The Jacquie Hirsch for A.L.L. Foundation


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Cause' when push        
        comes to shove
You taste what        
        you're made of.
You might bend,        
        till you break
Cause its all        
        you can take.
On your knees        
        you look up,
Decide you've        
        had enough.
You get mad,        
        you get strong,
Wipe your hands        
        shake it off,
May 2010

May 31st, 2010 - My Dearest Daughter Jacquie,  I tried to write yesterday, and I have tried to write today, but there are no words, only tears.  I wanted to wish you Happy Birthday, but I wanted to tell you with you in my arms.  I don't want to have to talk to you in my dreams and my memories.  I want you to hear the wonderful words you family and friends are speaking about you.  I want to make you pink strawberry cupcakes with pink frosting, and have you ask if you can lick the bowl.  I can't continue. 
My Jacquie,  I love you and the missing you never ends.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  No matter what the future brings, NEVER EVER doubt how very much I love you.   Love, your mom

May 31st, 2010 - Yesterday would have been Jacquie's 25th birthday. We always loved celebrating. We would go out to eat & have a big dinner, have family over to the house or celebrate at school togther. But these birthdays don't seem like we have much to celebrate anymore. Now something is missing, something will always be missing. I remember all the times when we were little and would have family over to the house. And now, all I can think of is  the home that you loved so much, a home that you never got to spend time living in or celebrating in. I wish there was a way I could have done more Jax, you helped me and showed me so much that no matter what I did and what I do, it just never feels like enough. It wasn't enough to save you and enough to tell the whole world all about you now.
Yesterday we had everyone over to the house. I was so happy that everyone still wanted to be together for you. We had so much food to eat and the dessert was great. I know you would have loved that part.... probably would have eaten dessert first. It was nice for everyone, almost everyone, to all be together. But it didn't seem like a birthday. There was no cake, no candles no presents and no you. I wish we could have celebrated another way, anyway, just to be with you. But I hope you were happy that we were all together for you, celebrating the best way we could. We really miss you Jacquie. I will never pretend to understand why you were taken away from us or agree that you were needed in heaven more that you were needed here. But I will love you for the rest of my life. I Miss you very much Jacquie. Happy Birthday, love always your big brother.

May 28th, 2010 - In two days, it will be Jacquie's 25th birthday.  But she will not be here with us. The weather is supposed to be sunny and warm, but Jacquie will not be here to be out in the sun,  feeling the warmth on her face.  I  miss her so much and the thought of another birthday that she will not celebrate with her family and friends is so painful.
My Jacquie, you are my daughter, now and forever.  People still ask how many children I have when I meet them, and I will forever answer "I have two beautiful children, a son and a daughter".  I wish Sunday would never come.  I love you, My  Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom

May 21st, 2010 - I don't know what to say or to write.  This past week, again, I have struggled to get up, get out and do the things that must be done.  I don't know why it has gotten so much more difficult now.  I know Jacquie's birthday is coming up, and maybe that is why.  Maybe it's that the summer is coming and Jacquie loved summer.  The thought that another summer will come and go without Jacquie is hard to imagine.  Each day,  I still wake up and say "this can't be real". I think of the events coming up and just want to stay in bed.  I go to the gym and want to leave.  We were supposed to all be there together.  We were supposed to make changes in the pro-shop, and Jacquie was going to show me all the plans she had and new items she wanted to order.  She had so many wonderful ideas.  She had plans for the summer campers and the field trips.  She had ideas for our new house, the house that she never had the chanace to live in for a summer.  Jacquie had ideas, and she had plans- what happened?  I have had such a difficult time just trying to remember that Jacquie would want me to keep going.  There is such a hole in all of our lives.  TJ and I were talking the other day, and we were wondering how much different our lives would be if Jacquie were still here with us, where she belongs.  There is  just no way for us to accept that this was "the Plan", that she was "needed more in heaven than on earth".  It just doesn't help.  Jacquie was what made our family complete, when she was born, and now we are not complete. As long as there is an empty chair, there will be emptiness in our hearts.
My daughter, my Jacquie- I find often ask myself, as I am sure many parents do, if I have loved you enough, if I have done the very best job I could being your mom.  I remember mistakes I made that might have hurt you, and I am so sorry.  I wonder if I told you enough how proud I am of you and TJ  that you are my children.  I remember so many times that I cried because I was so happy that the gift of your lives had been given to your dad and me, and then wonder if we deserved that gift.  There are still so many things I had to say to you, and share with you.  So many thoughts and feelings I wanted you to know.  I try to tell you  those things now, but you aren't here to answer me back  .I miss you, My Jacquie, and I love you.  I WILL love you, with all my heart and soul, forever and ever and always, and longer than that. Love, your mom

May 15th, 2010 - Saturday morning.  I am up and getting ready to go to the gym.  My Jacquie, I will try harder today, and tonight when I can finally go to bed, I hope I will be able to ask you if I did better today, and you will tell me "yes".  Stay with me and help me, please don't leave me. I  will love you forever and ever and ever and always, and longer than that My Jacquie.  Love, your mom

May 14th, 2010 - Tomorrow.  The start of another weekend, Day 616, Week 88.  The numbers grow.  Each day is another day spent trying to rmember that I need to keep going, that is what Jacquie wnats me to do.  But it is hard.  The gym is discouraging and even though summer is coming the days don't seem any brighter. This week I was not very good.  I stayed in bed too long each day, getting up only in time to get to the gym.  I have so much I should be doing but don't have the energy or desire to do it.  I just want to sleep.  I worry about everything- Torey, TJ , the gym, the foundation, our family and friends- everything.  I want to sleep so I can just be with Jacquie and hold her tight.  I have so many things I should be doing and when I do them I will probably mess them up.  The foundation events are so important and I can't figure out how to make them all succeed so Jacquie is proud of us.  I can't figure out how to live the way I am supposed to without her.  I hear from Jacquie's friends a lot, and it keeps me sane,  knowing they haven't forgotten her.  But I feel as though I am still so needy to stay in touch with them, to keep that thread that connects them with Jacquie.  I feel as though that by letting me know they still think about her and they miss her, she will always be with us. If they forget her, will she leave us?  I just want to sleep.  I don't want to go to the gym, I just want to stay home.
My Jacquie, I know I am failing you.  I know that you are so much stronger than I am, and that by giving in, you think I am giving up.  I'm not.  I just can't find my way back yet.  I know what I have to do,  I am not strong enough to do it.  I am not you, no matter how hard I try,  I don't know how to keep this up.  You amaze me.  You humble me.  And I disappoint you.  I am so so sorry, My Jacquie.  Writing this all down makes me see what a coward I am- refusing to accept that my wishes cannot come true.  My arms will remain empty and my heart will forever ache. I try not to cling to TJ, that is not fair to him, and that would not be right. But the mother part of me is so lonely.  I  love you, my daughter, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and ever, and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom

May 9th, 2010 - I hope this day brought many wonderful memories for all the mother's who are reading this.  My day was filled with both- memories and tears.  Torey has been out of town for 5 days at a meet, so today was just TJ and I.  We went to brunch with my family, and it was nice, but I know the empty chair was there.  It always will be.  It is hard to be places with all the family, especially my four neices, and not have Jacquie there too.  The five of them together were so much fun.  They were more like five sisters than cousins, and were such a joy to watch.  Add TJ to the mix, and it was pure happiness.  I feel so cheated now that Jacquie is not here to share our times.  That she is not here to make those times even more special.  I hate that!!!  I am so angry that we can't hear her laughter and see her face light up with smiles.  I am so sad that my mother's day card is signed by her in TJ's handwriting.  It was such a cold day.  TJ and I just came back to the house, and slept for a while in the family room with the fire in the fireplace going.  Jacquie would have loved that- being able to "veg out" with nothing to do but relax.  I had room on the couch for her, we could have shared it.  I  miss our "feet fights" when we layed on the couch at opposite ends and bothered each other with our cold feet.  I miss Jacquie.  I wish my mother's day was the way it used to be.  I wish My Jacquie was here with us.
My Jacquie, it is so hard to be without you.  Everything is a reminder of what was, and although many of the reminders bring a smile, the tears follow because that is all there will be.  I am still waiting for you to come to me, and I will wait as long as you need me to.  I hope you are glad that I am your mom, and that you know that I always wanted to be the best mom you would ever wish for.  I know I was far from perfect, but I did the best I could.  I wish I could have done better and saved you.  I am so so sorry.  Please come to see me when you can, I will be waiting for you.  Be happy, Jacquie, and be well.  Watch over us and your friends who are still fighting their battles.  Send us another rainbow, I will be watching for it. Let me hear your laughter in the wind, and see your smile in the clouds.  With all my love- forever and ever and always, and longer than that,  your mom

May 8th, 2010 - I have started this message a few times now and have had to stop.  I am not sure when I will actually finish it.  I have so much to say and the words aren't there.  Just tears.  Tomorrow is Nother's Day.  I am still a mother of two beautiful children.  But Jacquie will not be here to complete my day.  When I first became a mother, I wished and I prayed I would be the mom my mom was to us.  Her love was, and still is, never-ending.  She was our role model and she taught us by example.  She sacrificed for us, and her unselfishness kept us balanced and happy.  She gave us life.  She tried to teach us the life lessons we would need to make it in this world as adults and parents.   I think it is safe to say, she did an incredible job.  If not for my mom, I don't know how I would still be here today.  What she taught me, helped me to help Jacquie.  How would I have known to do what needed to be done, and say what needed to be said if she hadn't taught me?  How do you thank someone who has given you so much?   What can you say when the words cannot even begin to express the gratitude?  With so much to thank her for, where do you start?.  It would take many lifetimes to find the right words to tell my mom how much I appreciate how she guided me encouraged me.  How grateful I am that she always encouraged us to reach for our dreams- that the stars were never to far away to reach.  She caught us when we fell, and taught us to try again.  Her support and understanding never waivered.  I may never be able to find those "perfect words" for my mom, but I'll keep trying.  All the rest of my life, I will try to always let her know how much I love her and how thankful I am that I am her daughter. Mom, you give my heart so much happiness and my life so much love.  My children are who they are in part because you are who you are.  Thank you, mom.
My Precious Jacquie, I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, mom

May 3rd, 2010 - Another weekend over. The past two weekends there have been fundraisers.  On April 24th, some of the frats and sororities (Jacquie's SDT too), held their second "Dodge-A-Ball for ALL".  TJ said it was a lot of fun, and very successful.  The money raised will go to Jacquie's research project at Roswell.  This past Saturday, three of Jacquie's friends held a "Kareokee for a Cure".  They will all be going to Lake Tahoe to ride in the American Cancer Society Team in Training, 100 mile bike ride on June 6th.  There was a good turnout and I am sure everyone had a great time.  It was funny to watch and listen to so many people who really couldn't sing very well, get up in front of everyone and sing their hearts out.  I kept thinking hoow much fun Jacquie would have had, and how she would probably been one of the ones up with the mic most of the night.  How she would have enjoyed singing and dancing with her friends!  When I got home, I cried.  I wish we didn't have to do this without her.  Jacquie was one of those people who couldn't sing well, but she didn't care, she sang anyway.  I can still hear her voice, and I wish it wasn't just in my memory.  As I looked around at her friends and their families, I was amazed at all the friendship and love in that room.  I hope Jacquie felt it too.  I hope Jacquie understands how she has changed so many lives, and how much people are committed to finding a cure.  Our friend, Kathleen, came too.  She is battling leukemia, and she is winning.  She is able to be out and driving and being almost "normal".  It was so good to see her, and to see that not all stories have sad endings.  I am so tired of the saddness and the pain.  It is everywhere.  And I am afraid.  Each day it gets worse.  Everything abvout the future scares me.  I am afraid of losing more people that I love.  I am afraid when Torey and TJ are gone.  I am afraid and it makes me angry to be that way.  I feel as though I will never be ok, that my life will always be this way.  We have so many deadlines and things that need to be done, at the gym and with the foundation, that it seems we aren't getting anywhere.  I am waiting, but I don't know for what.  And I am missing Jacquie so much.  Her birthday is coming up.  How can we keep doing this without her?   I don't  want to. 
My Jacquie, your tulips are blooming and they are beautiful, can you see them?  Can you see us?  Can you see how much we miss you?  You must be able to see the holes in our lives and the emptiness we feel without you.  You must know how hard it is to keep getting up in the morning when it doesn't seem to matter anyway.  There is always so much to do and I don't seem to be able to get it all done.  I am trying but failing, to be the person you want me to be.  I will try harder, but I don't think I can do it anymore.  I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  Love, your mom