The Jacquie Hirsch for A.L.L. Foundation


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Cause' when push        
        comes to shove
You taste what        
        you're made of.
You might bend,        
        till you break
Cause its all        
        you can take.
On your knees        
        you look up,
Decide you've        
        had enough.
You get mad,        
        you get strong,
Wipe your hands        
        shake it off,
September 2011

September 30th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, What if?  Lately, those two words seem to define my life.  So many "what ifs" with no answers.  What if you had never been taken from us?  What would our lives be like now?  What if things were different at the gym?
Would it change the way I feel about it?  What if time could have stood still, to a better and happier time for all of us?  What if?  I guess it doesn't really accomplish anything to think of what could have been, but it is so hard not to.  As days get more difficult and the changes keep happening,  I can't help but wonder why it had to be this way, and how different it should have been.  What if we had made different decisions for you?  Would it have made a difference in your life?  What if we had gone somewhere else for treatment, would you still be here?  What if I had done things differently when trying to help with your care.  What if?  I think because the changes in our lives are becoming so hard to deal with, I can't help but wonder if there is any way to make the outcomes of these changes easier to accept.  Or, am I destined to spend the rest of my life asking "why" and "what if".  I miss you and I am so sorry.  I wish that I had been able to predict the future, maybe I would have stood a chance in changing it.  I see your friends and how they are living their dreams and wonder why I am not watching you live yours.  I am so very sorry.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you so much.  I will love you forever and ever and always.  I will love you with all my heart and soul.  I will love you until the end of time, and longer than that.  Each breath I take, I take for you, each time my heart beats it beats for you.  I dreamed of you last night and I never wanted to wake up.  You were alive and filled with life and laughter.  And you were in my arms where you belong.  And then you were gone and I was alone again.  I will wait for you to visit me again, in my dreams where you are happy and pain free.  I will wait until we are together again, and then you will be in my arms for real.  I love you, My Jacquie. Love, mom

September 28th, 2011 - Dear Sweetheart, a sad day today.  A sad and painful reminder of 4 years ago today when were heard those awful words.  I can't believe it has been 4 years- it seems as though the words are so fresh in my mind.  I can hear the doctor's voice and the difficulty he had in telling us you had leukemia.  I can see the anguish in his eyes as he had to look at you and tell you how sick you were.  I remember so clearly the disbelief we felt and how I yelled at him that it wasn't funny and he should not say things like that.  And I remember how my heart broke when I realized he was telling us the truth, and he couldn't take those horrible words back.  No matter how much I begged him to tell me he was wrong, he couldn't.  I am so sorry Jacquie.  I live that moment over and over, so many times a day, and the voice will not go away, and  the words never change.  To this day, I still pray that I am in some kind of coma, and I will wake up from this and you will still be here with us.  I know that probably won't happen, but I need to hope.  Fall is here and winter will be here before we know it.  And then, I will want to just stay here at home all the time, hibernate like a bear, so I can be with you always.  I am waiting. And I am so very sorry.  So very sorry.
My Sweet Sweet Baby Girl, "life" has gone on but part of it has ended.  I miss you so much and I love you.  We have events coming up for you- the Clinic For A Cure, Dancers Give Back and The Perfect Gift's Vera Bradly Party.  But you won't be here. And I wish more than anything, you would be here to celebrate your life with us.  Never doubt for even a second that I wouldn't give my life to trade places with you.  I would do anything for you, I would die for you.  I love you My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all I am and all I will ever be.  Please please find a way to let me know you are near.  I am so lonely without you.  Love, your mom

September 24th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, as always, I am thinking of you tonight.  I am remembering and wishing and questioning and mourning.  I miss you.  I wrote you a little poem.  I am not a poet but some words came into my head and  I thought I would share them with you.  I can hear you laughing already, but just to reassure you,  I will not try to sing them to you, we know my singing is lousy and I don't want o make you laugh too hard!  So, here it is:
I looked up in the sky today, and said a little prayer
I said how much I miss you, and wish I were with you there.
I miss you more than ever, and can't believe you're gone
I want to go to heaven, I want to bring you home.
Our lives are sad without you, sorrow fills our hearts
I have so much to say to you, I don't know where to start.
I want you to know our table, still has an empty chair
No one can ever replace you, a life like yours is rare.
Your laughter, smile and love for life, brought joy to all you met
Your courage, strength and optimism- what an example for us you set.
We learned so much from you, My Jacquie, more than you'll ever know.
But what we haven't learned at all, is why you had to go.
Fo now our lives are ever changed, now that you're an Angel above
But what will never ever change, is our never-ending love.
You'll always be Our Jacquie, our daughter and our friend
Our love for you will grow much stronger, our love for you won't end.
So as you look down upon us, from heaven up above
Know that you are our own Angel, a gift for us to love.
My Sweetheart Jacquie, I do so miss you, so very much.  I am trying to do better, but still some days I just want to stay in bed and cry.  I listen to your voice in my head and want to hear it from you.  I see your smile in my mind, and I want to see you smiling in front of me.  I remember how soft and smooth your skin felt to my touch, and I want to feel it again.  I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  You are my sunrise in the morning and the sunset at night.  I know you are the brightest star shinning in the night sky for us to see.  You make the rainbows after the rain to bring color into our dark lives.  We love so much.  Watch over us and stay with us, don't make us be without you.  Love, mom

September 21st, 2011 - Dear Sweet Jacquie, it is good to be home.  I missed being here.  We have been busy at the gym, staffing as usual, is a nightmare.  I miss you, I wish you were here with us.You had so much presence at the gym, and so much knowledge.  The way you interacted with the children was incredible.  I can't help but be angry and sad that you were only able to touch the lives of so few children in your time here- there are so many more that you should have been able to teach.  Parents still talk about you and the impact you had on their children.  As we prepare our gymnasts for the upcoming season, I know that you would have been an amazing asset to us.  There will never be anyone quite like you to teach our little ones.  And it's so not fair.  I know- "Life isn't fair", I 've heard that until I want to scream, but it doesn't change anything.  Not a day goes by that I don't drive to the gym, dreading the emptiness that will be wainting for me.  I wish you were there.  I wish you were here.  I miss you.
The "Light The Night" Buffalo is coming up in 3 days.  A lot of your friends will be walking with us for you.  I hope you will be proud of us.  It is not a foundation event or a fundraiser for you, but it is an event that name and memory of Jacquie Hirsch wll be seen and heard.  Remember, I promised you that I will do everything I can possibly do to make sure you are not forgotten.  So whenever we have the chance- we will be where we need to, in order to have YOU remembered.  I WILL keep my promise to you, and never let this world forget you.
My Jacquie, I miss you so much, even though it has been 1110 days.  Your smile and laughter are missed by so many.  Your life remembered by so many.  I have been waiting for you to visit me, it has been a while and I need to see you.  Please try to come to me and let me know you are near.  Let me know you miss me too.  I can keep moving forward, but I need to know you are with me.  I still need your strength and courage each day, because I am a coward.  I miss you and I love you.  I will love your forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.  I will love you with each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  I love you when the sun comes up in the morning, and even more by the time the moon comes out at night.  You are my rainbow and my sunshine, and I love you.  Love,mom

September 18th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, It has been a while since I have written to you, but I have been talking to you all the time.  Thank you, again, for keeping us safe on our trip and bringing us home safely yesterday.  You knew that I was worried- I hate to fly and I hate to be away from home.  As much as I wanted to see "your Paris", I didn't want to leave here.  The trip was wonderful, however, and David and Elizabeth were the most incredible host and hostess.  They showed us the Paris you saw when you were there your junior year in college, and they showed us all the beautiful places you saw.  We had the chance to see Paris through your eyes and that made it all the more special for us.  Your dad, TJ and I will be forever grateful to Dave and Elizabeth for giving us the opportunity to fulfill one of your wishes for us.  The letter you left for Sandy to share with us if you were unable to fight the leukemia anymore, told us of your wishes for us.  Seeing "your Paris" was one we didn't know if we would be able to do.  Dave and Elizabeth made that possible for us.  You told us of your adventures in Paris, all the things you saw and experienced, but being there let us share those memories with you.  The hardest part was that you really weren't "there", no matter what anyone tells us.  You weren't there for me to shop with and buy things for, or to be in our pictures that we took, or eat all the delicious foods and desserts that you so much enjoyed.  The trip was for you, I so wish you could have been with us.  I miss you.
My Sweet Daughter Jacquie, as much as I enjoyed the trip, I am very glad to be home where I belong- with you.  I can't explain why, but this is where I need to be.  Others may pass judgement on me and the way I live my life now, but it's not for them to say what is right or wrong for me.  I am with you always, but never more than when I am home.  I miss you and I love you- time has not  changed that.  I still hear your laugh and see you smile, and I feel your soft skin beneath my fingertips when I would hold you tight.  I am who I am now, and that has to be ok for those around me.  I feel lonely and lost even more now that TJ has moved out, so I will do what I have to do to get through each day.  I am supposed to be a mom, but now my children don't need a mom anymore and I don't know who to be. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, with all my heart and soul.   I love you with each beat of my heart and every breath I take.  You live inside me, and my heart will always be your home.  I love you, My Jacquie, mom

September 6th, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, there are no words, just terrible pain and sorrow.  Today, year 3, day 1095.  How can it be?  Today we begin our 4th year without you.  Today, Jess and her children, family and friends begin their first day without Fudd.  He died last night, but like you, he was not alone.  His family and friends were at his side to say goodbye.  Also like you, he died a hero.  He fought for four years, hard and courageously.  You two had little time together, but you shared so much in your fights against ALL.  Your being taken from us changed our lives forever.  Now, Jess and the family will also be changed forever.  I had the honor to be able to go down to  Roswell yesterday to say goodbye to Fudd.  He held my hand tight and we talked for a short time.  He was very tired and on a Morphine pump to control the pain, but he was alert.  He thanked me for what the Foundation has done for him and his family.  It made me cry harder because all I could think of was that we weren't able to do enough.  I promised him we would continue to help them out and to please not worry.  And just before I said goodbye, he pulled me close and whispered that he would give you a hug for us.  My heart broke.  He was saying his goodbyes to those he love, and yet he knew how much that would mean to us.  He, like you Jacquie, is an incredible human being and the world is a much better place because he was here for 32 years.  The world will miss him, just as the world misses you.  Please take care of each other, share your smile with him and your laughter.
For your dad, TJ and I, we will spend part of the day doing what we need to do for ourselves to survive this horrible anniversary.  For me, your room is where I want to be.  I am very sure that I could spend the rest of my life there and be just fine.  Your dad will take his motorcycle on a ride down to the Letchworth State Park where you and he used to ride.  He will ride around and remember the fun and "wild" times you share- a father and his daughter.  I am not sure exacatly what TJ has planned, but I think he will go over to work on his house, and he will think of what should have been.  He will have memories of your wonderful lives together and he will wonder why you and he aren't making more memories as you and he get his house ready to live in.  We all have our own ways to make it through the day, but in the evening we will be together- dad,TJ, you and me.  Just the way it always will be.  We will have something to eat and then we will have our memories.  Many, many of your family and friends have texted, called, or emailed us today to let us know they are thinking of us, missing you, and remembering your life.  Sue sent the most beautiful bouquet of red roses to you, and Ashley stopped by with a vivid yellow mum plant for us to put in your garden.  It will look incredible as you look down on it from heaven.  Danielle, Angela, Marianne, and Kerri brought you a wonderful mixed bouquet of flowers that are cheerful and full of hope.  There are purple flowers, your color, and I am sure you can smell all your flowers up in heaven.  You haven't been forgotten, My Jacquie.  When I was at Roswell yesterday, it hurt.  It is so hard to be there with all the memories of what you went through and the last time you walked through those doors.  The last time we said goodbye to you there.  But with all the hurt and pain, there was some joy.  So many people came up to me and said "Aren't you Jacquie's mom?"  They said how they still remember  and think about you and tell others about you.  People speak of you with respect and awe, and say how amazing you were and still are.  So many of them have your bracelet on.  You live on, My Jacquie, your life meant so much to so many, and YOU made others happy.  YOU are truly a hero.  But we miss you.
My Sweet Daughter Jacqueline Elisabeth, I can't put into words how much I miss you or love you.  There is no way to measure it.  I do know that someday when we are all together again, I will show you how much.  You are our hero and you are our light in the darkness.  We love you and we will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that, with all our hearts and souls.  You make us whole, you are always in our thoughts and in everything we do.  WE ARE 4, now and forever.  Love, mom

September 3rd, 2011 - Dear Jacquie, today I was in the store and I was looking for a card for TJ.   I wanted to find a card to tell him how much I love him and how proud I am of him.  While I was looking, a card fell out of the slot above the one I had taken out to read.  I reached for it to put it back and something made me look at it and then read it.  Once again, I know YOU stopped me from replacing it without reading it.  YOU wanted me to see it and to read the very special words in it.  YOU sent those words to me, to my heart.  I want anyone who still reads these posts to know what you had to tell me.
                                     What if the brillant twinkling stars
                                     that bring the dark night sky to life
                                     are windows looking out of heaven?
                                     And at the very monment
                                     when we're wishing
                                     on those stars,
                                     hoping that the loved ones
                                    we have lost are happy,
                                    safe, and free...
                                    maybe they are looking
                                    at those same stars
                                    from the other side,
                                    making the same wish for us.....
                                    sending us all their love.
                                    I'm wishing you
                                    the comfort of loving memories
                                    and the feeling
                                    that you'll always
                                    be connected to one so close
                                    to your heart.                                                 by Sharon Valleau
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  On this day, 3 days away from the nightmare that was when you were taken from us, I am thankful you sent this to me.  I have asked you to let me know you miss us and love us, and I BELIEVE you sent this so I would know that you do.  I BELIEVE you made the card fall so I would read the words you wish me to hear you say, to all of us.  I know you understand how desparate I am to have you stay near me and give me strength.  Somehow you managed to find a way to give me what I needed so badly.  EVERY day, I miss you and I am so sad and angry that you are not here where you belong.  If you can stay by me, However, I can find a way to get up in the morning and do what I have to do, until I can go to bed at night.  Thank you, Sweetheart.  You are so amazing.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I will love you with all my heart and soul, with each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  You live within me, and you are my light.  I love you,Jacquie, love- mom