The Jacquie Hirsch for A.L.L. Foundation


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Cause' when push        
        comes to shove
You taste what        
        you're made of.
You might bend,        
        till you break
Cause its all        
        you can take.
On your knees        
        you look up,
Decide you've        
        had enough.
You get mad,        
        you get strong,
Wipe your hands        
        shake it off,
July 2011

July 31, 2011 -  Dear Jacquie, The date may not mean anything to anyone else, but it does to me.  Because I remember what we were doing and where we were 3 years ago today.  An more importantly, I know you remember even more than I do.  We were at Roswell, celebrating your 3rd "birthday".  It was the day that was supposed to be the beginning of your new life for the third time in your lifetime- your second bone marrow transplant.  I am so sorry, My Jacquie, that it didn't work.  I am so sorry that it couldn't have been me and not you, that was taken away.  I am so sorry that all my love couldn't save you.  All of us, couldn't save you.  I am so sorry.  Today we should have been eating and celebrating with you.  Today, we should have been laughing and joking and making plans with you.  And yet, we are not.  And I am so sorry.
My Sweet Sweet Daughter,  I miss you and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I will alway love you with all my heart, all my soul, all that I am and all that I ever will be.  I see you in the sunshine and in the raindrops, in the moonbeams and the rainbows.  I see you, but I cannot.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom

July 30, 2011 -  Dear Jacquie, My Dear Sweet Jacquie.  Once again, you have managed to do what others only dream of.  YOU were able to captivate a huge room filled with people without physically being there.  YOU were the Honored Guest who was present in every conversation, every smile, every laugh and even, every tear.  YOU shined like the stars in the sky and brought colors to the room that would shame the most magnificent rainbow in the sky.  YOU told the story of your life without any words.  YOU shared your hopes and dreams without singing a song.  YOU showed every person at your Tinker Ball the meaning of life, after yours was taken from you.  YOU gave the words courage and strength a new meaning to those who let fear rule their life.  YOU!!.  Your Ball was incredible, but you know that because you were there next to me, every minute of every hour.  I do BELIEVE that with all my heart.  I BELIEVE that because if you hadn't been next to me, I would not have been able to endure the night.  The part of my heart that is empty and broken without you, felt you there, trying to mend it and fill that hole.  I saw you in your family and friends smiles and laughter.  I saw you there watching everyone enjoy your favorite foods.  I heard you singing along with your friends as they danced and sang to the songs you love.  I felt you next to me as the speakers talked about you and your amazing but too sort life.  And mostly,  I witnessed a change in the people who never had the honor of meeting you.  People who came into the Ball not knowing, really, who Jacquie Hirsch was, and left feeling as though they had known you forever.  The respect in their eyes, the tone of their voices as they talked about you, let me know that their lives WILL be changed because they came to your Tinker Ball.  I truly don't BELIEVE that anyone who attended your very special evening, could leave there and not BELIEVE in you and your dream.  And so, My Jacquie, thank you.  Thank you for going to the BAll with yur dad, TJ and me.  Because without you, it would not have been the success it was.  YOU made it possible.  YOU made it happen.
Sweetheart,  I miss you and I miss you more each day.  Because each day without you is a day that is filled with sorrow.  But, I will keep moving forward, with your dad, TJ and all your family and friends, until we make your dream come true.  And I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  You are me, and I am you.  I will always be here for you and someday we WILL be together again- The 4 Hirschs.  With love forever, your mom

July 27, 2011 -  Dear Jacquie, tonight your dad and I had a very strange talk with Demi and her mom.  It seems they went down to Lillydale and you made and appearance for Demi.  I am not too sure what to think about everything they told us and what they had to say about your "visit".  Part of me is afarid to BELIEVE that you were there with Demi and part of me wants to BELIEVE that if I go there you would come to me too.  But, if you didn't I don't know what I would do.  Demi said you are happy.  I want to feel that is true- I want  you to be happy and safe and pain free.  Maybe you would come to me and tell me that you are.  After the Ball and Cruise Against Cancer are over, and I have a weekend day free, I think I will make an appointment to go there and try to have you "visit" me.  I am not sure what I BELIEVE anymore, but if there is any chance at all that I can talk with you again, I will do whatever I have to do to make that happen. 
My Daughter,  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  You are my sunshine and my rainbows, the light on my darkest days.  I miss you and I love you.  Love, your mom

July 24, 2011 -  Dear Jacquie,  It's finally Saturday.  The summer is flying by and it seems as though there is not enough time to get everything done.  Today I will spend getting the totes ready for the Tinker Ball.  There is so much to remember to take, I wish you were here to help me get organized.  I remember getting you ready to go off to college each year.  We made lists and lists and more lists and then had fun checking things off as we go each item done.  As much as I hate to shop, you love to shop and I so very much enjoyed when you and I, and many times even with TJ, would go out "shooping for school clothes".  I'm not sure how I was lucky enough to still have children yours and TJ's ages who would let their mom enter a mall with them- but oh how I loved it.  Of course, we always had to go to lunch then, too.  I wondered if when you were a teacher if we would still go shopping together.  And we did.  Remember the fall you started your student teaching in Rochester and we went shopping, not only for your "school clothes", but I had the privilege and honor of taking you "teaching clothes shopping".  It was fun to see the difference being in front of a classroon made in your choice of what to buy.  you looked so grown up and professional in your classroom outfits.  We were so proud of you, we always will be.  Watching you teach was a heart-bursting pleasure, and a memory I will treasure forever.  Now,  I have no one to get ready for school or teaching.  I don't have you to help me get the Ball organized and laugh with when when I do stupid things.  I miss you.  I miss you, so much.
Sweetheart, I know you are always "with me", but I will never stop asking you to try to find a way to let me know you are near me.  Sometimes I feel you and I wish I would have that feeling all the time.  Sometimes I feet very empty and unable to feel life.  I miss you and as time goes on,  I wonder if you will keep staying with me or if you will move on without  me.  Please don't.  Don't leave me here without you.  I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I love you with all my heart and soul, with every breath I take and every beat of my heart.  And I will try to get the Ball things packed and organized without  you, but oh how I wish you you here with me.  I love you, My Jacquie-  love your mom forever

July 21, 2011 -  Dear Jacquie, I don't know how you have managed it.  Maybe you sprinkled some Tinker Bell fairy dust down from heaven.  Whatever you did- it worked.  We have passed our number of tickets sold from last year's Tinker Ball, and are only 2 tickets away from the number we sold for your first Ball.  We have only a small number of tickets left befor we have a SOLD OUT 2011 Tinker Ball!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Wow, isn't that great.  For YOU people are coming to your event.  For YOU people are going to help us raise more funding for Dr. Wang and Dr. Nowak's research.  For YOU people are going to try very hard to make your dream come true.  For YOU we will find a cure for cancer, for YOU and everyone who has ever heard those most awful words.  For YOU we will make sure that someday no one will ever have to hear those words again.  For YOU.
My Jacquie, some days are worse than others, I know you know that.  Today, seeing all those tickets requests some in, I felt better because I saw that many people still care, still remember, and still BELIEVE.  Thank you for making that possible.  Thank you for helping us move closer to you dream.  Thank you for being My Daughter, My Jacquie.  I miss you and I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  I love you with each beat of my heart and every breath I take.  I love you the sun, the moon, the stars and all the rainbows in the sky.  I love you, My Jacquie and I am so, so sorry.  I will spend the rest of my life trying to let you know how sorry I am.  Love, your mom

July 17, 2011 -  Dear Jacquie, I miss you so much.  I really, really miss you and I am so very sorry.  You must know how much I love you and that I would give my life to have you back again.  I will love you forever and ever and always,  and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  Life now is missing you.  You are always on my mind and forever in my heart.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love mom

July 14, 2011 -  Dear Jacquie, Day 1041.  Yes , my head still counts, my heart still knows how long it has been.  Time goes on.  Life continues and we still mourn.  We always will.  Every event we do, every donation we make to another family, every new diagnosis we hear about has us re-living our nightmare over and over and over again.  Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that I hate life, that life is too unfair and that the time ahead of us that we haave to live without you will continue to be unbearable.  I can't wake up from this nightmare and the more we do for you, the more we work to make your dream come true, the more I resent that we have to do this without you.  Jacquie, you can't poosibly even begin to know the impact you have made on this world.  You are a "celebrity".  Larry told me his boys think you are the most famous person they know.  As stressed as each event we do for you  makes me, the events also remind me of how many people know and love Jacquie Hirsch.  People tell me stories of how someone finds out they know Jacquie and realize there is a connection somewhere.  Everyone at Roswell knows "The Tinker Bell Girl".  The Tinker Ball tickets sales are going better and I BELIEVE we are going to sell as many tickets as last year- Yea!!!!!!  I was worried we would not do like, like the Ride For Roswell, but I think we will be ok.  Thank you for your help, Sweetheart, I know you had a hand in making this work.
You know, My Jacquie, that I miss you and I love you.  I love you more and more each day and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I love you with all my heart and soul and with everything that I am.  When I tell you those words you must BELIEVE them with all your heart.  You must remember to never leave me and to try to come to visit me.  You have to know that I need you with me always and that I can't do it alone.  I try, I really do, but I need your strength and courage every minute of every day.  Without it, I don't think I could go on.  So stay by my side, whisper  to me, let me feel your touch.  I am waiting for you.  With all my love, you mom

July 10, 2011 -  Dear Sweetheart, I don't remember how old I was when I first heard the expression "the gift of life", but I do know that at that time, I didn't realize what those words truly meant.  When you became sick, and we were told you would need a bone marrow transplant, then- the words became real.  We were counting on someone, somewhere, anywhere in the world to give you the gift of life. To keep you alive.  To keep you with us where you belong.  And ther was someone out ther.  We don't know who she or he is, or where he or she came from.  What we do know is that someone decided at some point that the gift of life was something they wanted to give.  So this person became a member of the bone marrow registry.  We, you and your foundation, have held of supported 7 bone maorrow registry drives since you were diaganosed.  And although records are "confidential, we know of about 20 people, because of YOU and because the BELIEVE, who have been donors.  These very special and very lucky people have been able to give someone else a chance at a new life.  In a couple days, Joe will become a donor.  I am so envious of him.  I would love to be able to be a donor, to be able to give someone more time with family and friends.  I would love to be able to give a sick person, a chance to be well and live a "normal" life.  A chance to grow up and grow old, a chance to graduate, have a jo, get married, have babies and grandbabies.  A chance to make wishes and hopes and dreams come true.  I would love to give someone the chance a stranger gave to you.  And even though you did not live to see your hopes and wishes and dreams come true, that stranger gave us a few more months with you.  A little more time that we would have had.  And for that, we will all be forever grateful to you donor. I hope that anyone who is reading this and not on the bone marrow registry will get in touch with me and I will let you know how to go about it.  Please, it is so important.  You never know when you or someone you love may be in need of "the gift of life".  To Joe, we are so proud of you, and honored that Jacquiewas part of your decision to become a donor.  I am sure that Tommy is honored as well.   Two donors from one family- WOW.  You are so lucky.  Thank you on behalf of all of us.
Jacquie, My Sweet Daughter,  you have sone so much since you were taken from us.  You have a foundation in your name that honors you and your life.  It stands for all you BELIEVE in- your hopes and dreams.  Through you, many have found the courage and strength to endure what in un-endurable .  You have provided so many people with funds to help them through the financial difficulties that cancer brings.  You have brought smiles to so many who now have Tinker Bell as their  role model.  You have done amazing.  And, yet, I still wish you were here doing amazing.  I miss you, My Jacquie.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  You are my sunshine and my rainbows.  I am waiting for you and  to be with you.  Stay with me, help me, and show me your courage so that I may be the person that your mother should be.  Love, your mom

July 6, 2011 -  Dearest Jacquie, I've been thinking about time a lot lately.  How fast of slow it goes, depending on what I'm thinking about.  How sometimes it stands still and there is no way to move out of the moment, no matter how much I want to.  How we let moments go by, forgetting that we will never get them back.  And mostly, I think about my time here now, without you.  I think about you so much that sometimes at the end of the day, I have to try to remember if I accomplished anything.  I know you know this, but I want you never to forget that you are part of everything I do.  I see you everywhere and the memories are never ending. I know people would be surprised to hear that there are very few things that happen to me in my day that doesn't have a memory of you I can relate to it.  Lately, planning for the Tinker Ball has been especially hard because of this.  The Ride For Roswell failure is ever present in my mind, and remembering the promise I made to you to find a way to make your dream come true,  reminds me that I have to work harder.  Time is getting closer to the Ball and still there is much to do and tickets to be sold.  Time has moved too quickly, although we have all been working hard on this since last year's Ball.  If time could just stand still for a while so I could get caught up on the Foundation things and the Ball and the gym, maybe I would feel better.  But time doesn't stand still, it moves forward and leaves behind unfinished business.  And unfinished lives.  Your absence is felt everywhere and there are times when I cannot bear to think of doing something or going somewhere because you are not with me.  When I think of how fast times goes by, it makes me sorry that I did not do better for you- yesterday or last year or ever, because I can never get that time back again.  So I will try to do better the next time, and not let that opportunity to make the most of my time be wasted.  No matter how many minutes, hours, days, weeks, or years go by, time for me stopped when you were taken from us.  All that is left now is moving from one day to the next.
My Seet Jacquie, summer is here and your garden is growing beautifully.  I hope you are watching is from heaven.  Please try to come to me and let me know you are near.  It has been a while since you have visited me in my dreams and I am waiting to see you.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  My heart is yours.  I love you, mom

July 2, 2011 -  Dear Jacquie,  Day 1029, week 147 and millions and millions of breaths and heartbeats.  And still I ask "WHY".  Not a week goes by that we don't hear of another person being diagnosed with some form of cancer.  This disease shows no mercy for age- it attacks without conscience and takes what it wants, leaving heartbreak and devestation behind.  I know we didn't do well at the Ride, but as the Tinker Ball gets closer. I worry that that, too, will not succeed.  It is a constant worry for me that we will disappoint you, you know that because I say it all the time.  But I don't know how to make more people aware of what we are trying to do and to make them see that we can't do it alone.  So if you have any new ideas for me, as always, I am here for you- waiting to hear from you.
The 4th of July is in 2 days, and again I will be thinking of and remembering your last one here with us.  We were so excited that the Doctors at Roswell had agreed to let you come home for a few days before preparing you for your second bomo transplant. You spent the 4th with friends and had such a great time.  You came home, reassuring me that you were "fine" and that you had taken all your pills and had plenty of water to drink.  You also let me feel your forehead, which you didn't like me to do normally, so that you could prove to me that you weren't running a fever.  How I wish I could touch you again, feel your skin under my fingers and reassure myself that you were "fine".  What I wouldn't give to be sending you off on Monday, to watch the fireworks with your friends again. WHY can't I?
My Sweet Daughter, minutes and hours tick by, days and weeks pass. but time has no meaning to the empitiness in my heart.  I miss you and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  You are my daughter now, and you always will be.  I have 2 incredible, wonderful children and my heart is your home.  And you will always be with me. Love, your mom