The Jacquie Hirsch for A.L.L. Foundation


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Cause' when push        
        comes to shove
You taste what        
        you're made of.
You might bend,        
        till you break
Cause its all        
        you can take.
On your knees        
        you look up,
Decide you've        
        had enough.
You get mad,        
        you get strong,
Wipe your hands        
        shake it off,
September 2010

September 30th 2010 - My Dear Sweet Daughter Jacquie,  I had thought I would try to write to you on the 28th.  I really had intended to.  But, once again, I couldn't.  I was reliving the nightmare of 3 years ago when our world was destroyed.  I kept hearing those words over and over again, the words the doctor said while you, Tommy and I sat in that very small room in the emergency department of the hospital.  The words that shattered our lives and eventually took you from us.  And I know I will hear those words forever.  I remember yelling at the doctor to stop saying what he was saying, and telling him his joke was terrrible- I asked him how he could be so cruel to say something so awful.  I wonder now how my heart didn't stop beating when he said you had leukemia.  And most of all, I remember how strong you were.  Tommy and I were numb but you seemed able to hear what the doctor was saying the first time he would say it, while I had to keep asking him to repeat himself because I was having a horrible time absorbing what he was trying to tell us.  And then, our journey started.  So, as I thought of writing, I realized I could stop crying and that it would be best if I waited.  And then today I came to your web site and I read what your wonderful Big Brother wrote to you. You know Jacquie, he loves you so much and misses you terribly.  His life is so different without you in it, all of ours are.  I just see so many times when he wants you with him, and knows that you would want to be with him.  He, like your dad and I, never thought that you wouldn't be with us always.  For TJ, he has lost his other half, and he is lost without you.
My Jacquie, although I wake each day and do what I have to do, not a day goes by that I don't wish I was with you.  People say I have to be here, but it doesn't change how I feel.  Life is what it is, and there are still some parts that are ok, but time doesn't make it easier and my love for you has never lessened, it has only grown stronger.  I have so much emptiness in my heart.  I wish you could come to me again in my dreams and talk to me.  I miss your voice and I miss your laughter.  I miss you, my sweetheart.  I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul, with love from you mom

September 28th 2010
"It used to seem to me
That my life ran on too fast
And I had to take it slowly
Just to make the good parts last
But when you're born to run
It's so hard to just slow down
So don't be surprised to see me
Back in that bright part of town

I'll be back in the high life again
All the doors I closed one time will open up again
I'll be back in the high life again
All the eyes that watched me once, will smile and take me in

And I'll drink and dance with one hand free
Let the world back into me
And on I'll be a sight to see
Back in the high life again

You used to be the best
To make life be life to me
And I hope that you're still out there
And you're like you used to be
We'll have ourselves a time
And we'll dance 'til the morning sun
And we'll let the good times come in
And we won't stop 'til we're done

We'll be back in the high life again
All the doors I closed one time will open up again
We'll be back in the high life again
All the eyes that watched us once will smile and take us in
And we'll drink and dance with one hand free
And have the world so easily
And oh we'll be a sight to see
Back in the high life again

We'll be back in the high life again
All the doors I closed one time will open up again
We'll be back in the high life again
All the eyes that watched us once will smile and take us in
And we'll drink and dance with one hand free
And have the world so easily
And oh we'll be a sight to see
Back in the high life again"
Miss you today, and everyday Jax. I love you with all of my heart. Your Sentinal, TJ

September 25th 2010 - 107 weeks, 749 days, and trillions of heartbeats have passed since Jacquie was taken from us.  And still I think it can't be real.  She can't be gone, and we haven't been left to go on without her.  But it is. And she is, and we have been.  That place in my heart that is lonely and empty still hurts so bad.  It still hurts to wake up and face the day without her, and know that my cell phone won't ever have her number on my call list again.  She won't be calling to tell me about her day and ask about mine.  And times like last night will always be so hard to face.  Last night we walked the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Light The Night Walk in Deleware Park.  The night was breezy and cool and the sky was pretty.  Jacquie would have enjoyed walking with us and probably would have complained half way around that she was tired and wanted sometihing to eat!  Were you with us My Jacquie?  Did you see you family and friends honor you once again?  Did you know that so many people came up to us and rememberyou?  One of the volunteers from Roswell told your dad and I that you are "a legend" at Roswell, that you have accomplished what others have not- you have managed to keep an unheard of amount of donors donating blood and platlets for the patients there.  He said "everyone" knows you and of you and how amazing you are.  Your dad, TJ and I are so so so proud of you.  I saw one of your nurses, Sara, from Roswell.  I finally met "Jackie from Kenmore", and I was so happy to meet her and put a face to a name.  We are hoping to say in touch, I know she understands how a mom feels.  I met her 3 beautiful children, and I will keep praying that she stays healhty and is able to be their mom for a very long time to come.  Your dad met one of your friends that you went to Paris with.  It was sad because she told him her mom died of cancer last year.  I wish I had seen her and met her.  (If you are reading this, please e-mail me so I can write to you).  There were many others and although it was incredible to have so many talk to us about you, it was hard.  I HATED HATED HATED wearing the sticker that said "I walk in memory of My sweet daughter Jacquie".  I should have been wearing "I walk in honor of My strong, courageous and healthy daughter Jacquie. You should have been there holding a white "survivors" balloon instead of your dad, TJ and I holding a gold "memory" balloon.  Once again, I wish.......
My sweet, beautiful daughter Jacquie- I know I ask a lot of you.  I ask you to watch over our friends and family who are sick.  I ask you to take care of those who are taken from us and to show them how to be Angels.  And I always ask you to please please never ever leave us. I know that probalby not right to ask so much, but I can not be here without you.  I have to know you; are with us.  I have to know you miss us too.  I have to know we will be together someday soon.  We still are working so hard to make you as proud of us as we can, and we will continue to do that until we are all together again.  I miss you, My Jacquie.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul, with every beat of my heart and with every breath I take.  Love, your mom

September 21st 2010 - I just want to let everyone know that we have finelized the date for the 2011 Tinker Ball.  It will be held on Friday, July 29 at Sean Patrick's.  We had hope to be able to go back to the 4th Friday in every July, but a wedding took the date first, even though we called Sean Patrick's the week after this year's Ball.  We hope everyone will save the date and be able to join us for another incredible night.  We have already picked our theme and are in the beinning of the planning phase.   Please let us know if you would like to be included on any of the committees, we will start the big planning in January.  We have many events coming up- the Climbing Fore A Cure Golf Tournament is on Oct 2, the Dancers Give Back is on Oct. 16,  and the Clinic For A Cure is on Oct. 23.  Also, the "Diamond In A Pearl" necklace raffel will begin on Oct 16 and go until Dec. 11.  The semi-annual Tinkerbell basket raffel will be held at the gym from Oct 3-9.  November will bring the 3rd Annual Vera Bradley and Gift Party.  The details on these events are on the web site, or you may contact us directly by phone or e-mail  The fall will be busy but we have a long way to go before we find a cure.  We, Jacquie's family and friends, will be walking in the Buffalo "Light the Night" walk sponsored by the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, this Friday night.  If anyone would like to donate to our team, please go to our events calender and click on the 24th.  If anyone else is doing a walk, marathon or other event to raise money for cancer or leukemia PLEASE let us know.  We will post it on Jacquie's web site and we would be happy to make donations.  We really must keep going, we have so many people counting on us.
To My Jacquie, my wonderful daughter,  I miss you.  I think of you always, and even when I am at the gym of with others, my mind and heart are with you.  I wish I could be with you.  I wish you were here with us.  I wish.  Jacquie, I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that with all my heart and soul and with every breath I take.  Stay with us, watch over us, gudie us and help us to go on without you until we are all together again. With all my love, your mom

September 18th 2010 - My Dearest Sweet Jacquie,  I found this poem the other day, and I thought I would like to share it with you, and with all the other moms who are blessed to have a daughter.  There was no author listed, but whoever wrote it must have had a daughter as special as you. As you read it, try to hear my voice reading it to you, as I had read to you and TJ so many times when you were children.
                     To My Daughter
     I've laughed and loved and learned
     As I've watched you bloom and grow
     I've held your hand so many times
     And I learned to let it go
     I've shared my life's experiences
     Teaching lessons that I knew
     And now I'd like to say once more
     What I've always wished for you
     Look for beauty, seek the truth
     Take time to feel the sun
     Savor every single moment
     Walk instead of run
     Strive for justice, work for peace
     Find hope in what can be
     See the wonder, share the joy
     That sets your spirit free
     Make your choices carefully
     Keep your goals in sight
     Don't regret, don't look back
     You'll know when things feel right
     Take the time to know yourself
     To your beliefs hold fast
     Then share your gifts.. give your heart
     Real love forever lasts
     Treasure your friends and family
     Of which you are a part
     They help to make you who you are
     Keep them always in your heart
     I cannot wait to watch with awe
     The dreams that you pursue
     Because you are my daughter
     And I will always BELIEVE in you.
I wish I could have told you those words while you were hear, but a poet I am not.  But I hope that somehow you knew that that is how I felt when I was talking with you.  I hope you know that that is what my heart was trying to say to your heart.  I hope you know that I still watch you with awe as we try to help you make your dreams come true.  I love you my Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart, all my soul, and with every breath I take.  Please stay with us, we need you now more than ever, and we can't  do it without you.  I will be waiting for you to visit me in my dreams. Love, your mom

September 12th 2010 - I want to say thank you, again, for the beautiful messages we have recieved the past week or so.  I have read and re-read all them many times, and each  time I feel more blessed for having such wonderful people in Jacquie's life and ours.  The words to the song "I Believe" play over and over in my head and I do BELIEVE that song was meant for all of us.  The poems that Colleen sent from her students are very special.  I wonder if somehow Jacquie has become a small part of who they are and if she is living on through them.  I would like to think so.  Jackie, from Kenmore, I wish I could talk to you and get to know you.  You sound so strong and courageous.  I KNOW that Jacquie is very proud of the mom you are, and she is going to help in whatever way she can, to see that you  are here to share your children's lives.  NEVER give up.  Whatever life throws at you, you WILL be able to handle.  If you ever want to get in  touch with me, just e-mail me at the foundation's web site.  Kathleen H., congratulations on your latest check-up.  We all BELIEVE that your motto "Gotta Kiss Cancer Goodbye" is coming true.  This is one time that cancer will lose the fight.  You keep fighting, you are doing great!  All our other friends, Fudd, Owen, Greg, Kathy, Shannon, Bev, Claire, Evan, Dr. C., and the many more, please know we are still fighting with you.  You are always in our thoughts and prayers and we are here if ever you need us.  To Paul, you fought with so much bravery and courage.  Now your fight is over and you can rest.  Please let Jacquie know you are there, she will help you find your mom.  You are an inspiration to us all, and we are so proud of you. 
I wish I didn't have to always be writing about having to say goodbye to another person.  I wish all my messages could be filled with the good news that everyone is cured and cancer is no more.  I wish...........
To My Jacquie, I am so angry these days.  I go from being sad and depressed to angry.  It has been 736 days.  736 damn days that we have been without you, and still we grieve as if it were yesterday.  I haven't seen you in my dreams in a while and I really need to.  I talk to you and I beg you to visit me, but you don't come.  These days are busy and filled with too much to do at work.  There is not enough time in the day for me to get it all done and still spend time with you.  I resent having to be without you so much.  So if you can, please come and visit me at night, I will always be waiting for you.  Never forget, My Jacquie, I WILL love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  I need you now more than ever.  With my love, your mom

September 7th 2010 - Dearest Family, Friends and "Friends not yet met"- the words are in our hearts, but will surely never be able to be adequately expressed on these pages.  The words that would tell all of you how very much you mean to the 4 of us.  The words that would tell you that there is no way on earth that we could have survived Jacquie's fight and the last two years without you.  The endless support and caring and love, gave us the strength to keep going.   Gave us the courage to face another day without our Jacquie.  Gave us the will to live without her.  Gave us the determination to continue her fight.  Gave us the ability to get back on our feet when we were falling. Gave us the ability to BELIEVE that we are capable of making her dream copme true.  You showed us that people are wrong when they say that humanity is failing.  You proved that giving more of yourself is still a way of life.  You made sure we knew we were not alone.
Now as we pass the heartbreaking milestone of two years without Jacquie, we know that it does not get easier, at least it hasn't yet.  Many days it feels as though it is even harder. We know people move on with their lives, we expect that- it is how it should be.  But it is still so hard to see where Jacquie's life should have been, and isn't.  How would her kindergarten class be this year?  Would she still come home and share "student stories" with us?  Would we have shopped for her "back-to-school" clothes together, the way we always did?  Would Jacquie be using her Tinkerbell lunchbox?  Would she be teaching at the gym with us?  Would she be engaged? Married? The questions are endless, and without answers.  I think somedays I will go crazy wondering "why Jacquie"?  And I think it maybe wouldn't be so bad to be crazy, because then I could live in a world where I didn't have to face reality.  Where I didn't have to accept that this is our life now.  And then I know why I have not given in yet.  Jacquie wouldn't want me too, and all of you won't let me.  I guess I should say thank you, so "Thank you". 
We 4 want to tell you that the texts, emails, cards, gifts,, letters, web site messages, phone calls and beautiful flowers (Tommy), made the day much less painful for us.  It isn't that we want others to feel pain or sorrow or grief, only that we so very much appreciate that Jacquie is remembered.  I hope that somewhere in this jumble of words, you were able to find the meaning behind them.  I have tried to tell all of you what the 4 of us feel and I pray that somehow you will know what is in our hearts.  I am afraid, however, that the right words will never find the way to these pages.
To our Wonderful Daughter and Sister, Jacqueline Elisabeth,  You will always be our light, our rainbow, our shining star, and our Angel.  There will never be a time when you aren't our reason to keep fighting.  We recently recieved notice that your block will soon be installed on the donation wall at Roswell.  Remember when we used to look at that wall and think "Wouldn't it be something to see  "$100,000- The Jacquie Hirsch For ALL Foundation" among all the other donors?  Well Jacquie- now you will.  You made it and we are so proud of you.  You are amazing.  We will all love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all our hearts and souls.  Be happy Jacquie.  Stay with us because we can't make it without you.  With love from your dad, your mom, and your big brother

September 3rd 2010 - Dear Jacquie, tonight your dad, TJ and many of your friends went to the Rascal Flats concert at Darien Lake.  It is a cool and rainy night but I know that they will still have a great time.  I'm staying home with you.  I don't wat to go and have to remember the last concert the 4 of us went to a concert together.  We saw Toby Keith and we had the best time.  We danced and sang and took pictures, and yes, we even had a few drinks.  Oh, what I would give to be able to dance and sing with you again.  The 4 of us.  I remember thinking how lucky your dad and I were that our children would even want to be at the same concert with us, let alone hang around and party with us. There aren't too many parents that can say that.  Some of your friend's parents were there too, and I guess that is why your friends are so special.  They were like you in that they, too, valued family and family time.  Tonight, there will be parents there again, and I hope they realize how lucky they are to be spending time with their children.  We should all have been there, the 4 Hirschs.  But instead, I am here with you and I have been going through your memory boxes.  I read letters and cards that you were sent while you were sick, and I hold the gifts you were given.  And I remember how much it all meant to you, and everytime you opened something, you said how wonderful it was that people cared enough about you to take the time to send something special to cheer you up.  And each and every gift, card and letter did cheer you up.  Now, they make me feel better, beause I know in my heart that you felt the love everyone was sending to you.  And I hope that you know that the love for you has never died. 
My Daughter, sleep well tonight, and remember how much we miss you.  Remember how much we need your strength and courage.  Remember you will never be forgotten.  Remember that I will love you forever and ever and always, with all my heart and soul, and longer than that. And most of all. remember that I will always be your mom and you will always be my daughter. I love you, My Jacquie, love mom