donated another $32,000! That makes $100,000 for research so far!  We are all trying very hard & staying busy....but I think you already know that. I guess most of it is really because we miss you so much and want to continue remembering you, but sometimes I can't help but think it's just because we don't know what else to do without you. The time that we would spend talking, or going out to eat or doing anything with you is all filled up now. It's filled up because I think it's easier being busy than feeling sad and angry and missing you so much. But at least we're getting a lot done and making some important progress with your foundation and at the gym and the building. I hope that we are making you very proud, Jax, to see all that we are doing, for you and because of you. I hope that you are happy and not hurting anymore. Please come visit me soon so I can see you again. I love you with all of my heart. love always, your sentinel.

July 18th 2010 - Dear Jacquie, how can I begin to thank you?  How can I tell you what your life has given to all of us?  The Tinker Ball was wonderful!!  I know you  were there, and you shared the whole evening with us.  I know you were because I felt you holding my hand.  And I know you saw and felt the incredible amount of love for you in that room.  And that love is what I want to thank you for.  The person that you are is what brought every person to the Ball.  Your life is surrounded by the most wonderful people.  Your friends and family came from near and far to celebrate you life.  Hawaii, Illinois, Penn., Georgia, Arizona, and Germany, to name a few.  And all of them were there for you!  It was a very proud moment when I looked around the room and realized that our daughter/sister brought all these people together to help us make your dream come true.  Thank you for being who you are, someone who others would want to be like and would want to support.  Your friends and family made the night a success.  Without their help and hard work, none of it would have happened.  No matter how much your dad, TJ and I would work to organzie the Ball, if people didn't come, our efforts would be for nothing.  I know you saw the gowns and tuxedos, and how I wish you would have been there to dance.  Your friends knew how hard the evenig would be without you, and they made sure I knew that they missed you too.  You were everyhere. in pictures, in the music, and in our hearts.  You made the evening special and memorable for all of us.  I hope you are proud of what your family and friends accomplished.  And I hope you know we are nowhere near finished.  We still have much to do for you.
My Darling, I miss you and I would have not made it through the night without all the truly special people that you brought into our lives.  How is it possible that in your too short time here with us, you managed to bring so many people together for a cause.?  How is it possible that your dad, TJ and I have not had to find a way to make your dream come true alone?  How can we express our thanks and gratitude to all those who made your night possible?  And once again, how can we thank you for bringing those people into our lives?  I am desparate to be with you again, to hold you and kiss you, and touch you.  I don't know when that will be, but until then,  I know I have your family and friends next to me, to all of us, to keep us moving forward.  Thank you, Jacquie, for not leving us alone.
Please say a prayer for Stan, Kathy and Bev.  Each of them is fighting their own battle and need our love and prayers.  As we found out, everyone needs all the support and love that is possible, and we know Jacquie's web site can provide that for them
My Wonderful Daughter Jacqueline Elisabeth, oh  how I miss you.  I missed you when I was dressing for the Ball, and needed help with my jewelry.  I missed you telling me my hair was sticking out of the bobby pins.  I missed sharing secrets about how silly some people danced, and I missed being one of them you thought looked silly  I missed you so much at your Tinker Ball- you should have been ther next to us.  Please remember that I need you, I am not able to do this alone, so don't leave me. I am waiting for you in my dreams, and each night I hold you tight in my arms and in my heart.  I will wait to be with you again. Until then, I will love you forever and ever and always, with all my heart and soul, and even longer than that.  Thank you My Jacquie.  Love, your mom 

July 15th 2010 - My Dearest Daughter Jacquie- We just arrived home from Sean Patrick's after setting up for the Tinker BAll.  All your family was there to help, and many of your friends.  It didn't take long because there were so many to pitch in, and it was much easier than last year because we were more organized.  You are going to be so proud, Jacquie, when you see how we will be honoring you.  You are going to be amazed when you look down on us and watch us celebrate our love for you.  And you will also feel our pain, as you hear how much we wish you were with us.  There is no way to tell you how hard it will be, once again, to be in a room filled with your family and friends, your doctors and nurses, Herbie and Kevin and the others from Roswell, and KNOW that you should be with us.  And yes, before you say it, I know you will be there with us, but again, you will still be missing.  And I will still have to ask WHY?  Jacquie, I beg you, please visit me in my dreams tonight.  I can't do this without you.  I have to know that you are still with me.  I have to know that you still love me.  I have to see you and feel you and hold you.  You have to try to understand that I need you to always be with me. Please.
Please say a prayer for our dear friend, Kathy, just diagnosed with breast cancer.  She underwent surgery today, and we must BELIEVE that she will be ok.
Please remember Cindy and Peter tonight in your prayers.  Today, they buried their only daughter in Arlington National Cemetary with full military honors.  Jenna, I hope you and Jacquie find each other and become friends.  I think you would have a lot to share and would have a special friendship. Cindy and Peter, we are always here for you.
My Jacquie, I have to end my writing now, I cannot continue.  Never forget how much we miss you, or how empty our lives are without you.  Always remember that I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that- with all my heart and soul.  You are my "Rainbow Connection".  I love you Jacquie, your mom

July 10th 2010 - Another Saturday night. The 96th since Jacquie died.  672 days.  I wonder how many others are still counting the days since their loved ones were taken from them.  We can't seem to ever get away from hearing about newly diagnosed friends, or relatives of friends.  When does it end?  How long can this go on?  How can lives keep being destroyed while we wait for a cure? 
Jacquie came to see me last night in my dreams.  It was very strange.  In the dream, the doctors were all standing around her bed at Roswell and they were talking to her.  They were telling her she would get better and be ok.  Jacquie didn't say anything.  She just looked at me, and then I started to cry.  Then I had to tell the doctors that it would never be ok because Jacquie wasn't really there anymore.  She was only in the bed because she knew I needed to see her again, so she came back to see me.  I woke up crying and looking for her, needing to see her and touch her.  I am waiting to be with her again.  I am waiting for her to come to me in my dreams again, it seems that is the only time I feel she is safe.  I know she is always with me, and I am always begging her to never leave me.  I think she knows that I can't bear the thought of her being gone.  Jacquie knows that I need the 4 of us to be together, forever.
In 6 days, we will be hosting Jacquie's 2nd Annual Tinker Ball.  I hope she knows that no matter what happens, there are so many people working very hard to make it a success.  We all want Jacquie to be proud of us, and are doing everything is our power to make it happen. We still have tickets available and I hope we don't by the night of the Ball.
Please say a prayer for my new friend's dad, Sam, who was recently diagnosed with colon cancer.  He is doing well right now, but I know that this web site has many people who will keep him in their thoughts and prayers.  There can never be too many people praying for remission.
My Jacquie, My Daughter, My Angel, I miss you.  The days go by and time goes on, but the pain remains.  You are everywhere.  The postings from family and friends on your guestbook prove that.  It is one of the few things that give me comfort these days, having people write to us and tell us stories about how you continue to be part of the life they are living.  You are alive in those stories and you are alive in our hearts.  You always will be.  We are 4, now and forever.  I  love you, My Jacquie, with all my heart and soul, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I will wait to see you in my dreams until we are together again.  Love, your mom

July 5th 2010 - My Jacquie, yesterday was the 4th of July, and just like last year, we were remembering your last 4th of July at home.  You were on a short "break" from Roswell, the doctors had given you a few days to come home between your last round of chemo and your preparation for your second transplant.  I remember so well, you asking if you could go with "The Boys" and "The Ciao Bellas" to watch fireworks.  I was a mess, wanting so badly to say no, to keep you home where I could watch you, make sure you were ok, and that you weren't with anyone who might be a hazard to you.  I worried about you taking your meds, staying hydrated and getting overtired.  I worried about you being in a car with someone other than your day, TJ or me driving.  I worried about everything.  But I let you go.  And on Sunday, I relived it all again.  And I wonder if I should have done anything any differently.  I will never know if it would have made a difference.  I think of that a lot, what I did or didn't do and how it may have changed the outcome.  I will always wonder if the decisions we made were the right ones..  I am so sorry, Jacquie.
When you were young, I thought of what your future would be like. I wondered if you would fly to the moon, but always knew you were own little star.  I knew you could, and would, do anything you set your mind to do or accomplish.  I saw that you would be a strong leader, you were always so strong in your convictions.  You would be able to move mountains, for yourself and for others.  You would teach and share your enthusiasm for learning with all your  students.  You had so much promise, so much to give to the world.  But you were taken from us before you had the chance to make your dreams come true.  It doesn't change how proud we are of you.  We are in awe of the woman you have become.  You have given all of us a reason to go on without you.  You have challenged us to make your wish come true.  And we will.  But it is so hard to live up all we know you want us to do.  How did you do it Jacquie?  How did you keep fighting, keep going in spite of everything you were going through?  I find myself wanting to give up so often.  And then I think of you and I know that I can't.  But as we get closer to the Tinker Ball,  I realize that somehow I have failed to make it all we wanted it to be.  And how can I have done that to you.  I am sorry Jacquie, I am so very sorry. 
I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul- until we are together again.   Love your mom