The Jacquie Hirsch for A.L.L. Foundation
 
 
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Cause' when push        
        comes to shove
You taste what        
        you're made of.
You might bend,        
        till you break
Cause its all        
        you can take.
On your knees        
        you look up,
Decide you've        
        had enough.
You get mad,        
        you get strong,
Wipe your hands        
        shake it off,
THEN YOU STAND.


April 2015


April 2, 2015 - Dear Jacquie,  Happy Easter Sweetheart.  We miss you.  I have your Eater gift here for you and dad and I have your cards by you.  We will read them to you and I hope you like them.  Today dad and I went to Sean Patrick's with Nana and Grampa and TJ went to Danielle and Matt's for brunch with the family.  Then dad and I went over to Danielle's for a little while, then stopped at Aunt Val and Uncle Bob's.  I just wanted to be home with you.  I have a poem for you that I found, it says what is in my heart.  It is called "Letter To Heaven":
  
     I am writing you this letter, to you up above
     To tell you how much I miss you, with all my heart and love.
     I do not know why you had to go
     It just wasn't fair
     I am left with all this sorrow
     Sometimes too much to despair.
     It is hard not to touch you
     It is hard not to see you
     I wish so much to hear your voice
     JUST ONE MORE TIME
     I hear you whisper inside my thoughts
     I feel you around me
     I know you live on
     Through those live you have touched
     I know someday I'll see you again
     In my heart I'll hold you close
     And keep you safe
     Until then, keep sending me those signs
     Always remembered
     Always loved
     From your loved ones you watch over
     From your world up above

My Jacquie, I am not a writer, I am not a poet.  If I was, I would be able to write wonderful lines with beautiful words to tell you how very much I miss you and how deeply I love you.  I would tell you how you mean the world to me, and that my world fell apart when you were taken from us.  I would find the words that would let you know that the pain and sorrow have never gone away and they never will.  The words I would write you would tell you that you are my daughter now and forever and nothing and nobody will ever change that.  The words would say to you, that I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that in  sweet flowing words that come from my heart.  They would say to you that you live in my heart forever and I will never let you go.
I will not be able to write to you for a while.  TJ is getting your NEW WEBSITE ready to "launch" and I will not have access to it until everything is converted over.  He is very excited about this and I hope you know how hard he has worked to make this happen for you and your foundation.  I know you will love it, the wesite was built with love.  So My Jacquie, until I can write again, I will continue to talk with you and tell you what is in my heart.  
I love you, My Sweet Daughter, My Jacquie.  Love, mom


April 2, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, last night I drove down to Geneseo for your SDT's "Dodge-A-Ball For A.L.L. Spring tournament.  It was really nice.  Your sisters did a wonderful job recruiting teams and setting up the whole event.  There were 17 teams this time and so so many kids in the gym.  For the first time, I spoke to everyone before it started.  I know you heard me because you were there with me, giving me the courage to stand there and speak to over 200 college students.  They were all very nice and thanked ME for letting them do this.  I told them about you and why we have the foundation.  I explained what the foundation does and how much their support means to us.  I told them thank you and then I cried because many girls and even some of the boys were crying.  It was great to be with so many people who love and care about you even though they have never met you.  You are a legend at GSU and we are so proud of you Jacquie.
My Jacquie, some days are worse than others.  Today was one of those days.  Being at Geneseo last night, with all your "friends not yet met" was hard.  I feel drained and tired, lost and lonely.  I miss you and I love you.  Love, mom


March 29, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, dad and I went to another fundraiser.  Another life honored.  Another life cut short by cancer.  Another young woman who will never have her dreams come true.  When will it all end?  Kathleen Hogan O'Neil and her foundation "Gotta Kiss Cancer Goodbye" hosted the Love Fest to raise money for Roswell to support young people battling cancer.  As we learned, there are really no programs for young adults, there are programs for pediatrics and for older people but not for your age.  Kathleen is working hard to get something in place and we will do whatever we can to support her.  But it is difficult to keep saying goodbye.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  As time passes, and life goes forward, I miss your "firsts" that you are not here for.  I miss your "once in a lifetimes' that you are not here for.  I miss you when I am doing something with your friends and you are not here with us.  I miss you all the time.  I hold you tight and I want to never let you go.  I wish I could just always stay at home with you.  That is when I am ok.  When you and I are together I can be me.  I don't have to be who I am "supposed to be".  I will be with you always, and you will always be with me.  When I can't take any more, I remember all you went through and it makes me ashamed of myself.  I realize I can't give up, you NEVER did.  You are my hero.  You are my role model.  You are MY Jacquie.  And I love you so very much.  We all miss you and everytime we are together, we feel the pain of your empty chair.  We want you to never forget that we never will.  I love you, My sweet girl.  I am waiting for you in my dreams.  Please please come to visit me soon.  Love, your mom


March 26, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, I know you know what today is.  It is the third anniversary of Billy's death.  It is hard to believe it has been 3 years.  It seems like only yesterday that the dorrbell rang on that Monday night.  Like you, Billy's life and legacy continues.  His family and friends remember him every second of every day.  The man he was has never been forgotten.  He is honored for his life and his ultimate sacrafice.  He, and too many others, have given us out freedom at the cost of their own.  It is up to us to never forget what that sacrafice was.
To Billy, we miss you and we love you.  There are no words to express our sorrow and pain, or the gratitude we feel for what you gave up for us.  The red white and blue will always fly free because of you.  Thank you Billy and all your bothers and sisters who have fallen with you.
My Jacquie, today at the cemetary I know you were with me.  I felt your breath on my face and the love in my heart.  I miss you and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom


March 22, 2015 - Dear Jacquie,  I've been sick for a week now, with the flu and I feel lousy.  And I feel awful and guilty about saying I am sick because nothing I will ever go through will be as bad as what you went through.  So I will stop complaining and remember that you are my hero and that I can never be as strong and courageous as you.  Anything I feel is nothing.  Dad has been gone for the past 4 days at a meet and I am feeling lonely without the other 3 Hirschs.  I am never going to feel whole again until we are all together again. 
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You are each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  When I think of my life, it is you, TJ and your dad.  It is for you I keep going and try not to give up.  Although I struggle every day with what I can deal with,  I know that for you, I can deal with anything.  I hope you know how very much I love you, and how I would give anything to be with you again.   I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever


March 18, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, today I went over to the daycare and brought Molly Jacqueline back to the gym to have lunch with us.  I wish you could have spent time with her, Jacquie, she is  like you in so many ways.  We had pizza and shocolate pudding and even though she wore some of it back to daycare, she really did eat a lot and enjoy every bite.  She is a good eater and manages to talk and eat at the same time without losing any food out of her mouth.  You would talking with her, she is so animated when she talks and tells stories.  She is really something else.  And at the gym- she is so cute with the team kids.  She thinks she is one of them and she tries to tell them what to do.  I know you and she would have been best buddies.  But she does "know" you.  We talk about you to her and tell her stories and show her pictures.  We want her to know the incredible wonderful person she is named after.  When she is older, I will be sure she understands how much you love her and Olivia and how you will always be watching over them.  I wish you could be here with us.  I wish.......
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you so much.  As the weather starts to get warmer and spring comes, I will miss you more and more.  I will want you here with me to go shopping for summer clothes and shoes for you and for you to tell me that I need to update my wardrobe.  I will miss sharing the start of a new season with you the way we used to.  I miss you always and I miss your laughter and smile when I feeling sad.  I know you are always close, but Jax, it has been so long since I held you and heard your voice.  Can you please visit me in my dreams soon?  Can you bring the four of us together in happier times?  Can you let me know that you miss us?  Can you show me that you know how much we miss you too?  Please, Jacquie.  Come to see me and give me back the four of us.  I love you more today than yesterday, but never as much as I will love you tomorrow.  I will be waiting for you in my dreams.  Love, your mom


March 15, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, oh My Jacquie,- you were so missed last night but I know you were with us.  Movie Night at TJ's!  We saw Dumb and Dumber 1 and 2.  Such stupid and silly movies but we laughed.  We laughed at the movie and we laughed with you.  So many times we quoted you from your favorite movie lines and TJ would remind us of stories the two of you shared while watching your favorite movies together.  And we ate.  And we drank. There was too much food, we all brought so much because nobody wanted to run out of stuff to shove into our mouths!!!  And of course, there was no shortage of wine, beer and "girly drinks".  The night was only missing one very important person- you.  And no matter how many movie nights we ever have, you will always be the missing piece.  I know you are with us.  I can hear your laughter and see your smiles.  I can see you watching the movie and managing to eat with both hands at the same time.  And I smile, because I know you let us know you are there at TJ's with us.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You are with me everyday, in all that I do.  I try to keep living the "Jacquie" way,- each day to the fullest.  I know I don't always succeed, but please don't think I am not trying.  It's just that some days, just getting out of bed is all that I can do to live each day to the fullest.  You are my inspiration, my rainbow.  When I think I can't anymore, you give me the courgae and strength to know that I can.  I love you, My Sweet Daughter.  Love, mom


March 12, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, I went to see Billy again this morning.  Damn, how I hate having to go see him there.  He doesn't belong there, and I am so sad and angry that he is.  Never ever should you and Billy be gone from us.  Never ever should we be forced to live without you.  I am soooooo angry.  And my heart is sooooooo broken for you both.  Love, mom


March 10, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, I wanted to stay in bed today.  Last night was hard, and I am tired.  I just would like to sleep.  I can't though.  I have to go to work, I have so much to do, and everyday I seem to get further and further behind.  Mostly because I spend more time thinking of you and less time doing my work.  Maybe it's because I am in The Center working now, and I am surrounded by you.  Your memories and your life are in these rooms.  What we have done for you and will continue to do for you are everywhere I look and all that I see.  And somehow, I get lost.  Lost in what was, and what should have been.  I try.  I reallly really try to not do that.  I fear I will spend the rest of my life being reminded of lost moments and memories.  I know life goes on, others certainly continue to have their lives move forward.  But for every event that someone has now, you don't. The shower was so hard.  I didn't want to be sad, and I refused to make Angela sad on her special day.  I worked hard at it.  But then I cried all the way home and most of the rest of the day.  I went into the basement and looked at all the things I have collected and saved for you and TJ and your children.  The baby furniture, the toys and books and everything that would have been our grandchildren's, are just sitting there, in boxes.  No children, just the boxes.  And I am sad.  And I am so sorry for you. I am so very very sorry that I couldn't make it right.  And now, what do I do with all the childrens' things?
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I miss you every second of every day.  I wonder if you are ok.  I wonder if you are warm and if your belly's full.  I worry that you are cold and hungry and I don't know how to be sure that you are happy and healthy.  I will never be able to stop being your mom and worrying about you.  Until I am with you again, I will worry.  I wish so much that all our chairs were full, that it was the way is used to be.  Now your chair is empty and TJ is on his own.  And I feel like not a realy mom anymore.   I can't take care of my children.  I guess I didn't do a good enough job when I was supposed to.  I didn't save you and I can't make sure  TJ is happy all the time.   How did I fail you so badly?
I will love you forever and every and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom


March 8, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, today was Angela's baby shower.  She got some wonderful gifts, Gianna Jacqueline is a lucky little girl.  She will want for nothing.  She already has more clothes and shoes than I do, and in sizes to grow into.  Her bedroom is so cute, Angela and Jeff have done a wonderful job getting everything ready, and it is decorated like a room from "Better Homes and Gardens"!  I think Angela had a great time and was really happy.  I hope so.  It is a very special time for them.
Love, mom  


March 3, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, March already.  The start of a new month.  Will it be better than last month or worse?  Time.  What does it do for us, what does it mean?  Does time heal?  Does time make the hurt less?  Does time give us a chance to look forward to the future or see our regrets from the past?  I don't really know the answer.  All I know is that time has been my friend and my enemy, sometimes both at the same time.  Time has reminded me of what was.  It has also reminded me of what future time will not be.  Somedays, a lot of them lately,  I just want time to go by quickly so I can go back to bed.  Back to sleep in my own  world of memories.  Time has taken a lot from us, but I won't let it take my memories.  I hang onto them as a lifeline, cherishing the wonderful ones, and trying to not remember the painful ones.  Somedays, the reminders make me so angry and bitter that I think I will start to scream and not be able to stop.  I wonder when.  When will this not be my life.  When will the good days be more than the bad days.  When will I hear good news and not feel sad that it is not Jacquie's good news.  When?  and Why?
My Jacquie, I am so sorry that I am a whiney bad person.  I try.  You don't even know how hard I try to get up everyday and do what you expect me to do.  But it's so hard.  It's so hard to be wanting and wishing for you, knowing that it isn't going to matter.  Knowing that no matter what our dreams were for you, they are not going to come true.  I miss you so much.  I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Please Jacquie, help me to "STAND".  Love, mom


February 28, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, today should have been Billy's 30th birthday.  However, he is not here to celebrate because his life was ended by a bullet from an soldier he was training.  How is that possible that he is not here, just like you?  I cannot find the answers I need.  I cannot understand why death has become our life.  How can it be that  Billy and other soldiers like him continue to die for what cause?  How can death be accepted as part of the plan?  How can your death or Billy's or DJ's or Jonathan's or any of the hundreds of thousands of countless deaths be "God's Plan".  How long do we continue to accept without questions?
Today I went to see Billy at the cemetary before I went to work.  I took him a red rose from you, like I have every year on his birthday, and I took balloons from dad, TJ and I.  And I stayed a while to talk with him.  It was very cold but the sun was out.  I felt him there with me.  I hope he heard what I was saying.  I hope he knows how much he is loved and missed.  Tonight, the Wilson's house will be filled with family and friends celebrating Billy's life.  I will miss you being there with us.
I love you so very much,My Jacquie.  Love forever and ever and always, your mom


February 24, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, we recieved the very very sad news today about Dr. Wetzler.  We were told he had died yesterday.  Oh, how can that be? He went to Colorado on a ski trip with one of his daughters and somehow was injured.  He was in the ICU in the Denver hospital for 2 weeks.  Dr. Wang said everyone was so hopeful that he would be ok.  But he wasn't.  I remember when you first met him.  Dr. Wang was off for the weekend and he was covering the leukemia service for her.  He was so stoic and "scary" you said, he really didn't smile and he was ver quick and to the point with everything he said.  After he left the room, you asked what he said because he was hard to understand with his accent.  I "translated" for you and you laughed.  You said " all those words he spoke and that's all he had to say"?  You thought is was so funny, and so did I.  But as we got to know him, we realized that even though he didn't smile much and rarely made a joke, he did have a sense of humor.  More importantly, you knew he was a great doctor and really cared about you.  You didn't always like what he had to say or to tell you, but he was always honest with you and cared about your feelings.  Roswell will be left with a big hole, one that can never be filled.  He was caring and compassionate about his work and dedicated to his patients, their families and his research.  He gave so much of himself so that he could make a difference.  And he did.  Just like you, his life with not be forgotten.  His legacy will live on and the example he set for his team will continue.  And just like you, the world is a better place for having had Dr. Wetzler in it.  Rest in Peace Dr. Wetzler.
My Jacquie, please let Dr. Wetzler know that we will miss him.  That we will continue to support the LLS that he valued so much.  And remind him how grateful we are for the extra time he let us have with you.  I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom


February 21, 2015 - Dear Jacquie,  I know why I have been feeling so down.  Because of today.  Today is the 7th Second Birthday for you.  It was supposed to be your "new birthday", the day you were given a new life, a new chance to live a "normal " life.  Seven years ago in New York City, we tried to give you a chance at a life that you deserved, a life that a complete stranger gave of herself to assure that you would have.  I am back in that time today.  Remembering every little detail, every word and task that the medical personel said and did, that made us  so sure would lead to a cure for you.  I can see the room and the staff, I can smell how the disinfectant made the room smell like clorox.  I can feel us anxiously waiting for the infusion of new life to start to be put into you.  I can see the IV chamber dripping that precious fluid into your body, begging God and anyone else who would listen to me to please let this be the miracle we needed to save your life.  I begged and pleaded to please let me change places with you.  And I begged and begged and begged to be able to save you.  No matter how much time passes, I will never  be to forgive myself for not saving you.  How could I let that happen.  How could a mother love her child so much but not be able to save her?  How could I let you go?  I am so sorry Jacquie, so very very sorry.
I love you, My Little Girl and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  Love, your mom


February 16, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, dad's home- yea!!  The weather is so cold and depressing. Will is ever warm up again?  Between the snow and the ice and the wind chill factor, I have had enough.  I am tired of shoveling and snow blowing and freezing.  I hope you are warm, My Jacquie.  I wish I was with you.  Love, mom


February 14, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, Happy Valentine's Day My Jacquie.  I miss you.  I have 2 cards for you.  One I will leave with you and one I will write and read to you here.  I liked them both and couldn't decide so I got 2 for you.  I hope you like them.
     To My Daughter-  
     I can't imagine what life would have been like without a daughter like you.
     From the moment I first held you, it was love at first sight,
     and that love has been growing ever since.
     You've always been such a source of pride and joy.
     You've also had your share of challenges,
     but you've always come out on top- smarter, stronger and 
     better than ever.
     Watching you learn and grow into such a wonderful woman
     is one of life's greatest gifts.
     And for every moment you've made better,
     For every memory you've given me,
     For every beautiful thing you are,
     I love you very much.

My Jacquie, you know what we would be doing today if you were here.  I wish you could be here so we could make more memories.  For now, I will spend my day remembering all the wonderful Valentine's Days we have all shared together and I will cherish each and every one. I love you, My Little Valentine.  Love, mom
     

February 10, 2015 - Dear Jacquie,  I took dad to the airport this morning, he left for a week in Florida.  The girls have a meet down there and he is going to check on Nettles Island.  I really don't like it when he is gone, it's lonely.  Plus, something always goes wrong when he is away- the heating, the plumbing, the alarms, something always happens.  It wasn't as bad when TJ was still around, because I could call him if I needed help or advice.  But now that he isn't here anymore, I can't do that.  I really miss him.  I feel so alone.  I feel sad and alone.  I miss you, My Jacquie.  Love, mom


February 8, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, the boy's challenge meet was today.  It is no longer part of the foundation events, we decided that the amount of work we were putting into it was  worth what we were getting out of it.  We decided our time and energy would be better spent on the other events, especially the Tinker Ball.  I know you must be disappointed that we have done this but we really have to start to consider how our time is best spent for you and the foundation.  We want to concentrate on what is best for the foundation's future and how we can meet out goals and expectations.  If we are going to step it up to the next level, we have to make some difficult decisions, and letting go of the boys meet was one of them.  I hope you understand, My Jacquie, and that you aren't too upset with us.  Please know, every decision we make for you and the foundation is thought through and dicussed over and over until we are sure we are doing the right thing.  Sometimes we have to take a chance but we always think of what is best for you and the foundation first.  
My Sweet Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my sould.  I love you the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky.  The place you hold in my heart will be yours forever, and forever in my heart you will live.  Love, your mom, your BFF


February 5, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, memories are everywhere.  Maybe it's the month, maybe the weather, maybe because I am feeling so down, but it seems as though the memories are everywhere I go and in everything I do.  The book we recieved at the Pediatric Remembrance Ceremony at Roswell in October talked about memories.   One of the quotes said that memories are "the places we have been".  And isn't that the truth.  We have our past that we hold dear to us, the good times and the bad.  The past reminds us of what was and prepares us for what is to be.  The memories give us something to hold onto and cherish when the things that should have been, never happen.  Our memories give us a chance to see that our lives have meaning and that we all leave something behind when we are gone.  You, My Jacquie, are the very best of any memory I hold in my heart.  The memories I cherish keep me alive and dreaming about the new memories we will make when we are all together again.  The memories I cherish allow me to cry and to laugh when I think of all our times together and to hope that your memories do the same for you.  I want more memories with you.  I want all the "should have beens" with you.  Mostly, I want to know why we will not have any new memories with you here, where you belong.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  It is cold here today, are you warm enough?  I wish I could make you hot chocolate with whipped creme and marshmellows.  I wish we could snuggle on the couch and eat and watch movies.  I wish I could hold you tight and show you how much I love you.  Love, your mom forever


February 1, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, a new month.  A new chance at what?  Changes and the possiblilty that things will get "better" at work?  I don't think so.  It hasn't happened yet, I can't see it happening now.  A new month. Great.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I worry about you still and I always will.  I worry that you aren't warm enough.  That you are hungry.  That you are tired or sick.  I don't know anything about you now, and it hurts not to be able to take care of you and make sure you have everything you need.  I know you would tell me if you could, but it is so hard not knowing.  It was what I did, who I am, to take care of you and dad and TJ.  And now, you are gone and TJ doesn't need me and dad is still dad.  How can I be who I am meant to be?  What am I going to do?  We will always be 4, I want to be 4 now.  I love you Jacquie.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul, with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  Every day you are with me, if you could only let me know you are there.  Love, your mom


January 30, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, I found the words to a song while reading through a book about grief.  I don't know if I have written you these words before, but if I have, it's ok because they still mean so much.  The song is called "To Where You Are".

     Who can say for certain
     Maybe you're still here
     I feel you all around me
     Your memory's so clear

     Deep in the stillness
     I can hear you speak
     You're still an inspiration
     Can it be
     That you are mine
     Forever Love
     And you are watching over me from up above

     Fly me up to where you are
     Beyond the distant star
     I wish upon tonight
     To see you smile
     If only for a while to know you are there 
     A breath away's not far 
     To where you are

     Are you gently sleeping
     Here inside my dream
     And isn't faith BELIEVING
     All power can't be seen
     
     As my heart holds you
     Just one beat away
     I cherish all you gave me everyday
     'Cause you are my Forever Love
     Watching me from up above

     And I BELIEVE
     That angels breathe
     And that love will live on and never leave
     
     Fly me up
     To where you are
     Beyond the distant star
     I wish upon tonight
     To see you smile
     If only for a while
     To know you're there
     A breath away's not far
     To where you are

     I know you're there
     A breath away's not far
     To where you are

My Jacquie, I love you.  Love, mom


January 27, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, well- the meet is over and it was a success.  We ran all 9 sessions on time or ahead of schedule.  The judges were fast and generous and we definitely had the "A" team.  The meet was a lot of work, but we had a lot of really great people to make everything go smoothly.  We are luckier than most gyms because we have parents who do what needs to be done to make it work.  We don't have to bribe or threaten to get what we need.  For the most part, are parents are great when it comes to putting on a fantastic meet event.  I don't know how much the Foundation raised from the meet, it will take a couple weeks to have the numbers finalized, but whatever we raised, it was more than we had before the meet and it will be used to give patients and their families some extra money to help ease the financial burden of dealing with cancer.
My Sweet Baby Girl, I miss you and I love you.  Not a day, and hour, a moment goes by that I don't miss you.  Yes, "life" has gone on, but for me, I am with you in the life we had.  I know what people probably think and I don't care.  Let them think and say what they want.  They are not me and they do not have to "move on" without  you.  What I do care about is letting them know that unless they have walked in our shoes, they have no right to judge us.  I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  My heart will always beat for you, for that is where you live.  Love, your mom and BFF


January 22, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, it is 11pm and dad and I just got home from the gym.  We spent the whole day getting ready and setting up for your meet.  Tomorrow and for the next 3 days, the gym will host over 610 gymnasts at the 7th Annual Jacquie Hirsch Memorial Girls Buffalo Challenge Gymnastic Meet.  We have been preparing for this since September and I hope we are ready for it.  We are very lucky to have some really great parents who work hard and don't complain- they just do what has to get done.  Last year we had more than 100 gymnasts from the previous year and again this year, we are up almost another 100.  We have gone from a one day, 2 session meet to a full 3 day, 9 session meet in the past 5 years.  It is a lot of work and it takes a lot of people to make it work, but it is for you and your foundation, so we do whatever we need to do to make sure it succeeds.  I am worried about the weather.  If the weather is bad and some people can't make it to the meet, we will be disappointed.  We have great awards, thanks to Rose and everyone at Tony Martin Awards, and our T-shirts this year are the very best- they are AMAZING, thanks to John and Matt at Signworks.  I am very pleased with this years tag line "Tink Big".  I know the kids will  love it, plus- the shirts are purple!.  Carolyn is preparing wonderful meals for the judges and we have the "A" team judging the meet this year.  Sheryl and Kristen have the scoring ready to go and the booster club is on top of their game.  WE can do this, WE will do this.  For you. Again. Always.  I hope you are pleased with the results and proud of us.  I will never be able to stop worrying about you being proud of how we honor you.  Disappointing you is something I couldn't live with.  So, My Jacquie, if you could just help out with the weather a little, we will handle the rest.  We will try so hard for you.
My Jacquie, I love you and I miss you.  I miss you because you are my daughter, my little girl, my BFF.  You are my heart and soul.  And in my heart you will live forever.  Love, your mom


January 18, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, tonight dad and I went out to dinner with TJ.  We went to Rocco's for pizza using the gift certificate we received at Christmas from the Level 4 team.  You were missd.  The table seated 4, your chair was empty.  It was nice to spend time with TJ, you should have been with us.  He is starting a new job, a new phase of his life tomorrow, and I'm sure he wanted you to be with us.  He would have been waiting for you to give him your special words of wisdom, advice and encouragement.  He would have listened to you and he would have felt so happy to have you care about him and what changes he is making in his life.  And he would have laughed and joked with you, and you two would have carried on full conversations using only quotes from your favorite movies.  Yes, you should have been with us.  I know TJ misses you and the way you two were able to share so much.  Please look out for him, help him to see how special he is and how proud we all are of him.  He is an amazing person and he loves you so very much.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul,  I love you with all that I am and all that I ever will be.  You are the light that takes me out of the darkness on my worst days.  You reach down from heaven and you touch my heart to let me know that I can get through one more day, even though I don't want to.  Tonight, I will wait for you in my dreams.  Please come to me, I need you to be with me always.  Love, your mom


January 16, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, this morning I went to Lucy's school to watch her fourth grade musical.  She wrote me a cute invitation, asking me to come if I could.  I was happy that I could go and see her.  She did a great job, her speaking part went so well and I was very proud of her.  I sat in the audience with a couple parents and so many grandparents.  I wondered what it would be like to be watching my grandchild.  How would it be to go to plays, and school concerts and dance recitals and gymnastic meets to watch your child or TJ's doing something special.  I  would bring flowers, or a special treat, like I did for Lucy and I would tell everyone who I came to watch.   What does the future hold for me?  I have wanted to be a grandma since you and TJ were born.  Would I be a "Bree" or a "Mimi" or just "grama"?  
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  For all that I was before I was a mom,  I became so much more when you and TJ were born.  Complete.  You made my life complete.  And now, I will not be comlete until we are all together again.  I am who I am because we are 4, now and forever.  Love, your mom


January 14, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, you are on my mind always.  I am constantly thinking about all the "gifts" you gave to all of us.  Your kindness and wisdom, your joy and happiness, your teachings and guidance, your love and your laughter.  And always I think of all the things I wish I could give to you.
The gifts of beautiful tomorrows, hope, spreading smiles, enthusiasm, a lifetime of learning and teaching, friendships, wonder, optimism, honor, happiness, good health and most of all love forever.
My Jacquie, days go by and I miss you more.  I love you more.  And I need you more.  I never knew how hard it would be to love after you died.  I know now.  And I know more than ever, that I WILL love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.   I know that someday when the 4 of us are together again, only then will I truly be complete again.  Only then, will I be happy like I used to be, when you were here with us.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom


January 10, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, rough day, horrible week.  Just want to stay home for the rest of tonight until I have to be at the gym at 10am Monday morning.  Maybe you can come to visit me.  I would really love to have to talk to me and tell me everything is going to be ok.  Most days, I think "it couldn't possibly be worse than this tomorrow", and then it is.
My Jacquie, I miss you so much.  I miss everything about you- your laughter, your smile, your courage and your wisdom.  I miss talking with you and singing with you.  I miss going shopping and having luch with you.  I miss it all and more.  And I want it back.  I love you.  Love, your mom


January 6, 2015 - Dear Jacquie, bad day, sad day.  Needing a "Tink Wink" so much today.  If you can, please send me some strength to get up tomorrow and get through another day.  Not sure I can do it without you.  Love, mom


January 2, 2015 - Dear Dad, Happy Happy Birthday!  I know it is your birthday but I am the one with the wishes.  I wish I was there with you to celebrate.  I wish I was there to give you a huge hug and kiss.  I wish I was there to decorate the house with balloons and signs like I used to.  I wish I was there to make you a cake and then help you eat it.  I wish I was there to watch you open your presents.  I wish I was there to sing "Happy Birthday" (poorly probably) to you.  More than anything, I wish I was there to tell you how much I miss you, how proud I am to be your daughter and how very much I miss you.  Happy Birthday Dad, with love from "your little Jacquie Hirsch".


December 31, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie,  It is New Year's Eve.  Dad and I are at White Oaks.  We are sharing memories of when we four used to come here and spend time swimming, playing tennis, watching movies eating and having fun.  I hope you remember those times and that those memories are happy ones for you.  It's hard to be here without you and TJ.  He is having a party at his house tonight and I am sure he wishes you were there with him to ring in the new year.  We are all doing what we have to do, with wanting to do it.  We miss you so much Jacquie, and the new year won't change that.  I hope that this year, we can continue to show you how much we love you and how much we are willing to do for you, in your memory and in your honor.
Happy New Year, My Sweet Daughter Jacqueline Elisabeth.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.
Love your mom, the one who recieved the greatest gift of all. You.


December 28, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie,  The Bills Party was today.  Our last Foundation event of the year.  We had a good crowd and it went well.  I think everyone had a good time.  Thanks for the win Jacquie.  It's the first time they have won a game at the Bills Party, plus it was against New England so I know you had something to do with it!!  We were invited to Aunt Val and Uncle Bob's for a Christmas party after the Bills Party was over but I just couldn't do it.  I have reached the end of what I can do.  I can't do any more right now.  I have no more to give and I just want to be alone with you tonight.  I have missed you so much and have had to be away from home so much lately that I feel like I just don't ever want to leave again.  I know I will have to, of course, but I just need to be at home, with you, until I can find the strength to deal with everything  that is ahead.  Jacquie, I could use a visit from you, a dream, and "Tink Wink", a penny, a rainbow, a hawk- anything to let me know that you are with me.  There is only so much inside me and when it is gone, I am afraid I will be too.  
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  Thankfully, the holidays are almost over.  I try to feel the way I used to when you were here with us, and enjoy the season and celebrating and shopping and decorating, but I just can't.  It's not there in my heart anymore.  Maybe someday it will come back, but I feel so empty without you here with me.  You are in my thoughts and my heart always, you are part of everything I say and do.  You are always going to be.  I will try harder, but I could use a little help if you can.  Don't leave me alone.  Don't leave me to find my way back without you.  I love you, My Daughter, I love you to the moon and back and beyond.  And someday, I will hold you again, and I will NEVER let you go.  I will NEVER fail you again.  Love, your mom


December 25, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, Merry Christmas to My Angel.  My Jacquie, my heart is breaking in a million pieces.  I missed you so much today.  TJ came over for breakfast with dad and I, but your chair was empty.  We opened gifts, but I had to open yours and read the cards to you.  I hope you like the things I bought for you.  I wish you had been here to open them.  We went to Danielle and Matts for a little while, but I was sad without you.  I just wanted to come home and be with you.  I love you, My Jacquie.  I wish I could be with you now.  When you look down from heaven tonight, send me some couragae and strength because I just want to give up.  It gets harder  and harder because there is so much for you to have done here and now you won't get the chance.  Why did you have to leave us?    I love you.  Love, your mom forever


December 21, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, today was the Christmas party at Bree's.  I missed you so much.  I can't understand how it is possible that you are not with us.  You belong with us- at every party, at every celebration, anywhere, everywhere, all the time.  Why aren't you still with us?  We opened gifts, we ate and drank and we missed you.  The best part of the day was when Angela and Jeff announced that the new baby they are expecting is going to be a girl.  And Jacquie, her name is Gianna Jacqueline.  They have decided you give their daughter your name.  I can't even begin to put into words how that makes me feel.  When Dniella and Matt named Molly Jacqueline after you, we were so honored and amazed.  And now, again, your cousins will honor you in the most special and cherished ways.  So for all the tears shed for missing you, tears of joy were shed in honor of you.  You see Jacquie, your family will not let you be forgotten.  I am unable to put how I feel into words, but if you look into my heart, you will see what my voice cannont say.
My Jacquie.  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You showed me the true meaning of the word "courage" and I try so hard to be courageous for you.  You taught me how to be strong when weakness was overtaking me, and I look to you to give me more strength when I am at my lowest.  You gave us never-ending love, and I try to give that back to you everyday in my life.  You made us proud of the woman you were and the inspiration you gave to everyone who knew your story, and now I try to make you proud of me and inpire others to carry on your fight.  I am wating for the time when we are all together again, when I can hold you and hug you and kiss you and love you.  Until then, I will hope you know how sorry I am that I failed you and how hard I am trying to make you proud of me.  I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that, Love, your mom, your BFF


December 17, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie,  last night was one of the most memorable "events" the Foundation has ever done.  We went down to Roswell to make our check presentations.  We presented $5,000 towards your Jacquie Hirsch Research Fund, then we gave them the first installlment ($10,000) on our $50,000 committment to the Oishei Children's Hospital for the room which will be named in your honor on the pediatric oncology floor.  We then passed out $2,500 in gift cards to patients and families so they could have some extra help over the holidays.  I had purchased gift cards from Tops, NOCO, Walmart and Toys 'R Us- a total of 60 gift cards.  Some of the dancers who helped to raise all the money at Dancers Give Back came with us for the presentation.  It was a very emotional night for all of us, but I think especially for the girls.  They hadn't realized what Roswell really is, the kind of patients that are there and the heartache that is their lives.  Many of the girls cried the whole time we were there.  But we feel it was a great experiance for them, they were able to see firsthand what their hard work and effort can accomplish.  They saw what it meant to the patients and families, to be remembered over the holidays and to be given a gift born of friendship and love.  We have decided that we will definately do this every Christmas and if possible , maybe another time during the year.  The patients and the families need more than help with medical expenses.  People don't realize all the other costs incurred when a loved one in recieiving cancer treatment on a long term basis.  There is gas for the car and travel expenses, babysitting costs, parking garage costs, food and clothing that still must be purchased and on and on.  These costs are not picked up by medical insurance and if there is no money coming in, it becomes a desparate struggle to keep a family going.  We were honored and excited to be able to give back, to share what we have been given with those who need it most.  That is the direction we hope to go in for the futrue.  You see, Jacquie, you have taught us to always pay it forward,  and that is what we will do.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  As the holidays get closer, I get more depressed.  I just want them to be over.  This, our seventh Christmas without you is no easier than the first one.  No matter what people say, time does not change that.  Your stocking hangs over the fireplace, but you will not be reaching inside of it to see what little goodies have been left for you.  The memories are endless, but so is the sadness.  I hope you are proud of what we have done, and how we have honored your memory.  I am so sorry that I couldn't make you better so that you could be here with us.  I am so sorry I failed.  But I will not fail you and your dream.  We will make a difference and you will remain someone who's name means something.  You are Jacqueline Elisabeth Hirsch and no one will ever forget you, not as long as I have the ability to make it so.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, om


December 13, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, Today is Shelby's birthday.  She is 11 years old.  It's hard to believe that it was that long ago that you picked her out of a litter of 10 little puppies, and she picked your lap to cuddle in and claim for her own.  Whatever is was that put the two of you together, it was truly a blessing.  She is such a great dog, she is family.  You two had so many wonderful times together and I know how happy you made eachother.  I still spend time looking at pictures of you and TJ and Shelby and they make me smile and laugh.   Some of them make me cry, but all of them remind me of happy times that we had.  I know that to this day, she still misses you.  Shelby still goes into your room and looks for you.  She walks around and sniffs your things, as if she can find you.  Sometimes I feel you are there with her, because she acts different.  She acts as if she and I are not the only ones in the room.  Are you with us then Jacquie?  Are you in your room when we are there, standing near us and seeing how much we miss you?  Can you let me know you are there?  Can you whisper "mom"?  Can you brush your hand over my face?  Can you touch me?  Please try.  
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  As the day closes, I am hoping that sleep brings you to me.  That my dreams are filled with you and you can stay with me for the night.  I hope that  tonight is the night I have been waiting for.  But if you can't come tonight, I will still wait as long as it takes.  I will wait for you until you can come to me.  And I will love you forever.  Love, mom


December 10, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, terrible day, I'm glad it's over.  I will wait for you in my dreams.  love, mom


December 8, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, last night dad and I went on an overnight to Geneva On The Lake for our anniversary.  We have had the gift certificate since last Christmas but haven't had time to use it.  Since dad was gone for our real anniversary day in Syracuse for a meet, we didn't go out for our anniversary dinner at Salvatore's.  The hotel we stayed at was really nice and we had a beautiful room with a very pretty view of the lake.  We were the only guests for dinner and we had a nice time.  Time.  Something we have so little of.  It was relaxing to not have to answer phones, coach, or even talk if we didn't want to.  Just to be able to do nothing for a few hours was such a treat.  I hope we can do it again soon.  Time is a precious thing, I wish it didn't go so fast sometimes.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  I promise to try harder to not be angry and sad, and instead, be more grateful for the time we had with you and the memories you shared with us.  I promise to never stop trying to make you proud of me, and to never fail you again.  And I promise to love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  We love you, My Jacquie.    Love, mom


December 5, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, today is dad and my anniversary.  We have been married for 34 years.  It doesn't seem that long.  Sometimes it seems like only yesterday that we had our beautiful wedding.  It was a cold day, but no snow.  We wanted a winter wedding but were worried that a snowstorm or blizzard would ruin everything.  But the day was perfect.  Do you remember when you came home from Sloan Kettering and you wanted to see my wedding dress?  You said you would wear it someday.  I was so happy that you wanted to wear my dress.  I  knew that when the time came, you might decide not to, that you would want something new of your own.  But that was ok.  You made me happy just even considering it.
Your dad and I have been through a lot- ups and downs and in-betweens.  But throughout it all, there is no one in the world that I would ever want to spend my life with.  Your dad is a wonderful, amazing man.  He is thoughtful and generous and loving.  He is the very best father I could have ever hoped for, for you and TJ.  I don't know if you ever realized how much he loves you and TJ.   Someday, when we are all together again, we will be able to share our love without time or distance between us.  Until then, your dad and I will love each other and love you and TJ with all our hearts and souls.  And I hope everyday, you feel the love that we feel for you.  No matter what the future holds, The 4 Hirschs will alway be one.  And we will never ever let our love for each other fade, instead we will nourish it so that it grows with every passing day.
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you so much.  I wait for you to come to me, especially at this time of year.  I cry so easily and my tears are for you and what will not be.  They are also for what was, and the memories that hold me together.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom


December 3, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, a new month.  The month of "holidays".  Yes.  I know. The holidays are supposed to be filled with joy and happiness, with old memories remembered and new memories made.  But this year will be just like the last 6 have been.  Lonely and so very sad without you.  I try.  I really do.  I went to the mall to start looking for gifts.  And as I walked along, I saw people laughing and smiling and having a great time.  And I saw moms with their daughters, carrying loads of packages.  And if those daughters were anything like you, most of the packages were things for the daughter!  As much as I do not like to shop, shopping with you or TJ was a wonderful time.  We laughed and smiled and ate food that we probably had too much of.  Shopping with you and TJ made me happpy, it made my heart sing with new memories and love that would overwhelm me.  And now, I have to watch others.  Now, I have to shop for gifts without you.  Now, I buy gifts for you that you will never open.  I open them for you and put them out for you to see.  So that you will know that you are so terribly missed, and endlessly loved.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  Please stay with me for this "holiday season".  I want it to be over soon, I want it to be the way it was when you were here with us, I want to shop with you and have lunch with you.  And I know, life doesn't give us what we want no matter how much we try to make it happen.  Every year, dad asks me what I want for Christmas.  And every year I tell him, "nothing".  I just want to be with you.  I love you Jacquie.  Love, your mom


November 30, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, Today is a day for you to celebrate with us.  Mary Alice, Ali and Julie came to the Center to present us with the check from Dancers Give Back.  Jacquie, they raised $51,000!!!!  Can you BELIEVE it?  It doesn't seem possible that they could raise more than they did last year, and yet- they did.  All the time, effort and work they put into it made it possible.  Dad, TJ and I were stunned.  Marie and Joshie were here visiting with us at the same time, and I think they were stunned too.  Wow, Jacquie.  How do we evern begin to say thank you?   How do we express our gratitude to them and everyone who made it such a success?  Can you even imagine how many families are going to have a better Christmas this year because of DGB?  It is truly amazing what you continue to achieve .  There are really Angels among us.  Thank you DGB.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  You have given us wonderful people to share our lives with and to help us continue your work.  I am sure neither you or Ali ever dreamed that your meeting each other and developing a friendship would ever lead to where it has today.  Sometimes, we question why things happen.  I do it all the time.  But for you and Ali,  I think the answer to why you two met and became friends is pretty apparent.  Somebody knew that someday, you would need a friend to carry on the work that you started.  Ali was that somebody.  Everyone should have an Ali in their life.  Jacquie, I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom forever


November 27, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie,  dad is at Nana and Grandpa's, TJ has gone home and everyone else has left.  Now it is just you and me and Shelby.   Happy Thaksgiving My Sweet Daughter.  Oh Jax, how I missed you today.  I missed having you pick at all the food before it made it to the table.  I missed watching you and TJ put olives on all your fingers and pretending they were finger puppets.  I missed watching you enjoy the whole meal and then still finding room for dessert.  I missed snuggling with you on the couch when we were too full to get up and do anything.  I missed you telling me that Thanksgiving is your favorite holiday because there is so much great food. (And then you would tell me the same thing at Christmas!).  I miss you, My Angel.  Love forever and ever and always, mom


November 24, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie,  tonight is the last night of classes until Dec. 1st.  Teams still have practice tomorrow and Wed., and then they are also off until the 1st.  I can't wait.  I feel so frustrated with all that has been going on here at the gym.  i feel that if I don't get a break for at least a couple of days I will just start crying and not be able to stop.  The holidays are so hard, so difficult to "get through".  If I never had to "celebrate" another one, I would be just fine with that.  Yes, Jacquie, I know.  That is the talk of a coward.  Yes, Jacquie, I am one.  I would just as soon forget holidays so that I don't have to be reminded that you are not here with us to "celebrate" them.  It gets harder and harder to accept that what should be happening in your life now, will never be.  I can only be "up" for so long and then I crash when the hurt gets to be too much.  I think of how I could be Christmas shopping for my grandchildren now.  I think of how wonderful holidays would have been with all of us together to share time and make new memories.  And then I think of what has really become our lives.  I am sad for TJ and I am sad for all of us.  I wish I could be the person you want me to be and the person dad and TJ deserve.  I wish things at the gym were different, the way they used to be before everything with parents became an "issue" or an "emergency".  We have so many great parents but the not so great ones are really bringing me down and I am at the end of what I can deal with.  I need help, My Jacquie, to find some peace and happiness again, in a sport that used to bring me such joy and satisfaction.  Where did it all go?  Why did you have to leave us/
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky.  I love you with each beat of my heart and with every breath I take.  You, dad and TJ are the very most important people in my life.  Without you, I am nothing, I have nothing, I can be nothing.  Please try to come to visit me in my dreams- it has been so long since I have heard your voice and your laughter.  It has been so long since I have held you in my arms and squeezed you so tight so that I would never have to let you go.  Please Jacquie.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom


November 22, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, last night was the Vera Party- the seventh one!!  Remember the first one you had?  It was so much fun and everyone enjoyed themselves so much that you decided it should be an annual event.  And it is.  For you.  Debbie and the Perfect Gift staff, once again, outdid themselves stocking the shelves and storerooms with tons of Vera and wonderful unique items to be purchased for holiday gifts.  We all had a good time, dad was even able to make it.  We didn't think he would be able to be there (very disappointing) because he had to be in Rochester for a meet.  But luckily, for us, the Friday night session was cancelled due to the snowstorm, so he was able to be there (yea).  In spite of the weather, which kept many of our "regular" attendees home, we had a good crowd.  Of course, dad did his huge staff shopping and had a great time picking out gifts for the women on staff.  I managed to get a lot of my Christmas shopping done too.  They have so many great gifts- items that are one of a kind and can't be found anywhere else.  It is a great place to go anytime of year for gifts, but especially at Christmastime.  I hope you like the things I picked out.  And yes, I did find some new Vera for myself.  After all, it is for a terrific cause.  We are grateful to Debbie and her staff for continuing to support the you and your Foundation by hosting this wonderful event each year.  They are truly friends of the Foundation.  I hope you are proud of us.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you so very much.  You are the sun in the sky, and the rainbows after a rain shower. You are the laughter of a child and the smile that lights up my world.  In you, I see all that I wish I could be.  In you, I see hope for the future.  In you, I see what could have been but will never be except in my dreams.  In you, I see love.
I will love you forever, My Jacquie.  mom


November 18, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, This was sent to me, and now, I send it to you.

     I am your biggest fam.
     I will always defend you.
     I will get angry.
     I will get frustrated.
     I will be proud of you.
     I will be your confidant.
     I will love you unconditionally,
     because forever and alway,
     I am your mom.

I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, YOUR mom
     

November 16, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, today was the 6th Annual Clinic For A Cure.  As always, Larry did an amazing job setting it up, recruiting judges and coaches to volunteer their time and doing everything else himself to insure that this clinic was a success.  And it was.  It was amazing.  One hundred and seventy little girls, here in our gym- flipping, jumping, tumbling, dancing and bouncing to their hearts content.  It was a fun day, I wish you had been here.  I wish you had been here to watch the little ones who were so excited and so enthusiastic to learn.  That is you.  The teaching and the learning, the sharing and the giving.  That is who you are, who you were meant to be.  All the joy in the gym was for you.  Larry and the staff explained why we hold the clinic, but I have to think that many of the gymnasts are too young to actually understand what it really meant.  But the hope is that someday, when they do understand, they will continue the mission and follow in your footsteps.  Jacquie, we are so very proud of you.  When I think of all you left behind, the memories of you teaching children, whether in a classroom or the gym, are the ones that bring me comfort.  Those memories remind me that there is still a little part of you in every child you ever taught.  The best parts of you, you gave to "your" children.
MyJacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You are the rays of sun that break through the clouds on my darkest days,  I know that lately, the days have been difficult and I have never been so close to giving up as I am now.  But I WILL keep trying as long as you are with me.  I realize that I am not strong and have not enough courage to keep fighting all the problems in my life unless I know you are with me.  Your dad, TJ and I all need you with us.  It is stll hard, the empty chair, the events where there are only 3 of us there.  But as long as we know that you are still our fourth, we can all keep going the best we can.  I can't fail you again.  All my love, your mom


November 11, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, a horrible day today.   Came home early from the gym, am going to bed and hopefully you will visit me in my dreams.  I really need to see you, My Jacquie.  I miss you so very much, today is hurt so bad.  I love you.  Love, mom


November 8, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, Dancers Give Back was today and once again, it was AMAZING.  I am sure you saw it from heaven- the hundreds of little and big girls, all dancing for you.  The baskets and silent auction items were just fabulous.  The time and work and effort that Ali, Mary Alice,AJ and all the parent, dancers and studios put into holding this event is truly incredible.  It makes me so sad that you were never able to be at one, to be there dancing and singing and eating with all the children that you have inspired.  They look up to you even though they have never met you.  They listen to stories about you and they ask questions about you so that they will know the person that you were and still are.  So many of your sisters from SDT drove down from Geneseo to support you and Ali.  And Shannon came to.  I hope you saw her Jacquie.  She has grown into quite a young lady.  She is beautiful inside and out, and although she is still having to go back for rechecks, she is in remission.  And, she loves you,  She remembers what you did for her and that will always be a very special memory that she says she will hold close in her heart forever.  You continue to amaze us, Jacquie, and our pride knows no end.  You will forever be remembered and never forgotten.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with each breath that I take and every beat of my heart.  When I look up into the night sky.  I see the stars and know that you are the brightest star that shines among them.  And in the morning when I look up into the sky at the sun, I know you are the brightest of the sunbeams.  Dad, TJ and I miss you so much.  Sometimes we laugh when we remember things that you did or said and it seems at those times that you are right next to us.  We hold onto you so tight, because you are what holds the 4 Hirschs together.  We are one, and always will be.  I love you, My Jacquie,  mom


November 4, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie,  I am not sure if I have written this to you before, but I saw it this morning and wanted you to have it.  This is called: Before I was a mom.

        I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
        I didn't worry about whether or not my plants were poisonous.
        I never thought about immunizations.
        Before I was a mom.

        I had never been puked on.
        Pooped on. 
        Chewed on.
        Peed on.
        I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
        I slept all night.
        Before I was a mom.

        I never held down a screaming child so a doctor could do tests.
        Or give shots.
        I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
        I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
        I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
        Before I was a mom.

        I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him or her down
        I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
        I never knew that I could love someone so much.
        I never knew how much I would love being a mom.
        Before I was a mom.

My Sweet Jacquie, I never was, until I was a mom.  I was only part of me until I was a mom.  I never knew that there was part of me missing until I was a mom.  I never knew that life couldn't be complete without my children, until I was a mom.  MOM- the 3 most important letters in my life.
I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.
Love, your mom


November 1, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie,  yesterday was Halloween.  I spent a good part of the day looking at pictures of you and TJ in years past, in your Halloween costumes.  Some of my favorite ones are from when you were in college!  Molly Jacqueline and Olivia came over last night to trick or treat in our neighborhood, but it was so cold they weren't out too long.  It was fun to have them there, but  I missed you being there with us.  I know how much joy and happiness you would have spending time with them and watching them answer the door to the kids who came to our house for treats.  I spent time today thinking what it would have been like if you had been married and were bringing your children over to our house to show us their costumes and have them spend time with us.  Then I would be spending time with my grandchildren instead of borrowing Sheryl's.  The little table and chairs I bought years ago to have in our kitchen when you and TJ would bring your children over sits empty.  Just like your chair at our kitchen table.  It is empty.   I wish......
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I know that you hear me, I know that you listen to my crying and see my tears and you don't want me to be that way.  But everyday, there are reminders and it is so hard to forget what has been lost.  I miss you in my life- your smile, your laughter, your happiness and the joy you shared with everyone around you.  I miss talking things over with you and having you share your words of advice with me.  For someone so young, you had a lifetime of wisdom to share.  Somedays I am so lonely to talk to you that I would give anything to be with you.  Your chair is still empty , your clothes and shoes are still in your closet and drawers, and presence is everywhere around me in the house.   But so is the pain and the lonliness.  Jacquie, I love you to the moon and back, and I will forever.  Love, mom


October 30, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, today was a terrible day.  I wish I was with you.  Love, mom


October 27, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, today dad and I went to Mrs. Burton's funeral.  It was sad, as funerals always are.  No matter how old the person is who died, the ending of ashe  life leaves a saddness behind.  Some people will say things like "well, she lived a full and happy life".  I guess that is true, but is it supposed to make it easier to accept? Maybe, but I don't think so.  Being at funerals and wakes brings the pain back, time has not changed that.  I remember bits and pieces of the days we said our goodbyes to you, some of the memories are sharp and clear, but there are also large pieces of time that I cannot recall anything.  These blanks are times when I think I must have shut down in order to keep going.  But I remember the pain.  I remember the agony of knowing you were taken from us and not being able to find you.  I wish I never had to go to another funeral or wake again, but I realize that is a hope that will never be fulfulled.  We have gone to so many this year, and I know there will be more.  I try to picture you there with me, holding my hand and telling me that I am not alone, that I am not without you and that you really will never leave me.  And that is what I hold onto.
My Sweet Little Girl, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I am capable of ever being.  You are my sunshine, and in you, I find the light to make it to the end of my darkest days.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom


October 23, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, tonight was the Ride For Roswell Awards ceremony.  For the first time in 6 years, I couldn't go.  I couldn't go to see your Foundation team recieve the plaque that said we raised $26,425.25.  We placed 17th out of over 600 teams!!!!!!!.  And again, we were complemented on our "wings".  But I couldn't be there because I couldn't get a sub for my team workout.  And because I felt that it would be wrong to give one coach all the girls.  But you know what?  I should have gone and said the heck with it.  Why?  Because most of the workout was spent listening to girls whine and complain and make excuses as to why they couldn't or didn't want to do what was asked of them.   I don't know if it was the weaather, the end of the week let down or what, but the workout went poorly for many of the girls and they didn't seem to care.  The more we encouraged and pushed them to complete their assignments, the more they complained.  I know what you would tell me-"it's up to them to commit to the wrkout, the coaches can't do it for them".  But it's hard to accept that we want it more than some of them do.
My Jacquie, it's time for bed, time to sleep and wait for you to visit me.  Time to let go of the day and hope that tomorrow is better.  You have taught us to BELIEVE.  Sometimes that is such a hard word.  Sometimes it would be easier to give up.  I love you, My Jacquie.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  Love, mom


October 19, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, yesterday dad and I went down to Geneseo for the Fall "Dodge-A-Ball For All tournament.  As always, it was great to go there and spen time with your SDT"sisters" and all the kids who come out to support you and your Foundation.  It is amazing and heartwarming to listen to all the girls talk about you as if they knew you- even though not one of them ever met you!  They have such a good time playing, some of them are so competative that I worry someone might get hurt!  They love the T shirts we give to the winning top two teams and get really excited to see what new color we made them.  It is humbling to know that all these kids give up their Sunday afternoon for you.  Your "sisters" are so much like you, full of life and love.  They are hoping to bring a few carloads of girls up to Dances Give Back on Nov. 8th.  It is so nice to be there with them, but hard because they never will know the you they are doing this all for.  Your memory lives on at Geneseo and you should be proud of the legacy you have left behind.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you more than words will ever be able to express.  I am not a writer, I never will be.  My regret is that you will never hear the words my heart wants to say to you because I don't know how to say them.  Just know that my heart beats for you and my heart will always be your home.  I love you Jacquie.  Love, mom


October 16, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, this is for you-
          
                         Although we seem so far apart,
                         You are always here within our hearts.
                         You filled our lives with joy and pleasure,
                         You are to us, a precious treasure.
                         A little while shall pass and then,
                         We'll see each other once again.
                          Loved, remembered and held so dear,
                          In our minds and hearts you're always here.

Love, mom
               

October 13, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, Is it the time of year or just the time of life that makes these days so hard to get through?  I always had hoped that parts of our lives would get, a least a little, easier as we got older.  But you know, it hasn't.  It has gotten harder.  I have tried to understand why,- why everything has to be a issue, a problem, a cause for complaint.  It seems that lately, people aren't happy unless they are complaining, finding fault or assigning blame.  Some parents are not happy unless they are making those around them unhappy.  Why should it be so hard to pay a compliment instead of a complaint?  Why can't some parents encourage and give positive feedback to their child(ren) instead of chipping away at their self confidence by putting them down with negative comments?  Why do parents allow their children to treat them rudely so that that child feels it is ok to treat all adults rudely?  I know this doesn't apply to everyone, but it seems that the number of parents who need parenting classes is growing.  Being a parent means helping your child grow into a responsible, respected adult.  It does not mean acting like their friend and giving them everything they want.  It means teaching them to work for what they want and work towards goals, not letting them grow up with a sense that they are entitiled to have anything without working for it.  We have so many wonderful families here at the gym.  It's too bad that the ones we hear most from are the ones who only want to complain.
I am not sure if I have written this poem to you before, but I found it in an article I was reading and thought it was something that parents should teach their children.  No title, no author.

            Promise that you will never settle for anything less than extraordinary
                                       Because that's what you are
            Promise that you will never forget who you are
                                       Because you are beautiful- inside and out
            Promise that you will never forget to BELIEVE in yourself
                                       Because it will help you achieve your dreams
            Promise that you will always reach for the stars
                                       Because, My Dear Daughter, you can do anything

My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with every beat of my heart and every breath I take.  You are the sunshine on my darkest days. and you are the moonlight that shines during my sad nights.  I feel your love in every memory we share, and I hope you feel mine for you.  I hope you are well and safe.  I wish for you to be fed, and happy and warm.  I wish for you to be able to understand how much I love you.  And I wish I could be with you now.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom


October 9, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie,  The following was the song we sang at the Remembrance Service.  It is long but I think it is amazing.  It is called "To Where You Are", the author is not noted.

                                                  Who can say for certain
                                                   Maybe you're still here
                                                   I feel you all around me
                                                   Your memory's so clear

                                                   Deep in the stillness
                                                   I can hear you speak
                                                   You're still an inspiration
                                                   Can it be
                                                   That you are mine
                                                   Forever love
                                                   And you are watching over me
                                                   From up above

                                                   Fly me up to where you are
                                                   Beyond the distant star
                                                   I wish upon tonight
                                                   To see you smile
                                                   If only for awhile
                                                   To know you're there
                                                   A breath away's not far
                                                   To where you are

                                                   Are you gently sleeping
                                                   Here inside my dream
                                                   And isn't faith BELIEVING
                                                   All power can't be seen

                                                   As my heart holds you
                                                   Just one beat away
                                                   I cherish all you gave me
                                                   Everyday
                                                   'Cause you are my Forever Love
                                                   Watching me from up above

                                                    And I BELIEVE
                                                    That Angels breathe
                                                    And that love will live on 
                                                    And never leave

                                                    Fly me up
                                                    To where you are
                                                    Beyond the distant star
                                                    I wish upon tonight
                                                    To see you smile 
                                                    If only for a while
                                                    To know you're there
                                                    A breath away's not far
                                                    To where you are

                                                    I know you're there
                                                    A breath away's not far
                                                    To where you are

My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I know you are there, just beyond our reach.  We will all be together with you someday, up where you are.  Everyday, we honor you with all we do in your memory.  And I know you are with us as we work to make you proud of us.  Never ever ever doubt that you are with us every second of every minute of every day.  You are still the one that completed our circle, you made our family whole.  We are still 4 and we are still strong with you next to us.  I love you my Sweet Daughter.  Love, mom


October 5, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie,  I wanted to share with you another part of the ceremony from Thursday.  This poem was part of one on the readings.  The author is unknown, the poem is called "In Memory"

                                                  Those we Love remain with us,
                                                  For Love itself lives on.
                                                  Cherished memories never fade,
                                                  because a loved one is gone.
                                                  Those we love can never be,
                                                  more than a thought apart.
                                                  For as long as there is a memory,
                                                  they'll live on in our heart.

 So much of that evening was focused on memories and I know that is because, for most of us, the memories keep our child alive.  The memories can't die, they can't leave us and cancer can't take them from us.  The memories are ours, to keep in our hearts and take out whenever we need them.  The memories don't fade, they live on with our child.  
My Jacquie, my memories of you are endless.  The memories we never had a chance to make are endless also.  But the ones I hold in my heart, allow me to hold onto you, to laugh and cry with you, and mostly they allow me to always have you with me.  Thank you for the memories.  Thank you for the times you shared with me so that someday, I would be able to reach into my heart and hold those memories in my mind.  I miss you and I love you. And I WILL love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  Love, your mom forever


October 2, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, tonight you dad, TJ, Bree, Aunt Sheryl and I went down to Roswell for the Pediatric Remembrance Service. This was the seventh time we have done this.  And Jacquie, it hasn't gotten any easier.  If anything, it hurts more.  Every year there are more names on the list.  Every year, there are more names we know.  Every year, we sit and watch the slide show, listen to the speakers and feel our hearts break.  It is truly a wonderful thing they do.  I know we all appreciate the time and work it takes to provide this night for the families of children taken from us by cancer.  It is a gift they give us- the gift of remembering, the gift of letting us know our child has not been forgotten, the gift of knowing our child's lift meant something- not just a medical bracelet number.  What they do for us is allow us to grieve with others and share memories with those who understand.  We can laugh and cry and not be judged.  The invitation had a little poem on the front cover that said:

                                                          Softly the leaves of memory fall.
                                                          Gently, I gather and treasure them all.
                                                          Unseen, unheard, you are always near.
                                                          So missed, so loved, so very dear.
Inside it said:                                    
                                                          A life so brief, a child so small,
                                                          You had the power to touch us all.

The slideshow contained photos of the too many children taken from us.  Jacquie, I know you will say I am just saying this because I'm your mom, but you shined so brightly.  Even people we didn't know, came to tell us what beautiful person you must have been- inside and out.  I reminded them that you still are that beautiful person, and you alway will be.  The person you are shows in every picture, every photo, every memory we have of you.  You are the star that shines brightest in the sky.  Someday, we will be with you, but until then, we will cherish the memories.
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  When my days are long and lonely, I reach into my memory and my heart and I live those memories again and again.  I look to you to give me strength when I am weak and courage when I am a coward.  When the days seem impossible to cope with anymore, I remember the impossible days you coped with.  And I am ashamed at myself for wanting to give up so easily when you never gave up.  Please Jacquie.  I am trying so hard.   Come to me and talk to me.  Whisper in my ear and teach me to not fail you again.  Love, mom


September 28, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie,  Seven years ago today, we heard those devastating words.  Seven years later, those words are still fresh in my mind, I can hear them as if the doctor was next to me right now, speaking them.  I think that after all this time, they will never go away.  I will always hear his voice, your voice and Tommy's .  Each voice clear and disbelieving.  The doctor's voice filled with saddness and regret.  Your voice filled with questions for me and reassurance from me.  Tommy's voice filled with uncertainty, unable to speak in full sentences.  And through it all, my voice telling the doctor he was wrong, he was mean to say that to us, and begging him to take those words back.  
Today, I spent all day at home with you.  Dad took the motorcycle out for his ride with you.  We each spent the day being with you in our own way.  Jacquie, I miss you and I love you, more than you will ever know.  Love,  mom


September 26, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, you know how some days you think things can't get worse and the next day they do?  That is today.  It is 6:45pm.  I am going home and I am going to bed.  If you can visit me, I would really appreciate it because tomorrow will come too soon.
Love, mom


September 24, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, while shopping for a birthday gift for Lucy, I saw this book and immediately thought of you and TJ.  The title of the book is "If I Could Keep You Little" and it is by Marianne Richmond.  I guess the title caught my eye because I do think a lot about that.  Even when you and TJ were growing up, I would wish that I could keep you little forever.  Every stage was a wonder, filled with new strengths and discoveries.  Every year brought you a little closer to being "grown up" and further from being my little girl and my little boy.  I know growing up is a good thing, it's a great thing.  But the mom part of me wished it wouldn't happen so fast.  And it did happen fast.  When I hear parents say" I can't wait until you walk, or go to school or graduate high school or college, or move out on your own, it makes me sad that they are wishing away a very precious thing- their child's childhood.  We never get "do overs" as parents.  Once that time is gone, it's gone forever.  We have to enjoy our children when they are young and as they are growing.  Because one day you wake up, and they are grown.  I guess for some parents, that is what they wait for but not for me.  I will read you the book as I type it.  I hope you can hear my voice, I am  reading to you like I used to- remember?

     If I could keep you little, I'd hum you luuibies.
     But then I'd miss you singing in your concert's big surprise.
     If I could keep you little, I'd hold your hand everywhere.
     But then I'd miss knowing, "I can go...you stay there."
     If I could keep you littel, I's kiss your cuts and scrapes.
     But then I'd miss you learning from your own mistakes.
     If I could keep you little, I'd strap you in real tight.
     But then I'd miss you swinging from your treetop height.
     If I could keep you little, I'd decide on matching clothes.
     But then I'd miss you choosing dots on top and stripes below.
     If I could keep you little, I'd cut your bread into shapes.
     But then I'd miss you finding "Hey! I like ketchup with my grapes!"
     If I could keep you little, I'd tell you stories every night.
     But then I'd miss you reading the words you've learned by sight.
     If I could keep you little, I'd pick for you a friend or two.
     But then I'd miss you finding friends you like who like you, too!
     If I could keep you little, I'd push your ducky float.
     But then I'd miss you feeling the wind behind summer's boat.
     If I could keep you little, we'd nap in our fort midday.
     But then I'd miss you sharing adventures from camp away.
     If I could keep you little, I'd fly you with my feet.
     But then I'd miss you seeing, sky and clouds from your seat.
     If I could keep you little,  I'd keep you close to me.
     But the I'd miss you growing in who you're meant to be!

I know the words would mean more with the pictures that go with them, but I hope you understand what I am trying to say.  Although I wish you and TJ could have stayed little forever,  I know what I would have missed would have been a far greater a loss.  For I would never have wanted to miss watching you and TJ grow into the incredible adults you became.  I would never have wanted to deny you and TJ the chance to experiance the world, to challenge yourselves and become all you were capable of being.  I would never have wanted to deny you and TJ the opportunites you had and the chance to reach your full potentials and beyond.  For no matter how much I loved you as my little girl and my little boy, it is nothing compared to how much I love you now as "grown-ups".
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you the sun and the moon and the stars.  I love you rainbows and raindrops and everything in between.  And I WILL love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.
Love, your mom forever


September 20, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, we missed you -AGAIN.  The chowder party was today and you would have gone crazy over all the food and snacks.  So much to choose from, and for you, that would really mean not choosing what food to eat, but deciding what order to eat it all in!  Everytime I am somewhere and there is a lot of food, I picture you starting off with an empty plate and marveling at how fast you could fill it then empty it and start all over again.  None of us could understand why you didn't weigh 500 pounds, you ate so much!!.  It made me so sad when you were sick and you lost your appetite.  It was hard to see you refusing food, and even harder to see you eat and then get sick.  How I wanted to make it go back to how it was, when you were healthy.  Cooking and baking for you and TJ made me happy.  It made me feel like I was doing something right.  Now, TJ is not at home and dad and I live at the gym.  No more cooking big meals and no more baking for you and TJ.  I bake sometimes for others, but it's not the same.  I miss it.  I thought about what it would have been like if you had still been here with us.  Maybe, like Sandra, you would have been at the party with your daughter and husband (or a son or both).  Times like tonight remind me of was could have been and although it is nice to go places, sometimes going home is best.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  You are each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  Your smile lives in my mind and your laughter in my heart.  I remember the 4 of us as 1- we were a team.  We were strong and we were indestructable, we thought.  Now, we are broken and no matter how hard we try, we can't put us back together the way we were.  So, we push on and hope that our love is enough to keep us one until we are truly together again.
All my love forever, mom


September 16, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie,  yesterday Aunt Val and I went down to the Naval Park to see the new I AM. It stands for Iraq Afghanistan Memorial.  It is dedicated to the over 70 men and women from our area that have lost their lives serving and protecting our country.  It is amazing- 3 separate huge stones engraved with the names- 1 for lives lost in Iraq, 1 for lives lost in Afghanistan and 1 for lives lost while serving but not killed in action.  Jacquie, Johnathan, Jenna and Billy are on there.   Shauna's brother is on there too.   It was so sad to see not just the three names we know, but so many others.  The monuments are beautiful but we shouldn't need them.  It makes me depressed to think about it, but how many more names will be added before these wars are over.  And will there be enough room before it all ends?  
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  2201 day seem like forever.  What have we done in all that time?  What has the foundation accomplished?  Certainly not enough, there is still so much to do.  How can it be that more than six years have passed and we are raising money, making donations, supporting patients and families and yet, it doesn't seem like we have done enough to make a difference sometimes.  The overall picture is so big, the needs are endless.  We are re-structuring now to give us a chance to do more and be more.  But will it be enough.  Jacquie, we could use a little guidance here, just a "Tink Wink" or two to let us know if we are moving in the right direction where you want us to be.  Maybe you could even stop by to visit me in my dreams soon.  It seems like forever since we've talked.  I will be waiting.  Until then, never forget how much I miss you and that I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, mom


September 14, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, today I went to Brockport with 2 of the coaches from the gym for a clinic.  I was good to be there to brush up on practice judging routines but I wish I could have had some time at home with you today.  The past week has taken a toll and I would love to just have been able to sleep all day.  Maybe then, the thought of this upcoming week wouldn't be so terrifying.  Jacquie,  I truly wish things could be different.  I don't know what to do anymore.
Love, mom


September 11, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, again, just like 6 years ago.  Dad and I and so many others, sat through a memorial service to say goodbye.  Today, DJ was not standing with us, but with you.  How can this be?  Why did this happen?  When will this end?  Will it ever end?
My Jacquie, I love you.


September 7, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, well, what did you think of your party last night.  The grand opening of the Center For The Jacquie Hirsch For A.L.L. Foundation.   I wish you could tell me what you think of it.  I wish you could be here to work in it with us, to keep us motivated and moving in the right direction.  You should have been here with all your family and friends as they walked through this building dedicated with our hearts to you, your life, your memory and your legacy.  I wonder if anyone understands how much your dad, TJ and I want you to be proud of us.  How much we need to have you realize that we have put our hearts and souls into making this more than a building.  We want it to stand for your fight, your hopes and wishes and dreams.  We want it to mean that we are going to spend the rest of our lives doing whatever we can to help find a cure and to support the families and patients who struggle eveyday to win against a disease that shows no mercy.  We want it to stand as a place we others know we understand and we care.  And, we want it to stand as memorial to you, the beautiful young woman whose fight never ended, but continued on for all those who love her.  My office is nice, but I would give anything to be sharing it with you.
Your memorium in the paper last night was amazing, as it always is.  When people read it, there can be no doubt as to how much you are missed and how much you are loved.  I hope you heard me reading it to you when I got home from the opening.  I truly hope you like it.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I an and all that I will ever be.  You must know that the last few months have become harder for me, giving up would be a relief.  But your voice is always in my head, telling me to hang in there, stay strong and not give up.  I am trying but these days, there seems to be little to keep me going.  Life isn't easy, I know that.  But why does it have to be so hard all the time?
I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, mom


September 6, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie,  Day 2191.  No one knows how badly I wish I was home today, with you.  Today is supposed to be our day- just you and me at home.  The day when I don't have to deal with anyone's complaints or bad attitude.  The day you and I spend time together looking through photo albums and scrapebooks and remember all the details about each picture or souvenir.  The day we laugh and cry and sing to our hearts content without anyone except Shelby to hear us.  But today, I have to be at the gym.  Somehow, that will make it all the harder. And tonight, your grand opening.  I will be with you, My Jacquie, even though I won't be where I belong.  I will always be with you.  Love, mom
Please take care of DJ.  We are still unbelieving that he could have died today.  Please, you and Billy take him with you and show him how much we all love him and will miss him.  (God), I am so tired of saying goddbye.


September 1, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, Happy Birthday to Bree.  We were all at TJ's to celebrate with her, but you weren't there.  You were missed.  I was constantly reminded of the last birthday we all celebrated with Bree.  September 1, 2007.  Four weeks later exactly, our world blew up.  But on that sunshiney day, life was good.  We were all happy to be together, you had your pink "teaching sweater" on with your "grown-up real pearls" and you truly did look like the kindergarten teacher you were going to be 5 days later.  That picture has been used in many places for your foundation- brochures, letters, and presentations.  But none of those pictures could capture the you from lthat day.  Your life was ahead of you and your excitment about starting student teaching was just bubbling out of you.  You and I had all your teaching clothes cleaned, packed and ready to go back to Geneseo.  What went wrong?
My Jacquie, this month will be so hard.  In 5 days we will celebrate your life by hosting the grand opening.  In 5 days, we will remember that 6 years ago you were taken from us.  I miss you, My Jacquie.  I love you more than life itself.  Love, mom


August 29, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, Friday.  Finally.  The end of an endless week.  Hours and hours at the gym, trying to get ready for the first day of clases next week.  But, there is a problem (isn't there always?).  We have more children wanting to enroll than we have staff to each them.  Of course, the people who have waited until the last minute to register, and now can't get into a class or the class they want, blame us.  It must be our fault, right?  It can't be their fault that they have had the registration form and information since June and have waited until one week before the start of classes.  Didn't we hold a spot for them?  Didn't we know they would be returning?  Don't we hold spots for all our students from last year "in case" they want to return?  Wow, it never ends.  I think Kristen and I will just scream at the next parent who yells at us.  Really parents.  Take some responsibility for your mistakes and stop telling your children the gymnastic school doesn't want them back, and admit to them that you messed up.  If you don't take responsibility for your mistakes, how will you teach your children to?  I can only hope that next Tues and Wed are better.  We could use a break Jacquie, if you can help us out.  I can only imagine how you would handle these parents, how I wish you were here to see you in action!!!!!  I know you would tell me that things will get better, so I am listenng to your voice and hoping you are right.
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  Your dad, TJ and I are getting closer to finishing your "Center".   Just about more than anything, I wish we could have you tell us what you think about what we have done.  I wish you could tell us if you like the paint, the carpet, the furniture and everything else.  I wish you could tell us where you would like us to hang all your pictures and awards and articles.  I wish you could be here to celebrate at your Grand Opening.  We will be celebrating you and your Center on September 6th.  The worst day of our lives.  Now we will have a reason to not dread that date this year.  You will be the guest of honor at your opening.  I hope you are pleased and proud of what we have done.  If there is anything you want me to know, you can always visit me in my dreams, I will be waiting.  Love, your mom


August 25, 2014 -  Dear Jacquie, You came to see me last night!!!!!  You came to me in my dreams, thank you.  I have waited so long to have you visit me again.  I have needed you and you came.  We were all together again, the 4 of us.  And everything was as it should have been.  You weren't sick and TJ was happy.  And we were laughing and smiling and making memories.  We were living life as it was meant to be lived.  And you looked so beautiful, you were not in pain and you were not leaving us.  I wanted to sleep forever, I never wanted to wake up and have you go away.  You can't possibloy know how much I wanted to cling to you and never let you go.  It makes me want you to come to me every night,  to never have to wake up in the morning without you. You, My Jacquie, who was driven to reach dreams that would make your future so much brighter.  Our Jacquie, who's inner spark kindled a light in every person who was blessed to know you and be part of your life.  Jacquie, you made us proud.  You met all your challenges with confidence, not letting yourself doubt your ability to succeed.  You were passionate and you used your energy to do good things for family, friends and strangers.  You cared for others and were supportive, compassionate and forgiving.  So many fine qualities in such a young person.  I wish you were here to teach me.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with each beat of my heart and every breath that I take.  The days you have been gone are many, the times I have missed you are endless.  I will wait for you to come to my dreams again. I know you will not leave me because I will never leave you.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, mom


August 23, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, today I found a poem that had your name all over it.  As often happens, I see something or read something and immediately think- "that was written for or is about, Jacquie".  This is by Vickie Worsham and I will read it to you as i type it.
     Love your life.
     Believe in your own power, your potential and your innate goodness.
     Every morning, wake with the awe of just being alive.
     Each day, discover the magnificent, awesome beauty in the world.
     Explore and embrace life in yourself and in everyone you see each day.
     Reach within to find your own specialness.
     Amaze yourself, and rouse those around you to the potential of each new day.
     Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect, this is the essence of your humanity.
     Let those who love you help you.
     Trust enough to be able to take.
     Look with hope to the horizon of today, for today is all we truly have.
     Live this day well.
     Let a little sunshine out as well as in.
     Create your own rainbows.
     Be open to all your possibilities; possibilities can be miracles.
     Always BELIEVE in miracles!
My Jacquie, sometimes it is hard to  BELIEVE.  I know you do.  I know you want us to.  But  it is hard to always keep believing when life keeps getting in the way.  I know you will visit me soon, this I do BELIEVE.   I miss you and I love you so much, My Jacquie.  Love, mom


August 20, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, I won't be writing to you for a few days because dad and I have to go to Pittsburg for National Congress until Saturday.  It would be so different if you were going with us like you used to do.  I know how much you enjoyed going to the sessions and learning all the new drills and techniques for the team and class gymnasts.  It is hard to be going without you. But as always, you and I will be talking, because you are always with me.  No matter where I am or what I am doing, you are never alone. You live in my heart, you are my heart.  Please come to see me.  I will be waiting for you.  Love, you mom 


August 16, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, Yesterday, dad and I went to Saratoga with Bree and Aunt Sheryl.  We drove down to hear Aunt Elizabeth's harp concert and spend the night.   The concert was beautiful and her harp solos were breathtaking.  I know you were there with us because I know how much you loved to hear her play.  She played for about 45 minutes and every second of it was so moving.  It is easy to see why she is one of the top ranked harpists in the world.  I am going to get a copy of the CD when it becomes available and then I will be able listen to it as often as I want to,  just like the CD she made for you when you were in Roswell.  Do you remember hearing her harp when you were sleeping?  I would put your earphones in and turn it on so you could hear her play just for you.  It always seemed to calm you when you were restless.  I was so grateful to her for giving you that gift.  It would have been so special for you to have been sitting with us.  She knows how proud of her you are, and I think she knows yu were there last night too.
My Jacquie, another week has gone by.  But nothing has changed.  You are still not with us and I still miss you so much.  It is though time has stood still in many respects, and passed by so quickly in others.  For me, another morning has come and it will be another day without you.  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  I will love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.  Each day when I wake up, I will remember  that someday, we will all be together again.  And each night when I go to bed, I will remind myself  that we are now, and always will be, 4.  Love, your mom


August 14, 2014 - Dear Jacquie,  Good morning Sweetheart.  I slept in a little this morning because I just didn't want to get up.  What I really wanted to do was stay in bed all day, but since I didn't let you do that, I couldn't very well do it, could I?  I am sure you still remember all the times when you were in th hospital and you wanted to just stay in bed, and I made you get up and shower and exercise and do all the things I was sure would help you get better.  I was so sure that if we didn't let the leukemia knock you down, you would beat it.  I was so sure.  I was so wrong.  All the times you wanted to stay in bed, I should have let you.  I am so sorry.  The mother in me refused to believe that I coulodn't make you better.  I refused to believe that if I tried hard enough and loved you with all my heart, you would not be taken from us.  I was wrong.  But I did love you with all my heart and I don't understand how it wasn't enough.  I am so sorry I didn't do more.  We really tried everything we were given to try.  We Believed.
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you so very much.  I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Your mom forever.


August 11, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, This past weekend was good.  I was able to stay home with you from Friday night until Monday morning.  I didn't have to see anyone or talk to anyone.  I was able to spend time with you and our memories, something that I cherish so much.  The memories keep me from crying all the time, and time is so limited right now.  The gym is getting harder to handle and the fun is being taken over by parents who just can't seem to find enough to complain about.  I wish I could just leave sometimes.  I wish I couod just tell them to really focus on what is important in life and stop finding ways to be miserable.  I see more and more people who don't seem to be happy unless they are makind someone else unhapppy.  It's too bad they don't know what it is like to have your happiness ripped away from you.
My Sweet Jacquie, I could eally use  visit from you soon.  I feel so depressed and sad, even with the "Center" close to being done, I feel so sad.  Life is not as we wanted it to be for you and TJ, and I am so sorry.  I wish we could have done better and made your lives be all they should have been.  I don't know why everything fell apart, we worked so hard to make things right.  I am so sorry Jacquie and TJ.  I love you both so very much and I will never be able to show you how much.  Love, mo9m


August 7, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, WOW GREAT AWESOME AMAZING!!  Your Ride For Roswell "Team in Green" 2014 raised an incredible $25,661.25 this year.  We finished 17th out of 760 teams.  I know you are proud, you couldn't possibly not be proud of the 40 riders who raised that huge amount of money.  Mindy, again this year as captain, did a fabulous job and the results are proof of her hard work and your family and friends dedication to you and your memory.  Thank you for the great weather, for keeping all the riders safe, and for teaching us that no goal is impossible to reach if you want if bad enough.  You taught us how to fight and never give up, we learned from the very bet.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  Thank you for coming to see me in my dreams last night.  It has been such a long time, and I have struggled more and more each day.  I needed your visit, and you came.  Although I know it was a dream, I could smell your hair and I felt your skin next to mine as I held you close.  I talked with you and you answered back.  You gave me a reason to get out of bed this morning.  I love you My Jacquie.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  You are in my heart and it is there you will live forever.  Love forever, your mom


August 3, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, well Sweetheart- you did it!!!!.  Once again, you gave us a picture perfect beautiful day for your 7th Annual Cruise Against Cancer.  The weather people predicted rain,so many cars didn't come (because as we all know, car people don't bring their "babies" out in the rain), so we were down in numbers.  But, this year the people who did come were very generous in their donations and in buying basket and 50/50 tickets.  Food sales were down as well, because not as many people were there, but we were still able to donate more to Roswell this year than last year.  Our donation- $2,500 !!!!!!! to your research fund.  As alwys, those cars and motorcycles that did the cruise down to Roswell had a great time and were honored to be part of the check presentation.  You are always with us Jacquie, but how I wish you could be at each event next to us, sharing the fun, the success and yes, the work, as we all continue to work to make your dream come true.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  After each event, the very first thing I think of is "I would give anything to have had Jacquie here with us to share to fun, the work and the success".  My next thought is "Is Jacquie proud of what we accomplished?'.  I know I can't do anything to change your not being with us, although I would give my life to have you back.  As for whether or not you are poud of us, that I can change.  No matter what we accomplish, I have to always work harder to do more.  I can't make you proud if I don't work harder.  I don't ever want you to think that I will not give all I have to give to make sure YOU are not forgotten and that everyone knows how much we love you and miss you.  No one should ever question our committment to finishing your fight and ealizing your deam.  We won't let that happen.  The 4 Hirschs, as one, will win this fight.  Maybe not in this lifetime, but someday, in your honor and your memory- we will see a cure.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom


July 31, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, Happy 6th Birthday of the 3rd day of birth.  I know for sure that I am the only onhe who remembers this date, but I  will never let it go uncelebrated for you.  I remember this day 6 years ago as if it happened yesterday.  I remember the hope this day held and the promise of a better life for you.  Each year, this day brings pain and sorrow, because a better life for you was not to be.  But I will continue to celebrate this day with you so that you never forget how very much I miss you and I love you.
Love, mom


July 28, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, a horrible, lousy, terrible day yesterday.  I couldn't wait until it was over.  Then I went home and went right to bed.  I waited for you in my dreams but you didn't come.  Maybe today will be a better day.  Maybe today you will come to visit me.  Maybe we will be togeher soon.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you so much.  Once we are together again, I will never let anyone take you away from me again.  Love, your mom


July 26, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, Did you like the Tinker Ball?  What did you think of everything- the decorations, the baskets and silent auction items, and the music?  Did you see what Sean Patrick's did for you?  Your "little friend" made the most wonderful meal for us, because you made him so happy when you ate all the special things he gave you to try.  And the slide show- wasn't it spectacular?  This was the very best of all the ones Danielle has done.  She puts an incredible amount of time into making it so beautiful- the videos, the pictures and the music that accompany them were just perfect.  The speeches by Dr. Nowak and Dr. Wang were very imformative, as they always are, and gave us all an update on the progress being made because of YOUR research fund at Roswell.  Listening to them gives me hope and makes me BELIEVE that yes, someday your dream will come true and we WILL live in a world without cancer.  And that it will be, in part, because of you- Jacquie Hirsch.  To all of our family, friends and supporters who made last night a successful and memorable event in honor of Jacquie's life and legacy, thank you.  And to you, Jacquie, thank you for giving all of us the courage and the strength to carry on your fight.  We will continue to try to live our lives as you taught us and to always BELIEVE.
My Jacquie, I love you the sun, the moon and all the stars in the sky.  I love you rainbows and raindrops.  I love all you are and all you STAND for.  And, I love that you were the gift given to your dad, TJ and me.  Love, your mom forever


July 24, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, The night before the Tinker Ball.  Jacquie, please give TJ a "Tink Wink".  Let him know how much you love him and how proud of him you are.  He is working tirelessly to make your Center all he BELIEVES it should be for you.  You must see how every little detail is so important to him.  He is so determined to make this building a tribute to you and all you STAND for.  And, it will be.
Tomorrow, the 6th Annual Tinker Ball will also be a tribute to you.  It will showcase all we have done in honor of you and in memory of you.  We will make it a success.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You are why I do what I do.  Everyday, I see what you have taught me in how I try to live my life.  I wonder if you can see the ways in which you have changed me.  I see how you have changed all of us.  We 4 are still one.  We are strong together and together we will always be.  No one can take our family away from us.  No one can divide us or our love.  And no one can weaken our love.  The four of us will always STAND as one and fight as one.  And someday, we will be together again, side by side.  No one should ever think that we are not the 4 Hirschs anymore.  I love you My Jacquie.  Love, mom


July 22, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, THANK YOU JACQUIE!!!!!  Your dad had his Dr. appointment today to get the results of his latest blood work and there is NO CHANGE IN THE NUMBERS!  That is such great news and we know you made it happen.  That means that dad is ok for another 3 months.  Three whole months!  I am trying to do what Jill said and that is not to worry for the whole 3 months, but to only let myself stress about it for the last 3 days.  It is hard to do because it is always on my mind.  Sometimes when there is so much going on it is in the back of my mind, but it is always there- creeping around and slamming into me when I least expect it.  Thank you for taking care of your dad and watching out for him. I don't know how to help him. I failed with you, I don't want to fail again.
My Jacquie,I love you. Love,mom


July 20, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, yesterday, your dad and I went down to Kathleen Hogan's annual "Gotta Kiss cancer Goodbye" Golf Tournament in Salamanca.  We went down because Kathleen was going to be presenting the first "Stand Award Scholarship" in memory of YOU!  This first award was given to a young lady who's mom died from cancer.  She organized a walk in her mom's memory and raised over $11,000 to donate to Roswell.  Kathleen decided that the "Stand" scholarship woud be given to a worthy student who, like you, took a stand to make a statement and to never give up the fight.  It was an wonderful honor to be there and be part of this very special event.  It was an honor to be part of another event that redognizes your life and legacy.  It was an honor to hear people talk about you and tell us what learning about your life has meant to them.  Thank you, Jacquie, for all you have given to us and to so many others.  Thank you for all you have taught us abou strength and courage, about love and laughter, about tears and heartache.  Thank you for all you have taught us about life.
My Jacquie,  I miss you every second of every day.  You are constantly in my thoughts and I wish I could talk with you and be sure you are ok.  I still worry so much about you.  Are you healthy and no longer in pain?  Are you warm?  Are you eating enough?  are you happy?  Do you miss me?  I love you so much and I want to be with you.  Will you come to me in my dreams and see me soon?  I get your "Tink Winks" but I really need to see you.  I will be waiting.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  Love,mom

July 18, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, days are long and stressful.  The Tinker Ball is one week from tonight and the Cruise is two weeks from tomorrow and there is still so much to do.  It seems the more things I cross off my to-do list, the more things I hve to add.  the days are too short- not enough hours to get it all done.  I know there are some things that I get overly worried about, and they will work out fine, but I can't seem to not worry.  As aways, the need to make you proud drives me to make everything as perfect as itshcan possibly be.  Somedays, I cry because I don't think I am doing enough, I don't think I can make your events succeed.  and wost of all, I don't think you will be proud of me.  I know, Jacquie, that there were times when you were growing up that I wasn't the mom I should have been to you and TJ.  I live with those regrets every day of my life.  And now, I am trying so hard to make it up to you and I don't think I ever can.  How am I supposed to make it right?  How am I supposed to tell you I am sorry I failed you?  How am I supposed to show you how much I love you and miss you if I don't make your foundation the very best it can be?  
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you so very much.  I love you more than my life, and I would give mibe to have you back here where you belong.  Love, mom


July 13, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, yesterday was Julie's baby shower.  It was so kind of her to invite me, they have all been wonderful keeping me included in all their family events- weddings, wedding showers and baby showers.  I know you like Julie and Jamie and you would want me to go to the things they invite me to.  But, it is hard.  She looks so cute pregnant- her little body with the big round belly.  From the back, you can't even tell she is pregnant.  I looked at her and once again, found myself wondering how you would have looked when you were pregnant.  Would you carry only in front, or all around your belly?  And would you crave anything special or just crave food- I mean more than you usually do LOL!!  Would you have morning sickness just in the morning or all day long?  Would you have swollen feet?  Would you feel tired?  I wonder all these things whenever I hear someone snnounce they are going to have a baby.  And I wonder, just how much time would I spend shopping for my new grandchild.  Is there anything I wouldn't buy for him or her?  And I wonder- what  will I do with the things I had already started to save for my grandchildren? Showers are wonderful, but they are hard too.  They hurt because there will never be one for you.  I will never plan a baby shower for my "baby"
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You are every breath I take and each beat of my heart.  You are my sunshine.  And have I told you lately how very much I love you?  Love, forever and ever and always, and longer than that- your mom


July 10, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, Day 2133.  I miss you so much still.  The days are getting harder, not easier.  I think it is because of all that is going on right now.  The gym is terrible, I wish it would just go away for a while.  People can be such idiots- always complaining about stupid little things that really don't matter much in the big picture.  People can be so rude and nasty and selfish.  I am so tired of dealing with people like that.  It's a good thing that we have some nice people or I would truly consider quitting.  I don't enjoy going to work anymore, even being with the kids isn't enough to make up for all the issues that we've had to deal with these past few months.  I am depressed and discouraged and I feel like nothing matters.  
The new "Center" is coming along, but even that has had some issues that TJ and your dad have had to spend time they don't have, dealing with people who don't do their job.  I wonder why people don't take pride in their work anymore.  
The Tinder Ball is going slow as far as ticket sales go and for me, that is the most depressing thing.  We are working so hard to have everything ready and perfect for you, but if people don't come, what does it matter?   I come home each night, needing to feel you near me, to hear you whisper "mom" or to see you in my dreams.  But you haven't come to me, and I don't know why.
My Jacquie, I miss you so so so much that I can't stand it.  I love you and I can't even hold you and tell you in person.  I wish I could be with you again.  I wish you had taken me with you so I wouldn't be without you.  TJ will be leaving us soon and I am not sure what I will do then.  What will I do, Jacquie, without you and TJ?  I love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.   Love, your mom


July 4, 2014 - Dear Jacquie,  the 4th of July.  The best part of the day for me was the whole day because I didn't have to leave the house all day. I stayed home with you and never had to leave to go to work, or run errands and it was the best day you and I have had in a while.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Thank you for today, I really needed it.  Love, mom


July 1, 2014 - Dear Jacquie,  the first of July.  A new month.  For the Foundation, the biggest month of the year.  July 25th will be the 6th Annual Tinker Ball.  As each year before, this Ball's preparation has been going on since the last Ball was over.  All of us have been working so hard.  All of us want this to succeed.  All of us NEED this to succeed.  We are way behind in ticket sales, even more than last year, and we have heard from more people who are "unable to make it" than people who will be able to attend.  With everything that has gone on this past year, this Tinker Ball failing cannot happen. I don't think I can last through anymore disappointments or loss.  It seems to be never-ending- the sicknesses, the cancers, the deaths.  And then TJ will be leaving us and moving to Atlanta.  Then what?
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you so very very much.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  In the mornings, you are the sunshine I look for even if it is raining.  The days are long now, and there is too much time to be awake.  There is too much time to be constantly reminded that you are not here with us.  There are more weddings and more babies coming.  There are more celebrations ahead.  And still, there is that horrible emptiness and loneliness that is my life without you.  Others don't understand, they don't know what it is like to have failed their child and then to be failing her memory.  They don't understand.  I love you, My Jacquie.   I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your BFF- your mom


June 29, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, yesterday was a busy day for the Foundation.  It started at 5:15am when I arrived at U.B. to set up for the Ride For Roswell.  We had 44 riders sign up this year but only about 38 made it to the Ride.  Mindy did a fantastic jpb again this year as our team captain.  She kept on everyone about fundraising and encouraging them to help us get to our goal of $25,000.  All our riders made it safely back and the team picture looks great.  Thank you to everyone who helped decorate, rode, and most of all, wore your "Team in Green" t-shirt with the Tinker Ball wings.  What a site to see- all those wings flying by as the riders pass the starting line and then arrive back at the finish line.  What an amazing group of family and friends you have My Jacquie!!.  After getting home about 4pm, I unpacked the car and put all the R4R things away until next year.  Then I started packing for the fundraiser that Mindy set up at Average Joe's.  She came up with the idea to have a get together there after the Ride, to wind down and raise more money for the team.  People bought a bracelet for $25 then could drink from 8pm-11pm and we got $11 from each bracelet sold.  We also had baskets to raffle off that Mindy and Bree put together.  We were able to raise more for the team and it was a good night to be with friends.  We haven't reached our goal yet, but we have until July 31st to keep fundraising so we are going to keep going until we reach it.  Thank you for the great weather and for keeping all the riders safe.  And I hope you got the balloons we sent to you after the Ride was over.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  Please Please Please come to see me soon.  I really need you now.  And please please please make the results from dad's latest tests be ok.  We are waiting and I am afraid.  Again.  I love you.  Love, mom


June 25, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, the gym school team banquet was tonight.  Many gymnasts, coaches, and parents were there.  But you weren't.  I miss you so much My Jacquie.  Love, your mom


June 23, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, a sad night last night.  Lisa's memorial service was held to celebrate her life.  The evening was spent listening to her family and friends speak about an incredible young woman who battled cancer and leukemia for 10 years.  She was diaganosed at 23 and was just 32 years old when she was taken from this life.  Like you, she was the light of everyone's life- funny, caring, considerate and loving.  She was also, like you, strong and determined and courageous.  Listening to people speak about her, I couldn't help but think that they could have been describing you.  Why is that/  Why is it that when young people are taken, we hear about how special they were, how much they lived life and had so much to give those around them?  Why is it that we are forced to say goodbye to the very people that make this world a better place?  Why is it that we are left to go on without our loved ones who gave our lives meaning and hope?  The very ones who fought so courageously, are taken from us as if they didn't even matter.  Why are we left alone?
My Jacquie, I  miss you and I love you.  I love you so much and there really is no way to tell you how much.  The sun, the moon, the stars.  My heart and my soul.  They are you, they are yours.  I love you, love- mom


June 21, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, It's Friday, the end of the week.  I am so glad it's over. It has been a horrible week and I hope that next week is better.  The weeks go by and I am not sure where they are headed.  Maybe I don't want to know.
I love you, My Jacquie.


June 17, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, I slept poorly last night, you were on my mind and I waited for you in my dreams.  I was sure you would come to visit me but you didn't.  I woke up early with pain in my heart and tears in my eyes.  I miss you, My Jacuqie.  And I love you so much.  Love, mom


June 15, 2014 - Dear Dad, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to the best dad in the world.  I saw all the posts my friends and others posted on facebook and I wish more than words can say that I was there to post to the world how special you are and how much I love you. But I can't be there but I can tell you because mom knows what I want to say to you.  so, here goes:
Every daughter wishes she could have a dad like you,I am the lucky one because you are MY dad.  I grew up knowing that I wanted to be like you.  I wanted to be thoughtful and caring and strong and courageous like you.  I wanted people to look up to me and think that I was a great role model for their children, just like you are.  I looked up to you for guidance and protection and you were always there for me.  There are billions of memories I have of growing up and sharing special times with you and mom and TJ.  And sometimes, just the two of us.  The pictures of those times in my photo albums are nothing compared to the memories and pictures I hold dear in my mind and my heart.    I will always be grateful and thankful for the lessons about life that you taught me.  I know sometimes (LOL) I resented those lessons, but as I "matured" and grew up, I tried to let you know that I appreciated everyone of them.  You have been my dad, my friend, and my hero.  I have seen you give so much to our family and to others, you have alway been someone we could depend on and I wanted to be  someone like that.   I still think of all the fun and laughter we shared and I will treasure those times forever.  People talk about my smile and laughter, but they may not know that I got them from you.  My card to you on Father's Day says "When someone says I remind them of you, it's a very proud moment for me.  For the things that have made you a wonderful dad  are the things that I would want most to be.  And I am hoping you know that the memories we've shared and the lessons you've taught me from the start, will always be  with me wherever I go, for- like you- they'll be kept in my heart."
I love you dadddy.  Love, your "Little Jacquie Hirsch"


June 12, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, I heard a saying yesterday and it made me cry.  It is "A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart".   There was a time when you needed me to feed you and dress you, to comb your beautiful blond curls and kiss your boo-boos when you got hurt.  a long time ago you needed me to help you with your homework and do science projects like making a pyramid out of sugar cubes.   You needed me to drive you and your friends to the movies and the mall and then you needed a ride to a restaurant to eat after a long day of shopping.  My life- being needed to be a mom to you and TJ.  The most important "job" in the world.  But no, not a job to me.  To me, a dream come true.  That was what I feel I was always meant to be- a mom.  And then, someday a grandmother (or a Mimi or a Bree).  I will always be in awe, and so very proud of the woman you became, but a part of me misses the way you needed me as you grew up.  I would like to BELIEVE that had you not been taken from us, there would still be times that you would need me.  That there would still be times that only mom would be the one who you turned to for help, advice, support, reassurance and love.  And you must know, that no matter how old you were, I would always be there for you whenever you needed me.  I am here for you, now and forever.
My Jacquie, I love you and I miss you.  I miss you so much and I am still so angry.  Everytime I here of another diagnosis or another death from cancer, I get angrier.  The tears still fall, the questions still come, and the answers do not.  No one can tell me why you had to have leukemia.  No one can explain why you didn't get better and stay with us.  And no one can explain to me, why- if there is a God, he took you from us.  Why did he have to leave us with the sorrow and tears and questions.  Why did he deny you a chance to grow up and finish your life.  Why?
I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you the sun and the moon and the stars.  I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as I will love you tomorrow.  And I WILL love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love to My Jacquie from your mom


June 8, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, today you will have a new Angel in heaven.  Please help Lisa.  Please help her to know you will be with her and she is not alone.  Please come to see me tonight.  I am having such a hard time and I really can't keep trying so hard and not having things work out.  Love, mom


June 6, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, today I got Sally out for the first time this year.  The weather has been so cold and rainy and I didn't want to take her out until the weather was nice.  So today, I took her out and drove her to the gym so that Trevor could detail her.  All the way to the gym I played "Mustang Sally" so loud and sang  even louder.  I pretended you were riding next to me and we were singing together the way we used to.  And then I started to cry.  I pulled over to the side of the road and cried.  I cried because the seat next to me was empty.  I cried because the only terriblevoice singing was mine.  And I cried because I still miss you so very much.  Tomorrow is Olivia and MJ's birthday party.  They are celebrating together at Bree's with a swim party and picnic.  And you won't be there.  You won't be there to watch them play in the pool, and to go into the pool with them.  You won't be there to watch them open their gifts and you won't be there to eat all the great food with all our family.  The pictures everyone takes will not have you in them and the memories that I take home will be the memories of past parties, no new memories with you.  And I wonder, does anyone know how hard it is?  Does anyone know that it hurts to see the little ones, the grandchildren/ great-grandchildren, and know that I will never be able to help you plan a birthday party for your children?  It's ok.  I don't expect anyone to understand, I don't expect anyone to know how I feel.  I just wish I could stop and get off this ride.  I don't want to keep riding the same pain.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I have loved you from the moment I knew you were mine.  And I will love you forever.  The four of us are still one, but the three of us struggle without you.  TJ will be leaving soon and then, I don't know what I will do.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, mom


June 2, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, yesterday we had another foundation meeting, we needed to go over some things for the Tinker Ball.  We all are working so hard to get all your events set up and keep going with the "Center" that I worry constantly that we can't do everything that needs to be done.  The Ride For Roswell fundraising is going very slow, we don't have many riders signed up because a number of the ride distances filled early and are closed.  We are very lucky to have Mindy as our Ride Captain, she is doing a great job trying to inspire everyone to keep fundraising and to recruit more riders. She is such a hard worker and we have been able to concentrate on other events knowing that the Ride is in good hands.  Now the Tinker Ball, that is another story.  Ticket sales are slower than they have ever been and I am really scared that we won't have enough people to hold the Ball.  I feel as though the harder we work lately, the less results we see.  Maybe I am not doing good enough,  maybe I am not capable of standing for you.  Maybe I am going to fail again.  
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, mom


May 30, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, HAPPY 29th BIRTHDAY MY SWEET DAUGHTER!   You can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to not be able to tell you Happy Birthday in person.  To be able to hug you and kiss you and dance around with you you celebrate this very very special day.  All the rituals of the past- shopping for gifts, deciding what to do today, picking out someplace to go out and eat and of course- opening gifts and eating strawberry cupcakes with strawberry frosting, all those special things we can no longer share with you.  I miss you, I miss you so badly.  Your dad and I opened your gifts from us for you.  We hope you like them,  I am sure you can see them from heaven.   I wish you were here to open them yourself.
I found a poem for you, author unknown, that I hope you like.  I hope you will understand why I wanted to write this for you to see.

                                                                               An Angel Left Her Wings
            I have this little Angel.  For me she left her wings.
            She has no idea how much happiness she truly brings.
            She brightens up my days with her smiles and her laughs.
            She helps me to remember all the blessings that I have.

            Her face it is so perfect, she's sweet and soft and pure.
            Sometimes she can be willful and sometimes she is demure.
            She tries her very hardest to please and do what's right.
            She gives the greatest hugs from morning until night.

            Every person that has known her sees this light within her soul.
            I know that in this whole great world, she has a special role.
            She's helpful and considerate to everyone she knows.
            This light in her shines brighter as my Angel grows.

            When she someone is sad, it opens up her heart.
            She wants to do all that she can, she wants to do her part.
            She'll squeeze away the sorrow and make me forget about my pain.
            She shows me where the sun is when we're hiding from the rain.

            I know someone must love me, it isn't hard to trace.
            I knew just how completely when I saw my Angel's face.
            And in that very moment when she came into my world.
            I knew that she was so much more than just my baby girl.

            She would be my sunshine with a sweetness that won't end.
            And when she grows up one day, she'll be my closet friend.
            She would be the reason I would always try my best.
            For my little Angel baby girl would be my greatest test.

            When you are trusted with an Angel, who has left her wings for you.
            Encircle her with love with everything you do.
            Let her know that she was born to be given in your care.
            Be sure to make time for special moments with her to share.

            And at night when she says her prayers and then she goes to sleep.
            Be thankful for the gift you've been given and cherish her to keep.
            A watchful eye and hand to protect her from this world.
            Please protect my little Angel, protect my little girl.

My Sweet Daughter Jacquie,  I have tried to hard since you were taken from us to tell you how so very sorry I am that I couldn't save you.  To tell you how much I miss you.  To tell you that my love for you has grow with each passing day that you have been gone.  I have tried to find the words in my heart and make them come out on these pages, but I don;t think I have succeeded.  I wish I could see you just one more time so you would see in me what my heart is feeling.  Then maybe you would know what I have been trying to say for all this time.  Someday, when we are together again, I will make sure you know the words in my heart and the love that lives there for you.  We had a party for you tonight in your new "Center", all the family was there.  We ate some of your favorite foods and desserts.  And then we released the balloons, Olivia's surprise for you, with cards attached to them for you to read when the balloons get to heaven.  Never wonder how much you are missed and loved.  All you have you do is look down from heaven and see how we honor you.  I love you my best friend forever,  I love you My Jacquie and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  Love, your mom


May 26, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, Memorial Day.  Sad that among all the holidays we celebrate, we have a need to celebrate the lives of men and women who have died in wars.  Sadder still, until we humans manage to find a way to get along and co-exist peacefully in this world, there will be way to many more lives to celebrate.  Wouldn't we be better off celebrating their birthdays, graduations, marriages, births of their children and other milestones that they have been denied?  Same question, no answer- WHY?  To our Billy who we miss everyday, we thank you and all your brothers and sisters in arm, for giving up yours lives for us.  We will never be able to repay the debt to you and you family.  Words don't change the pain, they don't mend the broken hearts and they don't full the emptiness that becomes life with you.  We love you, Billy.  I treasure the time I spend with you, talking to you.  I so wish you could talk back with me.
My Jacquie, today you will celebrate with Billy and the others and I know you will show them our love.  Love, mom


May 24, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, I found a poem in my TAPS magazine that I thought I would write to you.  It is called "Thanks For The Little While" and was written by Darcie D. Sims.  She is from the TAPS organization and an author of many books about grief.  I think her words are beautiful.

          Thank you for life, for its good times and bad.
          Thank you for love, even when I can't feel it.
          Thank you for the love I used to share,
           For the arms that held me tight.

          Thank you for my family
          In faraway places, in different times.
      
          Thank you for the songs we sang,
          For the dreams we saved,
          For the smiles we shared.
          
          Thank you for the strength that eludes me just now.
          Thank you for the weakness that sends me to my knees.
          Thank you for the searching, the reaching, the hoping.

          Thank you for the bonds of memory that hold me in place
          in this universe, even when I don't BELIEVE in it anymore
          or forget what it's all about.

          Thank you, most of all, for having been blessed
          with the love I have known, even now when I fear
          I will forget it.

          Thank you for memory
          And for filling it full measure for me.
          It wasn't nearly long enough,
          But it will have to do.
          Thanks for the moments we danced.

          Thanks for the little while.

My Jacquie, I love you.  Love your mom who is grateful for "The Little While"



May 21, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, today is your namesakes's birthday- Molly Jacqueline is two years old today.  She is something else.  I wish you could be here and know her.  She would keep you laughing and keep you running.  MJ (OUR nickname for her) is very different from big sister Olivia.  Where Olivia is cautious and not adventurous, MJ is all about the next challenge.  She wants to do everything and see everything.  She explores and tests her limits  in ways that Olivia never has.  MJ loves being at the gym, she loves her Team-up class.  You would have a tough time keeping up with her, I think.  So for her birthday, I will give her your presents if you could give her a "Tink Wink".  She may not know what that is now, but when she is old enough, we will let her know what a "Tink Wink" is and tell her stories about her very own special Angel who sends them to her.
My Jacuqie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you yesterday, today and I will love you even more tomorrow.  Love, mom


May 16, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, today I spent most of the morning and early afternoon working on your foundation things.  I have gotten a little behind because of the amount of time I have had to spend at the gym.  By the time I get home at night, I feel too tired to so much more than get ready for bed.  So today, I stayed home to catch up and I did pretty good.  I have had a lot of filing to do and with the new "Walk of Hope" project, I had to get things set up to track everything that has been coming in.  We are also trying to get information ready to get to Christine and Mindy for the Tinker Ball program.  This time of year it seems that everything needs to be done at the same time.  But I really liked being home, with you.  I feel you with me the most when we are together in the house.  I feel that you are there the way it used to be.  And when I talk to you, I can hear you talk to me.  And when I sing to you, I can hear you singing with me.  You are there with me and I can hold you in my heart.  That is the way it is supposed to be.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love love.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  I love you the sun and the moon and all the stars in the sky.  I love you.  Love, mom


May 13, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, I have had you in my thoughts constantly lately.  Every time I drive into the gym parking lot and I see your Center, I get emotionally.  Every time I walk into the gym office and I see the construction moving forward, I feel proud.  and I feel sad.  I wish more than ever that you were here with us to share in this event and to help us plan for what will be an everlasting tribute to you and your life.  I wish you were here to help pick out paint colors and carpet and tile.  I wish you were here to help decide where things will go and how to arrange furniture.  I wish you were here to tell us what you want, what you like and what you don't like.  I wish you were here.  I know I say that a lot but what else can I say.  The things you should be here for would mean so much more to us if you were here to share it.  We can only hope that the decisions we are making are ones that you approve of.  And we hope that when the Center is done, you are proud of what we and your family and friends have build for you and your foundation.  So many people have purchased the bricks and granite for your "Walk Of Hope'" that I think you will be able to see it from heaven.  You really should know that your dad and TJ have done the most incredible job making this Center happen.  I am always amazed at how much they know about construction and building and what needs to be done when.  I know they have put uo the gym and the next door building and TJ's building, but this will be their "crowning glory".  This will be their pride and joy.  And they are working so hard to make sure it is all you would want it to be.  The have done a truly wonderful job for you.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you so very much.  I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as I will love you tomorrow.  Every day when I wake up, I love you and I don't think I could love you any more than I do.  And then the next day I wake up, and I do love you more.  And on and on it goes.  It is DAY 2075 and still I wait for you, and I will wait for you as long as I have to.  And someday, we will all be together again.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  Love, your mom


May 11, 2014 
- Dear Jacquie, yesterday was Olivia's 7th birthday.  Yesterday was Stephanie's wedding.  Yesterday was Mrs. Thomas's funeral service.  You weren't there.  But you were with us.  I miss you and I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, mom


May 7, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, today I mailed a package to Ben Sauer from all of us.  He's the little 4 year old boy who was diagnosed with a brain tumor in January.  He as a twin brother and a little sister and his mom is expecting another baby soon.  He is not doing well and his mom has been writing on her blog about him to keep everyone updated on how he is.  It is so sad.  Again, Jacquie, another life and another family and more friends  who lives will forever be changed and devastated by cancer.  Ben is not going to be able to get better.  There is nothing the doctors can do for him except to "make him comfortable".  What kind of expression is that?  Comfortable?  I don't know if we were able to make you "comfortable".  i worried all the time if you were comfortable.  It was hard enough to do when you were still alert and talking to us, but once you were no longer able to tell us what you needed and wanted, it broke my heart to not know how to help you "feel better".  For Ben, I can only begin to imagine how hard it is for his mom and dad.  I feel so bad for them.  It brings back all those memories of the hours and days spent in the hospital with you and begging God for a miracle.  Begging God to take me instead of you.  Begging to wake up from the nightmare that was our lives.  And begging anyone to tell me "why".  And Jacquie, today I still ask "why"- why you, why Jamie, why Ben, why Jon, why Matthew and list goes on.  It never ends.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  In this month of May, I try to remind myself that we should celebrate your life and what you brought to our lives.  The joy and happiness and love that you gave so freely was a gift that could never be forgotten.  We will celebrate your birthday and we will honor you as you deserve.  For what you gave to all of us was the gift of love that will last a lifetime.  And I wait until we are all together again.  I love you, My Sweet Daughter.  Love, your mom


May 3, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, I received my "TAPS" magazine recently and there was a poem in there written by the father of a Marine who died.  The poem was so sad that I cried and couldn't stop.  It is a wonderful tribute, not to just the young man it was written about, but to all our servicemen and women who put their lives on the line everyday.  For us.  The name of the poem is  "Dear Son":

Dear Son, come walk beside me.   Let me tell you what I've seen
It's a story of a bright young man who became a great Marine
Sometimes he drove his parents nuts with things he'd say and do.
He's make them laugh and make them mad, but through it all they knew.
That God had plans for their young man, to help him be the best.
His pride and courage guided him: the Marine Corps did the rest.
He went to war and came home safe, his parents so relieved.
His war was over, so they thought.  But wrongly they believed.
The battles waged inside their son were going to be lost.
No help would come, for no one knew what would be the final cost.
One day Marines came to his folks, three solemn-faced young men.
They could not hide the sadness within each one of them.
His colonel said, "He was a water walker," a term used by Marines.
For soldiers of exemplary pride that accomplished missions by all means.
I guess God had one more mission, to put him to the test.
God called him home to guard the gates, God knew he was the best.
Now walk ahead Son, don't look back.  For this story has been true.
It hurts so bad to tell you that this story is of you.
So take your spot in Heaven Son, the one God called you to.
He has you in his arms, but knows our hearts are with you too.

It is signed "Love, Your dad Gary McHenry" surviving father of Christopher McHenry  July 18, 1988 - March 4, 2013

My Jacquie, I love you so very much.  Love,mom


April 30, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, today your dad, TJ and I went to see a "psychic".  We went because we heard that he "had" to talk to me, that he had things to tell me about you.  I know we were all unsure if we should go, why we were going and if we would be able to "BELIEVE" anything he had to say.  So many of our family and friends have gone to see "psychics" and "tellers" and such, and have come back to us with stories about you and have told us things that have been told to them about you.  I guess we were a little curious and I will admit, I would give anything to talk with you again, to see you again, to know you are safe, warm, happy and pain-free.  I admit that we were skeptical and maybe a little afraid.  Your dad went first, then I went, and then TJ.  Some of what he had to say could be applied to anyone.  He already knew about you so it was hard to tell if he was really "connecting" or just telling us what we wanted to hear.  I wanted so much for him to tell me things that only you and I would know, to say to me words that would only be words that would come from you.  I had really hoped, against my better judgement, that this would be my time with you.  But, it wasn't.  I felt angry at myself for thinking that way and for letting myself in for a huge disappointment.  I will never stop wanting to hear from you, from wanting, no- needing, to know that you are ok.  I will never be able to stop wondering if you miss us, and if you can even start to forgive me, because I can't talk with you.  I wait for signs, for "Tink Winks", that tell me you are still with me and that you haven't left me alone.  I had hoped this man would be able to reassure me of that, but he didn't.  So now I am still waiting.  For you.  And I will wait as long as I have to until we are together again.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom


April 27, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, we had your Level 1 & 2 Fun Meet at the gym today.  Jax, I wish you could have been there coaching with us.  The little ones are so darn cute and they are the age group you enjoyed working with the most.  They looked so sweet in their little leotards, with their hair in  pony tails or pigtails.  Most of them were just so excited to be there that they really didn't pay much attention to their routines or the judges, which was just fine with us.  Just listening to them talk and chatter is fun, you never know what they are going to say.  They were so excited to each get a trophy with their name on it!  The money raised will go to your dad and TJ for the Ride For Roswell team. 
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  When I think of you and the little ones, I think of how much you enjoyed teaching them and helping them to love learning.  I think of your enthusiasm and how you gave each child individual attention and made them feel special.  I know that those children whose lives you touched will always remember Miss Jacquie.  And hopefully, they will remember how you made them feel that they could accomplish anything they set their mind to.  You taught them to BELIEVE.
Jacquie,I will love you forever and ever and longer than that.   Love, mom
 

April 23, 2014 - Dear Jacquie,  I never imagined having to spend birthdays without you.  Maybe if we lived in different cities, or if one of us was away on a trip or out of town...then that would be okay.  We could talk on the phone or send each other a card or an email.  But this, this is not okay.  Its not okay to live without your voice, or your smile or a hug from you.  I don't know how 6 of my birthdays have come to pass and you haven't been able to be with me for them.  Yet here I am, celebrating another day and wishing I could see you just one last time.  I miss you so much everyday and I will love you always.  We are all working very hard to help other people and also to make sure that no one will ever forget you.  I hope you are proud of everything we are doing.  Since the day I said good-bye there will always be a whole in my heart that can never be fixed. I love you Jax. 

 Love Always, Your Big Brother TJ
 

April 23, 2014 -  HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY TJ!!!!!! I can't believe you are 32 years old today.  I wonder how it is that so much time has gone by and yet seems to have stood still at times.  What a gift we were given the day you were born.  A son.  A chubby little boy who never slept and was in constant motion from the time you were delivered.  Even at an early age, you were sure of what you wanted and went after it.  Yes, not all the time were the results good, but you learned from your mistakes.  You were a loving and affectionate little boy and your energy was unending.  You, our first child, taught your dad and I so much.  We knew nothing about being a parent except that we were determined to be the best we could be for you.  We knew that mistakes would be made along the way, and we worried that any or all of those mistakes would send you to therapy for life!!  We tried to be the parents to you that our parents were to us.  The man you are now is more than we could have ever hoped for you to be.  You are respected in so many areas, and  you are knowledgeable  to the point where older adults ask you for advice.  As a son, we could ask for nothing more- you are simply the best.  And as a brother, there are no words to say how very special you are to Jacquie.  She, of all people, understands what an incredible person you are, and everything you did and continue to do for her, gives her a never ending sense of pride in you and love for you.  To Jacquie, you were her world-, her big brother, her confidant, her " go to guy", and her best friend.   I am her mom, but you filled a role I was unable to- her big brother and protector.  There is stronger love between a brother and a sister, you and Jacquie are as one.  I know Jacquie wishes for you that you be happy.  More than anything in the world, she, as do your dad and I, wish for you to know love and happiness and contentment.  Jacquie would be the first to tell you that family is everything and a family's love will never die.  Jacquie would want for you to live your life to the fullest and to not worry about the little things.  And mostly, Jacquie would remind you that we all make mistakes and have regrets, but we learn from them and move on, we can't dwell on them because that stops us from truly living.  T
TJ, there is no measure for the amount of love I have for you and pride I feel for the man you are.  Sometimes I wonder if you will ever truly understand how much I love you and how hard it is to let go.  I don't want to hold onto you, I just want to be able to hold you.  I love you, My TJ.  I love you "thisssssssssssssss much".  Happy Birthday, love, mom
 

April 21, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, today dad went back to the doctor for the results of his latest PSA.  YEA!!!!!! it looks as though there is no big change in  the numbers and that means NO RADIATION, we hope, at least for 3 more months.  We will have to wait and see what the doctors at Roswell have to say.  They will present his case at their next meeting and let us know what the decision is.  We are hopeful, but also know that things can change in a heartbeat.  So again, we wait.  Love, mom
 

 April 19, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, yesterday dad and I went down to Geneseo for the Spring "Dodge-A Ball" Tournament that your SDT sisters hold for you.  There were 15 teams and everyone had such a good time.  Those kids are so competitive, they are all out to win and they really want the winners Tshirts!  Since we started designing shirts to bring down for the two top teams, the competition has grown and for especially the boys, it is a "fight to the finish".  I hope you saw the big sign your "sisters" made to hang up in the gym  It said "BEAT Cancer" using your sorority initials for the EAT and there was a huge drawing of Tink and your tagline "We Believe".  The only problem was that they couldn't find any paper big enough for what they wanted to do, so one of the girls "donated" her bed sheet!!  When I saw and heard that, I talked with dad and we decided to have John and Matt at Signworks do a banner for them so they have their own foundation banner for the Relay for Life and for the Dodge-A Ball events.  When we told them what we are planning to do they were so excited.  I can't wait until it's done and we take it down to them.  I bet they even keep it hanging in the sorority house.  We met many of the new pledges and reunited with the ones we haven't seen since Dancers Give Back.  It is so wonderful to be there, and listen to them speak about you and what you have inspired them to do and become.  The most amazing part is that now, there are no kids in the sorority who have actually met you.  All these girls have only heard about you and your story and they do all this for the beautiful, blond SDT who is a legend at Geneseo and in the SDTs.  YOU ARE AMAZING MY JACQUIE. 
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I wish you were here, I would hug you and never let you go.  I am so sorry I couldn't save you and keep you here.  I am so sorry I failed you.  I wanted very badly to be the best mom ever, and I couldn't do what I should have.  The regrets are part of my life now, part of who I am.  I want so much to hold you again.  My heart has never "healed" and the hole is still there, the wound and pain as fresh as the day you were taken from us.  I miss you Jacquie, and I wait for the day that we four are together again.  Love, mom
 

April 17, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, today is Aunt Sheryl's and my birthday.  I wish you were here.  We could go out to eat and go shopping and I could buy YOU gifts, since I don't like to shop for myself.   My wish for today is that you come to see me in my dreams tonight.  I will wait for you. 
Happy Birthday Aunt Sheryl, from Jacquie.  I love you very much.  Thank you for all you always did for me, and for all the time you spent with me.  I felt like one of your girls.  You made the time I was sick easier for me and for my mom.  I know she tells you this, but I will tell you too.  I don't know what she would do without you.  I send you love from heaven, and someday we will be together again.  Love, Jax
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  The light in my life is you, and you are what drives me to keep going instead of giving up.  I feel you still need me here, to finish what you started.  I will not give up- you never did.  I will keep trying harder no matter how bad things get and I hope I do not disappoint you.  Be safe and warm and fed and happy.  I love you Jacquie.  Love,, mom
 

April 13, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, a happy and sad weekend.  Yesterday we celebrated Joshie and Marie's marriage.  The wedding was beautiful.  She looked like a princess, he was so handsome.  The whole time was very special and it was an honor to be asked to share it with them.  As always, the sadness managed to sneak into my thoughts often.  Every wedding is a reminder of what has been taken from you.  I know you don't want me to think of that but I can't help it.  Just like the counting, it is my life now.  We wish them happiness and love for all the rest of their lives together.  The other very sad news is Howard passed away yesterday.  He has been sick for a while and didn't seem to have the strength to fight to get better anymore.  He is a wonderful man and I will miss him greatly.  If you see him, Jacquie, give him a hug and a kiss from me.  Also, tell him I miss him.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you more than you will ever know.  Please find a way to talk to me- through signs, or "Tink Winks" or what ever you can do.  I have to know you are ok,  I have to know that you are safe and happy.  I miss you so much that sometimes I just want to go to be with you.  I love you, My Jacquie.  love, mom
 

April 10, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, Day 2042.  Forever.  I am not proud of the fact that the numbers live in my head, but I won't apologize for it.  Counting the days since you were taken from us brings me closer to when we will be together again.
I went down to Roswell today to donate platelets but couldn't because my hemoglobin was too low again.  I left in tears, again. It is so hard to not be able to donate and help someone who needs blood the way so many helped you.  I have an appointment on May 1, so let's hope that I am ok to donate then.
I went to see Howard at the hospital today.  He is not doing well and I am afraid.  I am afraid he has lost the will to live.  He is alert sometimes, but also confused too.  He is no longer joking and teasing me and it hurts so much to see him this way.  I want  the old Howard back.  Please, Jacquie, look out for him and help him.  If it is time for him to leave us, make his way easy and pain free.  I don't want him to leave, but I don't want him suffering.  I love him so much.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you more that words could ever say.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I ever will be.  You are my light in the darkness, the sun on my cloudy days.  I miss you so much, everywhere I go, I want you with me.  I miss what we no longer have and I miss what should have been.  I love you and I am waiting for you to come to visit me.  I really need you.  Love, your mom forever
 

April 7, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, the weekend was difficult, but good.  When we arrived at the Tamarack Club, we were uncertain about what to expect, nervous, and wondering what were we doing there.  Should we have gone?   Is this going to be too hard to deal with?  How will it be being with so many other parents and families who have also lost children to cancer?  What we found was a wonderful organization called "The Punt Foundation" established by Buffalo Bill's punter Brian Morman and his wife.  The whole weekend was set up to give families time to connect with other who really "understand".  We talked, we shared memories, we cried and we laughed together.  No one judged us.  No one told us it has been long enough that we have been grieving and we should be "over it".  No one said "I understand" and really didn't understand.  We shared our pain and our anger and our questions of "why".  The group talks were helpful, it was reassuring to know that some of the habits I now have about Jacquie, other moms have for their children.  It made us feel that it's ok if we go on this way- there is no time limit on our grief and there is no one who has the right to tell us that we are not moving on" the way we should.  The candlelight ceremony on the last day was the very most special part of the weekend.  A slideshow presentation of all 25 of the children was shown to us, and it was amazing.  Our children, alive and full of life, in pictures and our memories.  Then, a poem was read called "Candle of Hope".....
          Four candles slowly burned
          The ambience was so soft one could almost hear them talking
          The first candle said "I am peace"
          "The world is so full of anger and fighting that nobody can keep me alight"
          Then the candle of peace went out completely.
          The second candle said "I am faith"
          I am no longer indispensable
          It does not make any sense that I stay awake one moment longer."
          Then a breeze blew out Faith's flame.
          Sadly the third candle began to speak.  "I am love"
          "People don't understand my importance,
          So they put me aside
          They even forget to love nearest to them.
          I don't have the strength to stay alight"
          And waiting no longer the candle of love went out.
          A child entered the room where the candles were
          And saw that three of the candles were unlit.
          "Why are you not burning?" said the child
          "You are supposed to stay alight until the very end"
          And  the child was  frightened and began to cry.
          Then the fourth candle said "Don't be afraid.  I am hope,
          And while I am burning we can light the other candles."
          With shinning eyes, the child took the candle of  Hope
          And lit the other candles.
 
          The flame of Hope should never go out from your life,
          And with Hope each of us can have a life with
          Peace, Faith, and Love.  
                   Author Unknown 
 
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  And I do have Hope.  Hope that someday soon we will all be together again.
Love, your mom
 

April 4, 2014 - Dear Jacquie,  this afternoon, your dad, TJ and I will leave for the Remembrance Weekend.  We are all a little nervous and uncertain about what this will mean to us.  I know you will be there, next to us and keeping us strong.  We will need your courage and your love and I know you will share it with us.  Love, mom
 

April 1, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, the first day of April.  Spring should be coming soon but it is so cold still.  This winter has been so long.  It has been snowing for months and the sun is hardly ever out.  It makes the days more depressing when it is not only cold but dark all day long too.  I hope that soon the weather changes or we will all be very depressed and miserable.  Today is another sad day, it is Jenna's anniversary.  And this year, Peter is without Cindy to be with.  I sent him a card but as always, words are hard to find.  How do you tell someone you are sorry their child died?  I know that there are no words that help, no words that can say I understand the pain and sorrow.  Words are so meaningless and it makes me angry that we have to find these words at all.  Why?  Every time I send a sympathy card or a card to make a sad anniversary,  I wonder how many more I will have to send before cancer is no longer.  No.  Not just cancer.  Until our children stop being taken from us for any reason.  There can be no greater loss than that of a child but every day those losses continue.  Why.  I am so mad.  I am so filled with questions and anger and sorrow and it is draining me.  I feel that between the gym and TJ's upcoming changes and you leaving us, I lose a little more of myself each day.  And in the mornings when I wake up, I wonder if there will be anything left of me.  I look for you- for "Tink Winks" and sometimes I need one so badly but I can't find one from you.  I wonder if those are the days that you try to make me stronger by no giving in to my weakness.  I am still waiting for you to come to see me. I need you to visit me.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you the sun, the moon and the stars in the sky.  You are my rainbow, the colors that brighten my life.  Please come to see me.  Love, mom
 

March 30, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, missing you terribly.  Loving you forever.  Love, mom
 

March 26, 2014 - Dear Jacquie,  a sad day today.  Two years ago today, the doorbell rang and I was told that Billy had been killed.  The soldiers had just come from the Wilson's.  I remember that day exactly as it happened, the way I remember the day the doctor told us you had leukemia.  I spent about an hour at the cemetery with Billy and I know you were there with me.  In the evening, many of Billy's family and friends went out to the Ale House to celebrate his life.  It was a party for him, to honor him and yes, to continue to mourn him.  The pain never leaves.
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you so much.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  Every minute of every day, I miss you.  I have learned to "go on" and to "move forward", but my heart stays in the past.  The past was happy, the past was you without pain.  The past didn't mean wondering all the time, what else could we have done.  The past worried about you but I could check on you, I could see you, I could if you were safe and warm and fed and happy and pain free.  I don't know that now.  I can't "see" you or hold you or touch you.  I can't ask you if you are happy and pain free.  I can't ask you if you need me.  I can't ask you if you forgive me.  I can only love you from here and hope you can feel my love in heaven.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom
 

March 22, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, well, yesterday we did it.  We went down to Roswell and signed our letter of intent to donate $50,000 over the next 5 years to the new pediatric oncology center at the Oishei Children's Hospital.  You will now have a room named for you, dedicated to you, on the children's floor.  Your wish to always be part of children's lives will be granted.  We are very excited about this and hope you are proud of our decision.  We promised you that you we would never  let anyone forget you.  Your name on this room will assure that people know about the incredible young woman whose name is on the door, they will know the world is a better place for them because of you.  And they will know how very much you are missed and forever loved.  We love you, My Jacquie.  Love, mom



March 19, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, another day, another person diagnosed with cancer.  Another person told they will have to fight to live.  I am so sick of it .  I am tired and heartsick and angry and mad and sad.  I just can't understand WHY.  With all the knowledge and technology WHY can't we win this fight.  WHY must people continue to hear those devastating words "You have cancer".  And who will be next?  Another family member?  A friend?  Another child?  We know it will happen.  It never stops.  The phone calls, the emails that tell us the "bad" news-  cancer has struck again.  When will this end?
I have tried to BELIEVE that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  That there will be a cure in our lifetime.  I have been told "Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.  You wait and watch and work; you don't give up."  I don't know who said that, but the people who have said those words to me must be wrong.  Because we have done that.  YOU did that.  All the others who fought and were still taken from us, did that.  And still, there is no light.
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  Time has "moved forward" and our lives have had to "move forward" too.  But so much of my heart is still in the past.  My heart is back with better days when you were here with us.  When you were happy and healthy and making plans for the future.  My heart is back when the four of us were together and sharing our lives and hopes and dreams.  You live in my heart, it will always be your home.  While you are away from us, you are still with us.  We are waiting to be together again, sharing laughter, smiles, happiness and our hopes and dreams.  I will love you forever.  Love, your mom
 

March 14, 2014 - Dear Jacquie,  again it has been another long week.  Busy and hectic at the gym, many Foundation issues to attend to.  We have been continuing to work on the Center for you and it is slowly moving forward.  I know TJ and dad and I had hoped we would have it done in time for the Grand Opening to be on your birthday but that won't happen.  The time we had to stop for dad and grandpa was too long for us to get back on our timeline now.  That was more important, for them to be healthy again.   We are all disappointed, but we know we would rather not rush and have everything just perfect.  If we rush, we will end up not having it the way we want it to be for you.  Every little detail must be just right so that when we are done, it will be amazing!  You are going to be so awed by what all of us- your friends, family and friends you have never met, have done in your honor and your memory.  I hope you will be proud of us.
My Jacquie, I miss you.  I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul. I love you with every breath I take and each beat of my heart.  You are my sun and you light up my life.  You are my rainbow and you give my life color.  You are the stars in the night sky and you give me peace.  I love you now, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your BFF- your mom
 

March 10, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, thank you for taking care of Cindy today during her surgery.  Like everyone, we had hoped the first surgery would be the last and the cancer wouldn't come back.  But it did.  Keep her well and stay by her side.  Give her some of your strength and courage to fight this relapse and maybe, just maybe, this will be the last.
I love you forever and ever, you mom
 

March 9, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, I have been sick with the flu for a few days now, so not much going on.  I try not to be whiney.  I remember how much you went through and all the pain and discomfort.  I remember all the times I cried for you because you wouldn't cry.  And I know that however bad I feel, it will never ever get close to what you went through.  I have enjoyed being home with you, even though I am sick, because it is just us- with the photos, the scrape books and the memories.   I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

March 5, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, today was a little better than most days.  TJ came over this morning so we could have our weekly meeting here at the house instead of at the gym.  I made breakfast for us.  We missed you.  I had all your favorites- pancakes, eggs, biscuits, fruit, toast sausage, bacon and home fries.  Your chair was empty but I could feel you there.  I could feel your love and your laughter and your smile.  I could picture you and TJ teasing each other over who ate the most.  I could hear you both saying you were full and needed a nap.  We missed you.  We did a lot of work for your Foundation and we are making progress with the new web site, the new logo and your new "Center For The Jacque Hirsch For A.L.L. Foundation".  It is going to be so beautiful and help us do more for finding a cure.  You WILL be so proud of us when it is finished.  When we talked today, I could hear you voicing your opinion on different issues and I hope I was able to let dad and TJ know what you wanted.  I know we are behind the schedule we had originally set, but we had to take time off for dad and grandpa.  Now, we are making up for lost time and we will finish it.  It is hard having you and TJ out of the house, it is so empty without you.  I can't understand parents who say they can't wait for their children to move out and go away on their own.  I wish we could have all stayed together forever.  Someday, we will be together forever.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You have made our lives complete and we have you in our hearts always.  Every minute of every day, you are with us.   You continue to teach us, and guide us.  You give us strength when we are weak and you hold us up when we stumble.  You have shown us courage and now we try to be courageous.  You have shown us love, and we try to be loving.  You have shown us the true meaning of family, and we will always be four.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom
 

March 2, 2014 - Dear Jacquie,  today your dad and I went down to Brockport to watch Lily's college meet.  We had posted this for the girls team to go as a "road trip" so the younger gymnasts would be able to see college level gymnastics.  Quite a lot them came, and I know they enjoyed the meet a great deal.  The gymnastics was amazing and Lily had a fantastic meet.  I think the little ones are going to be really pumped up when they get back into the gym this week.  It would have been so much better if you had been with us.  We would have made note together for new moves to try with some of the girls and we would have laughed at some of the really horrible floor music!  We would have enjoyed seeing the little one marvel at moves they have never seen before and listening to them saying "I want to lean that".  And of course, you would have love going out to dinner afterwards with Lilly, her mom, Carol and dad and I.  We missed you.  We both missed you being there with us and sharing the time with the kids.  And we missed making new memories with you.  Again.  As always.  I hope you were with us Jacquie.
My Sweet Daughter,  I miss you and I love you.  Days and weeks.  Months and years.  They go on in life but not in time.  For without you, time stands still.  Things change, but for me they are the same.  My life is still so much with you.  And time cannot change what my heart feels.  Time cannot make the emptiness go away, or the pain less.  Time can only continue I on the clock or on a calendar.  Time cannot take away the memories or the what ifs.  Time cannot give us back what we have lost.  Time cannot bring us you.  But someday, time will bring us together again.  Until then, I will wait for time.  Love, your mom
 

February 28, 2014 - Dear Billy,  Happy Birthday!  We all miss you so much.  You should be here.  You should be celebrating this special day with your family and friends.  You should be going out and partying.  You should be laughing and joking and teasing.  You should be making new memories.  YOU should be here.  But you are not.  Your life was taken by another soldier how was supposed to be a "friend".  You gave your life for our country, fighting a war that is not ours.  You gave your life with honor, the way you lived your life.  I know how much your mom and dad and Jer and Wes miss you.  I know how much your other family and all your friends miss you.  I know that this day hurts us all.  But I also know we will celebrate you life and honor you as you deserve.  We will all make a trip to see you, sometime today.  We will spend many moments remembering.  We will laugh and at times we will cry.  We will wonder "what ifs" and we will ask ourselves "why".  We will hope you and Jacquie are celebrating and eating and drinking.  We will want to BELIEVE that together you are laughing and joking and looking down from heaven at all us fools who are trying so hard to be brave but failing miserably.  Because today, YOU should be HERE, with us.  We love you, Billy.  We will love you forever.  Take care of our Jacquie.  Take care of each other.
Love, Torey, Sharon and TJ
 

February 24, 2014 
- Dear Jacquie, yesterday your dad and TJ finally got home.  It seems longer than 12 days since dad left.  It is hard when they are both gone,  things always go wrong when they are away.  This time besides the "normal" go wrongs, there were so many more.  I was counting the days until they came back.  Last night we had a foundation meeting and we were able to accomplish quite a bit.  We are back to moving ahead with the construction of your "Center" and things are having to move quickly to get us back on our timetable.  We lost a few months with your dad and grandpa being sick but now we really have to get going.  We are also moving forward with the new website and logo so there are a lot of things that have to be changed and updated.  We have accomplished so much since your Foundation began and now we are ready to step it up and move on to the next phase.  We will need a great deal of help to do this, hopefully, we will have people who will come on board to do this with us.  Because no matter how much we want to succeed, we cannot do it alone.  There IS strength is numbers and we want to be so strong for you.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am, and all that I will ever be.  You are the sun that shines in the day and the moon that glows at night.  You are rainbows and raindrops.  You are all that is good, and loving and caring.  You are wise beyond your years and a child at heart.  Your are my child and my heart.  And I WILL love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom
 

February 21, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, I think you and I are the only ones who remember that today is and "anniversary" day for you.  Six years ago today, we were in New York City for your first bone marrow transplant.  So today is your sixth birthday of your second "birth-day".  Every year on your two transplant birthdays, I relive the day.  I remember every moment.  I remember the feelings of hope and anticipation and also the feelings of fear and uncertainty of the unknown.  And not a day goes by that I don't give thanks for the unselfish person who gave us that extra time with you and gave us two more "birth-days".  I realize now how much we BELIEVED that you would be one of the survivors, because for us, there was no other option.  You would survive and you would go on to live your life, your hopes and your dreams.  There was no room for doubt, you would survive.  And now, without you, there are still days when I don't know how I will continue to survive without you.  As much as I still have, I don't have you here with me.  And there is no one who understands how much I miss you.  I'm sure that means that I am dysfunctional, that I am too tied up in my memories and that moving on is what I SHOULD be doing.  You know what?  I can't.  Our lives are too filled with reminders of what is missing and what will never be.   I wonder all the time- "what would Jacquie's life be like now?".  Married?  Children?  Job?  Home?  Vacations and travel?  Everything we always talked about, where would you be now.  Would we have our grandchildren?  Would our empty bedrooms upstairs be decorated for when our grandchildren come to stay with us?  Would all the baby furniture and toys and clothes that I kept for my grandchildren be out of the basement storage and in those bedrooms now?  Where are you Jacquie?
My Jacquie, You know I miss you and I love you.  And no matter how much time passes that will not change.  My longing to see you again grows each day as does my love for you.  And although we have our empty chair, we will always be 4.  And the chair will not always be empty, for someday we will all be together again.  Love, your mom
 

February 17, 2014 - Dear Jacquie,  did you enjoy our day yesterday?  I did.  It was a good day.  We spent the day together- all day!  I didn't have to leave the house and we spent the day looking through photo albums and scrape books.  I worked on some of your Foundation things too, and managed to get a lot down.  I wish I could spend all my days home with you.  Dad and TJ are doing well, so far.  Thank you for keeping them safe.  I will hope we have another day together soon.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You are every beat of my heart and every breath I take.  You are with me always and I will never let you go.  I will be beside you wherever you are and someday, we will be together again- the 4 of us, as it should be.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom
 

February 14, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, Happy Valentine's Day my sweet Valentine.  Another holiday where I have a card for you that you cannot read.  I will read it to you tonight.  Just remember,  You are MY Valentine now and forever.  I wish you were here so I could buy you chocolate and the candy hearts with the sayings on them.  There is a box of them here at the house, for you.  I know you will not be able to eat them, but you will know that we love you and miss you so very much.  I love you, My Jacquie and I would give anything to be able to tell you that while I am holding you.  Your first Valentine's Day, you had a cute little white dress with a teddy bear on it with hearts all around the bear.  You had white tights with hearts on them and black little Mary Jane shoes.  You looked so cute!  Why are we not dressing up your little girl for her first Valentine's Day? 
My Jacquie, everyday without you is a test for us.  A test of our strength and our commitment to you.  We will not fail you, we will not disappoint you.  We will make you proud.  Happy Valentine's Day, My Sweetheart.  Love, your Valentine
 

February 13, 2014 
- Dear Jacquie, yesterday dad left for Florida.  He will be gone for 12 days.  He is going down to see Anunt Elenore to help her around her house and yard.  He and Grandpa usually go down but now that Grandpa is sick, he can't go.  I am worried that your dad will do too much but you know how he is- he will do whatever has to be done.  Then on Friday, he will drive to Orlando for the meet the gym girls are competing in.  He will be there until Monday.  TJ is going to drive down on Friday and meet  dad and then on Monday they will drive to Nettles Island.  There, they have a huge job ahead of them.  They will be cleaning out Nana and Grandpa's house because they will not be able to go down there anymore.  It is sad because they did so enjoy spending time there with their "Florida Friends".   Dad and TJ will have to clean everything out,  some stuff will be just thrown out but a lot of it they have to pack up in the car trailer and bring home to Nana and Grandpa.  I am so glad that TJ will be going down to help, I wouldn't want dad to have to do it all by himself.  I am worried about dad being gone so long- it seems every time he and TJ are out of town, things go wrong, at home and or the gym.  Twelve days is a long time.  Please watch over them and keep them safe.  The weather has been so bad this winter and I wish they weren't going to be driving so far away. Keep watch over them, My Angel.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  mom
 

February 10, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, the meet yesterday went well.  It was a long day, but for you- it was worth it.  The boys competed  pretty well and a number of them placed.  I hope you watched the meet and saw all the boys in their orange t-shirts.  I wish you had been with us.  Nothing is ever the same without you.
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  Never will we forget, Always will we grieve.  Forever will we love you.  Love, mom
 

February 7, 2014 - Dear Jacquie,  Guess what Sweetheart?  Today I went to Leon's Studio to get my hair colored.  They all know you there, even though no one who works there has ever met you.  They know your story, your fight, your life.  While I was there, they told me that they had something for me.  Deanna, my hairdresser, brought over a little envelope with a gift card in it.  When I opened it, the cover was red with two peoples hands/fingers linked together making the shape of a heart.  It is the same design that is on your website- the "Where in the World" photo that Mark and Christine took at the Grand Canyon.  The gift card had your information on it (the web site, etc) and said that a percentage of the sale of all gift card sold until Valentines Day would be donated to The Jacquie Hirsch For A.L.L. Foundation!!!!!!!  How amazing is that!!!!!  What a wonderful gift from Leon, Nick and everyone at the studio.  It was such a surprise and honor to have them do this for you.  It makes me remember how kind people can be, how caring and generous humanity is capable of being if only they take the time to show it.  I was speechless and then I cried.  I cried for you and I cried because I didn't know how to express our thanks and gratitude to them for giving you this gift.  I can't ever think of how I will thank them, but I will try to find a way. 
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you the sun, the moon, and the stars in the sky.  When I think of you, I think of all that is good and right in my life.  I think of how much you gave to all of us- the laughter, the tears, the joy, the happiness, the memories and the love.  And I think of being with you again, of being able to hold you and kiss you and touch you.  Someday, we will all sit around the table and there will be no empty chairs.  Then, and only then, will everything be right again.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever
 

February 3, 2014 
- Dear Jacquie,  Three days into the second month of the new year already.  I don't know how the time can move so quickly for some things and so slowly for others.  Time has stood still for so long for you.  It will forever stand still.  For us, it moves forward but to where?  Sometimes,  I think that the clock should have stopped the day you were taken from us.  Most days, time is not my friend.  I want time to stop at bedtime and stay there.  Not going to happen, Jax, I know.  The good thing about time moving forward is that it brings us all closer to being together again. 
The past few days have been busy at the gym, we are getting ready for the 6th Annual Jacquie Hirsch Memorial Boys Challenge.  The boys meet is much smaller and less complicated than the girls meet was, and is only the one day (Sunday).  I hope you like the t-shirts.  We used orange this year (Leukemia color) and John did a wonderful job on the design.  As always, I ordered one for you.  Your closet has all the t-shirts for everything we have done, every event that has a t-shirt I have gotten one for you.  My brain knows you won't ever wear them, but my heart has to have them for you so you know that you are always in our thoughts and we never forget you.  I can't wait to see the award Tony Martin comes up with, they always do the most outstanding trophies and medals for your meets.  Rose misses you so much and would do anything for you.  I wish you were here.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you so much.  On these very cold and snowy days, I wish so much that we could snuggle up on the couch with hot chocolate, popcorn and a movie.  I wish I could hear you laughing and we could joke around while memorizing the dialogue.  Then you and TJ could quote the phrases to each other and laugh all over again.  I love you so much, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom
 

January 31, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, I'm sorry.  I had another bad day today.  I spent most of the day looking at photo albums, and scrapebooks and remembering.  It hurts.  The photos of you and your life are so amazing,  your life should have lasted forever.  You should have had time- more time- to smile and laugh and love.  You should have been given the gift of a family and children and the chance to keep teaching children.  You should have had the chance to fill more albums and make more memories.
I found a poem for you, it is called "I Am Always With You" and I hope you like it.
 
                                            See the dove rest
                                            In the arms of the tree
                                            Know I am at rest
                                           My burdens set free
 
                                            Hear the dove sing
                                            Amid blossoms anew
                                            A song for your heart
                                            "I am always with you"
 
                                            See the wings rise
                                             To the blue skies above
                                             As comfort surrounds you
                                             In the warmth of my love
 
                                             And watch the dove fly
                                             With the sun shinning bright
                                              Then know I am home
                                              As I soar towards the light.
 
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You are each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  And you are My Daughter, now and forever.  And I will love you forever. Love, your mom
                                             

January 28, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, I had trouble getting out of bed today.  My heart was very heavy missing you.  Some days, it seems, the pain is worse and the need to be home with you is so great that I can't leave here.  Today was one of those days.  I am feeling more down lately because of all the things going on around us- the new families, the new babies, the grandchildren and the thoughts that you will never have those.  Some days, thoughts of what you are missing crowd my head and I can't get them out.  I think of all that you should have now, all that you should be enjoying and experiencing and I get depresses and angry all over again.  I can't stop wondering and asking "why Jacquie".  I can't stop thinking that if there really was a God, he wouldn't have let this happen to you.  A God wouldn't have taken such a special person from those who love her and need her.  A God wouldn't let this happen.  But he did, didn't he.  And time has not made this easier, in spite of those who insist "time heals all wounds".  Time has given us nothing but memories that will never be.  Time is not our friend, but an enemy who reminds us of what has been lost.  Time is moving on while our lives stay in the past.
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  Today was a bad day.  I promise I will do better tomorrow.  Please be patient with me and try to understand.  I know what you expect of me, what you want me to do, but I am your mom and sometimes I can't get myself to do what is expected because I just need to grieve.  I can't stop missing you and wishing you were here with us.  We were so strong, the 4 of us,  now we are struggling with all we have to deal with.  We are trying, Jacquie, but you must be patient with us.  I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom
 

January 24, 2014 
- Dear Jacquie, this week was busy.  Dad had 3 days of doctor appointments.  I guess we could say that things are just ok.  His numbers haven't changed which is good, but he still has cancer.  I scares me so much, I just want it out of him, NOW!  But all the info we have received this week leads us to a different decision.  It seems the best route is to "wait".  We have been advised to not have dad start radiation unless and until his numbers start to rise.  It seems that the "National Standards" indicate that starting radiation too soon is not a good way to go because it causes problems down the road.  Too much radiation before it is really necessary could make the radiation less effective once it is really needed.  To me, it makes sense, sort of.  I guess to me, having cancer makes it necessary.  But the doctors feel that until the cancer starts to progress, it is best to wait.  We will have to trust them on that, but its hard.  I know you are keeping an eye on dad and grandpa, but please keep them healthy and safe.  Please.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You are the sunshine, the moonlight and the rainbows in my sky.  I miss having you here and talking things over with you.  You were always so wise for your age, and you gave me insight that I never saw on my own.  You helped me make decisions and to trust in my decisions.  When we come home at night, I still wait to see you at the door.  I still kiss you goodnight.  I still miss you so much.  The four of us will always be and someday, we will be together again.  Love, mom
 

January 20, 2014 
- Dear Jacquie, Well, we all did it again.  The meet is in the past and it was a huge success.  Thank you for helping us through it and for making sure the weather cooperated.  I really think this was the best meet yet.  Did you like this year's t-shirts?  I like the shirts but I didn't like the color.  I think there was too much blue in the purple, but it was something new to try and now we know for next year.  We had everything planned out so well and I don't think we could have asked for it to have gone any better.  The coaches, gymnasts, and judges were very complimentary and it was nice to hear good things instead of complaints.  I hope we made you proud.  I hope as you and Billy looked down from heaven, your felt pride in your family and friends and that you are pleased with how we are trying to continue to keep your memory alive.  We will not let you be forgotten.
 My Daughter,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as I will love you tomorrow.  My love for you grows with each passing moment as does my sorrow.  I am so sorry that I failed you.  I am so sorry I had to let you go.  I am so sorry, My Jacquie.  I love you, mom
 

January 15, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, tomorrow we start 4 days of the of Foundation's first event of 2014- The 6th Annual Jacquie Hirsch Memorial Girls Challenge.  We will spend all day tomorrow setting up the gym for your meet.  We have a record 550 girls entered- 110 more than last year!!!!  We are hoping that we make a lot of money for the Foundation in addition to hosting a fantastic meet that everyone will want to come back to next year.  We are very blessed that we have some really great parents who have worked very hard to make this meet a success and I truly BELIEVE that it will be amazing.  We could, as always, use a little help with the weather if you can do anything to make sure we don't get too much snow:).  Stay with us, be with us, watch us honor you.
My Jacquie, I miss you so much still. It has been so long since we have been together, since I have held you and seen your smile.  It has been 1957 days,  the year your dad and I were born.  We miss you in everything we do and everywhere we go.  You are not with us, not really.  You are there but I can't touch you and hold you.  But I can still and always will, love you.  You are my heart and my soul and you are the reason I get up each morning.  I know that is what you want me to do.  So I do.  But I am waiting to be with you again.  I love you, My Sweet girl.  Love, your mom forever
 

January 10, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, I dreamed of you last night.  I didn't want to let go of you.  I didn't want to wake up.  In my dream we were shopping at the mall.  It was just like it used to be- shopping, laughing, spending money, eating and looking at people.  It was a wonderful dream and I would have given anything to stay in it forever.  Then, today the mailman brought a catalog and as I was looking through it, I found this little poem that you must have sent me.  I think you knew how much it meant to me to have you visit my dream, so you sent me a "love note".  It is called "Heavenly Star":
 
               When I had to leave you, I didn't go far.
               Look up in the heavens, I'm a brilliant shinning star.
               When we miss each other and want each other near,
               You shine your light upon the earth, and I'll shine my light up here.
               So we always will remember when we seem so far apart,
                To shine our lights together with love upon our hearts.
              
Thank you the dream, thank you for the poem.  You are always with me, in my dreams and in my heart.  You will never be "gone".
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you very much.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You are my shinning light in the darkness and you are colors in my rainbows.  I love you with each beat of my hear and every breath I take.  You are my sunshine and my raindrops, my strength and my courage.  I love you Jacquie, now and forever.  Love, mom
 

January 7, 2014 - Dear Jacquie, today we had a snow day from the gym  As you know, we rarely close but between the snow, the wind chill factor and the driving warnings, we felt we should close.  Of course, as you also know, people will complain.  If we close, they complain, if we stay open they complain.  It's a no-win situation no matter what we decide to do.  We went to the gym anyway because we had work to do for your upcoming meet.  The 6th Annual Jacquie Hirsch Memorial Girls' Challenge is in 10 days and we have a record 554 gymnasts entered.  And as always, I am stresses about everything.  We have never run more than about 440 gymnasts through during the whole weekend, and the extra 104 children will be a real test for us.  I am confident that we have the ability to do it, but as always, the factors we cannot control worry me.  I am sure you will do whatever you can to help out with the weather.  A bad snowstorm would really not be good, so if you can help out with that, it would be great!  I am ready for bed, My Jacquie, I will see you in my dreams. 
Love, your mom
 

January 2, 2014 - Dear Dad, Happy Birthday to the very best dad in the whole world.  I know that your birthday wish is that I was there with you to eat cake and sing happy birthday to you.  I am with you, always.  Although I an not there is person, I have never left you.  I am with you in all you do and am always by your side.  I want you to know how much I love you and miss you.  There is no one else I would have ever wanted to be my dad.  You taught me so much and gave me the chance to grow and become my own person.  You loved me from the day I was conceived and you never missed a chance to tell me or show me how very much I was loved and treasured.  If I could make a birthday wish for you, it would be that you will always know, and never forget, how much I miss you and how much I love you.  You will always be my dad and I will always be your "little Jacquie Hirsch"  I love you dad.  Happy Birthday
 

December 31, 2013
- Dear Jacquie, New Year's Eve.  Without you.  Again.  I hope you are happy and well and pain free.  I hope you are smiling and laughing and eating all you want.  I hope you are sleeping well and are rested when you wake up.  I hope you are playing and dancing and singing.  And I hope you know how much I miss you and I love you.  A New Year will not change that.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom
 

December 29, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, you were again missed at another successful Foundation event.  Today was the Buffalo Bills Party at the gym and we had a great turnout- 60 people, more than last year.  Once again, the Bills lost (no surprise there, right Jacquie!) but most of the people there weren't really watching the game, they were eating and drinking and playing on all the equipment.  I am pretty sure everyone had fun and enjoyed the day.  We keep going Jacquie, for you, for your memory and for your Foundation.  And your wonderful family and friends continue to support you and show you how very much they miss you and love you.  And that will never change. 
My Jacquie, today is day 1940.  And no matter what "they" say, time does not heal all wounds.  After all this time, the pain stays and lives in my heart.  It is with me always.  But most importantly, YOU are with me always.  YOUR memories are with me always and no matter how bad the pain is, it will never take that away from me, and from you.  I read this on a greeting card and I want to share it with you-
 
           " They call each other at least once a week, usually at least once a day, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day.  They share clothes, DVDs, advice.  They go shopping together, have lunch and finish each other's sentences.  They are best friends.  But not the I've-known-her-since-third-grade kind.  These are best friends who are also bound together in that deepest and most profound of human connections: they are mother and daughter."
 
I hope that you feel they way I do and think that that is you and me.  I wish you were here.  I miss you so much. I love you, My Jacquie- now and forever.  Love, mom
 

December 26, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, today it's just you and me, all day.  I am not going out, I am staying in with you.  We can look through photo albums and pictures and spend the whole day together.  Just you and me, the way we would do whenever we both had a "free day".  We are just going to "hang out" together and do our mother/ daughter thing.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

December 25, 2013 - Merry Christmas, My Jacquie.  Oh how I wish you were here.   I wish you were here to open the gifts we  have for you and to read the cards that are here for you.  As always, you and I will get together today and I will read cards to you and open your gifts, but you should be here doing it with us.  I know you saw the Vera room and it makes me so sad that you will not be able to fill it up with me.  Your Veras are waiting for you on your shelves.  TJ will be here with us for part of the day, and we will go to Nana and Grandpa's house for a little while after stopping in at Danielle's.  But you will not be with us.  I miss you.  Merry Christmas, My Daughter.  I will love you forever.  Love, mom
 

December 21, 2013
- Dear Jacquie, when you were born, I could never have imagined the relationship you and I would have.  I never would have imagined that not only would you be my daughter, but my best friend.  I had such a strong need to protect you from anything that could hurt you, but I knew that I couldn't do that.  For if I did, I knew that you would not be prepared to face the "real world".  I wanted to put you in a cocoon, you and TJ, and keep everything bad away from you, but that wouldn't help you to learn how to deal with all that life would be throwing at you as you grew up.  So instead, I tried to find a way to protect but at the same time, give you the chance to make decisions and develop confidence in yourself.  I tried to show you and explain to you what I thought would be the most important things in life that I could teach you.  But I didn't protect you enough, did I?   I have loved you every second of your life, that I know I did do right.  I tried to always support you, as your mom and your friend.  No matter that we are apart for now, I will always love you and cherish you.  I will always want you to know that since the day you were born you made our lives complete.  And, never ever doubt that you will always be my best friend. 
My Sweet Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I ever will be.  You are the sun that shines in the sky, the moon that glows bright at night.  When I look up into the heavens, I hope you are looking back at me.  And I hope that you know how much I wish we were together again.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

December 18, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, I miss you.  I always miss you.  I missed you so much last night at the staff Christmas party.  We had it at the Ale House and Kerri was working.  You would have had a great time.  You should have been there.  Almost everyone came and I think everyone had a good time.  The staff gave your dad and I a wonderful Christmas gift- a very generous donation to you and your Foundation.  It was really nice of them and made us realize that they know how important it is to us to keep your memory alive and to keep working to raise the funds we need to make the Foundation do what we know it must do.  Our staff realizes that our commitment to you, your memory and your Foundation grows stronger everyday.  We are lucky that we have such caring staff working with us.  You should be here to be working with them.  You should be here.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  It is one week until Christmas and I am anxious for it to be over.  It is a lot of planning and shopping and decorating for just one short day.  Another day without you.  I am waiting, Jacquie.  I am waiting for you to come to see me.  I will wait as long as you need to me, but I really really need to see you.  I love you and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom
 

December 14, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, it's been a hectic week at home and at the gym.  At home, it's been busy getting ready for Christmas-ugh!!  Too much stress worrying about what to get everyone and how to make sure it's the "right" gift.  The shopping, the driving around in too much traffic, the malls and stores crowded with panicked shoppers who only have 10 shopping days until Christmas make me crazy.  Added to that is the gym- the parents and the gymnasts who are having trouble doing what they should be doing.  The parents who want to be coaches instead of parents really need to find something else to do with their spare time.  The gymnasts need to pay more attention to what they should be doing and spend less time letting their parents coach them.  All of them just need to do what they should be doing and not worry about what anyone else is doing.  Most nights I drive home and just wish I didn't have to go back.  I wish you were here for me to talk to, you know what I am feeling.  I wish you were here to share your words of wisdom and help me sort through this.  You were always so good at that- helping others work through problems and talk things out.  I wish........
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky.  When I look up, I imagine that you are looking down and can see me.  I imagine that you are smiling and happy.  But I am waiting to hear from you to tell me that is so.  I need you to let me know you are well, that you are healthy and not in pain any longer.  I need to know that you are where you want to be so that you can be safe and well.  And I need you to let me know that you miss us, that you think of us and you know how much we miss you and love you.  And I need you to know that I am waiting until we are all together again- the way it is supposed to be.  Because life the way it is now, is not how is was meant to be.  Someday, we will be together again.  But never doubt, we still are 4 and we still are 1.  Love, your mom
 

December 9, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, I hope you were with us last night at the Foundation meeting.  We accomplished so much!  We made many decisions that were needed and I think we did really well.  Some of our meetings get a little heated sometimes because we all have very different ideas about what is best for the Foundation. But last night, for some reason unknown to me, we were able to discuss issues quietly and calmly and make decisions without too much arguing.  It was nice.  And when you see the results for what we have done, I hope you will really be proud of us!    It isn't easy to reach decisions when there are so many of us trying to have input.  We are all emotionally involved so much, that sometimes we only do what our heart wants instead of what is best.  We do our best, however, and you can always count on that.  It may take us a while to get there, but we will get there.  
Love, your mom
 

December 8, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, yesterday I went to the Williamsville North Swimming and Diving Banquet to present the 2 scholarship awards from you and the Foundation. This is the 5th year we have presented these awards, but only the second time I have had to go without your dad or TJ.  They were both out of town so I went to make the presentation.  I spent a lot of time writing and practicing my speech.  I wanted it to be perfect so that you would be proud of me.  I didn't want to make an idiot of myself and have people thinking," wow what is she babbling about?".  But when I got up to speak, I couldn't do my speech that I had written, it just didn't seem right.  So, I just spoke what my heart said to say.  I think it went ok, at least no one booed or threw things at me.  But the first thing that came into my head when I finished was "I hope Jacquie is proud of me, I hope she thinks I did a good job".  Because, as always, it is you that I need to do well for.  It is you I want to make proud of me.  It is you that I need to prove to that I am worthy of running your Foundation.  Your opinion matters more than anybody else.  I couldn't stand it if you weren't proud of me.  All I do is for you.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with each beat of my heart and every breath I take.  I think of you always and wonder if you are thinking of us.  Do you miss us?  Do you see how hard we are trying to make you proud?  Do you think we are doing what you want with your Foundation?  Are we going in the direction you want us to?  Are we with you always, as you are with us?  Can you feel our love for you?  Do you know how much we miss you?  I am waiting for you, My Jacquie.  My arms are empty and waiting to hold you.  My dreams are wrong because you are not in them to make them right.  I am waiting, My Jacquie.  Love forever and ever and longer than that, your mom
 

December 5, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, today your dad and I celebrated our 33rd  wedding anniversary.  33 years of marriage.  Ups and downs, but always in love.  I have known your dad since I was 13 years old and I believe that we both knew that we had found the one we would spend the rest of our lives with.  And the only thing we felt was missing from our marriage was children.  So when TJ and you came along, our family was complete.  The 4 Hirschs were one.  We knew that someday, we would want you and TJ to find your soul mates.  The person who would complete you and be the one to raise a family with.  We hoped that someday, the circle of the Hirschs would become bigger, with our children's children- our grandchildren.  We wished for you both, that special love that never ends.  Our wish for you will not come true.  Maybe it will for TJ, but your life will not be completed.  It makes me so sad and so mad that you will not have a 33rd wedding anniversary.
My Sweet Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  I love you more that words will ever be able to express.  And that love will never die, it will grow with each passing day.  And, I will wait for you to come to me- in my dreams or in my day.  I will wait as long as you need me to, because I need to see you, to hear you, to hold you.  I love you My Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

December 1, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Bianca's birthday today.  Cindy's service today.  A beautiful gathering to say goodbye to a very special lady.  She gave so much to the sport of gymnastics and will be greatly missed.  Like you, Cindy always gave more than she got and never missed a chance to be kind to a child.   She was a teacher in every sense of the word and her classroom was a gym.  She will be remembered for always putting the child first and I know that there are thousands of gymnasts, coaches and other judges who will have special memories of her. 
My Jacquie, I miss you, I love you, and I want to be with you.  I am waiting for the "holidays" to be over.  I am waiting to not have to "celebrate" another Christmas without you.  I love you so much and I have missed not hearing from you in a while.  I wait for you in my dreams, but wake up without you.  I really would love to have you come and visit me.  I could use a little help getting through the next month or so.  I know I have much to be happy about but the fact is, my heart still hurts, my mind still waits for you and my arms are still empty without you.  Please come to see me, please let me know you are still with me.  Please don't leave alone.  Love, mom
 

November 28, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Today is Thanksgiving, and we are missing you so much.  Our sixth one without you and it seems like forever since you ate turkey and dressing with us.  I can still see your excitement in the morning, just waiting to be able to eat all your favorite foods all day long.  It seems so unfair.  It makes me so mad.  Today, Peter will spend his first Thanksgiving without Cindy.  How sad for him.  How sad for all of us who will have to have an empty chair at the table.
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you sooooooo much.  I wish the pain would go away.  I wish the reminders of what we have lost didn't hurt so much.  I wish you were here.  I love you, My Jacquie and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, mom
 

November 27, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Cindy died today.  Please be sure she is with Jenna.  Someday, I will be with you.  Love, mom
 

November 25, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, doesn't it seem as though I am writing and talking to you and asking for your help so much lately?  So much pain and sorrow.  So much, too much.  Tonight, I am asking for you to look out for Cindy and Megan.  Cindy is fighting for her life, but I don't know how much more she can fight.  She has been through so much.  Her life has not been easy.  She has suffered many losses and losing Jenna had to be horrible- terrible, for her and Peter.  Just as having you taken from us was.  Then, all the medical issues she has had to deal with, have taken a toll on her.  Cindy is a unique human being.  She is caring and considerate, and gentle and tough.  She gives and gives and asks nothing in return.  What she has done for thousands of gymnasts and judges cannot be duplicated.  She has taught all of us so much and what she taught us will be passed on for generations to come.  She is like you.  The world needs more Jacquie and Cindys.  What you have both shared with us cannot be measured, it cannot be given by others.  It can only be held within ours hearts and souls.  Please, Jacquie, if it is time for her to rest, guide her home to Jenna.  In that, I envy her.  She will be with her daughter.
Megan needs your strength and courage.  She has a rough road ahead of her, but not one that she cannot travel.  She will not be alone, but at times she may feel that way.  She will need some "Tink Winks" so that she knows you are with her, so she knows you understand what it is like to fight with someone who has been there.  She is strong, you can help her to be stronger.
She is very courageous, you will show her how to dig deep inside to find more courage when she thinks there is no more.  You have taught her so much already, she tells us that all the time.  Now, she will use what you have taught her to get through this.
My Jacquie, you are and will always be, my strength and my courage.  Every single day when I wake up, I hope that I have enough of both to get through the day without you.  And every single night, I go to bed thanking for you getting me through just one more day.  You are my sunshine, my rainbow and my starlight.  Love, mom
 

November 22, 2013 - Dear Jacquie,  ANOTHER GREAT FOUNDATION EVENT!   The 6th Annual Vera Bradley Party at the Perfect Gift was tonight.  We had a good turnout and Deb and her staff were wonderful, as usual.  They had tons of Vera Bradley items in stock and I can't imagine that there was anything that somebody wanted that Deb didn't have available.  You would have love being able to join us- there was Vera, wine, good food, and the best of family and friends.  Deb still remembers the time she opened up the store early for you so you could shop before other customers were there.  We were fighting the chance of infection, getting you ready for your first transplant, and I was afraid to have you go to the big sale day and be around so many stranger with germs.  She left you come the store and hour before opening so you could shop alone.  That was a wonderful gift to you and we had such fun shopping and spending money.  I have your Veras that you bought, and every time I look at them, I remember that very special day.  I love remembering that day. 
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with each beat of my heart and every breath I take.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you, My Sweet Daughter.  And someday, I will be able to show you how much I  miss you and how much I love you.  Thank you for making Grandpa well enough to come home, where he belongs.  Love you forever, mom
 

November 19, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, TJ went down to Geneseo on Sunday for the semi-annual Dodge-A-Ball For ALL.  Jacquie, your SDT sisters hold this really fun event for you to raise money for the Foundation.  TJ said there was a great turnout- 24 teams!!!  He said everyone had a great time and enjoyed the day immensely.   I would loved to have been able to go down for it, I had such a good time when I went in the spring.  But since it was the Clinic For A Cure, I needed to be at the gym.  Anyway, the girls did a wonderful job organizing and running the event and they honor you and your life so that even the people that never had the honor to meet you, get to know you through the stories your "sisters" share with them.  When more people know about you and your Foundation, the closer we are to finding a cure.  We are so very blessed to have such wonderful family and friends in our lives who are willing and able to host events for you.  You gave us the gift of love when you brought those friends into our lives.  You are my hero.  Love, your mom
 

November 18, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, the past two days we held another event for YOU!  The 5th Annual Clinic For A Cure was held at our gym.  We brought it back to GBGFC to celebrate the 5th anniversary.  It was amazing.  We had about 250 gymnasts participating, more than 130 gymnasts than we have ever had before.  It was incredible.  Larry had to set up 3 sessions, instead of two, as we have the past 4 years.  He is the best.  He worked so hard to organize and run the event and it went off beautifully.  The judges and coaches who volunteered their time and expertise did a wonderful job and everyone had a great time.  I know you were there with us, I know you saw all the little ones trying new skills and drills and being so excited to be part of something so great.  Did you like the new T shirt design?  I really love them, a lot.  I think they are perfect for a 5th anniversary edition and the kids loved them too.  I wish we were still able to give them out to all the clinicians as well as the gymnasts, but the cost of doing so took such a big chunk out of the money we raised.  And after all, we are trying to raise money to find a cure and help other patients and their families.  So, we had to do away with the Ts for the coaches and judges,but maybe someday we will find a sponsor to help with the cost and then we will be able to give them to everyone.  What an event this was for YOU!  You continue to work miracles here, your life and your legacy continue to make things happen and to assure that you are never forgotten, and that we will find a cure someday.
My Jacquie, grandpa has been in the hospital for a week now, and we hope he will be able to come home soon.  This has been very hard on Nana and Grandpa and your dad.  He keeps trying to help out and get answers.  It has been hard to keep the doctors and hospital staff on track, and to get them to follow through with everything they say they are going to do.  I wish he would be able to come home soon so dad could spend time recovering himself.   Maybe more "Tink pixie dust"?
I miss you so much sweetheart.  The "holidays" are coming and for me, some of the hardest days of the year are ahead.  I just keep telling myself, they will be over soon.  I dread facing another Thanksgiving and another Christmas without you.  I dread looking next to me at the table and seeing your chair empty.  I'll wait for the holidays to be over.  I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  You are the wind beneath my wings.  Love, your mom
 

November 15, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, grandpa is still in the hospital.  The doctors seem to be having a hard time figuring out what the problem is and how to fix it.  Could you maybe give them a little hint, push them in the right direction so that grandpa can come home.  It is hard on him to be sick and in the hospital.  It is also very hard on your dad.  He is down there every day, dealing with all the details and trying to help grandpa.  But dad is not healing and getting the rest he needs to heal.  It hasn't been so long since his surgery and he really never had the time to get himself back from the surgery.  I am worried about him, about both of them.  Can you do a little magic, maybe sprinkle a little "Tink pixie dust" and give them a little help?   Love, mom
 

November 13, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, this morning we went down to Empire Genomics, Dr. Nowaks lab, where she and her team work on finding a cure for cancer.  We accepted a check for the Foundation that was raised at a fundraiser they held for your Foundation and one other one.  The event was called "Tips For A Cure".  It was held in October and was at the Chocolate Bar downtown.  I know you would have love it there.  Dad said there were drinks and food and tons of people- a perfect place for you to be!!.  They had guest bartenders and they donated all their tips for the night, half to you and half to the other foundation.  They donated $1,019.20 to each of you.  Amazing isn't it!  Plus, more people now know about you and your Foundation so it really was a great event.  At the presentation today, we were given a tour of the lab and the facilities and met many of the people who work there.  It was a wonderful experience to see so much effort and work going into someday making our world cancer free.  I "wish" you had been there.  But you were with us, weren't you.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  I love to the sun and the stars and the moon in the sky.  I love you.  When we are all together again,  I will be able to show you how much I have missed you.  I will hold you and kiss you and I will never let you go.  We all are waiting to see you again, and most of all, we are waiting to hold each other tight.  Although your chair remains empty, it is not really.  You are with us always.  Love, your mom
 

November 11, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Grandpa is not feeling well and dad had to take him back to the hospital today.  Please watch over him and help him to heal.  He loves you so much.    Love, mom
 

November 10, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, it has been a long weekend.  Usually I look forward to weekends to have time to wind down a little and catch up on all the things I didn't get done during the week.  This weekend was too busy and now I will be starting the next week more behind than usual.  It seems no matter how organized I try to be, "issues" or "matters" come up that need attention and then I get behind.  I wish I could find a way to shut the world out for just a couple hours a day so I could just be by myself. 
We went to see the radiologist for your dad this past Thurs.  He told us that dad would have to wait to start radiation for at least 4-6 months after his surgery.  He told us that this is "national standards" and what is considered prudent.  I can see the waiting, dad needs time to heal from the surgery, but I can't understand waiting to start while he still has cancer inside him.  I wish he could start sooner so he could start getting rid of the cancer NOW.  Time and time again, "I wish", but wishing is useless.  Wishes really don't come true.
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  I miss you so much every minute of every day.  I miss you when I hear a song you love or that we used to sing to together.  I miss you when I have to go to the mall and you aren't with me to make me laugh.  I miss you when a movie comes on that we would watch together and pick out the best clothes the women were wearing.  I miss you always.  I will miss you forever until we are together again.  I love you My Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

November 6, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, you found a poem for me, now I found a little story/poem for you.
       
        Mothers and daughters share toddler days, teenage woes and grown-up joys and tears.
        They grow together with tender hugs, long goodbyes, heart-to-heart talks and shared dreams.
        They support each other in every aspect of life.
        They express the encouragement and comfort needed to embark on each new challenge.
         Their ongoing friendship creates an incredible bond.
         Everyone around them can see the joy on their faces reflected in their smiles every time they are together.
 
         Not much in this life endures through all time, but mothers and daughters share a lifelong connection.
 
My Jacquie,  our connection will be shared lifelong and beyond.  Our connection will never be severed,  it will grow as our love for each other grows.  Remember,
 "Of all things considered, nothing begins to compare with the love that a mother and daughter can share". (Laurel Atherton)
I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER, LOVE- MOM
       

November 2, 2013 - Dear Jacquie,  It has been 1883 days since you had to leave us.  I know you left that poem in the magazine for me to see.  I was feeling especially down and picked up the magazine and there it was- your "tink wink" to me.
 
       When I had to leave you
        I didn't go too far
        Look up into the heavens
        I'm a brilliant shining star.
 
        When we miss each other
       And want each other near
       You shine your light upon  the earth
        And I'll shine my light up here
 
        So we always will remember
        When we seem so far apart
        To shine our lights together
        With love upon our hearts.
 
Grandpa is home from the hospital.  Dad is doing better know that he is not running back and forth and not resting enough.  I am still waiting to find a way to not be so angry and scared.  It is hard because I know what is expected of me, just like when you were sick.  But it is hard to not remember the past when trying to deal with the future, a future we have no say in planning.  I hope you are warm and safe, I wish I was there to make sure.  I hate that I don't know.  I hate being helpless again.  I hate feeling that I will live the rest of my life this way, feeling that I have no control over anything and no power to change what should not be.  I wish I was with you.
My Jacquie, I  miss you and I love you.  I love you with each beat of my heart and every breath I take.  When I wake up in the morning you are with me, and when I go to bed at night you are there with me.  You are with me, all around me always.  But I need you to show me that YOU are here with me.  I am waiting for you to come to me.  I will wait as long as you need me to.  And, I will love you forever.  Love, mom
    

October 30th, 2013
- Dear Jacquie,   Thank you for looking out for dad and grandpa.  We saw dad's doctor yesterday.  The news wasn't really what we wanted to hear but we will deal with it.  Your dad is a strong man, and he will do nothing less than what you did- he will fight.  You taught him, you taught all of us, what the words courage mean and how to fight for what we want.  Together, the 4 Hirschs will do it again, we will all fight together for dad.  Grandpa is sick and he has a difficult fight ahead of him.  At 86 years old, his fight will be hard and it will not be easy.  He has had some setbacks already but has managed to get through them.  I am worried for him and I am worried for your dad.  He has been at the hospital so much and has not had time to take for himself to heal and get over his own surgery.  I am afraid that the doctor is going to say he is behind schedule and should be further ahead than where he is at now.  I know he has to be with his dad.  It makes me so angry that all this is happening now, again, to us.  Why does this continue?  How can Torey get better while he is trying to help his dad get better.  I am so made and so sad.  I can't do anything to change what is happening or to make it easier for either of them.  I am very mad.  I wish I could tell God what I think of him
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  That never changes.  I wish I knew that you were ok.  I see how dad is, I see how TJ is but I can't see you.  I can't see if you are not well, if you are hurting, and I can't see if you have tears that I should be drying.  I can't do anything for anybody.  I can't even make it all right again.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

October 27th, 2013
- Dear Jacquie, Yesterday was the 6th Annual Dancers Give Back event.  And what an amazing event it was.  Once again, Mary Alice, Ali and AJ did beyond incredible in putting together a day of fun, excitement, learning and honoring.  It was held at a new school this year- bigger and better than the old one.  And there were so many people there.  And  everyone came because of YOU.  Because of your friendship with Ali and her need to share your story and your fight against leukemia.  A way for her to honor your memory and share your life with those who knew you and so many others who never had the chance to.  Your SDT sisters came again, all the way from Geneseo.  It was great to see the girls from last year and  to meet the new pledges from this year.  It is so much fun to meet your other "family" and to try to keep all the branches in your family tree straight.  To Mary Alice, Ali, AJ, the parents and dancers and the guest dancers, we thank you for keeping Jacquie in your hearts and her memory in your minds.
My Jacquie, My Daughter,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart.  It has been forever since I have held you but every moment of every day, I hold you in my arms and close in my heart.  And every day, I wait until the day we are together again.  Until that day, I need you to remember how much I love you and to know that you are with all of us always.  Not a day goes by that we don't miss you and mourn your being taken from us.  And someday, we will be together again.  The 4 Hirschs will always be 4. Love, your mom forever
 

October 24th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie,  grandpa had surgery today.  We found out yesterday that he has a cancerous tumor in his intestines.  Yes. Again.  CANCER.  He made it through the surgery.  He now will have a permanent colostomy. He now will see that his life as it was will no longer exist.  He, like you, like dad and so many (too many) others will now have a "new normal".  Please look over him and keep him safe and well.  Give him your love and your strength and your courage and help him to face what is ahead for him.  And PLEASE continue to help your dad fight his cancer and move towards health.  And while I am asking you for help. could you please send a little "tink wink" my way?  I am floundering and am not sure what to do.
My Jacquie, the time passed has not eased the sadness, the sorrow and how much I miss you.  What has grown over this time is how very much I love you.  More that ever, I look for your smile and listen for your laughter.  I beg for a "tink wink" from you to show me you are with me and that you love me.  I wish I could be with you and hold you tight.  I wish you could hug me back.  When will I be with you again?  Love, mom
 

October 22th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, dad and I just got back from his post op visit at the Cleveland Clinic.  We drove down yesterday because his appointment was at 7:30 this morning.  The doctors said he is doing well, healing as he should be.  We were told the results from the biopsies taken during surgery would be in by this visit.  We had hoped we would find out what is ahead for us.  But no, they "aren't available" yet.  So once again, we wait.  I guess we both know that this isn't over yet,  the dr told us there is a 50-60% chance that further treatment will be needed.  I think we both wonder why he can't be in the 40% that doesn't need it, but our track record for numbers isn't that good.  Whatever is ahead, we'll have to handle, like you Jacquie, there is no choice.  You kept dad safe during the surgery, we know you'll keep him safe in whatever is ahead.  Grampa could use some "Tink" magic also.  He has not been feeling well and will be going to the dr tomorrow to get the results of an MRI he had done today.  He has been pretty sick and I am worried that he, too, will have a fight ahead of him.  He loves you very much and misses you terribly.  I know he feels you with him and knows you will help him through this.
My Jacquie, minutes-hours-days-months-years, but only seconds, since you left.  Taken from us for no reason that could mean anything.  These days are darker than most, and uncertainty is our constant companion.  Waiting for your dad's pathology results is hard, waiting as we did for all your tests and scans.  I wish you were here, I wish I could just hold you one more time.  I wish just one more time I could brush your hair and sing a song with you.  I wish one more time we could sit down for dinner and listen to you and TJ talk "movie talk" and quote all your favorite lines from your favorite movies.  I wish just one more time I could say "Jacquie, I love you" and hear you reply "I love you more ,mom".   Love, your mom forever
 

October 20th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, another wedding yesterday.  Our seventh one this summer.  None of them yours. Wishing Kathleen and Steve a wonderful life filled with joy, happiness and love.  And may Kathleen continue to win her battle against ALL.  We know she has fought hard to be where she is today.  Her ALL was not like yours, it was not un-curable.  Why couldn't you have had that kind?  I love you, MY Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

October 17th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, we arrived home from Cleveland today.  As always, coming home is the best, but today more than ever.  Dad is doing ok.  The surgery went, according to the doctors, "as expected- no surprises".  He is in pain and tired, but he is home.  With all of us.  Where we belong- with you.  He will have to go back next week, one week post op for the follow up appointment, but until then, he will need to rest and follow dr orders.  I feel as though we have gone back in time.  To you, to your diagnosis and treatment, and everything that happened.  Every little detail along the way reminds me of you and I can't get past it.  The fear, the anxiety and the unknown.  All of it seems too much to do again.  It is in my mind and thoughts almost constantly and it drives me crazy that I can't get hold of myself.  The feeling of helplessness and inadequacy is once again, threatening to drown me.  How can I help him?  What should I do?  What do I say?  What will be the right words to let him know that this will be OK?  Will it?  Questions.  Anger.  Sadness.  Uncertainty.  How can it be that once again, someone so good, so special is forced to deal with the most horrible of diseases.  Your dad is an incredible man.  A loving husband.  The best father that any child could ever wish for.  A wonderful son, son-in-law, uncle, brother-in-law, friend and coach.  He is loved by so many, just as you are.  His life has been dedicated to children- to teaching and guiding and mentoring the next generations.  Just as you did and continue to do.  So why??  Why you?? Why your dad?
And why can't I get past the anger- for you, for dad, for all the others.   Made you could sprinkle some "Tink" dust down on me to make me understand so I am not so angry at whoever did this.
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all I am and all that I will ever be.  In these days that are so very dark, your light finds it's way through.  It shines for the love we have for you and makes the darkness go away.  These days are so hard,  you are gone and I can't touch you and hold you.  And more than that, you can't give your dad a hug, which I know he wants so badly.  Please give him a hug to let him know you are here.  And never ever forget how much we all love you.  We will someday, be at our table again with no empty chairs,  Until then, memories will fill our minds and hearts and you will live on.  Love, mom
 

October 14th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, today dad, TJ and I will leave for the Cleveland Clinic.   Tomorrow, dad will have his surgery.  I know you will be with him all the time, the way he was always and is always, with you.  We are confident we have made the right decision on where to go for treatment.  As we did with you, we looked into many options and possibilities.  We have read, and talked to and investigated as much as we can.  In many respects, we have too much information.  It seems everyone we talk to has a different opinion or option as to what we should do.  But we had to decide, we were running out of time.  So, we did the best we can do.  I think you helped us make our decision, so I am sure it is the right one. 
My Jacquie, I will not ask for me from you.  I will ask for dad.  Please be with him and let him know you are close.  Please keep watch over him and keep worry and doubts away.  Please give the doctors a whisper to tell them that they have someone very special to look after.  And please, let dad know how very much you love him.  Love, your mom
 

October 13th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, dad and TJ made it home late last night.  They didn't sell the Shelby, but they brought tons of chocolate!  And yes, they did drop off a load the SDT house, which I am sure the girls were very grateful for.  Now that they are home, we will spend today getting things ready for tomorrow.  The gym and the Foundation will have to run without us for a while and we will do the best we can to make sure it all runs smoothly.  Your dad is confident with his decision and I am too.  The most important thing is that dad feels that he is in the best place possible and that he is in the best hands available.  I feel as though we are reliving your nightmare all over again and am wondering why this is happening.  I guess we will never know- answers are rarely available for questions like these.  But I have to wonder WHY?  WHY you, WHY us, WHY again.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you so very much.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You are the light that brightens my darkest days and the voice that speaks to me when I need to hear words of courage.  You are the one who told me not to be afraid.  I am afraid.  But I know you will be near and your hand will be in mine, your dad's and TJ's as we make this difficult journey again.  I love you, My Sweet daughter, and you will live within my heart forever.  And someday, when we are all together again,  I will show you the strength of my love for you.  Love, your mom
 

October 9th, 2013
- Dear Jacquie, dad and TJ left for Hershey today.   This is their "alone" time they take every year.  I am glad they decided to go this year, even though I wanted dad to stay here and get started.  I know that it is a fun time for both of them, seeing all the cars and being part of the whole experience.  I hope they sell the Shelby too, that would make the trip even better.  But even if they don't, they are able to spend time together and just do what they want to do, not what they have to do.  I hope they have a great time.  The added plus of the trip is all the chocolate they will bring back.  And as always, they will stop in Geneseo on the way home and drop off a lot of chocolate and treats to the SDT sorority house.  I bet the girls look forward to the fall car show as much as dad and TJ do!
My Sweet Girl, I miss you and I love you.  I love you so much and more than ever, I wish you were could talk to me.  I wish I could hold you and hug and get strength from you.  You, the youngest in the our family of four. are the strongest.  You are the one with courage and optimism and hope.  Now, when everything seems to be coming apar again, I wish you were here to give us some of that.  I know you would be here if you could, and I know that you are with us in our hearts always.  In the days, weeks, and months to come, we will count on you to help us through.  We do BELIEVE in you.  Love forever and always, your mom
 
 
October 5th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, You came to me in my dreams last night.  We laughed.  We cried.  We talked and we shared.  It was like it used to be.  It was so very wonderful to be with you again.  I never wanted to wake up.  I wanted to find a way for you to stay with me.  I wanted to say with you.  Forever.  I will wait for you to come be with me again.  I will wait until the time we are all together again.  Please come to see me, visit me in my dreams.  Give my strength and courage to face what is ahead and to be able to help dad.  Don't let me fail again.  Don't let me let him down.
Love, mom
 

October 1st, 2013
- Dear Jacquie, October already.  Another new month.  Another chance.  Always another chance.  Or is there?  This mother starts out different than last month.  Last month we didn't know.  The first of September wasn't bringing our nightmare back.  The first of October will.  What else is there left to say.
I found another poem in a magazine, and again, I know it was written for you, My Sweet Jacquie.  Here it is.....
 
                                                              A Mother's Pearls of Wisdom
 
     I've traveled paths you've yet to walk, learned lessons old and new
     And now this wisdom of my life, I wish to share with you.
     Let kindness spread like sunshine, embrace those who are sad
     Respect their dignity, give them joy, and leave them feeling glad.
     Forgive those who might hurt you, and though you have your pride
     Listen closely to their viewpoint, try to see the other side.
     Walk softly when you're angry, try not to take offense
     Invoke your sense of humor, laughter's power is immense.
     Express what you are feeling, your beliefs you should uphold
     Don't shy away from what is right, be courageous and be bold.
     Keep hope right in your pocket, it will guide you day by day
     Take it out when you need it, when it's near you'll find a way.
     Remember friends and family, of which you're a precious part
     Love deeply and love truly, give freely from your heart.
     The world is far from perfect, there's conflict and there's strife
     But you can still make a difference, by how you live your life.
     I am so blessed to know, the wonders you will do
     Because you are MY DAUGHTER, I will always BELIEVE in you.
 
My Sweet Daughter, even though you are not HERE, I say these words to you.  You have made us all so proud by how you have lived your life.  You lived the poem before I read it you.  You gave the world yourself, before you ever heard those words.  And the difference you have made will last forever.  You are the magic of our lives and of the future.  "Tink" was the perfect person for you to become because your magic makes us all BELIEVE.  Even now, while we struggle to Believe, we know we cannot give up, we cannot stop because you have taught us what we must do.  And, we will- somehow, someway we will.
I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all I am and all that I will ever be.  I love you with each breath I take and with each beat of my heart.  We all miss you so much, the pain continues and although time has passed we have not forgotten.  We never will.  We wait for the day we will all be together again.    But remember will are now, and will always be The 4 Hirschs.  I love you.  Love, your mom
  

September 28th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Six years ago today we received the devastating news.  I think I am probably the only one who has this date forever in my mind.  I can hear the words as clearly as if the doctor is next to me saying them right now.  I can hear his voice, I can see your face and I can feel my heart stop- just as it did that day.  And my heart has never been the same since then.  A small part of my heart crumbled and broke that day.  And each day after, as you fought and struggled to survive, more of my heart broke.  I no longer have a "whole heart".  Some of it is forever gone-broken by your fight.  And part of my heart I sent with you when you were taken from us, so you would never ever doubt how much you are loved.  I keep you in my heart- safe and warm and always with me.  Someday when we are together again, my heart will take back the pieces.  I love you Jacquie.  Love, your mom
 

September 26th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, two appointments already this week.   More questions than answers.  More doubts, more confusion.  More wondering how to make the "right" decision.  How will we know?  I wish you were here, you were always so grounding and level-headed.  I talked so many things out with you and even though you were the child and I was the adult, you had a way of clearing my thinking so that I could wade through the garbage to get to the answers I needed.  Now, I can talk to you but you can't answer me back.  And I miss that.  I miss you.
My Jacquie,  I love you very much.  I love you with each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  I love you to the moon and back and all the rainbows in the sky.  When I think of you, my heart smiles and I feel you next to me.  Someday, we will all be together again- the 4 of us as it was meant to be.  It was not right that you were taken from us, it was not right that you were denied the chance to fulfill your dreams.  And now, we are left to wait to be with you again.  Someday, we will all sit around the table again, and none of the 4 chairs will be empty.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever and ever and always.
 

September 20th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie,  I found this little poem in a magazine I was reading in the waiting room at the doctor's office.  I was having a particularly lousy day and I think the poem must have been sent to me by an Angel who knew I needed it.. I am always talking about the stars to you and this is called "Reach For The Stars".
                                      Promise you'll never settle for anything less than extraordinary.......
                                      Because that is what you deserve.
                                      Promise you'll never forget who you are........
                                      Because you are beautiful inside and out.
                                      Promise to never forget to BELIEVE in yourself...........
                                      Because it will help you achieve your dreams.
                                      Promise you'll always reach for the stars..........
                                      Because my Precious Daughter,  You can do anything!
So you see, it was written for you.  We always taught you to Believe in yourself and to Believe that nothing is impossible.  Now we know that that isn't always true about everything, but we still need to try to Believe it and teach it to children.
My Jacquie- days, weeks, months and years have passed.  And still, the sadness, sorrow and pain.  Still the anger, and the questions.  And now, more anger and more questions.  Why?  Why now, why us?  What will we do?  How will we manage?  We need your love and your strength, your courage and your guidance.  We need you.  I need you.  Please come to me, I am waiting for you.  I miss your smile and laughter and I miss holding you and hugging you.  I miss singing with you and crying with you.  I miss you- My Daughter.  I love you and I will always love you- forever and ever.  Love, your mom.

September 16th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, last night we had another general Foundation meeting and it went well.  We managed to get a lot accomplished and finalize details for many of the events and projects we have coming up.  You really should be here with us, helping us out.  We have been going over plans for the new building and some of the décor, and we could really use your sense of style and fashion sense.  I know it is going to be difficult to make a lot of the decisions with so many people wanting to have input on what the building, inside and out, will look like when it is done.  It would be so great to have you here to tell us what you like and don't like and how YOU would like YOUR Center to be presented to the world.  Maybe you could just visit me in my sleep and whisper what you want in my ear.  Jacquie, we so badly want to do what you want us to do.  And it is so hard to make decisions and be worried about how you will feel about what we do.  There is so much pressure to make you proud and make you see how much we want to please you.  So if you can, send a sign or two, help us to do the right thing.
My Sweet Girl, I miss you and I love you- more than words can ever say.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  Each morning when I wake up, you are the first thing on  my mind.  And it is you that makes me get out of bed.  It is you that makes me leave the house and go to work.  And it is you who reminds me that I have to keep going so that I can truly honor your memory and make you proud.  It is you who shows me each and every day that giving up is not an option.  I love you, My Jacquie. Love, mom
 

September 12th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, it started today.  The questions, the options, the opinions.  The uncertainty.  The unknown.  What will we do?  How will we know what is the right decision?  Who will guide us and show us the way?  How will we know when we have enough information to make the right decision?  How will we do this without you?
We love you Jacquie.  We love you more today than yesterday but never as much as we will love you tomorrow.  You are the light that will shine in our darkest days ahead.  You are our strength, our courage, our rock.  You are the one who will see us through this nightmare.  You are our Jacquie.  I love you, mom
 
September 9th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, we have asked you for help before.  For sunshine for the Cruise Against Cancer, for for people to attend and support our events and to welcome new Angels into heaven.  But never before have we needed your help more than we do know.  Your dad needs you, we all do.  Stay with us and guide us.  Help us to do what is right and what we need to do.  Love, mom
 
September 7th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, we went to the Rascal Flatts concert tonight.   You were with us, but you weren't there.  The concerts are not the same without you.  The music is good, but it is empty.  The fun we used to have will never be repeated until we are all together again.  It is hard to listen to the songs you love and sang along with, without you at our sides.  It is hard to know that your voice is lifted in song with the Angels, but not here on earth.  I can hear your voice, I can hear you singing, but I can't sing along with you and it makes me so sad and so angry.  We will continue to go to hear the concerts, but your absence will forever leave an endless painful hole in our hearts.
My Sweet Angel, I miss you and I love you.  You are my heart and my soul and you are the best parts of what I want my life to be.  I am waiting for you to visit me, I am desperate for you to let me know you are with me.  I will never leave you, please don't leave me.  Love, mom
 
September 6th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Five years.  1826 days.  The worst of my life.  The hardest of my life.  The saddest of my life.  I have been thinking of you.  About the days when I could hold you in just one arm.  I would look into your eyes and I was amazed at all the love and life you had to offer.  Even as an infant, you showed us all what love meant.  I remembered your first day of school and how much you had ahead of you.  Your life held limitless possibilities- there was nothing you wouldn't be able to do or accomplish.  As a 5 year old, you had already taught me so much.  I am remembering the conversations we would have- whether we were eating, shopping, driving in the car or watching a movie, and all the questions you would ask or opinions you would offer. Oh, the wonderful things we shared.  Your questions challenged me, your curiosity inspired me.  I have spent many hours thinking about the many moments that once seemed ordinary but now add up to a lifetime of memories that I wouldn't trade for anything.  Today, like every other day since you were taken from us, I am thinking about how very much I love you and how grateful I am that you are my daughter.
My Jacquie, for the rest of my life, I will carry the guilt of not being able to save you- to do what a mom is supposed to do.  I did not protect you, I did not keep you safe.  I live with this every minute of every day.  It haunts me and makes me doubt what I am doing here when you are not.  I will spend the rest of my time her, trying to make you proud and making your life a story to tell the world.  I will not let your life here, and all that you accomplished, be forgotten.  I will continue to fight your fight and fight for all the other "Jacquie's" who have yet to defeat leukemia.  You will live on, in our hearts, in our lives.  I will never let you go, and I will never let go of you.  The part of my heart that keeps beating, is beating for you.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I am so sorry Jacquie.  I love you My Little Girl.  Love, your mom forever
 

September 4th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, first day of classes at the gym.  You, the teacher are here with me.  I think of the teacher and coach you were and I want to be that person.  I want to be you.  I want to give children the gift you gave them.  I want to teach by the words you taught by.  I saw this writing by Laura Medley and it made me think of you.  I hope when I read this to you as I write it, you will see in yourself, the wonderful qualities we all saw in you when you were teaching and coaching.
     A good teacher is someone who directs and instructs, but never demands that a student learn.
     A good teacher challenges your mind and provides you with opportunities to gain knowledge at your own speed.
     A good teacher encourages you to ask questions, even if your ideas are not completely correct.
     A good teacher teaches from the heart with an inner sense of desire for others to also enjoy the mysteries of the universe.
     For a good teacher is not necessarily a leader to be followed, but a guide who suggests and leaves you to carry on down your own road.
You Jacquie, are a GREAT teacher, and these words were written about you. I missed you today.  Again.  Always.
My Sweet Jacquie, time is almost here and I am without courage and strength to face the day.  Visit me, help me and show me how survive another year.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom- your BFF
 

September 1st, 2013 - Dear Jacquie,  Adam and Tracey's wedding today.  Another beautiful bride, perfect ceremony, sunny warm day at the lake.  And more tears.
I love you Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

August 31st, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, another wedding today, the third one of the summer.  Sara and Steve were married in a beautiful church ceremony. As with the other brides, she looked beautiful.  I wondered, what dress would you have decided to be married in.  Colors for the girls, tuxedos, decorations?  Everything,  I wonder about everything and then, I cry.
I love you Jacquie. Love, mom
 

August 28th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, four days ago we broke ground on The Center For The Jacquie Hirsch For ALL Foundation.  YOUR Center.  The place where we will continue your fight.  The place where we will be able to continue to raise funds for research, events,and patient support.  A place where we will be able to increase awareness for the need for more funding.  This Center will be a tribute to your life and the fight you gave Leukemia to stay alive.  It will be a place where people can come to learn about you and the foundation and what you "STAND" for.  And it will be a place where you will see that the realization of your dream has become our dream.  We have a long way to go before we are able to complete the Center, our building campaign has only just begun.  But never doubt, we will make it happen.  We will find the funding we need to take your Foundation to the next level.  This was TJ's idea.  He is the driving force behind what the future of the Foundation will be.  Please find a way to tell him that you love him and you miss him.  I think he would really like to hear from you.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  Love, mom
 

August 24th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, You gave Angela and Jeff a wonderful wedding gift- you gave them a warm, sunny day to be married in the Rose Garden.  She looked like a Princess, and he looked like her Prince.  I missed you so much today.  Love, mom
 

August 22nd, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, tonight was Angela and Jeff's rehersal dinner.  I was very nice, there were a lot of people there.  But you weren't.
"A daughter needs a mom to teach her to sing the songs in her heart".  I have spent the last few days listening to your CD non-stop when I am in the car.  I can sing as loud as I want to, sing to you and sing with you.  I imagine you sitting next to me and singing to all your favorite songs as we drive around town, going to eat or shopping or whatever we wanted toi do. The songs in my heart now, are for you.  I sing them to remind me of your love for music and dance and being free.  I sing them loudly in the hopes that you will hear me and sing with me.  I hope that  sometime, I will hear your voice singing with me.  I hope you will always sing with me.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  You will always be my "little girl", no matter how old you are.  When you were sick and I held you in my arms, you were where you belong.  Someday,  I will hold you in my arms again.  I love you the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky.  I love you rainbows and raindrops.  I love you clouds and clear skies.  And I love you with all the love my heart can hold.  Forever and always, love- your mom
 

August 19th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, today I picked up Fozi's ashes.  They are in a petty little box and I will keep them next to you for a little while.  Then, dad and I will scatter them in your garden.  It is where Fozi belongs, close to you and your beautiful flowers.  I always wonder, when I look outside at the beautiful garden your dad has made for you, if you can see it from heaven.  I wonder if you can see the flowers and the pretty colors that have been planted in your honor.  Your garden has many different  plants and flowers in it- many are gifts from your family and friends.  I wish you could smell them and enjoy what is yours. 
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you more than I will ever be able to say in words.  The days are still endless and the best part of my days are when I am home with you.  I wake up dreading that I have to leave the house and go through another day without you.  Some days, the sun is out but the world still seems dark.  There are many days that I am surrounded by people and feel so very alone.  I wait for you, I look for you, I listen for you.  But you don't come and I don't see you or hear you.  I miss you and I love you.  I love you more today than yesterday but not as much as I will love you tomorrow.  I WILL love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

August 18th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, dad and I got home today and I am so glad to be home.  Congress was good but I'd rather be at home, with you.  Dad and I learned a lot and brought a lot of good ideas back to the gym, but it will be hard to implement them all.  If you were here, I have no doubt that changes would be quickly and easily made.  You are missed in so many ways. 
This coming week will be a difficult one.  Angela and Jeff will be married on Saturday.  You will be greatly missed at this very special event.  I always say it, but it's true- you should be here with us.   Aunt Sheryl, Angela and the girls have worked so hard to make this wedding a wonderful occasion, and I know it will be.  I also know that our hearts will be breaking without you here.  What will make the pain go away?  Love, mom
 

August 14th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, today, dad  and I will be leaving to go to Hartford for National Congress.  We will be gone until Sunday. Four very long days without being home with you.  Yes, I know you will be with us, but you and I won't be at home where we should be.  I wish you were here, you would be going with us.  I know the other Congresses you went to you really enjoyed.  You learned a lot and brought back all that knowledge to the gym to share with the other coaches and your gymnasts.  As always, you are the teacher, the mentor, the role model.  It would have been the first one the three of us went to together.  Maybe we would have even be able to talk TJ into going with us.  I wish you were here to teach me.
My Jacquie, time has moved forward, our lives have continued but I still feel stuck in the past.  My days are filled with memories- some happy and laughter-filled, and some sad with many "what ifs".  I miss you and I love you so much.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  I still wait to hear your voice on the other end of the phone when I answer it, or get a quick text from you to "check in" with me.  I wait for you to visit me in my dreams and tell me you are alright.  I wait for you to whisper my name softly in the night and tell me you miss me too.  I will wait until we are all together agian, the 4 of us as it is meant to be.  Until then, please don't leave me, please stay with me and give me the courage to face each day without you.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom
 

August 10th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, tonight was Angela's bachlorette party.  You should have been there.  You would have had such a wonderful time.  I missed you being there with me.  I missed hearing you laugh at all the funny things they did.  I missed seeing you stand with your cousin to celebrate the happy time in her life.  I was sad  at another reminder that you will not have a bachlorette pary, you will not have a wedding.
My Jacquie, I miss you so much, my heart still hurts so badly.  I love you.  It has been so long since you were here.  1799 days.  Forever.  It has been so long since I have felt you near me.  Plese come to see me- visit me in my dreams or send me a TInk Wink.  Please let me know you haven't left me.  Please stay with me, I can't do this without you.  The weddings are hard, more than I thought they would be.  I wish I hadn't said I would go.  I wish I could stay home with you.  Forever I will love you,  Forever I will be your mom.  Love, mom
 

August 6th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, today we had to let fo of Fozi.  I am so sorry.  She has been not eating on and off for a couple weeks and I bought 3 different kinds of food for her to try to get her appetite back.  I even started feeding her tuna fish again.  But she didn't really like any of it.  She would only eat a little bit then walk away.  And you know tha Fozi never walked away from food.  But then today I called her to come upstairs from the basement and she was having trouble walking.  She kept tipping over sideways and almost falling.  I got so scared.  I called Dr Olson and they told me to bring her in right away.  By the time I got there she was very quiet and not meowing like she usually does when we take her in the car.  After looking at her, Dr Olson said she was in kidney failure and her kidneys were crashing.  He said he could "try" to give her fluids and see if that changes her condition, but he really felt that she was only going to continue to get more sick and that he thought we should consider putting her down.  I called your dad right away and asked him to come over to help me.  When he got there, we talked it over and I knew I couldn't stand to watch her suffer and that I didn't want to put her through all the stress and pain of trying to keep her with us just because I didn't want to let her go.  So we said goodbye to her.  She has been you cat for 16 years- since you picked her our for your 12th birthday.  Now we are sending her to be with you.  I know she has missed you and now you can both be together again.  I am sorrry Jacquie,  I am so sorry we couldn't make her well again.  Love, mom
 

August 3rd, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Today was the 6th Annual Cruise Against Cancer..  The weather was just beautiful- thank you for sending us a great day to hold your event.  The car show was fun, there were about 90 cars there, some real pretty and some not so pretty but it was a good turnout.  This was the first year I had a car in the show.  I put my Mustang Sally in and I even won one of the show awards.  You should have been here with us.  Did you see it from heaven?  Did you see our three cars in a row by the flagpole?  Three mustangs- red, white and blue.  I think our three cars were the prettiest, don't you?  We cruised down to Roswell for the check presentation with about 30 cars.  It was quite a site.  I bet it looked like a beautiful ribbon from heaven.  When we got back to the gym, we sent you the balloons.  Did you get them?  We sent our love up to you with the balloons.  We missed you today.  We miss you everyday.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  Today, like every other day, I ask why.  Why you?  Why someone so full of life and love?  Why our daughter?  Why TJ's sister?  Why?  Why?  Why?  And mostly, why no answers?  The hours turn into days, and the days into weeks and months and years.  Forever since you were taken from us.  Forever will I love you.  Never will we forget you.  Please try to let me know that you are safe and happy.  Let me know that you hear me and that you know I haven't let you go.  Let me know that you won't let go of me.  Let me know you feel my arms around you.  Let me know that you feel my love always.  Love, your mom forever and ever
 

July 31st, 2013
- Dear Jacquie, Happy Birthday My Jacquie!  Today would have been the 4th celebration of your third new life.  Four years ago today you received your second bone marrow transplant.  The one that was going to succeed.  The one that was going to save your life.  The one that was going to give you a chance to be a teacher, get married, have children and do all the things you dreamed of doing.  The one that was going to let me be your mom until I died.  It was supposed to work.  I don't know why it didn't work.  I am so sorry, Jacquie.  So very sorry.  I love you the sun and the moon and the stars and nothing will ever change that.  I will love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as I will love you tomorrow.  Love is all that I can give you now.  Love, mom
 

July 28th, 2013
- Dear Jacquie, Yesterday Caitlin and Brandon were married.  The wedding was beautiful, and she looked beautiful.  You should have been there.  You should have been there at the reception- eating and drinking and singing and dancing with your friends.  You should have been there.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You are every breath I take and each beat of my heart.  Time has passed and life has gone on since you were taken from us.  But is it a life that is lonely and empty without you here with us.  I know that someday we will all be together again, but I wish we were together now, the way it used to be.  Days turn to night, nights turn to days and it goes on.  But it goes on without our Jacquie and that makes life very sad.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  Love, your mom
 

July 27th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, last night was the 5th Annual Tinker Ball.  We missed you.  You should have been there with us.  We had much fewer people this year than any other year.  I was sad about that.  But the night was wonderful.  Everything ran well and as we had planned.  As always, Sean Patrick's did an incredible job, they are outstanding!  Sean and Ron had the staff on top of every little detail, and your Alfredo made the meal absolutely delicious.  He misses you and always does his best work for you.   Jacquie Walker, Dr. Wang and Dr. Nowak spoke, and their speeches were very well done.  I think it is a good thing to hear the Doctors speak because then our guests have a chance to hear about all the great things that are happening because of their support for the Foundation.  It is important for them to see how vital their support is for the success of the Foundation and our mission to help find a cure.  This year, I gave a short speech.  For the first time, I spoke to our guests.  I wanted to find a way to thank them.  I wanted to try to tell them how much we appreciate them and how grateful we are for their support.  I wanted them to know that finding a way to say what is in my heart is so hard for me, but I needed to try to make them understand.  Understand that without them, we would not be able to do what we do.  Without them, we would stumble and fall.  Without them, we would not be The Jacquie Hirsch For ALL Foundation.  Without them, we couldn't succeed.  I hope that in some way, what I was trying to say got through to them.  I so badly want people to know what they mean to the 4 of us.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I know you were with me last night, because at the last second,  I couldn't speak and wanted to sit back down.  I looked out over the podium at all our guests, and didn't think I could make any words come out of my mouth.  I just stood there.  And then, I felt you.  I heard you.  You held my hand and you told me I could do it.  You gave me the courage to open my mouth and speak- speak for all of us.  I couldn't have done it without you.  You are my rock.  You are my strength and courage.  YOU are the wind beneath MY wings.  I love you, My Jacquie and I am sorry we didn't do better.  I will try harder, I promise that to you.  Love, your mom
 

July 22nd, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, last night your dad and I went to see the Toby Keith concert at Darien Lake.  We missed you being with us.  We haven't been to a concert without you, that we haven't missed you being with us.  We missed your joy and excitement at being there and missed you singing along with all the songs, even if you didn't know all the words.  The concert was good, but they will never be the same again.  Each concert reminds me of the last one we were all at- the fun and happiness we al shared.  Those days are gone forever.
My Jacquie, four more days until the Ball.  I miss you and I love you.  I love you the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky.  I love you the morning sunrise and the evening sunset and all the time between.  The days are filled with memories, "what ifs", and "why  nots".  No answers,  Just questions.  You are so missed and so loved.  Time with never change that.  Each day that goes by is one day closer to being with you again.  I love you, Sweetheart.   Love, your very BFF
 

July 19th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, One week until the Tinker Ball.  Failure.  That's what I am thinking.  W have not sold many tickets this year and I am really upset and depressed about it. I understand that people have things going on in their lives.  This year seems to be the year of weddings.  But it is also the 5th Tinker Ball and it was supposed to the biggest and the best.  Now, it won't be.  And all the time and hard work that went into it won't have been enough.  I am so sorry, again.  Maybe I am not the right person to be doing this.  Maybe I don't have what it takes to make it work.
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  I still hurts.  There have been no more birthdays.  No wedding plans.  No shopping trips. No anything.  It still hurts so much to see your chair empty.  We can't get ourselves going in the right direction.  We are falling apart without you and I don't know how to fix it.  I just want to be with you and make this all go away.  I can keep waking up each morning and going through the day, but all I want is to be home with you.  I love you Jacquie.  love, mom
 

July 15th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  Love, your mom
 

July 12th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, I failed today.  I went back down to Roswell to donated platlets again.  I was really excited to donate again since I have been trying for so long.  After donating for the first time two weeks ago, I thought I would be able to be a "regular", donating every two weeks.  I didn't happen that way.  My blood count was down and they wouldn't let me donate.  I am so disappointed.  You can't imagine how good it felt to be able to start to give back, to maybe help someone like you get the blood he or she needed to get through the day, or to maybe get ready for a bone marrow transplant.  I will try again in two weeks.  Maybe you could do a little "Tink" magic and help me out.
I went to see Billy again today, I guess you know that don't you.  I like going to see him because when I am there, I know you are there too.  I stayed for a while, and by the time I left, I felt a little better, but I am still disappointed. 
My Jacquie, it is day 1770. I miss you and I love you.  You are my heat and my soul.  You are all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You are my courage and my strength and when I falter, you are my rock.  I wish I could have done more for you.  I am so sorry that I failed you too.  I will keep trying to show you how much I love you by continuing to work towards your dream.  For now, that is all there is to my life goals- making you proud and giving you your final wish.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

July 8th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, I received my TAPS magazine today, and as I always do, I sat down to read it.  I get comfort in reading the letters in there, and the articles on coping through a loss.  At the very end of the magazine was a poem.  It was written by the surviving mother of a soldier who died in combat.  I must have read that poem at least 4 times before I could stop.  It was so sad, and so true and it made my heart hurt-for her and all the thousands of others who have said goodbye too soon to their child who gave his or her life for us.  The poem is called "I Did Not Take The Oath.
 
     I did not take the oath; I did not raise my hand.
     All I did was have a child who grew to be that man.
     He did his job with honor; his men he led with pride.
     He was not afraid to fight: he was not afraid to die.
 
     The baby I held in my arms, the boy who became a man,
     He put himself in danger in a foreign land.
     He said not to worry; he said, "I will come home."
     Those words come back to haunt me...spoken over a phone.
 
     The knock on my door is always just a moment ago;
     The tears in my eyes, the pain that breaks my soul.
     For I did not take the oath, I did not raise my hand.
     All I did was raise a child who grew up to be that man.
 
     The baby that I held, the child I watched grow
     Filled my heart with so much joy as only mothers can know.
     The memories of his life will stay with me forever.
     The connection of our hearts can never be severed.
 
     He is now a fallen Hero, and I a Gold Star Mother,
     Because he gave his life for the protection of others.
     But I did not take the oath,  I did not raise my hand.
     All I did was raise a boy who grew to be that man.
 
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you more than yesterday, but not as much as I will love you tomorrow.  My love for you will never die, it will only grow stronger.  And someday, when we are together again,  I will wrap my arms around you and you will once again feel my love for you.  You must never doubt how much I miss you or if my love will fade.  You must never forget that you are my Jacquie and that I am your mom forever.  Love, mom
   

July 4th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Independence Day.  Today, red, white and blue will be everywhere-flags, decorations, clothing, and so on.  Thinking back, I remember dressing you and TJ in red, white and blue for the 4th.  You two looked so very cute and usually, you were both dirty and needed a change of outfits by lunchtime!  For you, food was the order of the day- hot dogs, hamburgers, macaroni salad, chips and dips, watermelon, and always cake and ice cream.  You started to ask how long until dinner, right after lunch.  We le you "graze" all day and still you managed to eat a great dinner and dessert.  I miss cooking a baking for you, and for TJ.  Dad and I aren't home much at all, so I don't really need to make any meals.  I don't even grocery shop much because I don't want to have to throw out food if we don't eat it.  I miss you Jax.  I hope you and Billy are celebrating the 4th in grand style.  I wish you were here so I could cook and bake for you and make sure you were full.
My Jacquie,  I miss you so much- still.  You remain everywhere I go and in everything I do.  Constant memories and reminders of times past are with me always, making me smile or cry.  I know we are "supposed" to be "moving on" but I am stuck.  I just want to be with you.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, you mom
 

July 1st, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, the first day of another new month. But the same old life without you.  Love, your mom
 

June 28th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Finally.  Finally something went right.  Today I went to Roswell to try to donate platlets again.  I can't even count the number of times I have tried to donat, but everytime I have been told that my hemoglobin is too low and I am not eligible.  I have even tried at other blood drives with the same result.  Until today.  I have been eating more meat, taking vitamins with extra iron and doing everything Liz told me to do.  Today, it was high enough and I donated platlets for the first time.  I hope to be able to donate every two weeks from now on.  I hope to be able to help someone live longer the way hundreds of people did for you.  I hope that in some small way, my 250cc of platlets makes a difference in someone's life.  And most of all, I hope you know that every drop of blood I gave was for you.
I love you, My Jacquie.  Love mom
 

June 26th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Day 1754.  The team banquet was tonight.  As always, it was at Sean Patrick's and in was so nice.  We had the most people ever- 235.  But the most important person wasn't there- YOU.  There is nowhere we can go, nothing we can do that you aren't missed.  Everywhere we go, you should be with us, and you aren't.  Everywhere we go, you are missed and we have the same question.  Why.  I missed you today when I had to go to the mall to find shoes to wear tonight.  I have not liked to go shopping for a very long time, except if I was going with you or TJ.  I wanted you with me today.  I wanted you there to laugh and smile and dance down the hallways from one store to the next.  I wanted you there so you could tell me what to buy, and then we could concentrate on buying something for you that you probably didn't really need.  I wanted you there with me so that after we were all worn out from walking the mall, we  could go out for lunch and eat something that probably wasn't too good for us but tasted just great.  And I wanted you there because you are MY Best Friend.  I miss MY Best Friend.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  I love you the sun and the stars, and the moon in the sky.  We are all trying very hard to make this 5th Tinker Ball work, but we could use some help if you can.  If you can't, please don't think we didn't try hard enough.  And please don't be upset with us, we really are trying to do the best we can but we have run into so many problems this year.  We really wanted this year to be the very best one yet, and I feel as though we may fail you.  Please don't be angry.  We love you so very very much.  Love, your mom
 

June 22nd, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Well, you were shinning again.  Today was the Ride For Roswell, the 6th year in a row that "Jacquie's Team In Green" was there to represent you.  And this year, we stood out like never before.  This year, your team in green wore Tinkerbell wings.  We looked amazing!!!!!!.  We were getting tired of seeing more and more teams in our grean color tee shirts, we were starting to blend with everyone else and we couldn't have that.  So, we wore purple wings, all of us, and we looked amazing.  Everyone, simply everyone commented and complimented all our riders and stopped by the tent to say how great the wings were.  Did you see us, My Jacquie?  Did you look down from heaven and see a sea of green and purple?  Did you see all your family and friends riding for you- in your memory to honor you?  Did you see the love and support for you and your foundation?  I hope you did, and more than that- I hope you were proud of us.  We have less riders this yeart but we still did well.  Mindy did a fantastic job as team captain and whatever our total ends up being, I hope you feel we did the best we could and that you are proud of us.  It is getting harder to keep going, but the events are important and we cannot stop now.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you. I love you more today than yesterday but not as much as I will love you tomorrow.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  With you, our circle of four was complete.  Now, we are broken and I can't fix it.  TJ, dad and I are still foundering, wandering through life with uncertainty and pain.  We try, we try so hard, but we, especially TJ is struggling with the future.  It doesn't seem fair at all to put this on you, but we know it was you who grounded us.  We know you were the final piece to our family puzzle and without you, our puzzel is crumbling.  No matter how hard we try, we just can't seem to get back fully on our feet and this is hurting us.  I know that someday we will all be together again, but until then...  I look into the sky and look for you.  I look into my heart and find you there.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever
 

June 19th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Thinking of you today, as always.  Remebering. Wishing. Hoping. Dreaming. Mourning. Grieving. My Jacquie- I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. Love, your mom
 

June 16th, 2013 - Dear Dad, Happy Father's Day to the best father in the world!  I wish I was there to tell you in person and to give you a big hug and kiss, but I can't.  So I hope you can remember the past Father's Days and remember all the hugs and kisses I gave you.  Do you remember all the funny little gifts TJ and I made for you when we were little?  Hand prints and paper weights made out of clay.  Macaroni drawings where most of the macaroni all fell off the paper before we could wrap it and give it to you.  Crayon pictures that you couldn't tell what the pictures were but you told us you thought they were wonderful just the same.  Snowglobes made out of baby food jars.  Calenders with family pictures drawn for each month.  And the list goes on.  As we got older, the gifts changed but the thoughts behind them didn't.  We wanted you to know that we were the luckiest kids in the world to have you for our dad.  We wanted you to know that we love you and that the dad you were to us was a gift beyond any other.  You loved us and you never hesitated to show us how much.  You were proud of us and you told us at every possible opportunity.  You taught us how to make our own decisions, right or wrong, and then helped us deal with the consequences.  What you taught us gave us the tools we would need to become responsible adults.  You taught us to treasure family and friends and to never let pride stand in the way of saying "I am sorry".  You taught us what love is all about and how to make life worth living.  Thank you, dad, for giving TJ and I the chance to live happy and very loved.  Thank you for being our dad.  Happy Father's Day, love- your Jax
 

June 13th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, I miss you Jacquie.  The class shows started yesterday.  Bree's Tink Shop Raffle started yesterday too.  Wish you were here.  I don't know Jacquie, why does it keep hurting?  Endless memories of you and what was lead to never-to-be memories of what cannot ever be.  I talk with people about you, as if you were still here and I know they think I am crazy.  Maybe I am.  Maybe that is where I am meant to be.  In my own little make believe world.  A world where you are still here and we are all happpier and life is better that what we have now.  Maybe in my world the pain of you being taken from us does not eat away at me.  Maybe in my world, TJ is happier and more at peace with his decisions.  Maybe, just maybe, my world is a better place to be.
My Jacquie, I miss you.  I love you.  That is all there is to say for now.  Love, your mom forever
 

June 10th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, We got back from the National Compulsory Clinic in Reno early this morning.  You should have been there too, you should have been on the floor learning the routines with me.  I missed you, I missed the chance to dance with you.  I missed the time that we should have spent laughing at how bad we were trying to do the new routines.  I missed you.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I miss your smile and your laugh.  I miss your hugs and kisses.  I miss the talks we had and the dreams you shared with me.  I miss the times we spent "discussing" the parents at the gym school and enjoying the children.  I miss that we are not able to be following through with the plans for your future.  I miss you.  We all miss you. the 4 Hirschs are still 4 but we are broken and not whole without you.  You are in our thoughts in all we do.  Our lives are hard without you and some days we just wait for the night to come.  We will never forget you and we will always want you to be with us- to be near us so we can be strong and courageous like you are.  I love you Jacqueline Elisabeth.  Love, mom
 

June 5th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, you have been sending a lot of "Tink Winks" to us lately.  A number of people have shared their "winks" with us and, like us, they are thrilled to hear from you.  I am always grateful when someone tells us their tale, because it is as though you sent a message to us through them.  When you visit us, we are  so happy.  When a long time passes between visits, we are sad and we wonder if you are alright.  I, probably more than anyone, needs to be reassured a lot, that you are ok.  I guess that is the "mom" in me.  It will always be that way until we are together again.
Tomorrow I have to go to Reno to learn the new compulsory routines.  You can't begin to know how much I wish you were going with us.  I really hate the thought of flying, but I don't have a choice.  So, if you could send me a "wink" or two to tide me over until I get home, that would really be great.  I know we'd have so much fun if you were there, and it saddens me to know that I will not be sharing this with you.  I wish....
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I ever will be.  You are each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  You are my sun in the sky and the rainbows after a rain.  When your dad, TJ and are are together, you are missing but you are with us.  Every moment of every day- you are with us.  We are forever 4 and someday we will be together again.  Until that time, please watch over us.  Give us the strength we need to continue on without you and to keep fighting your fight.  You have taught us well and we will work hard not to disappoint you.  We do BELIEVE- in you, in the 4 of us, and in "someday".  Stay by my side, I will always stay by yours.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom
 

June 2nd, 2013 - Dear Jacquie,  I missed you again today.  You hear that a lot from me, don't you.  I am sorry, but I miss you all the time, and especially on days when you should have been somewhere special with us.  Today was Angel's wedding shower.  She is having 12 girls in the wedding party, it should be 13.  I kept thinking about and remembering Danielle's shower and how much fun we all had, you really enjoyed it!  After her shower was over and we were on our way home, you talked about what YOUR wedding shower would be like.  You had ideas for what you wanted even though you weren't even engaged yet!  We joked and laughed and planned.  What happen to our plans?
Angela spoke to everyone about you and Peter and how much you would both be missed all the pre-wedding activities and on the day of the wedding.  I was sad.  I keep trying to not let it bother me, but is it so there.  I can't forget how much you are missing and how much we are missing you.  The shower was really nice and I had some bacon for you.  I also had 2 Mimosas, which I don't really like but knew you would want to have some if you could so I had them for you.  I missed you today, My Jacquie.
My Sweet Little Girl,  I miss you and I love you.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  One thousand thirty days is not long enough to make the pain go away.  Forever isn't long enough to make the pain go away.  I love you, love- mom
 

May 30th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, HAPPY 28th BIRTHDAY My Sweet Daughter!  Today is your "real" birthday, not one of you "transplant birthdays" and it is a very special day indeed.  twenty eight years ago, you were given to us, a most of gifts for your dad, your brother, and me.  We celebrated your birth and we knew you were special.  You completed our family and added more light, laughter and love to that which the birth of TJ haad already brought to your dad and me.  I don't think, when we first talked about having children, that either of us could have ever imagined the way our lives would be changed forever.  We could not have known how much our lives were missing until the two of you came along and showed us what family and love really meant.  The memories are endless, the times shared and remembered too many to write, but you and I talk about them every day.  The "remember whens" and the "who saids" and "who dids" are never ending.  I can only say that talking with you and remembering are the best parts of my day.  In our talks, we are all together, and the 4 of us are whole again.  This year, when I started thinking of what gift to give you for your birthday I wanted it to be more special than anything I had yet given you.  This is the 5th year we have had to celebrate without you- five years of having strawberry cupcakes with strawberrry frosting without you to eat them with us.  So your gift had to mean something special.  I March I recieved another "Precious Moments" catalog and as I looked through it- there it was.  A Precious Moments statue of a mother giving her little baby girl to an Angel.  She is crying and her tears looked so real.  I knew that was the gift I would give to you.  I had your full name- Jacqueline Elisabeth- put on it so you would know that was specially made for you.  I hope you like it.  I hope you know that having to give you to the Angel was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I hope you know that the decision your dad, TJ and I had to make was the hardest one the three of us ever had or will ever have to make.  And more than anything, we hope you know that we made that decision because we love you so very very much.  I will read you your card from me, it is To My Daughter-
     Sometimes I wonder if anyone has ever loved a daughter the way I love you...
     Sometimes I can't BELIEVE anyone has ever felt as surprised by years that passed too quickly or experienced such   emotion from seeing a once little girl grow up to be such a beautiful young woman...
     Sometimes I wonder if anyone has ever felt as proud of a daughter as I am of mine.
     I hope you always know how much I love you.
     Have a Beautiful Birthday.
I wrote to you- My Dear Jacquie, No, I know that no mother has ever loved her daughter as much as I love you.
                        Love, mom
 

May 26th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, tonight we missed you, again.  We went to the Tim McGraw concert- your dad,TJ, Lindsey and I.  It was at Darien Lake and just like always, I kept thinking of all the concerts we went to there,- your dad, TJ you and I.  I think of the fun we had and the songs we sang so loudly and very poorly.  The good thing was, the people around us didn't seem to notice how bad we were.  They were either singing as badly as we were or were too drunk to even hear us! Do you remember those times, My Jacquie?  Do you remember that we would spend more time deciding what food to bring than what we would wear?  Do you remember the fun and the love?  Do you miss those times as much as we do?  I am so sorry you were not there with us.  I wish things were different, very different.  I wish...
My Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You are every breath I take and each beat of my heart.   You took part of each of us when you were taken from us, and each of us kept a part of you.  You live within our hearts and our lives and we are still 4.  We always have been and we always will be.  And someday, we 4 will be together again.  I love you My Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

May 23rd, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, I am sorry.  I couldn't make it today.  I couldn't leave the house.  I know I promised you I would not give in to my sadness, I promised you I would try to stay strong and follow your lead.   I am sorry that I broke my promise, but today, I needed to be here with you.  I will try harder tomorrow so I don't disappoint you again.  I love you, mom
 

May 22nd, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Thank you Jacquie!  Last night, for the first time in a very long time, you came to me in my dreams.  I had you in my dreams all night long it seems.  You were there in all different phases of your life- a toddler, a little girl, a baseball player, a swimmer, a diver, a teenager, at your prom, and others that I can't remember.   But I DO remember so much and I wanted to stay asleep forever.  I wanted to be there with you, close to you and being your mom again.  I know Ithat one of the dreams was about you first dance recital.  I also know that since Olivia's recital last Saturday, I have spent a lot of time remembering your recitals and how much fun we had getting you ready-hair, make-up, costumes, pictures and bouquets of flowers.  The other dreams I am sure came because I am  dreading  another of your birthdays without you.  All your birthdays make me happy and sad.  Happy because of you- you made our lives so much better and the memories are wonderful.  Sad for the obvious reason- you aren't here and there will be no more birthday memories with you.  No more memories of any kind with you.  Your last birthday spent at Roswell with youf family and friends.  Your wish that day that  never came true.  Thank you for the dreams Jacquie.  And thank you for the rainbow in the sky as I left the gym tonight.  Marianne and Angela have both sent pictures of rainbows to us, but I haven't seen a rainbow in so long.  And tonight, as I walked outside, it was there.  It was bright and colorful- the purple was the most vibrant color.  And we could see both ends, the middle was missing but we knew it was hiding behind the clouds.  And we knew, we BELIEVED., that you sent us the rainbow to tell us you love us.  We love you Jacquie.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  That's all there is to say.  Sleep well, My Angel. Goodnight.  Love, mom
 

May 18th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, today we went to Olivia's dance recital.  I wish you could have been there with us.  I wish you could have been there to watch her and all the other little children dancing and singing their hearts our for the audience.  And I wish you could have been there because that would mean you were still here with us, and maybe we could have been watching your daughter dancing with Olivia.  After Olivia was done, we all went outsid ein the sunshine to take pictures.  I couldn't wait to leave becasue all I could think about was that you will never bring your daughter to a dance recital.  You won't ever have the chance to help her puton her costume, and do her hair and make-up and watch her twirl around and around.  You won't ever get to be a "back stage mom" to help the kids get on and off stage and back safely to their parents when their dance is over.  All those things I was able to do with you for so many recitals and wanted so much for you to someday make those wonderful memories with your daughter.  I envy the grandmothers who can watch the daughters they shared those times with, doing the same thing with their grandaughters.  Maybe because it is May and your birthday is coming up, but the recital made me cry and wish I was with you.  It reminded me again, what you have been cheated out of- what your senseless death has deprived you of.  And mostly, it reinforced that the pain does goes on because life goes on.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you so very much.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I wish you the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky.  On clear nights, I look into the dark shy and try to find your star.  I wonder if you are looking down on me as I am looking up to the heavens at you.  I wonder if you are safe and happy and I wonder if you know, really know, how much I miss you.  It has been 1715 days and I miss you.  I haven't had a "Tink Wink" from you in a while so if you can manage it, please send one to me soon.  I need a little more help these days so whatever you can do would be great.  Remember, the four of us will be together again someday.   Stay well, My Jacquie, and be happy.  Love, your mom forever
 

May 14th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, yesterday you welcomed another victim of Leukemia.  A 26 year old young woman with her life ahead of her- cut short by a disease that knows no boundries.  Again, family and friends are left behind to wonder WHY?  To wonder how they will go on with the sorrow and grief that has engulfed them.  To wonder when the pain will ever stop and the emptiness won't pull them down in the hole that is bottomless.  Keep her close to you and teach her what you have learned.  Be sure to tell her to let her family and friends know that she will never leave them.  Tell her to send them strength and courage to go on without her because someday- they will all be together again.
My Jacquie, I love you and I miss you.  Love, mom
 

May 12th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Today is Mother's Day and I want to send a message to Bree from me and from you. 
Dear Bree/mom-  Thank you.  Two small simple words that mean everything.  As is always the case, words that are in my heart don't always come out the right way on paper but I'll try.  The thank you is for all you are to us and all you have given us, all that you have taught us.  You have taught us to be patient and kind- to show others compassion and forgiveness.  You have taught us strong work ethics, showing us that nothing worth having comes easy.  You have watched us make mistakes when we know you would have wanted to help us avoid making them, but you knew we had to learn on our own.  You showed us how to "BELIEVE" in ourselves and to trust our own judgement.  You accepted us as were.  You gave us advice and guidence and then let us make our own decisions.  You dried our tears and told us that big girls DO cry.  You shared your wisdom, and life experiences with us so that we may know you and where you came from.  You held us tight in your arms and let us know the security of your love.  You taught us to dream and to "BELIEVE" that dreams can come true.  You taught us to hope and to know that nothing is truly hopeless.  You showed us that determination and ambition will reap rewards and that rewards are whatever we wish them to be.  YOu gave us no promises that you couldn't keep but promised us the world.  And love.  You gave uncondtionaly love.  In good times and bad, no love love never faded, it grew.  And at the worst times of our lives you gave us each other.  Happy Mother's Day Bree/ Mom, with love forever and ever- Sharon and Forever Jacquie
 

May 10th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie,  I have been home all week with you, and the time we have spent together has been very good for me.   Since I am unable to be at the gym to coach, I have been able to be here with you and although I feel terrrible, I would stay this way forever if it meant being home with you all the time.  You see, I know that you are always with me, but here, at home, is where you really are.  Here is where I feel you the most, among all your clothes and Tink things and all your belongings.  Here is where you and I belong together, just us so we can talk and sing and look at pictures and remember better times.  Here is where we can laugh and cry and just be ourselves without having to worry about being "up" for those around me so I don't bring anyone "down".  I can miss you without someone telling me that time heals all wounds.  And I can make myself "BELIEVE" that you are next to me in my arms the way I last held you.  The way it will be again someday.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul, with all that I am and all that I ever will be.  You are each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  And with each day that passes without you, I am closer to being with you again someday.  Your dad and TJ and I are really still lost without you, and although we try hard, sometimes we just can't seem to get it right without you.  There will never be a truer "4" than the 4 of us.  And there will never be a love like we have for eachother.  So, My Sweetheart, until we are together again, your chair will stay empty and we will continue to work hard for you and your dream.  Someday, you will be inyour chair again, with the 4 of us at the table, and someday, your dream will come true.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever
 

May 5th, 2013
- Dear Jacquie, I imagine that you are in Heaven celebrating Cinco de Mayo.  I know you are because you liked to find reasons to get together with your family and friends and celebrate "something" or "anything".  I wish you were here celebrating with your family and friends becaue then it would truly be a celebration.  I find myself wondering what Heaven is like,  I wonder it a lot.  I wonder what it looks like and what you do there.  I wonder if you see people you knew and who knew you.  And as always, I wonder if you are happy and safe and fed and warm, and pain free.  So while I think of what you might be doing up there today, I really wish I knew for sure.  As for me, as you have seen, I have shingles and am not celebrating anything.  I am trying not to scratch my head my hair, and desparately trying not to scratch my eyeball out.  I keep trying to be brave like you were, and I know the pain I am feeling is nothing like the pain you lived with.  I tell myself to think of you and what you went through and then I know that I can get through this.  You taught me so much, My Jacquie.  So, for today, please remember that we miss you being here with us, you made our lives so much better and you made every party a party to remember.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  You are always in my heart and forever on my mind.  Everything I do and see reminds of you somehow.  My mind is busy with memories and "remember whens" whenever I think of you.  I love you so very much and as time goes on, I love you more and more.  I WILL love you forever and longer than that.  Love, your mom
 

May 3rd, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, as always, I was reading one of the books that you recieved as a gift when you were sick, and I found a poem that fits you.  It is by Barbara J. Hall and is called "See Yourself Succeeding".  I hope you see yourself in the words.
 
          The way you see yourself has a lasting impact on your life.
          When you consider yourself worthy of achieving your goals...
          you'll become who you want to be.
          You'll see yourself as confident and capable,
          and you'll follow a different path-
          because you now see yourself walking towards success.
 
          We don't always realize the full impact of our thoughts-
          how far they reach or how they truly affect us and our goals.
          See yourself in this brand-new light.
          Think you can- and you will.
          Do all you can to become everything you want to be.
 
I think that peom should be called "Jacquie's Legacy".  That is what you left us with.  Words to think about and keep in our hearts.  Words to live by.  Everyday I think about what you would be doing if you were still with us, and I know that you would be making life better- for all of us, just like you did when you were here.  And even though you are far away, the words you want us to live by ring loudly in our ears.  You know what we need to hear and you make sure we hear it.  I hope you know that we are all trying to live by those wise words and to be better people because of you.  It is hard, you know- to live up to your expectations.  You left us with so much to do and big shoes to fill.  The days that are the hardest are the days those shoes are way too big.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with every breath I take and each beat of my heart.  I love you to the moon and back.  My heart is still broken, and still has an emptiness in it.  People who say "time heals" are wrong.  Time does not heal  it just gives you more time to live with your loss.  Anyone who hasn't lost a child will not ever understand that.  Time goes on, so does the pain.  Yes, memories help, but there will not be any new memories to cherish.  I love you Jacquie, and am waiting for you to come to me, to let me know you haven't left me.  I can't be without you, I can't.  Love, your mom forever
         

April 30th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, here it is- the end of another month.  Another April has passed without you.  I have been thinking about you, as always, and remembering past Aprils.  How we would be getting ready for the  summer and hotter weather.  When you were little, we would have shopped for new bathing suits, shorts, t shirts and flip flops.  We would be signing up for summer activities- swimming, softball and tennis, and anything else you decided to try.  We would be thinking of what flowers to plant and where to put them.  Getting your bike and rollar skates, then rollar blades, ready was on the list of things to do as well. So much to look forward to- no school, and sleeping in.  As you got older, some of the summer preparations stayed the same, some changed.  You had more to do and more friends to do them with.  Days at the beach, concerts, swimming in our pool and have unexpected parties for almost any reason.  We still shopped for summer clothes, and flip flops but now you "needed" more of them.  You were working at the gym so sleeping in was only for weekends.  You could drive, so I lost my role as your chauffer.  However, we still did spend a lot of time together, for which I will always be grateful.  I know that you gave me much more time in your life than many moms get to share with their daughters and I feel so lucky to have had those wonderful times with you.  I miss them and wish for more.
My Sweet Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  Each passing season brings me closer to being with you again, and I am waiting.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You ARE my sunshine and the light that makes the world a brighter and better place.  You bring the rainbows to us and the colors that make our days bearable.  You have given us a lifetime of memories to keep in our hearts and to cherish forever.  We love you and we are The Four Hirschs- now and forever.  Someday, we will be together again.  I love you, your mom
 

April 28th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, My Sweet Daughter- I miss you.  I love you.  Mom
 

April 23rd, 2013 - Dear TJ, Happy 31st Birthday to MY BIG BROTHER!!!!!!.  If only you knew how much I wish I could be there with you to celebrate the day of your birth.  It is truly a day to celebrate.  The day you were born, the world became a better place.  You brought happiness and love and hope for a better future.  In your 31 years you have done so much and made us all so proud of you.  I know that you tell me that you are proud of the person I am, but I don't think it compares to the pride I have in the person you are.  When we were growing up, we had our issues, and at times we didn't get along too well.  But those times passed as we grew older and realized how very special we were to each other.  I know that there was never a time that I couldn't count on you to be there for me, and I for you.  You took your "big brother" role very seriously, sometimes too much so (LOL), and you know what I am referring to.  But I wouldn't trade those times for anything.  I think of all we have done together, all we have shared and I am in awe that a brother and sister could have such a great relationship.  I wish I could give you my birthday gift to you in person, but mom will make sure you get it.  I hope you like it.   I wish I could have gone to the Melting Pot with you and shared your fondue.  I wish I could say the words to you that were in my card.  I hope you know that I mean everything that was said and that I love you so very much.  TJ, BELIEVE in yourself, never doubt that you are an amazing person.  You are a wonderful son, a loving grandson and godfather, a fun and caring cousin, a terrific friend, a giving employer, an astute businessman, and most of all- the very best brother in the world.  I love you, TJ and someday when we are together again, I will give you all the birthday hugs we have missed.  Until then, when you feel a breeze on your face, it is a kiss from me to you.  Love, your Jax
 

April 21st, 2013 - Dear Jacquie,  It was a long weekend, and this week looks to be even longer.  There is an endless amount of work to be done, for the Foundation and at the gym.  I just want you to know that no matter how busy I am and how frustrated I get, I am thinking of you.  I want you to be happy and safe and warm, and I want you to not be in pain anymore. 
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I am so sorry. So very very sorry.  Love,your BFF Forever
 

April 17th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Happy Birthday to Aunt Sheryl and me.  Never have I missed you more than I did today.  I know you saw it, but I so very much wish yo could have been here with me when I saw her.  You should have been standing next to dad and TJ when I walked into the garage.  You should have been the first one to take a ride with me.  You should have been here.  I was so excited to see the new Mustang, with all the balloons on it, just sitting there waiting for me to realize it was mine.  I couldn't BELIEVE it.  Dad and TJ picked out a new car for me.  I wouldn't have ever parted with my Explorer.  I still don't know how I am going to sell it.  It has so many memories inside it, mostly of all the trips to NYC and Roswell.  We sang loudly (and poorly) in it, we cried in it and we laughed in it.  It was the one that we shopped in and went out to eat in.  I am sure people think I an crazy to be so attached to a car, but the memories are endless.  I love my new car and I will make memories with dad and TJ in it, but I won't have you to share it with.  Remember when I tried to learn how to drive the Mustang SVT?  All I could do was drive it around in circles in the gym parking lot.  We laughed so hard everytime I tried to learn- I was so bad.  The new one is an Automatic, so I can get out of the parking lot and actually drive it in the street.  I will always imagine you with me, next to me, singing loudly and laughing till we cried.  I wish you were here.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You are my sunshine and today, you gave me the gift of sunshine.  It was beautiful and I know you made it sunny so that I would know you are with me.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

April 15th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Day 1682 for us.  It has been a lifetime since we lost you.  Today, 3 more families will beging to count the days.  I know you are aware of what happened in Boston at the Marathon.  Please help the 3 who died and send strength and courage to their families.  What is ahead for them, no one should have to endure.  Like us, they weren't given a choice.  Help them to understand that love lives on forever and the memories will never die.
My Jacquie, I love you. I miss you.  I miss you every minute of every day.  I listen in the hopes that I will hear your laughter.  I look for your smile in my mind and I see you smiling so brightly at life.  I see your soft beautiful hair blowing in the wind and I wish I could touch it and brush if for you, the way I did when you were here.  I can't stop missing you and the love I feel for you grows stronger everyday.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I love you the sun and the moon and the stars.  I love you raindrops and rainbows.  I love you smiles and laughter and I love you hugs and kisses. I wish we could all be together now, but I realize that our reunion may have to wait.  Until then, we are still 4- The 4 Hirschs.  That is who we have been since the moment you were concievd.  We will always be as one, and distance cannot change that.  Heaven may be very far away, but you live close in our hearts and our memories.  We love you more than you will ever know.  Someday, when we hug you and kiss you again, you will feel the strength of our love.  Until then, know in our hearts you are hugged, kissed and loved.  Love, you mom forever.
 

April 14th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, last night we went to Sean Patrick's for dinner.  At the end of the meal, we recieved an envelope.  Liz said they had found the envelope in their office.  Your name was on the front.  When they opened it, there was a letter written to you and a $10 bill.  The letter was from from someone named Rich, it was a little hard to read the writing, and he wrote it to you after he heard you were sick.  He was someone who knew you from Sean Patrick's when you were bartending there, and he wanted to let you know he was thinking of you and wishing you well.  But, he started out the letter by thanking you.  He wanted to thank you for all the times you listened to his problems and were so nice to him.  He said how you helped him during a very rough time in his life, and how much he appreciated your kindness.  He wanted you to know that he was praying for you every day, as was his mother.  We were all rather stunned at the letter, and that it had been missing for so long and then found.  It was amazing that it just hadn't been thrown out without us ever seeing it.  It made us feel even more proud of you than we already do.  We know how kind you are, and caring and generous.  We are so proud that you extended that kindness to a stranger and made a difference in his life.  We will cherish the letter from him, and save the $10.  That $10 represents much more than money.  It represents person who you gave a chance to.Now and always, Jacquie, you are amazing.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  Love, mom
 

April 12th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Tonight we went to Aunt Elizabeth's harp concert, it was at the Orchard Park High School.  She is amazing- truly amazing.  I wish you could have been there to see her and hear her.  She plays so beautifully and the music just draws you in to another world.  I hope you remember all the times I played her CD for you.  When you were in the ICU in Roswell, I kept your earphones on much of the time.  I wanted to drown out the sounds of all the machines for you and I wanted you to hear familiar songs and music to help you relax and find some peace.  I played her CD for you so you could be drawn into anaother world- one without pain and suffering and loss.  I hope they gave you that.  Aunt Elizabeth had on a beautiful gown, one that you would have loved, and I couldn't help but remember that you and she had made plans to go to Denise's exquisite boutique and buy your next Hunter's Hope Ball gown.  We never made it there, did we.
My Jacquie, I love you.  I am sorry, so sorry.  Love forever, your mom
 

April 8th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, We miss you.  Saturday night some of us went over to TJ's house.  He wanted to do a "movie night" and watch some of your favorite movies.  We only had time to watch a couple- we watched Naked Gun 1 and 2.  It was fun but you were missed.  I kept picturing you there, laughing with us, eating pizza and wings and then finding rooom for cake and desserts.  Each time we all get together, there is an "empty" feeling, feeling that the time is incomplete.  And it always is, because you are missing.  The emptiness isn't just in my heart, it is in all of ours.  No matter how much time passes, your absence will always hurt and the empty feeling will always continue.  Life will foreve be missing it's greatest gift- you.
I am sure you know, but Pat died yesterday.  You were most likely there to welcome him to heaven.  He- like you, Billy, and so many others- was taken from us way to soon.  At 34, he still had his lifef ahead of him, a life cut short by cancer.  Jacquie, I don't know why cancer can't be cured.  How can a God let this keep happening.  There is so much research going on, how can it be that there is no cure?  How many more will die before a cure is found?  How many more lives will be given up before they can be saved?  How many more people will die before they have a chance to make their dreams come true?  I know you can't give me the answers.  I know there are no answers.  And that is what hurts the most.  There is no reason for you to have been taken from us.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you the sun and the moon and the stars.  I love you rainbows and raindrop.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I will keep you alive in my heart and in my memories.  I will cherish the time we had- the laughter, and the tears, the smiles and the "upside down smiles".  I will cherish our shopping trips and our lunches out.  I will cherish the time you shared your friends with me and the time you shared your thoughts with me.  I will cherish you, My Jacquie, TJ and your dad, as the greatest gifts in my life.  The chair may be empty but you will never be forgotten.  I love you, love- mom
 

April 5th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, I just dropped your dad off at the train station.  He is going to New York City for the Level 8 State Meet.  The meet isn't until tomorrow but he is going to try to go to visit Hope Lodge and maybe see Justine.I hope he is able to get to Hope Lodge, it would be nice for him to be able to see the Tree of Hope that is there with yours and Billy's leaves on it.  Someday, when I have the courage, I want to go back there too. I would like to see the tree, but most of all, I would like to say "thank you" again, to all the incredible people there.  We have sent numerous donations and letters to them, but I feel that saying it in person, would mean more.  For now, however, the thought of going back to New York City without you, hurts too much still.  I have so many memories of you and I, trying to navigate in that "new world" that was so unlike anything we have ever known.  The traffic, the millions of people, the stores, the food, everything was like a different planet.  To this day,  I don't know how we managed to get where we needed to be when we needed to be there.  Do you remember how early I would have to get out into the street just to get a cab to take us to Sloan Kettering?  How anxious and worried I was that you were going to get too tired waiting for me to get back?  Do you remember some of those cab rides that were so scary becasue the drivers were lunatics?  Everything we did, everywhere we went was another memory to be cherished.  And now, I don't want to be there without you.  Someday, maybe, but not now.  Anyway, if you could, please keep an eye on your dad.  Try to keep him from getting lost and wandering around.  You know how he is.  But this time, there is no one to say "where's Torey".  LOL.  Don't let him lose his money to a street person again!
My Jacquie, as we wait for spring to arrive, I wait for you.  I wait for you to give me a sign that you are near.  I found a peeny on the ground the other day and I know you sent it to me.  But, if you can, I would like a whisper in my ear.  Just say "mom" and I will know that you are close.  In my heart, I know you are with me, but I need to feel that all around me.  We are always with you and the 4 of us will always be together.  Someday, when we are together again, we will share our hugs for real, but for now, we hug you in our minds and hearts and you are hugging us back.  I love you, mom
 

April 2nd, 2013 - Dear Jacquie,  Happy April Sweetheart.  I wonder where the time is going.  Annother new month starting, into the fourth month of the new year already.  It has been cold here, nothing like spring yet.  There have been some robins out in the yard, and some of the tulips we planted for you are starting to come up.  I think they will look pretty if they make it all the way to full bloom, but the rabbits keep eating them so I don't know if we will ever see any color, just the green stem.  The deer have been in the yard a lot and I love having them here and watching them.  The two little babies that were born last year have gotten so big and jump over the fence with ease.  They are so cute when they run and play and chase each other.  I know you send them to me because they make me smile.  Thank you. 
This morning, TJ was on TV.  Did you see him?  The "Why Guy" from Channel 2 went to his garage and did a piece on TJ's car and garage guilding business. It was so neat.  He and Trevor did a great job.  TJ is so good when he is speaking- whether it is on the radio, TV or in person- he comes across so clear and confident.  We are so proud of him and I know yo are too.  I wish things would be going better for him, business wise, but is is such a hard worker that I'm hoping things will pick up.  Maybe you could send him a "Tink Wink' of encouragement..
The gym is the same, as you can probably see.  I think a lot of the tears that I cry are becasue I miss you being here to make me be more optimistic and positive.  I get so down when I'm there and I know you could be my "pick me up".  I guess I could use a few "Tink Winks" too.
My Jacquie, in the words of Anatole Franace "To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also BELIEVE".  You have accomplished great things.   You planned and you BELIEVED.  You have showed us all, what you want us to do and how to go about doing it.  The problem is, following in your footsteps is impossible.  I know that no matter how much I want it,  I will never be as strong or courageous or as great as you.  And that is ok with me- I wasn't meant to be any ot those things- you were.  As long as you know I am trying to do the best I can, I will be ok with being less.  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  With all that I am and all that I ever will be.  I love that we are 4 and that that will never change.  I love that even now, you are in my mind and in my heart- now and always.  Never leave me, Jacquie, I can't make it without you.  Love, mom
 

March 30th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Always and forever- I miss you.  Dad and I have been noticing that lately, we are crying more.  I don't know why.  He has been spending more time at his office trying to get things done, but not accomplishing much because he spends so much time thinking of you.  As for me, I spend a lot of time at the gym, too, trying to get work done but memories keep me from getting anywhere.  I have a book that Kaitlyn A. gave us all when you were sick.  She was doing her nursing rotation at Roswell and stopped in to see you and bring this gift.  She wrote in it that she hopes it would help us during the difficult times.  I read it so much now that I carry it with me in my breifcase.  I want to share parts of it with you, even though I read it to you while you were sick.  Some parts made us laugh, some made us cry.  Little did we know that our time to share those words would soon end.  This is to you , My Jacquie.  It was written by Ashley Rice.
 
     Don't let old mistakes or misfortunes hold you down: learn from them, forgive yourself- or others- and move on.
     Do not be bothered or discouraged by adversity.  Instead, meet it as a challenge.
     Be empowered by the courage it takes you to overcome obstacles.
     Learn something new every day.
     Be interested in others and what they might teach you.  But do not look for yourself in the face of others.
     As far as who you are and who you will becomes goes, the answer is always within yourself.
     Follow your heart.  You- like everyone else- will make mistakes.
     But as long as you are true to the strength within your own heart...
     You can never go wrong.
 
My Jacquie, those words are YOU.  Each time I read this part of the book, I know that I would have said these words to you, not in the same fancy way, but in my own way.  I would want you to know that your life would be all  you wanted it to be.  I am so sorry that you didn't have the chance.  I am so very sorry.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love forever, mom.
 

March 26th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Today is Billy's one year "anniversary".  Such a sad and horrible day, one that really isn't an "anniversary".  I feel so bad for his mom and dad and brothers, and everyone who knew him.  Death of a loved one doesn't heal, it has some days that are better than others, but better is not always that good.  The questions they ask are the same ones I ask- "why him", "what did he do to deserve this", "why not someone else".  Always questions, never answers. We miss you Billy.  Thank you for keeping us free, for sacraficing your life for us.  Thank you for the memories.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  You are my beating heart and the breath that sustains me.  You give me strength when I am weak and courage when my courage falters.  I know we are still 4 and we always will be, and someday- we will be together again.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. I am waiting for you to come to see me.  Let me know you are happy and well- I need to know.  I love you,My Jacquie.  Love mom
 

March 22nd, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Last night we went down to the Ride For Roswell Kick-off party at the New Era Cap Company.  There were a  lot of people there, and guess what Jacquie?  So many of them remember you and the Foundation!  It was really nice to have people come up to us and ask how the Foundation is doing and are we going to be the "Team In Green" again this year.  Also, many said they had seen other events we have done or been associated with.  They seem to be impressed with our success and that feels really nice.  That should make you very proud!    We will once again, be a team to watch.  Mindy will be our Team Captain this year and she has some great ideas for fundraising for our riders.  We are going to be offering some prizes for our riders from the gym too.  It is great to have MIndy on board as captain- TJ is so busy now and not able to put time into the Ride that it needs.  We know she will do a terrific job.  Thank you for sending her to us.
My Sweet Jacquie,  I found a little quote that made me think immediately of you when I read it.  It says "Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly."  The quote is by St. Francis de Sales.  I am sure that quote was written for you.  When you were young, you wanted to be lots of things, but whatever you wanted to be- you were always YOU.  The YOU that we all love and miss so much.   The YOU that left her mark on this world.  The YOU that we will never forget and will always be grateful for.  The YOU that showed us courage and strength and happiness and love.  The YOU that lives within each of us and reminds us that what our life is, is what we choose to make of it.  That is who YOU are and YOU are perfect.  Love, your mom
 

March 20th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Another "Happy" today.  Happy Spring, My Jacquie!  Although the weather is not spring-like, the calender says that today is the first day of spring.  Are the flowers starting to bloom in heaven?  It will be a while before it is warm enough here for the flowers to come out, but as soon as the weather starts to get better, we will start to get your garden ready.  This year, not only will you have beautiful flowers, but some really beautiful garden stones and ornaments.   You have recieved many new things for your garden and we will get everything ready for you so when you look down from heaven, you can tell everyone,"isn't my garden the most beautiful one you have every seen?".  Your dad works so hard you make it look pretty for you.  We just need to keep the rabbits out of it so they don't eat the flowers as soon as they bloom.  Dad is also going to try to have the gazebo done this year.  Then I will be able to hang all the sparkling teardrops from Danielle on it- it will look so beautiful and you will be able to see the twinkling sparkles all the way up to heaven.  They will sparkle the same way your eyes and your smile do.  They will sparkle like your life.
My Sweet Daughter, I miss you.  I miss you every minute of every day.  Some minutes are easier than others, some are very hard.  But the minutes that pass by bring me closer to the time that we will be together again.  I am so sorry, so very sorry.  I love you.  Love, your mom
 

March 17th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Happy St. Patrick's Day Sweetheart!  Are you dressed in green?  Are you partying and drinking green beer?  I wish I knew.  I wish you were here to celebrate with TJ and the girls.  They are going to go to Dwyers and then I think they are going to try to go down to the parade in downtown Buffalo.  I know they will miss you being with them.  All the things they do, all the places they go are- you are so missed.  And you and I both know, they are going to remember the St. Patrick's Day of 2008 and talk about it all day long.  I still think we were luck y we missed that day, doesn't sound like it was too fun to me.  Besides, you and I celebrated just fine, just the two of us.  I miss you Jacquie.
My Jacquie, today, as always, you are on my mind and in my heart.  The memories crowd my head and I sometimes can't separate them all.  I get confused about what is a memory and what is a wish.  I wonder if I am going crazy sometimes because I really BELIEVE so hard that you really are talking to me in my memories.  I can hear you and I, I can hear our voices having a conversation and I can hear you laugh.  I can see your smile and I can watch your eyes crinkle when you are smiling. I can smell your shampoo and I can feel your love.  I want so much for you to be here with me, to give me a sign that you are always with me.  My dreams are waiting for you.  Love, your mom
 

March 13th, 2013 - Dear Uncle David, Happy Birthday!! I wish I could call you and sing a"Happy Birthday To You"!  I wish I could tell you that I love you.  I hope you know that I love you very much and I hope you have a very wonderful day and an incredible year.
Love from heaven, Jacquie
 

March 12th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, It has been a long day today.  It seems the more I do, the more there is to be done.  I guess I need to take my own advice that I used to give to you and TJ and try to budget my time more wisely.  The problem is, I think I have my days organized and ready to go, and then something comes up or goes wrong and BAM- the day is shot and all my planning goes away.  I remember when I first tried to have you use a day planner.  Do you remember that?  We talked about how important it is to know what you have to do each day, what you have to get done, where to have to be and at what time.  I told you that being organized with your time would become more important the older you got and the more things you had to do during your days.  You told me that you really didn't think you needed to plan too far in advance because "something more fun" might come along.  I remember wondering if I should laugh or cry at that statement.  I laughed.  You made me laugh so many times with your wonderfully carefree outlook on life.  I miss that,  I miss you.  I wish I could have you here to make me laugh.
My Jacquie,  I do miss you so very much.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  I love you with each breath I take and every beat of my heart.  I love you when the sun shines and I love you when the rain falls.  I love you when the  day begins and I love you when the day ends.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, mom
 

March 8th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, I saw a poem the other day, and I thought of you when I read it.  You and I  both know I am not big into poetry but once in a while I see something or hear something that I want to share with you.  Sometimes, the words remind me of who you are and other times they make me think about who you would have become.  But whatever the case, the words below  touched my heart.  They made me want you to see yourself as I see you.  The words aren't from my mouth, but they are from my heart.
 
                                                "Be True to Yourself"  by Jacqueline Schiff            (notice her name)
 
       Never let anyone change your mind about what you feel you can achieve.
       Be true to the light that is deep within you.  Hold on to your faith, hope, and joy for life.
       Keep good thoughts in your mind and good feelings in your heart.
       Keep love in your life, and you will find the love and light in everyone.
       Be giving, forgiving, patient, and kind.  Have faith in yourself.
       Be your own best friend, and listen to the voice that tells you to be your best self.
       Be true to yourself in the paths that you choose.
       Follow your talents and passions; don't take the roads others say you must follow because they are the most popular.
       Take the paths where your talents will thrive- the ones that will keep your spirits alive with enthusiasm and everlasting joy.
       Most of all, never forget that there is no brighter light than the one within you.
       Follow your inner light to your own personal greatness.
 
My Sweet Jacquie, there surely is no brighter light than you.  You shine for us all, here on earth and from heaven.  We look to you for courage and we look to you for hope.  We need you to help us to keep BELIEVING.  Sometimes, it is so hard, maybe even impossible to keep BELEIEVING when things get so bad.  I know that when I feel the most down and defeated, I look to you for guidence.  I look to you to send me some of your strength so that I can face whatever is ahead.  I don't know how you did it, day after day after day- fighting a foe who refused to give you even an inch.  But fight you did, and I learned from you tha giving up is not an option.  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  With all that I am  and all that I will ever be.  You are the sun shinning in the sky, and the moon glowing bright at night.  You are the stars that twinkle like your eyes when you smile.  You are my heart, you are my rock.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love forever, mom
 

March 6th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Day 1642.  Four and a half years.  I love you My, Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

March 2nd, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Sad.  So sad.  Thinking too much.  Remembering.  Memories.  Everything.  Nothing.  Why?  My mind can't seem to shut down when it should.  I spend time remembering and wondering.  Remembering how is was before you were taken from us.  Wondering what we would be doing now if you hadn't been.  I think of the person you grew up to be and wish you were still here so you would be able to share yourself with the world.  I remember a talk we had once, when you and your friends were going through a rough time.  Girls.  Whenever more than two are involved- there is potential for issues, right Jax?  Well, we were talking about who was mad at who, and who didn't want to go somewhere with this one or that one.  And you were worried about what your friends thought of you and who would think you were taking who's side of the "discussion".  I told you that what you think of yourself is much more important than what others think of you and you questioned what that meant.  I explained that in life, there will be thousands of people who interact with you and become part of your life.  It would be impossible to be the person that each of them thinks you should be because each of them would see you in a different way, depending on what part of your life they are a part of.  I said that the one person who's opinion mattered the most was yours.  At the end of the day, you needed to look back and know you did the best you could, and be comfortable with the decisions you made.  Your opinion of yourself mattered the most.  You will never be able to please everyone, but you could do your best to please yourself.  And if you are content with the person you are, and proud of what you have accomplished, others will be too.  I told you that in the days ahead, there will be plenty of people who will try to tear you down, try to undermine you and hurt you.  These people are unhappy and don't want others to be.  You just need to hold your head high, walk proudly- don't let them win.   There is nothing anyone can take away from you unless you let them.  I think after that talk, you looked at things a little differently.  Talking with you always made me look inside at myself.  I could only hope that someday, you would know how special your friendships were and how much you gave of yourself to your friends.  I hope you know.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I wish I could be like you, strong and courageous.  I see the person you are and wish I was able to live my life the way you did.  I am still so sad and angry and as time goes on, I am afraid I will become more so.  I think that the hole inmy heart will get bigger as time goes on, because there are so many things missing in your life that would have filled it up.  I look outside in the yard and can see you there.  I can see you with your children that you should have had, our grandchildren.  I see our house so empty now, so hollow.  Like my heart.   Love, your mom forever
 

February28th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, I hope you are planning a party in heaven today for Billy.  Happy 28th Birthday Billy!!  I have spent the last few days thinking more and more of Billy, his mom and dad, his brothers and his family and friends.  I feel so badly for them.  They have another "first" today- the first birthday without Billy being here.  I wonder how each of them will remember him today, how they will choose to honor his special day.  I will go to visit him at the cemetary and as always, we will talk.  But today, I am not sure what I will say because I am so angry that he is not here to celebrate with his family and friends.  It is just the same as with you- why?  All the cancer casualties and all the war casualties leave behind grief and sorrow and anger and pain and the question WHY?  Today, Billy's mom will remember the little baby she gave birth to and the incredible young man he grew up to be.  They will all remember the caring and loving son and brother and friend.  His men will remember the fearless and strong leader he was and the way he made them all feel so importanat.  They will  remember the respect they had for him.  Everyone who knew Billy will remember the best memories they have of his time with them.  And all of us will be thankful that Billy was part of our lives.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you so very, very much.  Love, your mom
 

February25th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, it is ealy morning and you dominate my mind.  I can think of nothing else right now but you.  I have been thinking so much of our time in New York City and I can't help the memories that crowd my head.  I think of all we did and all you went through.   I think of the wishes and hope and dreams we had there, and brought back home with us.  I saw that deep inside you there was unlimited potential just waiting to be tapped into.  And is spite of the setbacks, you continued to BELIEVE in your power to create, to dream, and to take the risks that would make your dreams come true.  Your possibilities were limitless and you were willing to reach past what you were comfortable with in order to make those possibilities happen.  You learned  to accept change because you knew it would help you find your inner strength and courage.  You loved without restrictions, and dreamed without limitations.  You were and still are the most amazing daughter any mother could ask for.  Thank you.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  You showed us how to sing and dance, how to laugh and cry, and how to be courageous in the most difficult of times.  All you have taught me, I try to remember.  I don't always succeed.  I see your smile and I hear your laughter.  I hear your voice and I answer you back.  I love you to the moon and back and I love you the sunshine and the rain.  Stay with me, My Jacquie, and soon we will be four together again.  Your home in my heart is yours forever.  Love, mom
 

February22nd, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, THANK YOU!  Thank you for bringing dad and Marianne safely home.  Thank you for watching over them and guiding them to the top of the world and home again.  Most of all, thank you for meeting them as close to heaven as they could be.  I know you were with them, I felt it inside me.  I know you smiled with them and cheered for them as they took those last difficult steps to reach you.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, mom
 

February21st, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACQUIE!  Today is the 5th anniversary of you 2nd birthday.  Five years ago today you had your first bone marrow transplant and we called it your 2nd birthday.  You just wanted to have another day we could celebrate, eat strawberry cupcakes and buy you gifts!!  I bought strawberry cakemix and strawberry frosting for you but I won't make them.  You aren't here to eat them and neither is dad or TJ.  So I will just keep them for your next birthday.  It is also Lindsey C and Caitlin B birthdays today and I told them happy birthday from me and you.  I know you would want them to know that if you were here, you would not forget their special day.  I spent time in your room today going through scrapebooks, memory boxes and photo  albums.  I talked with you, laughed with you and cried for you.  After all this time, it still hurts.  The plans, the hopes and the dreams that will never be.  And as life goes on, I watch the new and exciting changes in your friends lives and I so envy their parents.  I wish that I could have saved you and given you your hopes and dreams.  I am so sorry Jacquie.
I love you My Daughter, love- mom
 

 February18th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Day 1626- yesterday and forever.  The house has been so lonely and empty without dad here.  The gym has been rough too, without him.  I knew I would miss him but our days are always so full and busy that we really don't see each other much or spend a lot of time together, except in the gym coaching.  It is strange not being able to talk to him or run by a problem with him.  I have tired to keep things going, but I'm not sure I did such a good job.  It will be really great when he finally gets home.  They will be summitting today and I can't wait to read the post from the top of the world.  I know you will be there with them and dad said he would give you a hug and a kiss from me.  If I could, I would give you them myself.  It must be a wonderful feeling for you to know what TJ, Angela, dad and Marianne have done for you.  Their journey to the top of Kili is a celebration of YOU.  It is a testament to how much you are loved and missed.  Their feat honors the person  you became as you grew into the amazing woman we all know and love.  As they climb, they are reminding you how many people look up to you, admire you and all the goodness you have in your heart.  Reach out to greet them and feel the happiness that eveyone wishes for you.  Bring sunshine to your heart and magic to your dreams to remind you of the never-ending love we all have for you. 
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you very very much.  I love you with each beat of my heart and every breath I take.  I can still feel your soft skin and silky hair on my fingertips, and I can see your smile and hear you laughing.  I miss you so much and am waiting to be with you again.  Take care of dad and Marinne for us, and send them safely home.  Keep smiling and laughing and be happy.  I need to know you are safe and happy because I worry about you and donn't know so much about where you are and what it is like.  Someday...  Love forever and ever, your mom
 

February14th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, HAPPY VALENTINES MY SWEETHEART!  I'm feeling a little down to day- missing you and your dad.  I know he is on his way to see you, but I wish you were both here where you belong.  Your dad had a beautiful  bouquet of flowers sent to me, it was at the gym when I got there.  And among all the beautiful flowers was an amazing purple rose, one like I have never seen before.  I saved that one for you.  TJ also gave me a beautiul bouquet too, and there were purple flowers in that one as well.  I guess you sent down your preference for color so we could share them.  I have 2 Valentines's Day cards for you because I liked them both so much and couldn't decide which one to get so I got both.  I will read them to you later.  I hope you like them.  I also bought you a box of the little candy conversation hearts that you like, there are lots of purple and pink ones in the box- your favorite flavors.  I wish you could eat them.  Jacquie,  you haven't come to see me for a while, although you have sent me "Tink Winks".  But the whispers and the soft touches have been missing.  If you can, will you please try to let me know you are with me, I really need to know.  I have been talking to you and singing to you but you haven't answered me back yet.  So , if you can..
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you so very much.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul, with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  The days have been overcast and cloudy but I keep looking into the sky for a rainbow from you.  I look at the sky at night and wonder which star you are.  I look for you everywhere and know you are there- somewhere, with me.  But if you you let me KNOW, that would really help me out now.  Stay well and be happy, My Jacquie.  Someday, the 4 of us will all be together again and them I will be happy.  I will love you forever, love-mom
 

February12th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie,well, dad and Marianne have been gone for 3 days and they started their climb today. I know I don't have to ask, I know you will be with them-watching ove them and keeping them safe.  I wish I was with them so I could see you at the top.  I found a poem/story by Jason Blume that I want to share with you.  When you read it, you will understand why.
 
                         Every goal that has ever been reached began with just one step...and the belief that it could be attained.
                         Dreams really can come true, but they are most often the result of hard work, determination, and      persistence.
                         When the end of the journey seems impossible to reach, all you need to do is take one more step.
                         Stay focused on your goal and remember that each small step will bring you a little closer.
                         When the road becomes hard to travel and it feels as if you'll never reach the end...
                         Look deep inside your heart and you will find the strength you never knew you had.
 
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you so much.  In this month "anniversaries", I will spend a great deal of time remembering where we were and what we were doing 5 years ago.  I will remember with  laughter and tears, the things we learned about ourselves and each other and I will treasure those memories deep in my heart forever and ever. I love you.  Love, your mom
                    

February 9th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, WOW Jacquie- you are amazing!!!!! I don't know how you did it it but you got dad and Marianne a flight out of Buffalo to Detroit and on to Amsterdam.  You and your "Tink" magic have them on their way to Kili.  Thank you.  Thank you not letting them miss the climb.  They left about 3:30 this afternoon.  We have The 5th Annual Jacquie Hirsch Memorial Boys Challenge today and tomorrow and this will be the first time your dad hasn't been here for the meet.  TJ will be stepping in for him and helping out.  We know he would like to be at your meet, but the Kili Climb is so much more important for him.  So, TJ and I will take care of your meet, if you could please take care of dad and Marianne for us.  I know that they are waiting to meet you at the top of the world.
My Sweet Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with each beat of my heart and every breath I take.  I wish I was with you so I could show you how much I love you. Someday, when we are together again, I will show you.  The place in my heart that is broken will be whole again someday when we are all together again.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever
 

February 8th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Dad and Marianne didn't make it out of Buffalo today.  We got to the airport but all the flights were cancelled because of the snow storm.  They are both SO disappointed, and your dad has been scrambling all day and evening to try to make arrangements to get out of Buffalo and get to an airport that will get them to Amsterdam.  They need to get their flight from there to Kili in order not to miss the climb.  It would be awful for them if they can't get there, so if you can work any of your "Tink" magic to get them to Kili for the climb, it would be great.  As much as I am worried and stressed about them going, I do not want them to miss this chance of a lifetime.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  Love, mom
 

February 5th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, We all missed you again tonight.  The family met at Sean Patrick's to have a going away dinner for dad and Marianne.  They are scheduled to leave on Friday, 3 more days, to go the Africa.  Just as TJ and Angela did 2 years ago, dad and Marianne will be climbing Mt Kilimanjaro for you, in your honor.  They have been training and fundraising and getting ready for this for almost a year now, and I think both of them are excited and a little nervous too.  I feel like a loser because I couldn't ever do anything like that.  I would do anything for you that you asked me, but I don't know how I would be able to do something like that that would take so much courage.  I think that when our family was made, you, TJ and your dad got all the courage and I got the whimpy.  If you asked me though, I would do it for you, somehow, someway I would do it for you. 
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you the sun and the moon and the stars.  I love you rainbows and raindrops and clouds floating in the sky.  I see you in all I do, and everywhere I go.  I miss our time together- our shopping and going out to eat and just hanging out with you.  I miss that we can't talk to each other and I miss that you aren't here to tell me to stop singing to you because my voice is terrrible.  I miss holding you and taking care of you.  I miss not seeing you grow up more and have all the dreams you dreamed come true.  I miss My Daughter and I am waiting to be with you again.  Your chair is still empty and I am waiting for the day that the four chairs at our table are full again.  I love you, My Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever
 

February 3rd, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, I miss you.  1610 days and I miss you.  The month of February always will forever remind me of getting ready to take you to New York City for your first transplant.  It will also always remind of the hope that we had and the belief we had in miracles.  Now we know there are no miracles for you.  I think of all the worry and preparation and anticipation and I wonder how I didn't drive you crazy.  Thinking back, I wonder how I didn't go crazy.  I have all my notes and lists and sometimes I read them and wonder if I missed something that would have made a difference.  I wonder if in my need to make everything  work out, I missed an important piece of imformation that would have saved you.  I don't know.  I hope I didn't miss anything but if I did, I am so so sorry.  I have your Valentine's Day card already for you and on the 14th, you and I will read it together.  And I will hold you tight in my arms, and I will read to you just like I did when you were little.  And I will hear your voice repeaating my words, as if you could read too.  I miss you.
My Jacquie, I love you more today than yesterday, and not ever as much as I will love you tomorrow.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul, with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  No matter when I am, or where you are, I will never leave you.  I will be with you always- holding you tight and loving you.  And the 4 Hirschs will always be 4 and someday, we will be 4 together again.  Love, your BFF (mom)
 

January 31st, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, I spent all day in bed yesterday.  I can't remember the last time I was so sick.  Between the fever, that aches and pains and the headache,  I just wanted to never get up.  And the whole time, I thought of you.  I thought of all you went through, all you endured and I can't even beging imagine that whatever I was feeling could even be a grain of sand on the beach of what you had to have been feeling.  And knowing that made me want to scream with rage.  That I stood by you and didn't make it go away.  That I couldn't take that pain and misery from you.  That I, your mom, stood by while you suffered and couldn't help you.  I am so sorry Jacquie,  I am so very sorry.  Mom
 

January 28th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Good Morning My Sweet Daughter.  I thought I would write to you early today, maybe talking to you before the day starts will help make the day better.  I don't know if it will work but it is worth a try.  Many times I find myself wondering if you are looking down on all of us and wondering "What are they thinking?"  Because I find myself looking around me and asking myself that same question.  What is it with people today that they feel the need to be so selfish and so self-centered?  It seems the more I am with people the more I want to be home.  So many seem feel that the world should revolve around THEM.  They want the schedules that fit for THEM.  They want fees and hours to fit for THEM.  They want parking spaces convenient for THEM.  They want what is best for their child only, while forgetting that their child is part of a group or a team, and what has to be best is what is best for ALL of them.  It makes me sad to realize that many of these children will grow up to be their parents- not caring about anyone but themselves and their own little self-absorbed worlds.  I wish you were here Jacquie, YOU could make a difference.  YOU could show all of us how to share and how to care.  YOU could teach the little ones that in order to live and survive in this world, we need to be able to count on each other.  YOU would show us all.
My Jacquie, working with Sandy has made us all realize how far we still have to go.  We want to make you proud but we have so much to do still.  I am hoping that she will help us find a way to "that place".  I miss you and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul.  I love you with all that I am and all that I could ever hope to be.  I love you with every beat of my heart and every breath I take.  My day starts, ends, and is you.  Please, My Jacquie, I need you so much now.  I can't do this anymore.  I can't live with the wondering and the worrying and not knowing.  I need you to help me find the courage to keep waking up every morning without you.  I can't be sad, I can't be angry I can't be anything becasue I am not allowed to.  So I am just getting more numb.  I am feeling that it really doesn't matter anymore.  I love you, you know I do.  But it is so hard.  I love you, mom
 

January 25th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Dad left for Cleveland this morning.  He is taking some of the the girls to the Rock'nRoll Classic Gymnastic Meet.  He'll be gone all weedend.  I don't know how he is going to keep up this hectic schedule he has and still get ready for his Kili climb.  He has been trying to get a workout in each day, but his days are so busy that I don't know if he is getting prepared enough to make the climb.  I worry about him, just like I worried about TJ, and I won't be able to stop worrying until they are home again.  He is doing this for you Jacquie.  It is his way to show you how much he loves you and misses you.  He would do anything for you.  And I know he wants to meet you at the top of the world.  I am counting on you to take good care of him and Marianne.  I know you will.  Maybe you could send him a little message or something to tell him to slow down a bit so he has time to get ready to go.  He will listen to you!  Both dad and Marianne have been working  hard to raise the money the need for expensed to go and to raise the money they need to donate to the Foundation.  You should be so proud of them.  Maybe you could do your "Tink" magic again like you did for the Challenge, and make sure the weather is good for their climb.  Anyway you could make it easier would be great.  They leave two weeks from today.  Four weeks from today, they will be home!!
My Sweet Jacquie,  I miss you and I love you.  You are my hero, my inspiration,and my motivation.  You are my strength when I am weak, and you are my courage when I am a coward.  You are the sunshine on my darkest days and you are the rainbow in my skys.  I love you with each beat of my heart and every breath I take.  I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  Stay with me, by my side as I will stay with you by your side.  Together we will be, now and forever.  Love, your mom
 

January 21st, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, well, we did again!!!!!!!!!!!  The meet was a huge success.  Everything ran just like clockwork.  All the sessions finished earlier than expected, there was not one problem or issue about awards, the booster club did a great job in every area (100% compliance from all the parents!!!) and YOU kept the snow away- thank you.  I think we could have not asked for a better meet.  We heard so many positive comments and compliments from other club's coaches, and parents, and even the judges were pleased on how well it ran.  All the stress and hard work paid off- we did it!!  Your dad does all the announcing and he always talks about you and why we are doing what we do.  And each time he begins his speech I have to walk out of the gym.  I can't hear those words.  I can't listen to the pain in his voice when he talks about his "little girl".  I can't be in the gym without you as he tells everyone about your fight.  I can't, I don't know if I ever will be able to.  When he begins, I leave and go into the Tink Shop and I look at your life, in the pictures on the walls, the drawings tha kids have made for you, and in all the Tinker Bell items in there.  And then the same question comes into my head-"WHY"?  And then when he is done speaking, I go back into the gym and work to make you proud of us.  Are you proud of us, My Jacquie?
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you so much.  I can't stop wishing that you were here with us, even though I know that wishes don't come true.  But what I do know is that someday, the 4 of us will be together again, the way is was always meant to be.  Someday, the chair will not be empty.  Until that day, I will hold you in my heart until I can once again hold you in my arms.  I love you,My Jacquie.  Love, your mom forever
 

January 17th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Today we spent the whole day getting ready and the gym set up for your meet.  "The 5th Annual Jacquie Hirsch Memorial Girls Challenge" will begin tomorrow.  Last year we hosted 388 gymnasts, this year we have 485 gymnasts who entered.  It has been a very stressful time, these last few weeks, getting everything organized and finalizing details.  Aunt Sheryl has done an amazing job with all the entries and the scoremaster system.  Kristen has worked hard to get the t-shirts, banners and awards all ordered.  Trish has done her usual outstanding job getting all the parents and the booster club signed up for all the dozens of areas that need to be filled the days of the meets.  The meet this year is for 3 days, two sessions on Friday, and 3 each on Saturday and Sunday.  Eight full sessions!!!, can you BELIEVE it??  Your dad and I have worked hard with everyone to be sure that the meet runs efficiently and smoothly.  Aside from the Tinker Ball, the Girls Challenge is the next largest event the Foundation holds, and it takes so very many dedicated people to make it work.  It will take all our efforts to make this succeed, and I know we can do it.  If we can ask you for a little help, would you try to keep the snow away.  The snow makes everything so much harder and it slows things down.  So, if you can work some of your "Tink" magic, that would be great.
My Sweet Girl, I miss you so very much.  Every event we hold without you is unfair.  Yes, I know- "Life is not fair".  I've heard that too many times, but it doesn't change how I feel.  I love you the sun, the moon and the stars.  I look into the dark sky at night, and I picture you looking down on us, your eyes twinkling with laughter.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I  love you with all my heart and all my soul, with all that I am and all that I will ever be.  I wait for you in my sleep, in my dreams, and I will wait for you to come to see me again.  Stay with me, don't leave me.  I will never leave you.  My heart has you deep inside where you live, and every heartbeat is for you.  I love you, My Jacquie, you are My Daughter and I am your Mom forever.  Love, mom
 

January 14th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, I miss you yesterday, today and always.  I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as I will love you tomorrow.  Today we said goodbye to Dr. Rusin.  It was a beautiful tribute to his life and his legacy.  It made me ask "WHY", again.  Love, your mom
 

January 12th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, I have been buying so many cards lately- get well, sympathy, new baby, wedding, "I'm sorry for the loss of your cat", and the list goes on.  I feel as though I am keeping Hallmark Cards in business.  I spend hours looking for cards.  It has to be the right once for each person or circumstance.  Sometimes I can find exactly what I want, the exact words I want to say.  Other times, it may not be quite the exact one, but close.  Today I found a card for me.  I didn't go looking for it, I was looking for a sympathy care, but this one just popped out at me.  I wondered if, like you have done before, you sent my eyes looking for it and helped me find it.  It is titled "I Believe".
 
     I believe in mind over matter, health and harmony, sustenance for the spirit.
     I believe that getting better is an act of patience and being gentle with ourselves.
     I believe in each day being better than the one beofre it.
     I believe in your feeling better, feeling stronger and feeling more you.
 
I "Believe" that if you were here with me, you would have given me that card.  I have every card you have ever given me, and this one will go in that memory box with all the others.  I asked you for your help and you sent it to me.  I asked you to find a way to deal with everything that is overwhelming me, and you did.  From so far away, you found a way to be close to me.  We have known since the day you were born that you were special.  This is just one more way you have shown us how right we were.  How grateful I am that you are here for me, that you gave me the words I needed to hear.  Thank you, My Sweet Daughter, for letting me know you are still by my side.
My Jacquie, I miss you and I love you.  I love you with every breath I take and each beat of my heart.  The heart that is filled with the four of us, and heart that will always love you.  Love forever and ever, you mom
 

January 8th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, I could use some words of wisdom and advice from you.  I am at a loss as to what to do with the girls at the gym and I know that you always could help me out by talking things through with me.  The girls are having a tough time getting past their fears of some skills.  Your dad, Mary, Mike and I are frustrated because we have tried everything we know to get them moving past these fears but nothing seems to be working.  You had that way of getting into their heads and making progress.  I miss you.  You should be here, working your magic and keeping me from pulling my hair out.  You should be here sharing your knowledge and experience with them, showing them how to dig deep inside themselves and find the strength and courage to do what they think they cannot do.  You should be here showing me that.  Because right now, I really need you by my side.  I always do.  I always will.  No matter how much time passes I still need you.  I need your thoughts and your wisdom.  I need your strength and your courage.  I need you to ground me and keep me in line.  I need you to show me the way.  I need to be there for you too.  I miss you.   I miss being your mom, your friend and you "caregiver".  If you were still here, I would be beside you always.  I would never leave you alone.  I would hold you and talk to you and listen to you and share with you.  And I would show you how much I love you.
My Jacquie, can you send me some words, can you whisper in my ear?  Can you brush you fingers across my cheek again?  I am waiting for you to let me know you are with me still.  I am waiting for you to come to me in my dreams and be with me.  I am waiting for the four of us to, once again, be together.  I am waiting to show you how much I miss you and love you.  I am waiting.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  Love, mom
 

January 6th, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, today we lost a great man.  A wonderful husband and father.  A great mentor and teacher.  A true and caring friend.  Today, Dr Rusin died from cancer, diagnosed only about 8 months ago.  For the four of us, he truly was an amazing person.  We met him when we started coaching at Williamsville North, but Uncle David had him for a teacher long before that.  He was kind and considerate, and thought the world of you and TJ.  When his son John was just a little boy, he told your dad and I that he hoped his son grew up to be like the two of you.  He always said what great "kids" you were,even when you had become adults.  When I went to visit him in the hospital, he reminded me of how much he thought of both of you and said how proud we should be of  you.  Remember at your fundraiser when he brought the superintendent of the Williamsville School District over to meet you?  Dr Rusin told him that the children in the district would be so lucky to have you as their teacher, that the district needs teachers like you.  And right there and then, he offered you a job, promised you a teaching position when you were better.  Dr Rusin said he hadn't ever heard an offer like that before.  He was so proud of you.  He did so much for the children in the schools, he cared so much.  You dad and I learned a great deal from him.  He was a wonderful "boss" and an incredible mentor.  We owe him so much.  I don't understand why.  Why does this keep happening?  John and Mary Lou will have their memoreis, as do we, but memories are not enough.  When will this end?
My Jacquie, I miss you, and I love you.  I love you with all my heart and all my soul, with all that I am and all that I will ever be. I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  I love you the sun and the moon and all the stars in the sky.  The days are long and hard without you.  Staying "up" and positive is difficult and draining.  Lately, between the gym and the meet and the foundation and TJ, I find that the days are harder to wake up to and easier to give up on.  I know it isn't right, but is is what I feel.  There is too much to do.  There are too many expectations everywhere- what has to been done, when it has to be done by, how it has to be done, who has to has "approve" it all.  When will time slow down and heal?  When will I be with you again?  When will all be together again?  I am waiting.  I love you, mom
 

January 2nd, 2013 - Dear Jacquie, Happy New Year My Jacquie.  I hope you celebrated a lot up in heaven.  I know how much you always loved to be with you friends celebrating the start of a brand new year.  I remember your last new year with us and I wish so very much that you had been here this year with us.  Today is dad's birthday.  Do you know that every year he brings out all the Happy Birthday signs you made for him on his birthday, the last one you were with us.  And he puts them around  the house and I know he is thinking and remembering and wishing.  I know his birthday wish every year is the same as mine.  We wish you could be with us.  At the end of the day, he will put the signs away in his drawer until next year.  Since we both had to work,  I made cupcakes and took them to the gym so all the team kids could sing to him.  I wish you had been there.  I'm tired of wishing.  I must be the biggest fool, to keep wishing for what can never be.  But, if I stop wishing, what will I do?  What will I have?  I miss you.
My Jacquie,  I love you the sun and the moon and the starts.  You light the day and the night.  You light my dreams of you and my memories of the four of us.  I am waiting to have you come see me again, my dreams need you and I need you. Please take care of youself, let me know you are alright.  I need to know that you are happy and safe.  If you could just give me a little sign, please.  I will love you forever and ever and always and longer than that.  You will never have to wonder if you are missed, you dad, TJ and I will always show you how much we miss  you and love you.  Everything we do, we do for you.  I hope we make you proud.  We try so hard- all of us, your family and friends, to make you proud.  We will never stop.  And we will love you forever.  Love,  mom 
 

 love you